Am I right to be angry?
Discussion
Long story short... my (younger) sister is currently in hospital in an induced coma with multiple organ failure thanks to 35(ish) years of excessive drinking and we're being told there's a very good chance she'll not make it 
We knew that she enjoyed a drink but obviously didn't realise the scale of things - which only got (massively) worse thanks to a combination of WFH and huge amounts of work related stress.
We're hoping/praying/whatevering for the best but (sort of) prepared for the worst, really f
king angry at the current situation and thinking about how much I'll miss her if the situation goes the way it might (not to mention the effect on our parents).
Despite all this we've gone off on a pre-booked holiday since the hospital have advised there's likely to be no change over the next few weeks and (possibly selfishly) I'm not sure if I can wait around dreading every phone-call. Had she at least been conscious I'd have felt we could do something by keeping her company, but totally comatose we just feel helpless - her partner is up there every day so she's not alone but you have to question if she's even aware. Another poor bd who's feeling totally helpless 
We knew that she enjoyed a drink but obviously didn't realise the scale of things - which only got (massively) worse thanks to a combination of WFH and huge amounts of work related stress.
We're hoping/praying/whatevering for the best but (sort of) prepared for the worst, really f
king angry at the current situation and thinking about how much I'll miss her if the situation goes the way it might (not to mention the effect on our parents). Despite all this we've gone off on a pre-booked holiday since the hospital have advised there's likely to be no change over the next few weeks and (possibly selfishly) I'm not sure if I can wait around dreading every phone-call. Had she at least been conscious I'd have felt we could do something by keeping her company, but totally comatose we just feel helpless - her partner is up there every day so she's not alone but you have to question if she's even aware. Another poor b
d who's feeling totally helpless Very sad to hear that Dodgy. Although not quite the same, my mother was unconscious and not likely to live for much longer. It's a desperate wait for the news you don't want. Time went slowly and to some point I wish I had 'distracted' myself with something else. I don't think anyone will blame you and it could be weeks/months. For me, it was days, but they felt like weeks.
All the best.
All the best.
Al Gorithum said:
Sorry to hear. Why are you angry?
I know addiction/dependency is an illness so less(?) angry at that more the constant refusal to seek help, even when (on prior occasions) an ambulance was called a refusal to go to hospital I know it's down to her but if she'd sought some effing help 6/9 months ago she'd possibly/probably(?) not be so critical (albeit still in dire need of help)
So sorry to hear this OP. I know how it feels to have a family member comatose and in a very bad way - although it was due to a routine operation going wrong. Thankfully in my case, that person made it back to decent health.
One of my closest friends drinks far too much in my opinion. I visited her on Sunday afternoon and by 6pm she was pretty merry. By the time I left her at about 11.30pm she'd polished off four more bottles of wine on her own. I don't drink at all unless out and having a meal in a restaurant, or when I'm on holiday somewhere where I don't have the use of a car, so perhaps my perception is somewhat skewed.
She'll have a bottle or two every evening after work, and for her it's completely normal. I'm pretty sure she's drinking way too much. But she is very successful in her sales job and she is fully competent when not drunk - I used to work with her. I don't know how she does it. She's mid 40s and I really worry about her. I've mentioned it to her but she doesn't think it's too much of a problem as it doesn't affect her life negatively. But I can't see how this can continue and there's nothing I can do. She's always been like this for as long as I've known her.
One of my closest friends drinks far too much in my opinion. I visited her on Sunday afternoon and by 6pm she was pretty merry. By the time I left her at about 11.30pm she'd polished off four more bottles of wine on her own. I don't drink at all unless out and having a meal in a restaurant, or when I'm on holiday somewhere where I don't have the use of a car, so perhaps my perception is somewhat skewed.
She'll have a bottle or two every evening after work, and for her it's completely normal. I'm pretty sure she's drinking way too much. But she is very successful in her sales job and she is fully competent when not drunk - I used to work with her. I don't know how she does it. She's mid 40s and I really worry about her. I've mentioned it to her but she doesn't think it's too much of a problem as it doesn't affect her life negatively. But I can't see how this can continue and there's nothing I can do. She's always been like this for as long as I've known her.
LunarOne said:
One of my closest friends drinks far too much in my opinion. I visited her on Sunday afternoon and by 6pm she was pretty merry. By the time I left her at about 11.30pm she'd polished off four more bottles of wine on her own. I don't drink at all unless out and having a meal in a restaurant, or when I'm on holiday somewhere where I don't have the use of a car, so perhaps my perception is somewhat skewed.
She'll have a bottle or two every evening after work, and for her it's completely normal. I'm pretty sure she's drinking way too much. But she is very successful in her sales job and she is fully competent when not drunk - I used to work with her. I don't know how she does it. She's mid 40s and I really worry about her. I've mentioned it to her but she doesn't think it's too much of a problem as it doesn't affect her life negatively. But I can't see how this can continue and there's nothing I can do. She's always been like this for as long as I've known her.
That sounds scarily like my sister (I felt my perspective might be skewed as I'm virtually teetotal...)She'll have a bottle or two every evening after work, and for her it's completely normal. I'm pretty sure she's drinking way too much. But she is very successful in her sales job and she is fully competent when not drunk - I used to work with her. I don't know how she does it. She's mid 40s and I really worry about her. I've mentioned it to her but she doesn't think it's too much of a problem as it doesn't affect her life negatively. But I can't see how this can continue and there's nothing I can do. She's always been like this for as long as I've known her.
Its fine to be angry, it is just a reaction to the stress of the situation. You're being overwhelmed with emotions and your brain is struggling to know how to react, so at the moment it has chosen anger. It can switch rapidly into something else.
It is a terrible situation for you all, so i wish you the best.
It is a terrible situation for you all, so i wish you the best.
DodgyGeezer said:
LunarOne said:
One of my closest friends drinks far too much in my opinion. I visited her on Sunday afternoon and by 6pm she was pretty merry. By the time I left her at about 11.30pm she'd polished off four more bottles of wine on her own. I don't drink at all unless out and having a meal in a restaurant, or when I'm on holiday somewhere where I don't have the use of a car, so perhaps my perception is somewhat skewed.
She'll have a bottle or two every evening after work, and for her it's completely normal. I'm pretty sure she's drinking way too much. But she is very successful in her sales job and she is fully competent when not drunk - I used to work with her. I don't know how she does it. She's mid 40s and I really worry about her. I've mentioned it to her but she doesn't think it's too much of a problem as it doesn't affect her life negatively. But I can't see how this can continue and there's nothing I can do. She's always been like this for as long as I've known her.
That sounds scarily like my sister (I felt my perspective might be skewed as I'm virtually teetotal...)She'll have a bottle or two every evening after work, and for her it's completely normal. I'm pretty sure she's drinking way too much. But she is very successful in her sales job and she is fully competent when not drunk - I used to work with her. I don't know how she does it. She's mid 40s and I really worry about her. I've mentioned it to her but she doesn't think it's too much of a problem as it doesn't affect her life negatively. But I can't see how this can continue and there's nothing I can do. She's always been like this for as long as I've known her.
I, too, am virtually teetotal.
For LunarOne, functioning alcoholics tend to look, sound and even act completely normally, as long as they are (to all intents and purposes) 'tanked up'.
My Mother was seemingly one - I never knew.
DodgyGeezer said:
Al Gorithum said:
Sorry to hear. Why are you angry?
I know addiction/dependency is an illness so less(?) angry at that more the constant refusal to seek help, even when (on prior occasions) an ambulance was called a refusal to go to hospital I know it's down to her but if she'd sought some effing help 6/9 months ago she'd possibly/probably(?) not be so critical (albeit still in dire need of help)We suggested to family members that with regards to their loved one's addiction.
1) You didn't cause it.
2) You can't control it
3) You can't cure it.
Depending on your location, rehabs sometimes allow family members of those NOT current or past inpatients to attend such groups.
There's also groups such as al-anon, which is run by family members of alcoholics.
Best of luck to you and your sister, DG.
ETA: Al-Anon website link.
https://al-anonuk.org.uk/
Edited by Blib on Wednesday 8th May 12:09
LunarOne said:
So sorry to hear this OP. I know how it feels to have a family member comatose and in a very bad way - although it was due to a routine operation going wrong. Thankfully in my case, that person made it back to decent health.
One of my closest friends drinks far too much in my opinion. I visited her on Sunday afternoon and by 6pm she was pretty merry. By the time I left her at about 11.30pm she'd polished off four more bottles of wine on her own. I don't drink at all unless out and having a meal in a restaurant, or when I'm on holiday somewhere where I don't have the use of a car, so perhaps my perception is somewhat skewed.
She'll have a bottle or two every evening after work, and for her it's completely normal. I'm pretty sure she's drinking way too much. But she is very successful in her sales job and she is fully competent when not drunk - I used to work with her. I don't know how she does it. She's mid 40s and I really worry about her. I've mentioned it to her but she doesn't think it's too much of a problem as it doesn't affect her life negatively. But I can't see how this can continue and there's nothing I can do. She's always been like this for as long as I've known her.
That's too much in anyone's opinion!One of my closest friends drinks far too much in my opinion. I visited her on Sunday afternoon and by 6pm she was pretty merry. By the time I left her at about 11.30pm she'd polished off four more bottles of wine on her own. I don't drink at all unless out and having a meal in a restaurant, or when I'm on holiday somewhere where I don't have the use of a car, so perhaps my perception is somewhat skewed.
She'll have a bottle or two every evening after work, and for her it's completely normal. I'm pretty sure she's drinking way too much. But she is very successful in her sales job and she is fully competent when not drunk - I used to work with her. I don't know how she does it. She's mid 40s and I really worry about her. I've mentioned it to her but she doesn't think it's too much of a problem as it doesn't affect her life negatively. But I can't see how this can continue and there's nothing I can do. She's always been like this for as long as I've known her.
She's an alcoholic.
My wife used to work for a successful family business run by a husband and wife who were bother high functioning alcoholics.
They had done it for 20 years.
OP, sorry to hear about your sister. You couldn't have done anything to help unless she wanted you too.
It seems to be the season to have alcoholic sisters. Mine is also in hospital right now for similar reasons, although not in a coma. 
There is no point being angry about it, though really there are few 'wrong' reactions to have. It's not your fault, and there's nothing you can do to resolve the situation. Easier said than believed, though.
All you can do is try to support her, and perhaps more so, support those around her who may in normal times be relying on her as a mum or whatever. That's what I am trying to do, anyway. TBH, I don't know if I should, or can, do a great deal more. But I can give moral support to my BIL and be there for their kids if they need me.
st situation.
There is no point being angry about it, though really there are few 'wrong' reactions to have. It's not your fault, and there's nothing you can do to resolve the situation. Easier said than believed, though.
All you can do is try to support her, and perhaps more so, support those around her who may in normal times be relying on her as a mum or whatever. That's what I am trying to do, anyway. TBH, I don't know if I should, or can, do a great deal more. But I can give moral support to my BIL and be there for their kids if they need me.
s
t situation. Sorry to hear that OP.
I had a similar situation with my MIL a long time back. She went into hospital with a bad chest infection and slipped into a coma. They kept her alive in the ICU for about three weeks but she never recovered. Every day spent in hospital trying to comfort my wife and deal with her father were not fun. I didn’t have a choice of course.
There are a lot of people with hidden but severe alcohol problems in the UK.
I had a similar situation with my MIL a long time back. She went into hospital with a bad chest infection and slipped into a coma. They kept her alive in the ICU for about three weeks but she never recovered. Every day spent in hospital trying to comfort my wife and deal with her father were not fun. I didn’t have a choice of course.
There are a lot of people with hidden but severe alcohol problems in the UK.
GreatGranny said:
You couldn't have done anything to help unless she wanted you too.
This.It's always useful to get perspective from ex-drinkers, people who have stood on the precipice, stared into the abyss and realised they need to stop, and they can give insights that only hardened drinkers have experienced, insights that may surprise.
I remember Frank Skinner saying he's sad he'll never experience being drunk again, and the happiest, funniest times of his life were when he was off his face.
It's all very well for people to shake their heads and wag fingers, and it's easy to go down the road of saying being drunk is a way to deflect unhappiness, or a way to mask insecurity but being pissed can also be fun.
it's knowing when the drinking has taken over and the fun has disappeared.
PositronicRay said:
5 stages of grief
Denial
ANGER
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
That’s when you get a terminal diagnosis for yourself, not when you lose someone else. It’s just been misquoted so many times it has become something people say because they heard someone else say it in the incorrect context. Denial
ANGER
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
Anyway sorry for your situation OP. Hope she pulls through.
Well an unexpectedly short and, for me, tragic update.
My sister died this morning, 53 thanks to decades of alcohol abuse/misuse along with a refusal to seek medical help when it was obviously needed
The, scant, consolation I have is that it was mercifully quick - some poor family on the same ICU were given the same news and their relative had been in for 4-months only for that hope to be dashed.
My sister died this morning, 53 thanks to decades of alcohol abuse/misuse along with a refusal to seek medical help when it was obviously needed
The, scant, consolation I have is that it was mercifully quick - some poor family on the same ICU were given the same news and their relative had been in for 4-months only for that hope to be dashed.
DodgyGeezer said:
Well an unexpectedly short and, for me, tragic update.
My sister died this morning, 53 thanks to decades of alcohol abuse/misuse along with a refusal to seek medical help when it was obviously needed
The, scant, consolation I have is that it was mercifully quick - some poor family on the same ICU were given the same news and their relative had been in for 4-months only for that hope to be dashed.
Sorry for your loss My sister died this morning, 53 thanks to decades of alcohol abuse/misuse along with a refusal to seek medical help when it was obviously needed
The, scant, consolation I have is that it was mercifully quick - some poor family on the same ICU were given the same news and their relative had been in for 4-months only for that hope to be dashed.
I lost an Aunt and an Uncle to alcoholism, and more recently a friend, which was a huge shock. I'm starting to question my own relationship with alcohol.
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