Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 11)

[Abbott]

Last Visit said:

LimmerickLad said:

Stan the Bat said:

Master Of Puppets said:

My friend was in a quiz and phoned me, "What's the second largest state in the USA?" Me, "Texas."

A minute later he sent a message to my phone saying, "What's the second largest state in the USA ?”

Cunning.

took me a minute

Nope, need help with this one??

Text us

[havoc]

tvrolet said:

If you go to see them at Las Vegas and hang around in the foyer afterwards they come out (at least they used to) for autographs, selfies etc., and Penn is actually quite chatty contrary to his stage persona. Weird to be having a conversation with him.

just saying'

Did just that in Birmingham last year when they toured.

Penn looks confusingly very like a slightly older version of a good university friend, right down to the excess height and long hair.

[Sporky]

Last Visit said:

LimmerickLad said:

Stan the Bat said:

Master Of Puppets said:

My friend was in a quiz and phoned me, "What's the second largest state in the USA?" Me, "Texas."

A minute later he sent a message to my phone saying, "What's the second largest state in the USA ?”

Cunning.

took me a minute

Nope, need help with this one??

The joke hinges on the idea that the caller misheard "texas" as "text us".

You could probably do similar with "Alaska" vs "I'll ask her".

[juliussneezer]

/

Sporky said:

Last Visit said:

LimmerickLad said:

Stan the Bat said:

Master Of Puppets said:

My friend was in a quiz and phoned me, "What's the second largest state in the USA?" Me, "Texas."

A minute later he sent a message to my phone saying, "What's the second largest state in the USA ?”

Cunning.

took me a minute

Nope, need help with this one??

The joke hinges on the idea that the caller misheard "texas" as "text us".

You could probably do similar with "Alaska" vs "I'll ask her".

It's more clever word play than actual humour.

[GeneralBanter]

‘Hi Dave it’s Marge, where is it your wife is going on vacation as I’m going to meet her when she arrives as a surprise’

‘Hi Marge, I’ll ask her’

‘Great thanks’ click…….

….the start of Marges nightmare….

[MartG]

A true petrolhead's watch...

[MartG]

Police have confirmed that the man who tragically fell from the roof of an 18th floor nightclub was not a bouncer

[Legacywr]

Gutted to hear the head of the African Grey parrot club has died. RIP Hugh Zapretty Boyden

[Monkeylegend]

Legacywr said:

Gutted to hear the head of the African Grey parrot club has died. RIP Hugh Zapretty Boyden

Don't get that one.

[Still Mulling]

Monkeylegend said:

Legacywr said:

Gutted to hear the head of the African Grey parrot club has died. RIP Hugh Zapretty Boyden

Don't get that one.

Who's a pretty boy then.

[Monkeylegend]

Still Mulling said:

Monkeylegend said:

Legacywr said:

Gutted to hear the head of the African Grey parrot club has died. RIP Hugh Zapretty Boyden

Don't get that one.

Who's a pretty boy then.

Whoosh....

That didn't take long, like taking candy from a baby

[MartG]

I asked the librarian if she knew of any authors who wrote dinosaur novels.

She told me "Yes, try Sarah Topps"

[captain_cynic]

MartG said:

I asked the librarian if she knew of any authors who wrote dinosaur novels.

She told me "Yes, try Sarah Topps"

Terry Dactil?
Edmond Tasoaras?

[sospan]

The richest animal?
Rhinosorass

Rhino = slang term for money
Sorass = piles

[CharlesdeGaulle]

sospan said:

The richest animal?
Rhinosorass

Rhino = slang term for money
Sorass = piles

The very best ones are those that need the explanation.

[Legacywr]

[Vipers]

CharlesdeGaulle said:

sospan said:

The richest animal?
Rhinosorass

Rhino = slang term for money
Sorass = piles

The very best ones are those that need the explanation.

Never heard of Rhino used for money, maybe a localised phrase?.

[Master Of Puppets]

I walked passed the YMCA yesterday, and there was a teenage boy sat outside stroking some feathers...

I said "Young man, there's no need to feel down...”

[cologne2792]

Vipers said:

Never heard of Rhino used for money, maybe a localised phrase?.

It was quite common but seems to have disappeared from use

Sid James often used to use it about his scams involving Tony Hancock, in Hancock's Half Hour.

[Vipers]

cologne2792 said:

Vipers said:

Never heard of Rhino used for money, maybe a localised phrase?.

It was quite common but seems to have disappeared from use

Sid James often used to use it about his scams involving Tony Hancock, in Hancock's Half Hour.

Hancock’s half hour was classic, still have an LP with The blood donor on one side the other side I think is called The Radio Ham.