Why did you have children?
Poll: Why did you have children?
Total Members Polled: 194
Discussion
I have three. said i'd be happy with one but then they need someone to play with and so we went for another. Then i wanted a son so we said we'd go again. They are hard work and the place is wrecked, kids are hard on any building. Hardest part with the third was finding a car to accommodate the three car seats.
105.4 said:
“Why did you have children?”……
I didn’t want any children…..Ever.
I knew I’d be a lousy Father, just like my own Father was, and his Father before him, and his Father before him, etc. And my suspicions have proven repeatedly to be correct. I just don’t possess any paternal instincts.
My Wife always said that she didn’t want children either, and I was very happy with that. It was one of the main reasons why I wanted to marry her and spend the rest of my life with her.
Then one day, shortly after she’d turned 30, one of her friends came over with her newborn, and something just clicked inside of my Wife. Maternal instinct kicked in hard. I could tell just by the look in her eyes that I was f#cked, literally and metaphorically.
The problem with having children is that there’s no half measures, no compromise. You either have them or you don’t.
After nearly a year of my steadfast resistance, my Wife presented me with an ultimatum. We either have children or she couldn’t see a future for us. “f
k !”
I had arranged to have a vesectomy done privately without the knowledge of my Wife, but on the morning of the procedure, a very close friend and confidant talked me out of it.
My Wife had her implant removed. Weeks passed, then months, all the while without a bun in the oven. Lovemaking turned from spontaneous and passionate, into cold, clinical and a scientific experiment with charts and calendars and diets and temperature readings. I felt less and less like a loved Husband and more and more like a sperm donor and stunt cock.
Finally my Wife became pregnant. She was overjoyed. I, less so.
8.25 months later our daughter was born. Seemingly the Keystone Cops were running the maternity department during the 39.5 hours my Wife was in labour. Four babies failed to survive birth at that hospital during that time, and our own daughter was very nearly one of them. I was told that her chances of surviving her first night were “low” and she spent the first nine days of her life on a ventilator in the HDU.
My Wife was also critically ill and spent three weeks in intensive care. Legal action commenced against the hospital. They closed ranks and conveniently lost all of the medical records relating to my Wife’s labour / daughters birth.
What have I learnt during the last 13 years of being a parent?
I learnt that no matter what your child does wrong, they can do no wrong in their Mothers eyes.
I’ve learnt that once you’ve donated your sperm, you’ll no longer be Manchester United in your Wife’s eyes and instead find yourself relegated to being Acrington Stanley. You’ll only be there to pay the bills. Nothing more. You’re essentially a walking ATM. Your child will be blessed with gold, frankincense and myrrh whenever they click their fingers, whilst you, the person working 80+ hours a week, 7 days a week, will have to beg, plead and argue to even get any scraps.
To any of you out there who happen to be reading this who are considering having children, I have only one word of advice…..
RUN !
Jeez that's sad. I didn’t want any children…..Ever.
I knew I’d be a lousy Father, just like my own Father was, and his Father before him, and his Father before him, etc. And my suspicions have proven repeatedly to be correct. I just don’t possess any paternal instincts.
My Wife always said that she didn’t want children either, and I was very happy with that. It was one of the main reasons why I wanted to marry her and spend the rest of my life with her.
Then one day, shortly after she’d turned 30, one of her friends came over with her newborn, and something just clicked inside of my Wife. Maternal instinct kicked in hard. I could tell just by the look in her eyes that I was f#cked, literally and metaphorically.
The problem with having children is that there’s no half measures, no compromise. You either have them or you don’t.
After nearly a year of my steadfast resistance, my Wife presented me with an ultimatum. We either have children or she couldn’t see a future for us. “f
k !”I had arranged to have a vesectomy done privately without the knowledge of my Wife, but on the morning of the procedure, a very close friend and confidant talked me out of it.
My Wife had her implant removed. Weeks passed, then months, all the while without a bun in the oven. Lovemaking turned from spontaneous and passionate, into cold, clinical and a scientific experiment with charts and calendars and diets and temperature readings. I felt less and less like a loved Husband and more and more like a sperm donor and stunt cock.
Finally my Wife became pregnant. She was overjoyed. I, less so.
8.25 months later our daughter was born. Seemingly the Keystone Cops were running the maternity department during the 39.5 hours my Wife was in labour. Four babies failed to survive birth at that hospital during that time, and our own daughter was very nearly one of them. I was told that her chances of surviving her first night were “low” and she spent the first nine days of her life on a ventilator in the HDU.
My Wife was also critically ill and spent three weeks in intensive care. Legal action commenced against the hospital. They closed ranks and conveniently lost all of the medical records relating to my Wife’s labour / daughters birth.
What have I learnt during the last 13 years of being a parent?
I learnt that no matter what your child does wrong, they can do no wrong in their Mothers eyes.
I’ve learnt that once you’ve donated your sperm, you’ll no longer be Manchester United in your Wife’s eyes and instead find yourself relegated to being Acrington Stanley. You’ll only be there to pay the bills. Nothing more. You’re essentially a walking ATM. Your child will be blessed with gold, frankincense and myrrh whenever they click their fingers, whilst you, the person working 80+ hours a week, 7 days a week, will have to beg, plead and argue to even get any scraps.
To any of you out there who happen to be reading this who are considering having children, I have only one word of advice…..
RUN !
Being harsh you should have taken the other path.
I agree on NHS maternity services. It's very scary being in their hands when they're either massively overstretched or incompetent, which was >90% of our experience.
okgo said:
I think it’s fairly common in men. Not fussed on them mostly before having them, love it when you do.
Haven’t seen anything much outside that among my mates - my brother was an exception who wanted to have children, and have them while he was young.
I agree. Even if it's just nervousness about what's to come. I doubt there's many men that go into fatherhood without a bit of trepidation. Haven’t seen anything much outside that among my mates - my brother was an exception who wanted to have children, and have them while he was young.
Before our second was born I had genuine anxiety about how I was going to love something as much as I did our eldest. It didn't feel possible. Then they're born and everything more of less slots into place.
RabidGranny said:
I have three. said i'd be happy with one but then they need someone to play with and so we went for another. Then i wanted a son so we said we'd go again. They are hard work and the place is wrecked, kids are hard on any building. Hardest part with the third was finding a car to accommodate the three car seats.
A friend was going to stop at 2, they were boys, however the wife really wanted a girl so they tried again, they had triplets, 2 of them were girls though! okgo said:
I think it’s fairly common in men. Not fussed on them mostly before having them, love it when you do.
Haven’t seen anything much outside that among my mates - my brother was an exception who wanted to have children, and have them while he was young.
In the entirety of my life, I have heard one male (yet to have kids) declare a yearning to be a father. Since I'd never heard it before I thought it was a bit weird. Haven’t seen anything much outside that among my mates - my brother was an exception who wanted to have children, and have them while he was young.
He was a hopeless heroin addict so I hope it didn't come to pass.
Something that I have long and regularly observed is a commonality between older, childless women (by choice) in that they tend to be largely joyless and narcissistic.
I think one of the many useful aspects of being a parent is that it teaches you from day one that you are not the most important person in your world. And that this is OK. Without that intervention, you develop the idea that you are the most important person in your world.
This, I find, is a uniquely female thing. A 60 year old bloke without kids is little different to a 60 year old bloke with kids. A bit richer perhaps.
I think one of the many useful aspects of being a parent is that it teaches you from day one that you are not the most important person in your world. And that this is OK. Without that intervention, you develop the idea that you are the most important person in your world.
This, I find, is a uniquely female thing. A 60 year old bloke without kids is little different to a 60 year old bloke with kids. A bit richer perhaps.
bloomen said:
okgo said:
I think it’s fairly common in men. Not fussed on them mostly before having them, love it when you do.
Haven’t seen anything much outside that among my mates - my brother was an exception who wanted to have children, and have them while he was young.
In the entirety of my life, I have heard one male (yet to have kids) declare a yearning to be a father. Since I'd never heard it before I thought it was a bit weird.Haven’t seen anything much outside that among my mates - my brother was an exception who wanted to have children, and have them while he was young.
He was a hopeless heroin addict so I hope it didn't come to pass.
However I think he is too self centered and arrogant to be a father, nice guy but I just cannot see him being a father and changing his whole mindset away from himself to a child, it would seriously bugger up his social life too of which he has a very active one.
He is the only male who I have encountered who wants children
okgo said:
I think it’s fairly common in men. Not fussed on them mostly before having them, love it when you do.
Haven’t seen anything much outside that among my mates - my brother was an exception who wanted to have children, and have them while he was young.
I reckon roughly half of my male friends have in private said to me that if they had their time again they wouldn’t have had children. The issue there of course is that the children are not an isolated element, if your chosen partner wants them you’re either having them or putting yourself back on the market. They’re not saying they don’t love their kids or even enjoy having them it’s just that life and normally relationships become so much more complicated and most of us are simple creatures at heart.Haven’t seen anything much outside that among my mates - my brother was an exception who wanted to have children, and have them while he was young.
When I was young I thought I might eventually have them. When I met my now wife she was very open about the fact that she didn’t want children and by then I was already fairly sure I didn’t want any either. We have a great lifestyle that wouldn’t be possible with children in the mix so it’s been a fairly easy choice to make for us.
Horses for courses.
I did want a child, I had it in my head it would be only one though. Quite a few of my mates who have kids wanted children too.
I guess in terms of women pushing the issue, they do have in effect a type of countdown timer whereas the guys don't. They may well have spoken with friends who had problems getting pregnant, I can totally understand why it becomes more urgent and important to start trying.
I guess in terms of women pushing the issue, they do have in effect a type of countdown timer whereas the guys don't. They may well have spoken with friends who had problems getting pregnant, I can totally understand why it becomes more urgent and important to start trying.
djc206 said:
I reckon roughly half of my male friends have in private said to me that if they had their time again they wouldn’t have had children. The issue there of course is that the children are not an isolated element, if your chosen partner wants them you’re either having them or putting yourself back on the market. They’re not saying they don’t love their kids or even enjoy having them it’s just that life and normally relationships become so much more complicated and most of us are simple creatures at heart.
When I was young I thought I might eventually have them. When I met my now wife she was very open about the fact that she didn’t want children and by then I was already fairly sure I didn’t want any either. We have a great lifestyle that wouldn’t be possible with children in the mix so it’s been a fairly easy choice to make for us.
Horses for courses.
The thing is, what they don’t often realise is the things they loved about life when they didn’t have them are much more rare when you’re older as statistically most of your mates WILL have them - and will not be around to do all the fun stuff as much as they were. You can only have so much of an amazing lifestyle with one other person, having multiple people to call on is what made most people’s 20’s so good. Unless they were a bit odd and spent all their time with only their partner - like my brother. When I was young I thought I might eventually have them. When I met my now wife she was very open about the fact that she didn’t want children and by then I was already fairly sure I didn’t want any either. We have a great lifestyle that wouldn’t be possible with children in the mix so it’s been a fairly easy choice to make for us.
Horses for courses.
I have a collection of mates some with no kids, most with now 2, but the most I see most are probably the ones who don’t have kids or their kids are much older as they’re around much more freely.
It’s easy for me to do whatever I want whenever I want (with some logic applied) with one kid and is part of the appeal for us, but mates of mine with two or more, it’s harder for them to dump both kids on mum - I’d say my wife and I go out at least once a week each with our own mates, some times more. I’ve just had a mates holiday, she is about to, and then we’re going away twice as a family so I feel the balance of ‘life as I knew it’ and having a child and giving them a great time is there for us but I don’t think it would be as easy with two.
StevieBee said:
Something that I have long and regularly observed is a commonality between older, childless women (by choice) in that they tend to be largely joyless and narcissistic.
I think one of the many useful aspects of being a parent is that it teaches you from day one that you are not the most important person in your world. And that this is OK. Without that intervention, you develop the idea that you are the most important person in your world.
This, I find, is a uniquely female thing. A 60 year old bloke without kids is little different to a 60 year old bloke with kids. A bit richer perhaps.
with a similar very broad brush obviously but a decent proportion of mothers appear incredibly selfish and narcissistic by proxy, with the added cloak of selflessness and martyrdom I think one of the many useful aspects of being a parent is that it teaches you from day one that you are not the most important person in your world. And that this is OK. Without that intervention, you develop the idea that you are the most important person in your world.
This, I find, is a uniquely female thing. A 60 year old bloke without kids is little different to a 60 year old bloke with kids. A bit richer perhaps.
- THIER children are the most important thing in THE world (rather than just their world) and they are saint and the soft grumbling about their burden is just to forever remind everyone how great a mother they are despite the enormity of the task THEY face (rather than any mother / parent)
i have never understood the apparent yearning for a medal from some mother's for looking after their offspring, its what having them should involve
again huge generalisations but a decent proportion of dads unlike mums appear to live through rather than for their children
coldel said:
I guess in terms of women pushing the issue, they do have in effect a type of countdown timer whereas the guys don't. They may well have spoken with friends who had problems getting pregnant, I can totally understand why it becomes more urgent and important to start trying.
Even if they say it's not a want now, no telling when the desire might arise and fair enough.The times it's been raised with me I've told them to go find someone else.
I've always been straightforward about it not being a desire of mine, and no way am I being railroaded into having my life potentially blown apart.
Even if they found me so delightful they might bury the idea, a couple of years down the line you'll be that prick that forever denied them their future.
My partner wanted them we have 2 and she made me happier than I have ever been in my life and didn't want to lose her.
I've never been as happy as I was at that point since and it's a battle to get any intimacy from her.
We spend more time talking about it than doing it, feels like there is a 1000 reasons we can't be intimate and I'm the only reason we should and I'm not worth the effort.
Don't feel I can rely on her or even trust that's she bothered about me been happy.
Sooner or later she's going to have to depend on me for something and I'll just say no.
Feel like I'll look back on our time now when she couldn't be bothered when she really need to rely on me ill just say no.
I've never been as happy as I was at that point since and it's a battle to get any intimacy from her.
We spend more time talking about it than doing it, feels like there is a 1000 reasons we can't be intimate and I'm the only reason we should and I'm not worth the effort.
Don't feel I can rely on her or even trust that's she bothered about me been happy.
Sooner or later she's going to have to depend on me for something and I'll just say no.
Feel like I'll look back on our time now when she couldn't be bothered when she really need to rely on me ill just say no.
Edited by CraigNewmarket on Wednesday 1st May 13:49
I never wanted kids, and me not wanting to 'settle down' and have children was the death knell for two long term (6yrs and 3rs) relationships I had with women who did. After the second of those broke down I spent 4yrs with a woman who'd been married three times (bad choices on her part) and had a teenage son. Fortunately she didn't want any more, but did want to get married (again!) and I wasn't fussed, so she dumped me! Never mind, I went off to some festivals in California and Texas instead!
So that saw me aged 38, single, good job, good disposable income, travelling the world frequently, living pretty carefree, but no partner. I didn't want or need a partner - I was happy with the odd fling, and didn't seem to struggle with the ladies - but then in a very short space of time all my mates started having kids and disappearing off the radar. All of a sudden my weekend clubbing pals were all very busy.
I did a bit of online dating, wasn't for me (everyone seemed to have several skeletons in their closet, and most of the women wanted kids) so was just drifting along, happily single. Then one night by chance I met my wife in Reading's legendary Purple Turtle (my drinking den of choice at the time, hence the username) and we really hit it off. After about 6 months of dating she was just upfront about it: I want to get married to you and have a family.
The 'old' me would have run a mile, but I'd kind of hit the point where every nice woman I met was the same - body clock into overdrive and wanting to fulfil that wish.
Me, to my best pal: "I really like her, but I just don't feel ready for it"
Best pal: "we're never ready, just get on with it!"
It was probably the talking to that I needed. We got married and after a lot of trying (it's not so easy for a woman in her late 30s) we eventually conceived and now have a 9yo son. He's now my best pal, the absolute apple of my eye, totally dote on him and can't imagine life without him.
I'm forever skint by comparison to how I used to be, can no longer afford to go on bling holidays, am running a 19yo E46 BMW M3 that I bought new but can't afford to replace, but I feel infinitely richer for it all. It's hard to put into words how much joy being a Dad has brought me (except the first six months, they were a sleep-deprived nightmare) but apart from that it's all great. When I had a mild heart scare a when he was two all I could think about in hospital was how much I would miss out on seeing him grow up.
So yeah, I ticked the option that says 'it was the missus's idea" but I'm glad I did.
There are so many "what ifs" in life I just don't know. Shortly after I met my wife I went on holiday to the US again where I have a number of friends. I had been planning on trying to relocate out there for a while, but it never happened. We'll never know what alternate direction I could've gone in.
So that saw me aged 38, single, good job, good disposable income, travelling the world frequently, living pretty carefree, but no partner. I didn't want or need a partner - I was happy with the odd fling, and didn't seem to struggle with the ladies - but then in a very short space of time all my mates started having kids and disappearing off the radar. All of a sudden my weekend clubbing pals were all very busy.
I did a bit of online dating, wasn't for me (everyone seemed to have several skeletons in their closet, and most of the women wanted kids) so was just drifting along, happily single. Then one night by chance I met my wife in Reading's legendary Purple Turtle (my drinking den of choice at the time, hence the username) and we really hit it off. After about 6 months of dating she was just upfront about it: I want to get married to you and have a family.
The 'old' me would have run a mile, but I'd kind of hit the point where every nice woman I met was the same - body clock into overdrive and wanting to fulfil that wish.
Me, to my best pal: "I really like her, but I just don't feel ready for it"
Best pal: "we're never ready, just get on with it!"
It was probably the talking to that I needed. We got married and after a lot of trying (it's not so easy for a woman in her late 30s) we eventually conceived and now have a 9yo son. He's now my best pal, the absolute apple of my eye, totally dote on him and can't imagine life without him.
I'm forever skint by comparison to how I used to be, can no longer afford to go on bling holidays, am running a 19yo E46 BMW M3 that I bought new but can't afford to replace, but I feel infinitely richer for it all. It's hard to put into words how much joy being a Dad has brought me (except the first six months, they were a sleep-deprived nightmare) but apart from that it's all great. When I had a mild heart scare a when he was two all I could think about in hospital was how much I would miss out on seeing him grow up.
So yeah, I ticked the option that says 'it was the missus's idea" but I'm glad I did.
There are so many "what ifs" in life I just don't know. Shortly after I met my wife I went on holiday to the US again where I have a number of friends. I had been planning on trying to relocate out there for a while, but it never happened. We'll never know what alternate direction I could've gone in.
Edited by PurpleTurtle on Wednesday 1st May 14:35
When I met my wife, I expected to have kids although didn't really want them. She wanted them but we sat on the topic for years while I explained my concerns (mainly - they take all your time and money, we could lose the excellent relationship we had - we met mid-30s and until then we'd both just been killing time waiting for the right person to come along) and she understood that but obviously it didn't change her key want.
Clock ticking, it came to the crunch when she reached 40 and there was a lot of I Definitely Want Kids NOW, and a fair bit of You Said You Did Too When We Met. She didn't add You bd but she may as well have done 
I loved her, no intention of leaving her, we went over the old ground of being worried about losing our relationship and sense of selves and becoming just Mum and Dad, and there was a whole heap of It Won't Change Us Honest, which I unfortunately believed as I wanted to hear it, and we started trying for a child.
Result:
- 2 children, both autistic
- very damaged relationship due to both of us finding it really hard in the early months
- post natal depression and post partum depression which in some ways we're both still dealing with
- big change in my partner once kids were here - most of the time it's like being married to an entirely different person to the one I married
- single income due to attending to the kids needs
- utterly skint, savings depleted to zero
I love both the children, they can be awesome in between their particular challenges. But the issues I raised beforehand have all come to pass - I have no spare time whatsoever, we have no money, I'm a wallet, she's generally supporting the kids or keeping house and garden, our relationship has worsened irrevocably, and we're all about the kids and not at all about us as a couple.
So I can really relate to 105.4's post. The bit perhaps not stated quite so clearly is that the difference between pre-kids wife and post-kids wife is huge, really wasn't prepared for that - but essentially I think can be summarised by the truism:
Men love women
Women love children
Children love hamsters
So go in with your eyes open to that and you've got a chance
Clock ticking, it came to the crunch when she reached 40 and there was a lot of I Definitely Want Kids NOW, and a fair bit of You Said You Did Too When We Met. She didn't add You b
d but she may as well have done I loved her, no intention of leaving her, we went over the old ground of being worried about losing our relationship and sense of selves and becoming just Mum and Dad, and there was a whole heap of It Won't Change Us Honest, which I unfortunately believed as I wanted to hear it, and we started trying for a child.
Result:
- 2 children, both autistic
- very damaged relationship due to both of us finding it really hard in the early months
- post natal depression and post partum depression which in some ways we're both still dealing with
- big change in my partner once kids were here - most of the time it's like being married to an entirely different person to the one I married
- single income due to attending to the kids needs
- utterly skint, savings depleted to zero
I love both the children, they can be awesome in between their particular challenges. But the issues I raised beforehand have all come to pass - I have no spare time whatsoever, we have no money, I'm a wallet, she's generally supporting the kids or keeping house and garden, our relationship has worsened irrevocably, and we're all about the kids and not at all about us as a couple.
So I can really relate to 105.4's post. The bit perhaps not stated quite so clearly is that the difference between pre-kids wife and post-kids wife is huge, really wasn't prepared for that - but essentially I think can be summarised by the truism:
Men love women
Women love children
Children love hamsters
So go in with your eyes open to that and you've got a chance
I was early 20s when i realised I wanted a family. My only regret is I have one and not more. After my divorce i never found another woman with whom I wanted to have a child. That was true until a four years ago. Sadly she considers me too old to be a father, which is true as I'm approaching 70.
I am blessed with a mid 40something Daughter and teenage Granddaughter. I cannot conceive of a life where they do not exist. When like me she was London based we'd meet weekly for a drink or two after work. Now sadly we are not geographically close as she moved to the USA 9 years ago, but we FaceTime daily and meet as often as we can.
As to the why. Maybe a selfish desire. It is clear now that we need children to prevent our ageing population declining.
P.S. I delivered my daughter at home before the doctor and midwife arrived. It was incredible.
I am blessed with a mid 40something Daughter and teenage Granddaughter. I cannot conceive of a life where they do not exist. When like me she was London based we'd meet weekly for a drink or two after work. Now sadly we are not geographically close as she moved to the USA 9 years ago, but we FaceTime daily and meet as often as we can.
As to the why. Maybe a selfish desire. It is clear now that we need children to prevent our ageing population declining.
P.S. I delivered my daughter at home before the doctor and midwife arrived. It was incredible.
Edited by Nomme de Plum on Wednesday 1st May 14:52
WOW - some of the stories on this thread!
The chap above that tells a sad tale and then concludes RUN as he is a walking ATM.
There surely are other options to a life like that?
My story - did not want children, ever. Ended up with a nice girl, (never married, never would) - and spent ten years together and it was fine.
She always wanted kids from day one, I was fairly vocal against (but apparently this bit has been forgotten).
At 38 she became pregnant and lost it - she was very sad, and something changed in me where I wanted her to have her dreams (i had by that point lived all of mine at 47 years old).
So we went for it, needed a little help, much more sadness and loss for a couple of years, and then at 41 we had our perfect son.
I'm nearly 50, with a two year old boy and I genuinely couldn't be happier that I have him. I love the bones of him, and now my mission is to live a second life where I stay alive long enough, and healthy / fit enough to give him a father that he deserves.
The other points on being relegated is definitely true though, but I really don't care. I am happy that she puts our son 100% first, 100% of the time.
I'm essentially old enough that this has been a total bonus to my life. I'm not sure it would have worked at 25 or even 35 - I suspect i was still too selfish
The chap above that tells a sad tale and then concludes RUN as he is a walking ATM.
There surely are other options to a life like that?
My story - did not want children, ever. Ended up with a nice girl, (never married, never would) - and spent ten years together and it was fine.
She always wanted kids from day one, I was fairly vocal against (but apparently this bit has been forgotten).
At 38 she became pregnant and lost it - she was very sad, and something changed in me where I wanted her to have her dreams (i had by that point lived all of mine at 47 years old).
So we went for it, needed a little help, much more sadness and loss for a couple of years, and then at 41 we had our perfect son.
I'm nearly 50, with a two year old boy and I genuinely couldn't be happier that I have him. I love the bones of him, and now my mission is to live a second life where I stay alive long enough, and healthy / fit enough to give him a father that he deserves.
The other points on being relegated is definitely true though, but I really don't care. I am happy that she puts our son 100% first, 100% of the time.
I'm essentially old enough that this has been a total bonus to my life. I'm not sure it would have worked at 25 or even 35 - I suspect i was still too selfish
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