Why did you have children?
Poll: Why did you have children?
Total Members Polled: 194
Discussion
I was indifferent when I met my wife. I really fell for her and she was adamant she wanted kids so it was a deal breaker from day one.
All I wanted was a motorbike and made it very clear I couldn't be with someone who would attempt to put a stop to my passion. Although very different things we have always had the type of relationship where we don't stand in eachothers way.
Now I have an (almost) 11 year old and a 7 year old - both boys. Very challenging at times and no matter what I expected beforehand there is no way you can prepare for even 20% of what being a parent throws at you. I have a great relationship with them both though and wouldn't have it any other way now, I struggle to remember what life was like before all the responsibility.
All I wanted was a motorbike and made it very clear I couldn't be with someone who would attempt to put a stop to my passion. Although very different things we have always had the type of relationship where we don't stand in eachothers way.
Now I have an (almost) 11 year old and a 7 year old - both boys. Very challenging at times and no matter what I expected beforehand there is no way you can prepare for even 20% of what being a parent throws at you. I have a great relationship with them both though and wouldn't have it any other way now, I struggle to remember what life was like before all the responsibility.
Interesting mix of views and experiences here.
I remember reading on PH years ago on a similar thread, a very wise poster who had children a little later in life, probably mid 30s like me, said his only wish was that he'd had his kids 10 years earlier so he'd have an extra 10 years with them.
Also, was talking to a mate with 3 grown up children who said one day they stop doing things they've always done such as calling you daddy, wanting to wrestle cuddling on the sofa etc.
These points both resonated with me hugely; it's why I will always play football with my lad when he wants to or I'll suggest it (even when I've been in the city and exhausted - I just think one day he won't want to play football with me) and we lie on the bed reading every night together before lights out and we just have a real laugh.
I remember reading on PH years ago on a similar thread, a very wise poster who had children a little later in life, probably mid 30s like me, said his only wish was that he'd had his kids 10 years earlier so he'd have an extra 10 years with them.
Also, was talking to a mate with 3 grown up children who said one day they stop doing things they've always done such as calling you daddy, wanting to wrestle cuddling on the sofa etc.
These points both resonated with me hugely; it's why I will always play football with my lad when he wants to or I'll suggest it (even when I've been in the city and exhausted - I just think one day he won't want to play football with me) and we lie on the bed reading every night together before lights out and we just have a real laugh.
My paternal urge wasn't particularly strong pre-child but I shared the same vision of a family with my partner. I didn't fully appreciate the change that this would bring to my life other then that it would be a big one and I'd give up a lot of my time. Before and during the preganancy we discussed what our life would be like post-child (assuming it was 'normal' for lack of a better word) and what kind of balance we would have with respect to work/life/parenting etc - times have changed afterall and in hindsight this was very important.
The Selfish Gene said:
WOW - some of the stories on this thread!
The chap above that tells a sad tale and then concludes RUN as he is a walking ATM.
There surely are other options to a life like that?
My story - did not want children, ever. Ended up with a nice girl, (never married, never would) - and spent ten years together and it was fine.
She always wanted kids from day one, I was fairly vocal against (but apparently this bit has been forgotten).
At 38 she became pregnant and lost it - she was very sad, and something changed in me where I wanted her to have her dreams (i had by that point lived all of mine at 47 years old).
So we went for it, needed a little help, much more sadness and loss for a couple of years, and then at 41 we had our perfect son.
I'm nearly 50, with a two year old boy and I genuinely couldn't be happier that I have him. I love the bones of him, and now my mission is to live a second life where I stay alive long enough, and healthy / fit enough to give him a father that he deserves.
The other points on being relegated is definitely true though, but I really don't care. I am happy that she puts our son 100% first, 100% of the time.
I'm essentially old enough that this has been a total bonus to my life. I'm not sure it would have worked at 25 or even 35 - I suspect i was still too selfish
Definitely something to be said for having kids when young vs later in life. I had travelled the world lived in Asia and mainland Europe, bought and sold dozens of cars, done lads holidays etc then had my son … ther was no feeling of him holding me back or stopping me from doing anything because I had already done loads … some of my friends who had kids much younger, more than the fair share have separated and now in their 40s living like a 20 year oldThe chap above that tells a sad tale and then concludes RUN as he is a walking ATM.
There surely are other options to a life like that?
My story - did not want children, ever. Ended up with a nice girl, (never married, never would) - and spent ten years together and it was fine.
She always wanted kids from day one, I was fairly vocal against (but apparently this bit has been forgotten).
At 38 she became pregnant and lost it - she was very sad, and something changed in me where I wanted her to have her dreams (i had by that point lived all of mine at 47 years old).
So we went for it, needed a little help, much more sadness and loss for a couple of years, and then at 41 we had our perfect son.
I'm nearly 50, with a two year old boy and I genuinely couldn't be happier that I have him. I love the bones of him, and now my mission is to live a second life where I stay alive long enough, and healthy / fit enough to give him a father that he deserves.
The other points on being relegated is definitely true though, but I really don't care. I am happy that she puts our son 100% first, 100% of the time.
I'm essentially old enough that this has been a total bonus to my life. I'm not sure it would have worked at 25 or even 35 - I suspect i was still too selfish
very interesting reading from my point of view.
I have 2, never wanted to be a Dad, it was always something other people did and didn't view myself as fatherly.
My bachelor life was great and I really quite enjoyed myself, but yearned for a long-term partner.
Met someone online, had our first 'accident' and life just seemed to change overnight from traveling, pubs clubs and parties to nappies, disturbed sleep and suburbia.
2 years later it was put to me, get on or get out, so under duress, number 2 turned up. (the snip was promptly booked after that).
Kids are now 8 and 10.
Now, I'd like to say I'm not a bad Dad. We are always on the go to after school clubs, days out, family, weekends away where we can,
I utterly love my kids, they confuse, amuse and amaze me every day. I give them every penny I have, and every hour that they are not somewhere is dedicated to them, whether they want it or not. They are utterly spoilt.
My partner, having gained everything she asked for (ring, house, kids, holidays, car etc) I am pretty sure views me as nothing more than an inconvenience. I am the maid to 4 people and stuck, financially and emotionally, forever being compared to what others have and we don't (houses, cars, holidays etc).
Communication throughout our relationship has been awful and we live in this toxic environment which is of no benefit to anyone, including the kids.
I would suggest being 200% sure that the person you decide to procreate with isn't mental and you both set out your stall beforehand, as kids, whilst a distraction, only amplify the lack of relationship you will have.
I have 2, never wanted to be a Dad, it was always something other people did and didn't view myself as fatherly.
My bachelor life was great and I really quite enjoyed myself, but yearned for a long-term partner.
Met someone online, had our first 'accident' and life just seemed to change overnight from traveling, pubs clubs and parties to nappies, disturbed sleep and suburbia.
2 years later it was put to me, get on or get out, so under duress, number 2 turned up. (the snip was promptly booked after that).
Kids are now 8 and 10.
Now, I'd like to say I'm not a bad Dad. We are always on the go to after school clubs, days out, family, weekends away where we can,
I utterly love my kids, they confuse, amuse and amaze me every day. I give them every penny I have, and every hour that they are not somewhere is dedicated to them, whether they want it or not. They are utterly spoilt.
My partner, having gained everything she asked for (ring, house, kids, holidays, car etc) I am pretty sure views me as nothing more than an inconvenience. I am the maid to 4 people and stuck, financially and emotionally, forever being compared to what others have and we don't (houses, cars, holidays etc).
Communication throughout our relationship has been awful and we live in this toxic environment which is of no benefit to anyone, including the kids.
I would suggest being 200% sure that the person you decide to procreate with isn't mental and you both set out your stall beforehand, as kids, whilst a distraction, only amplify the lack of relationship you will have.
evilkinevil1981 said:
very interesting reading from my point of view.
I have 2, never wanted to be a Dad, it was always something other people did and didn't view myself as fatherly.
My bachelor life was great and I really quite enjoyed myself, but yearned for a long-term partner.
Met someone online, had our first 'accident' and life just seemed to change overnight from traveling, pubs clubs and parties to nappies, disturbed sleep and suburbia.
2 years later it was put to me, get on or get out, so under duress, number 2 turned up. (the snip was promptly booked after that).
Kids are now 8 and 10.
Now, I'd like to say I'm not a bad Dad. We are always on the go to after school clubs, days out, family, weekends away where we can,
I utterly love my kids, they confuse, amuse and amaze me every day. I give them every penny I have, and every hour that they are not somewhere is dedicated to them, whether they want it or not. They are utterly spoilt.
My partner, having gained everything she asked for (ring, house, kids, holidays, car etc) I am pretty sure views me as nothing more than an inconvenience. I am the maid to 4 people and stuck, financially and emotionally, forever being compared to what others have and we don't (houses, cars, holidays etc).
Communication throughout our relationship has been awful and we live in this toxic environment which is of no benefit to anyone, including the kids.
I would suggest being 200% sure that the person you decide to procreate with isn't mental and you both set out your stall beforehand, as kids, whilst a distraction, only amplify the lack of relationship you will have.
Similar here, don't feel loved wanted or that she has any consideration for my feelings at all. We don't argue because she just shuts down before we even get to that point. It will all blow up eventually I'm sure. I'll probably get the I love you but not in love with you speech somewhere along the line. I have 2, never wanted to be a Dad, it was always something other people did and didn't view myself as fatherly.
My bachelor life was great and I really quite enjoyed myself, but yearned for a long-term partner.
Met someone online, had our first 'accident' and life just seemed to change overnight from traveling, pubs clubs and parties to nappies, disturbed sleep and suburbia.
2 years later it was put to me, get on or get out, so under duress, number 2 turned up. (the snip was promptly booked after that).
Kids are now 8 and 10.
Now, I'd like to say I'm not a bad Dad. We are always on the go to after school clubs, days out, family, weekends away where we can,
I utterly love my kids, they confuse, amuse and amaze me every day. I give them every penny I have, and every hour that they are not somewhere is dedicated to them, whether they want it or not. They are utterly spoilt.
My partner, having gained everything she asked for (ring, house, kids, holidays, car etc) I am pretty sure views me as nothing more than an inconvenience. I am the maid to 4 people and stuck, financially and emotionally, forever being compared to what others have and we don't (houses, cars, holidays etc).
Communication throughout our relationship has been awful and we live in this toxic environment which is of no benefit to anyone, including the kids.
I would suggest being 200% sure that the person you decide to procreate with isn't mental and you both set out your stall beforehand, as kids, whilst a distraction, only amplify the lack of relationship you will have.
Agree on the last paragraph but after kids partners change and by then it's too late. We're engaged but not married, I would have married the woman I got engaged to the next day, now I wouldn't.
Edited by CraigNewmarket on Thursday 2nd May 18:38
heisthegaffer said:
Interesting mix of views and experiences here.
I remember reading on PH years ago on a similar thread, a very wise poster who had children a little later in life, probably mid 30s like me, said his only wish was that he'd had his kids 10 years earlier so he'd have an extra 10 years with them.
Also, was talking to a mate with 3 grown up children who said one day they stop doing things they've always done such as calling you daddy, wanting to wrestle cuddling on the sofa etc.
These points both resonated with me hugely; it's why I will always play football with my lad when he wants to or I'll suggest it (even when I've been in the city and exhausted - I just think one day he won't want to play football with me) and we lie on the bed reading every night together before lights out and we just have a real laugh.
I always have in the back of my mind the thought that for all these type of things there will be a ‘last time’ you ever do it. You probably won’t realise it’s the last time ever when it happens, you’ll just never do it again. I remember reading on PH years ago on a similar thread, a very wise poster who had children a little later in life, probably mid 30s like me, said his only wish was that he'd had his kids 10 years earlier so he'd have an extra 10 years with them.
Also, was talking to a mate with 3 grown up children who said one day they stop doing things they've always done such as calling you daddy, wanting to wrestle cuddling on the sofa etc.
These points both resonated with me hugely; it's why I will always play football with my lad when he wants to or I'll suggest it (even when I've been in the city and exhausted - I just think one day he won't want to play football with me) and we lie on the bed reading every night together before lights out and we just have a real laugh.
CraigNewmarket said:
Similar here, don't feel loved wanted or that she has any consideration for my feelings at all. We don't argue because she just shuts down before we even get to that point. It will all blow up eventually I'm sure. I'll probably get the I love you but not in love with you speech somewhere along the line.
Agree on the last paragraph but after kids partners change and by then it's too late. We're engaged but not married, I would have married the woman I got engaged to the next day, now I wouldn't.
exactly the same.Agree on the last paragraph but after kids partners change and by then it's too late. We're engaged but not married, I would have married the woman I got engaged to the next day, now I wouldn't.
Edited by CraigNewmarket on Thursday 2nd May 18:38
Now there are always 2 sides to each story and I fully admit I'm not a bag of laughs I should be, but also feel unloved and unwanted. I would say cancelled may be the word.
Its easy to say just leave and move on, but that opportunity has sailed a long time ago and seeing how things play out with others in a similar situation, to be removed from my kids life and have them be programmed against me, whilst I pay for it, is just not something I want.
I have come to the conclusion, for now, its either stay and put up with the abuse and toxic lifestyle, or go and everything goes to sh!t
It's a bit disheartening to see so many folk being subjected to ultimatums. I'd fire someone instantly if they expected that to be acceptable.
At least most are indifferent vs actively anti procreation, but if the genders were reversed on a female-centric forum they'd scream the joint down.
At least most are indifferent vs actively anti procreation, but if the genders were reversed on a female-centric forum they'd scream the joint down.
I'm 36. My OH just turned 34. We have no kids. She's always been quite vocal about not wanting any. I was okay with that as frankly, I was too stressed with work to have any mental space for a kid.
Now I've hit a midlife crisis and realised (I always knew but didn't really do anything to fix it) that my work stress was at least 75% my owj self induced pressure. And then wait. Our last few years have been quite...empty. I've been quite vacant and stressed. For no good reason beyond I had to be perfect. In everything. Now I've been given a rude awakening and realising that time is slipping by.
Crossroads. Had initial discussions about having them with her. Terrified her. Who knows.
Now I've hit a midlife crisis and realised (I always knew but didn't really do anything to fix it) that my work stress was at least 75% my owj self induced pressure. And then wait. Our last few years have been quite...empty. I've been quite vacant and stressed. For no good reason beyond I had to be perfect. In everything. Now I've been given a rude awakening and realising that time is slipping by.
Crossroads. Had initial discussions about having them with her. Terrified her. Who knows.
I never intended to have children or even gave the subject any thought until my girlfriend one day turned round and told me she was pregnant. I was 37, she was 35, and up to that point we’d been perfectly happy together and genuinely had never even raised the subject of kids.
The key thing was, we’d been together for 9 years at that point and had been through good times/bad times together - the “love’s young dream” thing didn’t apply and we had kind of done the whole weekend-mini-break thing to death. We knew each other and were comfortable in a true domestic sense.
Even with that background, having kids was an absolute assault on every aspect of our lives. There were tough times, 100%, and there’s things I’d definitely do differently, but my children have provided me with a contentment and a happiness that is literally irreplaceable. I’d give a kidney to each of them, without a moment’s thought. They are my best friends, my world, and I’d hate to think I’d have gone through life without knowing them.
There’s a lot of unhappiness and resentment in this thread, which is fair enough, but for me it has been the greatest gift I’ve ever had. Not one regret.
The key thing was, we’d been together for 9 years at that point and had been through good times/bad times together - the “love’s young dream” thing didn’t apply and we had kind of done the whole weekend-mini-break thing to death. We knew each other and were comfortable in a true domestic sense.
Even with that background, having kids was an absolute assault on every aspect of our lives. There were tough times, 100%, and there’s things I’d definitely do differently, but my children have provided me with a contentment and a happiness that is literally irreplaceable. I’d give a kidney to each of them, without a moment’s thought. They are my best friends, my world, and I’d hate to think I’d have gone through life without knowing them.
There’s a lot of unhappiness and resentment in this thread, which is fair enough, but for me it has been the greatest gift I’ve ever had. Not one regret.
Steve H said:
When our second was born, I used to gonto my car at lunch time, get into the backseat, lie down, put my head on a pillow, pull a blanket over me, and sleep until my alarm clock woke me up at the end of lunch time. Occassionally, I'd stop on the way home and have 30 mins kip too. I was knackered.
Dave Hedgehog said:
RayDonovan said:
thebraketester said:
RayDonovan said:
I wasn't bothered either way really. Now have a 8 year old and (generally) love being a Parent.
Yes it's hard work, expensive and time consuming but the good parts outweigh the bad easily. I did really struggle when he was between 0-3 but it does get better, especially if you have a boy and can do activities with them.
I'd love a proper lie in now and again though
Can't one do activities with girls? Yes it's hard work, expensive and time consuming but the good parts outweigh the bad easily. I did really struggle when he was between 0-3 but it does get better, especially if you have a boy and can do activities with them.
I'd love a proper lie in now and again though
I was never so proud as when my grandson 7 stripped all the accessories of a spare nurf rifle and fitted them to his own to max out his load out
I haven’t avoided the Disney, unicorn and princess paraphernalia scattered around the house though.
I didn’t want kids, I had them because I felt obliged. I was petrified of the responsibility and tbh the reality is I find the burden of responsibility absolutely crippling.
Do I regret having kids, no, they’re great kids, but I don’t know that I enjoy being a parent necessarily and I don’t think I’m very good at it either. I resent the missus a bit because financially it’s all been on me for the last 15 years and there are times when I wonder what the f
k I’m doing here when I’m being treated with utter contempt by them all. Unlike some, having kids didn’t stop me doing anything, I travelled with work, did lots of sports, I went on lads holidays, football tours, ski trips, mountain bike holidays etc.. my missus might resent me a bit for that! It was a combo of Covid lockdowns, a back injury and a house move that kicked all that into touch rather than kids.Im 43 next week. We have a 3.5 year old girl. It certainly changes you and i enjoyed a selfish life previously. Absolutely adore my little girl but wish i had done it a bit sooner. Mrs is a fab mum but is absolutely desperate for another. I am absolutely against that 100%. It is causing arguments with lots of pressure from her, the relationship can be volatile. We have no help or support. Two nights out together in 3 years. I am dealing with a very ill disabled brain damaged Dad and ageing frail mum with mental health problems. I am also running a hectic business. I have hypertension and on medication. Need a break! They say life begins at 40 and it certainly has for me. I do miss my old selfish life with travel, relaxation, lazy days and pretty much complete freedom. The burden of parenthood and failing is massive and like others here the full financial burden falls on me.
I love my daughter but i do look forward to some kind of retirement before i snuff it!
I love my daughter but i do look forward to some kind of retirement before i snuff it!
M3333 said:
Im 43 next week. We have a 3.5 year old girl. It certainly changes you and i enjoyed a selfish life previously. Absolutely adore my little girl but wish i had done it a bit sooner. Mrs is a fab mum but is absolutely desperate for another. I am absolutely against that 100%. It is causing arguments with lots of pressure from her, the relationship can be volatile. We have no help or support. Two nights out together in 3 years. I am dealing with a very ill disabled brain damaged Dad and ageing frail mum with mental health problems. I am also running a hectic business. I have hypertension and on medication. Need a break! They say life begins at 40 and it certainly has for me. I do miss my old selfish life with travel, relaxation, lazy days and pretty much complete freedom. The burden of parenthood and failing is massive and like others here the full financial burden falls on me.
I love my daughter but i do look forward to some kind of retirement before i snuff it!
If your Wife has a modicum of respect for you, she'll stick with 1 child.I love my daughter but i do look forward to some kind of retirement before i snuff it!
Some sobering posts on the thread since I last looked in...
For those going through tough times, it can and sometimes does get better. It's easy to fall into a pit of despair and feel like a second class citizen in your own own-sometimes because you are!
That poster had it sort of right with "men love women, women love children and love hamsters", the only thing I'd change is children should love their mum and dad.
We've got two, three years apart. For the first two years of each of their lives I was a back seat consideration (the breastfeeding years). I felt the same, I wasn't married to the same person I fell in love with but to be fair she wasn't!. Her body had changed (a massive thing for her) to something she didn't feel comfortable with, the kids both totally sapped her energy and took up almost every waking second of her life.
I through myself into work and fostered resentment. She probably wasn't much happier either.
Then after a couple of years of the first we ended up back together as man and wife and low and behold no2 arrived and the cycle continued.
Now I can see how those roughly five years could have broken marriages, caused affairs or whatever. For us, the key thing was getting the kids off the tit and sleeping by themselves. Then something approaching normality could resume.
One key thing that we discovered that virtually changed things overnight was an almost two year battle to recognise my wife with peri menopausal condition (or whatever you call it). This can't be overstated enough. Also me getting the snip so she doesn't have to pump hormones through herself that hadn't really agreed with her since forever.
From this, my girlfreind returened in a thirty something body. She lost probably the last stone of weight she'd gained since having children and felt good about herself.
It isn't perfect (what is?), I need to do my job of reminding her what a stunning woman she's become, how I don't miss the twenty something body I married but the post children MILF I'm with-we all get old!
The key thing is you need to work at it, and talk, please, please do talk things through and look for the solutions that work between you both.
For those going through tough times, it can and sometimes does get better. It's easy to fall into a pit of despair and feel like a second class citizen in your own own-sometimes because you are!
That poster had it sort of right with "men love women, women love children and love hamsters", the only thing I'd change is children should love their mum and dad.
We've got two, three years apart. For the first two years of each of their lives I was a back seat consideration (the breastfeeding years). I felt the same, I wasn't married to the same person I fell in love with but to be fair she wasn't!. Her body had changed (a massive thing for her) to something she didn't feel comfortable with, the kids both totally sapped her energy and took up almost every waking second of her life.
I through myself into work and fostered resentment. She probably wasn't much happier either.
Then after a couple of years of the first we ended up back together as man and wife and low and behold no2 arrived and the cycle continued.
Now I can see how those roughly five years could have broken marriages, caused affairs or whatever. For us, the key thing was getting the kids off the tit and sleeping by themselves. Then something approaching normality could resume.
One key thing that we discovered that virtually changed things overnight was an almost two year battle to recognise my wife with peri menopausal condition (or whatever you call it). This can't be overstated enough. Also me getting the snip so she doesn't have to pump hormones through herself that hadn't really agreed with her since forever.
From this, my girlfreind returened in a thirty something body. She lost probably the last stone of weight she'd gained since having children and felt good about herself.
It isn't perfect (what is?), I need to do my job of reminding her what a stunning woman she's become, how I don't miss the twenty something body I married but the post children MILF I'm with-we all get old!
The key thing is you need to work at it, and talk, please, please do talk things through and look for the solutions that work between you both.
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