Why did you have children?

[HTP99]

Bill said:

coldel said:

Seems a common thing that it’s not the act of having a kid, or having the kids around, that’s stressed fathers … it’s the relationship with the partner in many cases

Having kids isn't always easy and will show up cracks in a relationship.

Kids never really changed our relationship, I think because:

1. my (now) wife didn't really want them when she became pregnant so she never really had that deep yearning and desire to be a mum, I find women like that just seem to live for their children and nothing else, pushing their partners aside
2. our children generally fitted around us, sure we had to make the odd sacrifice here and there but ultimately they didn't dictate our life going forward, too many parents it's the kids and nothing else, it's all about the children.
3. my wife didn't breastfeed, meaning a) I could help and muck in and b) she wasn't constantly knackered and preoccupied with feeding, I know of families where breastfeeding has just been a nightmare, is constant, stressful and just totally energy sapping, which has a massive bearing on relationships.

[NDA]

coldel said:

Seems a common thing that it’s not the act of having a kid, or having the kids around, that’s stressed fathers … it’s the relationship with the partner in many cases

In my experience, when kids arrive you go from being number one on your wife's list to being number 4 or 5. Many men find this hard to cope with when they still have their wife as their number one. Perhaps it's naïve to expect to be as important or respected after children arrive - but a vague attempt at it might help.

Then the hamster wheel of work and finding that you're simply a flesh coloured cashpoint machine. Combine this with a mother who seems to be running a popularity competition with the kids "this Christmas present is from mummy" kind of thing.

It's a slow creep and I can see some of the posters on here going through it.

I got divorced after 20 years of it and am the happiest I've been in 20 years funnily enough.

I don't regret having children, although my ex successfully poisoned my daughter so I haven't seen her for years. I am close with my son - both are adults and were when I divorced.

[The Moose]

I’m in my mid 30s. Have 3 little ones aged 5 and under and currently lying next to my pregnant wife expecting #4 in under a couple of months.

I always wanted kids. I can’t really articulate why - I just knew I wanted kids. My only regret is not having them at a younger age.

I know I’m not the best dad - I’m probably lower-middle at best. But I do the best I can with them.

The one piece of advice I have is that from the day I put that wedding band on my wife’s finger and her’s on mine, she has been the most important person in my life and I’ve been the most important person in her life. That has continued (with some considerable effort at times!!) through having kids.

What was written above about one day the kid will stop doing something and that will be that forever is so true. In my daughter’s 5th birthday, I couldn’t help but think that she was nearly 25% of the way to 21 years old…

[coldel]

Bill said:

coldel said:

Seems a common thing that it’s not the act of having a kid, or having the kids around, that’s stressed fathers … it’s the relationship with the partner in many cases

Having kids isn't always easy and will show up cracks in a relationship.

Can 100% agree on that. Its often quoted couples that are struggling to make it work have kids to try help that, its often in fact the opposite effect!

I also am reading on here a lot of fathers being their own worst critics, I do think if we all sat down with a coach and spoke about it, we would surface a load of great stuff we do that we never give ourselves credit for.

[RSbandit]

Mine are all still quite young so the comments about them still wanting to do funny things (wrestling matches etc) with daddy resonate and the day will come when that will stop so I always try to engage and enjoy that with them even if I’m fairly knackered from work. I do find my patience levels tested sometimes as getting them out for school in the morning can be torturous never mind that the place can look like a bombs hit it! My wife is a great lady though and has always been calm and level headed through some stressful times… probably applies to most women but the libido certainly dropped post kids which is something I miss but hopefully it might return at some point…not a complete desert but a fair bit less action that pre kids ! Anyway overall I think I’m fortunate my kids and wife are healthy and life is generally ok , sorry to read the stories of posters experiencing tougher circumstances .

[shirt]

NDA said:

Then the hamster wheel of work and finding that you're simply a flesh coloured cashpoint machine. Combine this with a mother who seems to be running a popularity competition with the kids "this Christmas present is from mummy" kind of thing.
.

In a cafe the other day and on the next table we’re a couple with their kid. The mum kept asking ‘who do you love more, mummy or daddy’ and then praising the kid each time it said mummy. Dad looked extremely pissed off.

I do agree with you that the main consideration I would have over ‘are we having kids’ would be the strength and quality of the relationship thus far.

[CraigNewmarket]

The Moose said:

I’m in my mid 30s. Have 3 little ones aged 5 and under and currently lying next to my pregnant wife expecting #4 in under a couple of months.

I always wanted kids. I can’t really articulate why - I just knew I wanted kids. My only regret is not having them at a younger age.

I know I’m not the best dad - I’m probably lower-middle at best. But I do the best I can with them.

The one piece of advice I have is that from the day I put that wedding band on my wife’s finger and her’s on mine, she has been the most important person in my life and I’ve been the most important person in her life. That has continued (with some considerable effort at times!!) through having kids.

What was written above about one day the kid will stop doing something and that will be that forever is so true. In my daughter’s 5th birthday, I couldn’t help but think that she was nearly 25% of the way to 21 years old…

It's a awful feeling when you have so much to give to your partner now and in the future and you are happy to give and support them with whatever they want, but then whenever you want support from your partner the answer is no. To just dismiss your feelings as not important and not even suggest a compromise.

I'm happy to support my family emotionally financially and everything else but at the very least I want to be heard. It's all one way your expected to be there for your partner (and I am) but she won't be there for you.

I'm supposed to be with this person for the rest of my life and I can't rely or trust her to make me happy. She let me down so many times I don't even believe her. If it was the other way round her friends and family would be telling her to leave for sure.

[CraigNewmarket]

shirt said:

NDA said:

Then the hamster wheel of work and finding that you're simply a flesh coloured cashpoint machine. Combine this with a mother who seems to be running a popularity competition with the kids "this Christmas present is from mummy" kind of thing.
.

In a cafe the other day and on the next table we’re a couple with their kid. The mum kept asking ‘who do you love more, mummy or daddy’ and then praising the kid each time it said mummy. Dad looked extremely pissed off.

I do agree with you that the main consideration I would have over ‘are we having kids’ would be the strength and quality of the relationship thus far.

The problem I had is before we had kids she made me the happiest I've ever been in my life and that was all down the the person she was. Nothing mattered in the world to me apart from us been together. It was the highest of highs. I used to think to myself how lucky I was and no-one had ever made me feel this way. If I could repeat that few month of my life again and again I would. She would done anything for our relationship.

I think to myself if she can change this much in a few years whats she going to be like in another 5 - 10 years.

If I was married I would be really worried and getting married would risk my retirment plans. It's just not worth the gamble.

[CraigNewmarket]

RSbandit said:

Mine are all still quite young so the comments about them still wanting to do funny things (wrestling matches etc) with daddy resonate and the day will come when that will stop so I always try to engage and enjoy that with them even if I’m fairly knackered from work. I do find my patience levels tested sometimes as getting them out for school in the morning can be torturous never mind that the place can look like a bombs hit it! My wife is a great lady though and has always been calm and level headed through some stressful times… probably applies to most women but the libido certainly dropped post kids which is something I miss but hopefully it might return at some point…not a complete desert but a fair bit less action that pre kids ! Anyway overall I think I’m fortunate my kids and wife are healthy and life is generally ok , sorry to read the stories of posters experiencing tougher circumstances .

How old are yours?

[CraigNewmarket]

evilkinevil1981 said:

CraigNewmarket said:

Similar here, don't feel loved wanted or that she has any consideration for my feelings at all. We don't argue because she just shuts down before we even get to that point. It will all blow up eventually I'm sure. I'll probably get the I love you but not in love with you speech somewhere along the line.

Agree on the last paragraph but after kids partners change and by then it's too late. We're engaged but not married, I would have married the woman I got engaged to the next day, now I wouldn't.

Edited by CraigNewmarket on Thursday 2nd May 18:38

exactly the same.

Now there are always 2 sides to each story and I fully admit I'm not a bag of laughs I should be, but also feel unloved and unwanted. I would say cancelled may be the word.

Its easy to say just leave and move on, but that opportunity has sailed a long time ago and seeing how things play out with others in a similar situation, to be removed from my kids life and have them be programmed against me, whilst I pay for it, is just not something I want.

I have come to the conclusion, for now, its either stay and put up with the abuse and toxic lifestyle, or go and everything goes to sh!t

Just on your last paragraph, it's so hard to plan any sort of future in this constant limbo. I honestly feel I could finish work anyday and there been a note on the table saying it's not working out and I'm at my mums with the kids.

Imagine finishing work and wondering if her car is on the drive or if she has just left that's the position I'm in . The sad thing is I would support her in every way until the day I died if she just took me into consideration.

[RSbandit]

CraigNewmarket said:

How old are yours?

Eldest is 8 and younger ones 5

[dukeboy749r]

The Moose said:

I’m in my mid 30s. Have 3 little ones aged 5 and under and currently lying next to my pregnant wife expecting #4 in under a couple of months.

I always wanted kids. I can’t really articulate why - I just knew I wanted kids. My only regret is not having them at a younger age.

I know I’m not the best dad - I’m probably lower-middle at best. But I do the best I can with them.

The one piece of advice I have is that from the day I put that wedding band on my wife’s finger and her’s on mine, she has been the most important person in my life and I’ve been the most important person in her life. That has continued (with some considerable effort at times!!) through having kids.

What was written above about one day the kid will stop doing something and that will be that forever is so true. In my daughter’s 5th birthday, I couldn’t help but think that she was nearly 25% of the way to 21 years old…

Moose - doing YOUR best is the only thing any of us can actually ever do.

We can lament/wish/cry/swear that things might/should be different, but they are what they are.

If you, no matter how tired, how stressed, how uninterested or self-absorbed (you may be feeling), turn up, day in, day out and do your best for your wife and children.

Then you are a stunning father and your wife and children will continue to grow thanks to you.

[TimmyMallett]

Anyone with toddlers, I can recommend this




also....it does get a bit easier, between about 8 and teenage years and then it gets considerably worse

My 11 year old son yesterday announced that he had some great news - he had managed to work out the start up routine for an Airbus A380 on FlightSim.

Conversely my 14 years old daughter announced that she had cut her own fringe. And now regrets it.

Edited by TimmyMallett on Friday 3rd May 13:21

[Dissident Dragon]

v9 said:

I always have in the back of my mind the thought that for all these type of things there will be a ‘last time’ you ever do it. You probably won’t realise it’s the last time ever when it happens, you’ll just never do it again.

I'm the father of two girls now 26 and 22. Both completely different but fantastic individuals. One is now married and gone, the other touring the World between her degree and Masters. I'm closer to my eldest as I had to step in when my wife had severe post-natal depression. Whilst really happy for her when she moved away, this poem from Robin Ince (who we saw in Edinburgh days after she had left) really resonated:

you don’t need a storyteller now
your bedtime is autonomous
but still one snuggly hug
for safety from the sandman

is today the day
is this our final den?
we dragged the sticks
rolled the logs
made jokes of passing walkers
and their odd shaped dogs
you found our latest furniture
a worn and mossy tyre
I suddenly shouted out
“mind the barbed wire’
You nodded.
And Retreated.

Damp bummed we sat
and viewed our architectural feat
I phone filmed your pride
for the archives of things done
in the woodland adventures of the father and the son
some days, walking hand in hand
I secretly mourn for the days not yet gone
the days that seem like Shepard sketches in an AA Milne
when every beach is a post war postcard
the blue too blue in my recall
your freedom is necessity
but not yet
just wait a little bit
let’s pond dip for skaters with a net
build another sofa train
a kick around
a search for that errant lego piece
eventually found in foot.
Let’s read Peanuts at dusk
let’s dig and splash and play and mime laser deaths in outer space…
and then I’ll let you go
and kick the twigs alone
but let’s have one more day… just one more day

[CraigNewmarket]

RSbandit said:

CraigNewmarket said:

How old are yours?

Eldest is 8 and younger ones 5

Did things get better as they got older?

[RSbandit]

CraigNewmarket said:

Did things get better as they got older?

Yes mate it certainly does get better ….I found the biggest thing was getting them potty trained, not having to deal with nappies is nice…still the odd accident for a little while after but no biggie. They do get easier in general like sleeping through and also they become a little bit more independent. We went on their first proper ski trip over Easter and it was great fun even though at times they wrecked my head in the car given the length of the trip…swings and roundabouts !

[The Moose]

dukeboy749r said:

Moose - doing YOUR best is the only thing any of us can actually ever do.

We can lament/wish/cry/swear that things might/should be different, but they are what they are.

If you, no matter how tired, how stressed, how uninterested or self-absorbed (you may be feeling), turn up, day in, day out and do your best for your wife and children.

Then you are a stunning father and your wife and children will continue to grow thanks to you.

Thank you for your reply. Reading mine back this morning with fresh eyes, I didn't mean it to come across in exactly that way but I still appreciate your comments.

It was late at night when I wrote it and I couldn't sleep (ironically, not because of little ones - because I ate twice as much pizza for lunch as I should have done and it wasn't sitting great lying in bed!!).

[dukeboy749r]

The Moose said:

dukeboy749r said:

Moose - doing YOUR best is the only thing any of us can actually ever do.

We can lament/wish/cry/swear that things might/should be different, but they are what they are.

If you, no matter how tired, how stressed, how uninterested or self-absorbed (you may be feeling), turn up, day in, day out and do your best for your wife and children.

Then you are a stunning father and your wife and children will continue to grow thanks to you.

Thank you for your reply. Reading mine back this morning with fresh eyes, I didn't mean it to come across in exactly that way but I still appreciate your comments.

It was late at night when I wrote it and I couldn't sleep (ironically, not because of little ones - because I ate twice as much pizza for lunch as I should have done and it wasn't sitting great lying in bed!!).

[Pit Pony]

Mark_S1000RR_2010 said:

I never intended to have children or even gave the subject any thought until my girlfriend one day turned round and told me she was pregnant. I was 37, she was 35, and up to that point we’d been perfectly happy together and genuinely had never even raised the subject of kids.

The key thing was, we’d been together for 9 years at that point and had been through good times/bad times together - the “love’s young dream” thing didn’t apply and we had kind of done the whole weekend-mini-break thing to death. We knew each other and were comfortable in a true domestic sense.

Even with that background, having kids was an absolute assault on every aspect of our lives. There were tough times, 100%, and there’s things I’d definitely do differently, but my children have provided me with a contentment and a happiness that is literally irreplaceable. I’d give a kidney to each of them, without a moment’s thought. They are my best friends, my world, and I’d hate to think I’d have gone through life without knowing them.

There’s a lot of unhappiness and resentment in this thread, which is fair enough, but for me it has been the greatest gift I’ve ever had. Not one regret.

I'm.not a medical man, but I think giving each one, half a kidney would be safer for you.

My wife and I are going on a beach holiday tomorrow. No kids to pay for, as they grew up and left home.
We realised that this is the first time we've been abroad together alone on a week's holiday. Our honeymoon was in the UK in March in Devon, 34 years ago. Before we had kids we could afford to go camping in Cornwall or Pembrokeshire. Last year we went to the Isle of Arran...I honest tried to swim in the sea but it was too cold.

We've been away together for 2 or 3 days for city breaks, but not 8 days near a beach.

[The Moose]

Pit Pony said:

My wife and I are going on a beach holiday tomorrow. No kids to pay for, as they grew up and left home.
We realised that this is the first time we've been abroad together alone on a week's holiday. Our honeymoon was in the UK in March in Devon, 34 years ago. Before we had kids we could afford to go camping in Cornwall or Pembrokeshire. Last year we went to the Isle of Arran...I honest tried to swim in the sea but it was too cold.

We've been away together for 2 or 3 days for city breaks, but not 8 days near a beach.

Bow chicka wow wow