Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 11)
Discussion
Three keen golfers agree to play a few rounds on Christmas Day. Come the day, they're standing on the first tee in the rain, two of them soaked through, the third dry under his umbrella.
"You know", said one, "I had to buy the wife a diamond bracelet to get approval for this".
"That's nothing", said the second, "I had to buy the wife a new sports car".
The golfer with the umbrella says, "I woke up at four o'clock this morning, slapped the wife on the arse, and said "well, it's either golf or a shag", and she said "take your umbrella, it looks like rain"".
"You know", said one, "I had to buy the wife a diamond bracelet to get approval for this".
"That's nothing", said the second, "I had to buy the wife a new sports car".
The golfer with the umbrella says, "I woke up at four o'clock this morning, slapped the wife on the arse, and said "well, it's either golf or a shag", and she said "take your umbrella, it looks like rain"".
“Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old.
"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"
"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "80 is the worst age of all!"
"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.
"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."
"Do you have trouble crapping?" asked the 70-year-old.
"No, I crap every morning at 6:30."
With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00”
"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"
"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "80 is the worst age of all!"
"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.
"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."
"Do you have trouble crapping?" asked the 70-year-old.
"No, I crap every morning at 6:30."
With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00”
So I went to this Eskimo restaurant.
I asked to see the menu.
The waiter said "we don't have a lot of options, so I'll just call them out to you"
"We have Whale Meat steaks,”
“Whale Meat Curry,”
“Whale Meat stir-fry”
“and of course we have the Vera Lynn"
I said "what's the Vera Lynn?"
He said "Whale Meat again"
I asked to see the menu.
The waiter said "we don't have a lot of options, so I'll just call them out to you"
"We have Whale Meat steaks,”
“Whale Meat Curry,”
“Whale Meat stir-fry”
“and of course we have the Vera Lynn"
I said "what's the Vera Lynn?"
He said "Whale Meat again"
A group of chaps, all aged 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts & wore mini skirts.
Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the food and service was good and the beer was excellent.
Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they could dine in peace and quiet and it was good value for money.
Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a lift for the disabled..
Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they had never been there before.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts & wore mini skirts.
Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the food and service was good and the beer was excellent.
Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they could dine in peace and quiet and it was good value for money.
Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a lift for the disabled..
Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they had never been there before.
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