Cracking retorts...
Discussion
Certainly not cracking, debatable if they were even funny, but just a couple that I recall ad libbing when I was driving a black cab in London;
Once, taking a guy to the H.Q. of the Football Association when it was in Soho Sq., also when Soho Sq. was two way.
I approached from Carlisle St., the F.A. was straight across on the other side of the square, I could turn right or left, go around the square and drop him off.
I opted for left, as then he'd get out on the left of the taxi, there couldn't have been one metre in the difference between going left or right.
As I headed toward the French Protestant Church building, he said, "This is a funny way to go", I replied, "Then why aren't you laughing?"
Another one was before the no smoking law came in, and strictly speaking I could not legally object to anyone smoking in my taxi, but I didn't like smoking, and I wouldn't have it at any price.
I was on the rank at Paddington station, and two well dressed American guys, mid thirties, approached me, one with a fat cigar in his hand, they asked for The Hilton, Park Lane.
I said, "I'll take you anywhere you want to go, but I want you to put the cigar out."
The one without the cigar said, "Do you know who you're talking to?" I didn't, and I still don't, but the words just came to me, "You may be big wheels in Bumf**k, Iowa, but over here pal, you're just two asses on my back seat."
They went to the next taxi on the rank, and I took a little old Welsh lady to John Lewis in Cavendish Square.
Once, taking a guy to the H.Q. of the Football Association when it was in Soho Sq., also when Soho Sq. was two way.
I approached from Carlisle St., the F.A. was straight across on the other side of the square, I could turn right or left, go around the square and drop him off.
I opted for left, as then he'd get out on the left of the taxi, there couldn't have been one metre in the difference between going left or right.
As I headed toward the French Protestant Church building, he said, "This is a funny way to go", I replied, "Then why aren't you laughing?"
Another one was before the no smoking law came in, and strictly speaking I could not legally object to anyone smoking in my taxi, but I didn't like smoking, and I wouldn't have it at any price.
I was on the rank at Paddington station, and two well dressed American guys, mid thirties, approached me, one with a fat cigar in his hand, they asked for The Hilton, Park Lane.
I said, "I'll take you anywhere you want to go, but I want you to put the cigar out."
The one without the cigar said, "Do you know who you're talking to?" I didn't, and I still don't, but the words just came to me, "You may be big wheels in Bumf**k, Iowa, but over here pal, you're just two asses on my back seat."
They went to the next taxi on the rank, and I took a little old Welsh lady to John Lewis in Cavendish Square.
Four of us sat in the canteen at work eating dinner, one of which is the angriest man on earth. Were all finishing up and one of mates said "anyone getting a pudding?"
Angry man says " No, I don't like them!"
Mate replies instantly " How d'you get that shape then?"
Angry man does a double take, goes red fit to burst then literally was lost for words luckily while were in tears .
Good job as he was notorious for losing it in a big way.
Angry man says " No, I don't like them!"
Mate replies instantly " How d'you get that shape then?"
Angry man does a double take, goes red fit to burst then literally was lost for words luckily while were in tears .
Good job as he was notorious for losing it in a big way.
Not my own but did use it the other day when a pal and i were talking and got interrupted by a rather insistent individual
who couldnt catch on he easnt needed with us.
So i turned to him and said
'My people skills are fine but my tolerance level dealing with idiots needs improving... Please f
k off'
who couldnt catch on he easnt needed with us.
So i turned to him and said
'My people skills are fine but my tolerance level dealing with idiots needs improving... Please f
k off'A colleague of mine turned up at a social event with a girlfriend who was (for him) surprisingly glamourous. A female colleague who clearly fancied herself as a femme fatale said to him 'aren't you computer geeks supposed to go for frumpy dowdy girls with no dress sense?' He replied straight away 'so what are you doing tonight'?
TheLuke said:
80quattro said:
A good one I heard recently was in the context of someone trying to get an idea across to someone, with little success. He said 'I would explain in more detail, but I have neither the time or the crayons'.
One of my favourite's this.When dealing with annoying people in the past I have used similar often saying, "If you carry on like this, tomorrow I will let you try colouring between the lines and then maybe you could move on to some joined up writing."
Vocal Minority said:
80quattro said:
A good one I heard recently was in the context of someone trying to get an idea across to someone, with little success. He said 'I would explain in more detail, but I have neither the time or the crayons'.
Aaaaaaand stolen
A few years ago I said to my now former boss, "I can explain it to you, but I cannot understand it for you."
She was a thicko. Lasted 1 year as my boss. Longest 12 months I've ever had!
Apparently Noel Gallagher once said of Liam.
'He's a man with a fork in a world of soup'.
A guy at work came out with a good one when it transpired that although he'd fixed an urgent problem successfully, he'd done it in a rather dangerous fashion which broke a few rules.
'But at my last appraisal I was told to show more initiative, and that was initiative'
'We certainly didn't tell you to start hacking live data.'
(After a moments thought)
'If you had told me to, it wouldn't be initiative'.
'He's a man with a fork in a world of soup'.
A guy at work came out with a good one when it transpired that although he'd fixed an urgent problem successfully, he'd done it in a rather dangerous fashion which broke a few rules.
'But at my last appraisal I was told to show more initiative, and that was initiative'
'We certainly didn't tell you to start hacking live data.'
(After a moments thought)
'If you had told me to, it wouldn't be initiative'.
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