Cracking retorts...
Discussion
Donna Mcphail recounts a story about coming out on stage at a Cabaret Club somewhere and a bloke right at the side of the stage, at about groin height looks up at her before she can get a word out and says 'I can smell your 
'
She completely corpsed as she had no answer whatsoever and had to leave the stage.
' She completely corpsed as she had no answer whatsoever and had to leave the stage.
TonyHetherington said:
LGF - I saw on Green Wing (the hospital comedy series on channel 4) the most PERFECT sentence for you to say to that guy....
...when he's chattering on about being all cool-on-coke, say to him "oh actually, hang on, can I just stop you there a sec..." (as though you're just about to add to the stimulating debate)....
.....and get up and walk off. Genius
...when he's chattering on about being all cool-on-coke, say to him "oh actually, hang on, can I just stop you there a sec..." (as though you're just about to add to the stimulating debate)....
.....and get up and walk off. Genius
similar version that I heard.
Two old boys in a gentlemens club, one is rattling on, second puts up his hand and calls over the waiter. "Would you be a good chap and listen to the end of this mans story?" promptly gets up and leaves.
satch said:
I like to use
"these aren't the droids you're looking for" when someone is being particularly stupid.
and when someone says "don;t patronise me"
just reply with "are you sure patronise is the word you mean?"
lights blue touch paper that one.....
"these aren't the droids you're looking for" when someone is being particularly stupid.
and when someone says "don;t patronise me"
just reply with "are you sure patronise is the word you mean?"
lights blue touch paper that one.....
Do you know what patronising means love?
I thought I'd resurrect this old favourite.
Today at work, my idiot boss made a big deal out of loudly announcing to the whole office that his wife is finally pregnant (after about six years of doubtless very poor sweaty grunting and heaving.)
He got everyone together in one area and said, "I've got an announcement to make. I am going to be Dad!"
From the back came a female voice, with the deadpan retort "That's good Dave, I didn't know you got your milk delivered."
Genius.
Vesuvius 996 said:
I thought I'd resurrect this old favourite.
Today at work, my idiot boss made a big deal out of loudly announcing to the whole office that his wife is finally pregnant (after about six years of doubtless very poor sweaty grunting and heaving.)
He got everyone together in one area and said, "I've got an announcement to make. I am going to be Dad!"
From the back came a female voice, with the deadpan retort "That's good Dave, I didn't know you got your milk delivered."
Genius.
Awesome. Thankfully the schoolyard taunt of 'I know you are, you said you are' stopped a long time ago.Today at work, my idiot boss made a big deal out of loudly announcing to the whole office that his wife is finally pregnant (after about six years of doubtless very poor sweaty grunting and heaving.)
He got everyone together in one area and said, "I've got an announcement to make. I am going to be Dad!"
From the back came a female voice, with the deadpan retort "That's good Dave, I didn't know you got your milk delivered."
Genius.
My favourite has to be something along the lines of - "you can't help it. You are just a female, after all". Said with a sly wink and a slap on the arse.... (Yeah, right!)
A mates father:
In a city pub on a works do, looking a bit out of place when approached by a p****d up chav, who pushes him out of the way to get to the bar. When challenged the chav said "are you gay?"
Reply from mates dad " no, sorry, can't help you there"
and a classic I heard from some course somewhere:
the office dickhead comes in, in the morning, making a big fuss:
"might be a bit slow today - been up having sex all night"
Office manager replys "never mind, just write left handed today"
In a city pub on a works do, looking a bit out of place when approached by a p****d up chav, who pushes him out of the way to get to the bar. When challenged the chav said "are you gay?"
Reply from mates dad " no, sorry, can't help you there"
and a classic I heard from some course somewhere:
the office dickhead comes in, in the morning, making a big fuss:
"might be a bit slow today - been up having sex all night"
Office manager replys "never mind, just write left handed today"
Two from a former colleague:
"Chris, why are there no women on the board?"
"Coz, there's only so many good jobs we can give to the blokes."
And my favourite was when the MD was about to go to Heathrow to collect a very valuable prospective German Client. Typically, he wasn't organised enough to get one of those name boards made up:
MD: "So how am I going to know who he is?"
Chris: "Just shout "Achtung, Spitfire!" and introduce yourself to anyone who hits the deck"
"Chris, why are there no women on the board?"
"Coz, there's only so many good jobs we can give to the blokes."
And my favourite was when the MD was about to go to Heathrow to collect a very valuable prospective German Client. Typically, he wasn't organised enough to get one of those name boards made up:
MD: "So how am I going to know who he is?"
Chris: "Just shout "Achtung, Spitfire!" and introduce yourself to anyone who hits the deck"
I was walking along with a couple of mates between pubs (as you do) a couple of months back and 5 or 6 chav kids/teenagers on bikes "buzzed" us and one shouts "you fat fukkers" as he passed.
I'd had a couple of shandies by then and just shouted back without think "yeah, well you're stupid and ugly and at least I can lose weight, you'll alwys be like that."
Cue round of applause from a group of people outside the pub we were passing and my mates looking at me in disbelief (I did shout it rather loudly)
I'd had a couple of shandies by then and just shouted back without think "yeah, well you're stupid and ugly and at least I can lose weight, you'll alwys be like that."
Cue round of applause from a group of people outside the pub we were passing and my mates looking at me in disbelief (I did shout it rather loudly)
"I applaud not only the humour but the originality of your joke" as a response to obvious jokes
My favourite celeb one was the one where the character who plays Harold Bishop was asked "Why are you so fat Harold?" at an autograph signing. He replied: "Coz everytime I feck your mum she gives me a cake!"
And one from one of my wafu (naval aircrew)comrades:
Her: "So what do you actually do in the Navy?"
Him, trying to pull: "I'm a naval aviator" in his best Tom Cruise
Her: "What, so you fly around belly buttons all day?"
Him - departs scene...
My favourite celeb one was the one where the character who plays Harold Bishop was asked "Why are you so fat Harold?" at an autograph signing. He replied: "Coz everytime I feck your mum she gives me a cake!"
And one from one of my wafu (naval aircrew)comrades:
Her: "So what do you actually do in the Navy?"
Him, trying to pull: "I'm a naval aviator" in his best Tom Cruise
Her: "What, so you fly around belly buttons all day?"
Him - departs scene...
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