The autism thread

So things have moved forward somewhat...September 2024 he had been offered a place at the SEN school my partner wants him to go to. She is over the moon. She was worried that he would be going as a badly behaved kid, as the current school have tried to inply in the past it's behavioural rather than anything Autism related. But it isn't. He will be getting the support he needs for his Autism. Hopefully this will speed the process of the diagnosis up as well.

His current head teacher is applying for full funding for a TA until the end of the school year, as currently he only had funding for two terms for one (but they've not got anyone yet...).

Been following this thread with interest and many, many posts resonate. I’ve always struggled socially and have had periods of depression and more recently, anxiety, at being ‘forced’ to do things either at work or outside that I just can’t bloomin’ do.

So at the ripe age of 43 and taking inspiration from this thread I thought I’d make a start on investigating a formal diagnosis. I don’t think a diagnosis will drastically change my life but I would like to use it as a stepping stone to access support, find a community (online most likely, can’t do face to face ) and maybe even raise with my employer to see if they will possibly make small accommodations.

Started with the RAADs-R test which I think was linked in this thread and answered as honestly as I could. Result was 172. I then got in touch with my GP and have a questionnaire - autism spectrum quotient (aq50) - to complete which has similar stuff to the RAADS.

The receptionist did give me a heads up that the initial assessment would take six months and then a referral 3-5 years. But hey, it’s a start

I have a friend ( female, 43 ) who was confirmed as autistic a couple of years ago. We were close, she described me as her best friend during covid when I kept in touch. I live at the other end of the country, but have lodged at hers when working in the south.

I fell ill about 18 months ago with stomach ulcers, h pylori, and things I can't pronounce, and was unable to visit much. She's a doctor. She was initially helpful, even contacting my Dr. to point out something that they intended to do as a procedure, may be risking my life ( correctly as it turned out ) but fell out with me because I couldn't be there for several months, going as far as to say that I had broken her trust, although we have sporadically kept in touch. I'm sorry to say that I believe the reason I became ill was because of stress related to being her friend.

I was local to her this past weekend and offered to visit. I had mentioned about two weeks ago that I would be in the area and had suggested meeting up. She declined, and unbeknown to her, I know she has lied to me to avoid seeing me. I have witnessed her lie to others, although she has expressed remorse for doing so. She has professed in no uncertain terms that she detests people lying to her, and says that because she's autistic, is personally unable to lie to anyone herself. This in itself is a lie. In the past I've gone out of my way to provide as much care and friendship as was possible in the circumstances. I didn't see it coming, but it's no exaggeration to say I'm deeply hurt by her recent behaviour towards me, and am now struggling to respond to a recent text that is not only deceitful ( connected to her reasons for avoiding me, too many coincidences to be true ), but also has blatant lies in it that are just too easy to disprove. The text ended with her asking me for a favour to do with signing a petition against local gravel pits.

I don't want to confront her with any of this. She's easily hurt, and suffers with abandonment issues. She makes friends, who come to realise she is difficult, and fade away. I don't want to add to that list. However, I feel like I'm being made a fool of. I know there are autistics on this thread. I want to give her the benefit of any doubts I have, so can someone who can see the other side of what's going on here from what I've said give me some insight? I can't respond to her last text as things stand, I simply don't think I can, without being more direct, and therefore hurtful, than I should be as things stand. And I just don't want to do that to her.

It's no exaggeration to say I'm deeply affected by the loss of what was a great friendship. If I had my way we would still talk every day, but I feel awkward initiating contact now and when she does, she does so in a manner that doesn't encourage conversation. This all comes at a time when I have recently lost my oldest school friend to an early heart attack and am facing up to the gradual demise of my 15 year old dog who is the apple of my eye.
The potential loss of this friendship has left me pretty bereft. The strange thing is though, she hasn't blocked me, nor has she taken me off her phone location services ( she also has mine, we did this years ago ). Do I just let things carry on as they are, do I address it directly, do I block and delete. For my own sake, it's the latter, but it feels a brutal thing to do to a vulnerable person.

I can't answer for your friend so I'm only offering possibilities.

I don't like lying. I enjoy a good ridiculous fib, but in the storytelling sense where its understood by all that it's made up for entertainment purposes. Lying with the intent to deceive is quite different.

That doesn't mean I don't do it, but for me it's a defensive thing, for example when (and I am not suggesting you are doing this, just giving an example) someone has asked me to do something, I've tried to politely wriggle out, and they keep pushing it. It gets tricky to balance the people-pleasing side of masking (because a lot of NT people aren't nice to autistic people) with not getting pushed into something I don't want to do. If they won't stop pushing, and I cant exit the situation, I will lie - but it is very uncomfortable. Before it gets to that point I'll usually have enlisted an ally to help me get out.

It is possible - again, I'm not inside her head - that she's trapped between feeling that you abandoned her (rightly or wrongly - I mean no judgement in either direction), but is also trying to avoid confrontation. This could be a clumsy and ineffective approach to avoiding direct contact without completely cutting you off.

I don't have any suggestions for improving the relationship at the moment, but I'll think on it. I know I've cut people off or held them at arm's length when I've not been able to face them directly - and they've not necessarily even done anything wrong, they may just be too loud/intense for me. I don't want to be rude to the or upset them, but equally I can't take the battering that meeting in person involves.

All just intended as possibilities, as I say. For reference I was diagnosed at 47, knew for a year or so before. I don't regard having a formal diagnosis as important, unless it's important to that person. Self diagnosis is entirely valid.

Ramble over.

I also don't generally lie but I can. Like Sporky I would do it to avoid someone or something in a defensive way rather than a deceitful one.

Its quite a tricky situation and it would almost be better if she had just cut you off completely as at least you would know where you stand.

I would say that females in the Autistic spectrum tend to have struggled with relationships (of all types) and as such have a generally negative model of other people’s behavior/motives.

This creates insecure attachment - either avoidant or, combined with negative feelings towards themselves, fearful.

E.g- Relationships are harmful, people cannot be trusted, I must be hyper vigilant for the signs and remove myself from people who would do me harm.

Ergo things you see as small are magnified through that lens. Direct lies may not have been required, merely acting with unclear intentions. It’s more about a bad ‘feeling’ than facts.

My only advice would be to explain yourself in writing. Conversations with an autistic person are not linear when feelings are triggered. A letter enables your pov to remain intact even if it takes a while for them to be in the headspace to read it.

Doesn’t mean you’ll get the outcome you’re hoping for, and she will still be dubious of your intentions, but ime reaching out to someone with autism and showing understanding / care goes a very long way.

Again, thanks for all the replies. There's a lot to think about, and as an NT, I'm aware that I'm coming at this from a completely different perspective to hers. Knowing that doesn't necessarily help me to know where to go with it next, but, as I suspected when I asked the question, I've gained information that I didn't have previously and that's got to help.

It's the most troubling friendship I've ever had, I wish I had the know how to do what's best. For her sake, not mine. I'm resigned to feeling bad about things, but I'm trying to avoid any outcome having the same effect on her.

I would offer a counter of not necessarily, you just need to think about it a little more deliberately, because a lot of your intuitive 'reads' will be based on NT behaviours, whereas in my experience your NT intuitions actually cloud the matter, and a more literal interpretation is often more accurate.

We are very used to NT people playing games, having a hidden agenda, being manipulative (not necessarily as a negative, it's just the nuance of human social interaction) that our intuition is calibrated to this, and so it may well be that you are reading far more complicated meaning in to things than something that could have been meant very literally.

Take for example "when you weren't available for months, you betrayed my trust".

You may interpret that as meaning "I can't believe you did that, you have to make up for that, I will hold that against you and you should know that my trust is gone now and you'll be lucky to earn it back".

That isn't what was said though, you've applied a vast swathe of NT subtext that you do not know was intended. It's eminently possible that was just letting you know that during that time, it was upsetting because you were trusted to be available, end of. Have you discussed that period with her (frankly, not with subtle implied meanings and grey areas etc.) so you both fully understand where you stand?

Imagine how frustrating it is to explain something very plainly, and then have the recipient infer some vast array of other negative meanings that you did not intend, and then hold you accountable for those meanings that THEY inferred and which you did not say or mean.

Absolutely this. It's like explaining a colour to a blind person who has never had sight.

Fair points but I have only really told close family so far and their response has been a bit disappointing. My sister has been pretty good to be fair but she will occasionally speak to me like I am a bit simple now. I tried to explain to my brother how my thought process is different to his for him to tell me I am wrong. At the weekend I told him that I had never been a relationship before and he said that I am not that autistic.