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Council Baby
16,127 posts
59 months
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Just checking if I can now post on this one 
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snowy slopes
27,616 posts
56 months
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Council Baby said: Just checking if I can now post on this one It seems so, what did that cost you last night?? 
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Council Baby
16,127 posts
59 months
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snowy slopes said: It seems so, what did that cost you last night?? I'd say 'my dignity' but TR knew I had none when we started anyway 
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snowy slopes
27,616 posts
56 months
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Council Baby said: snowy slopes said: It seems so, what did that cost you last night?? I'd say 'my dignity' but TR knew I had none when we started anyway
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trv8
289 posts
76 months
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JonRB said: Reminds me of another beer-related joke.
Rosemary West is released on parole and goes into her local and the barman says "Rosemary! So great to see you. Can I get you a glass of wine perhaps?"
"No", she replies, "but I could murder some Tennents" And me..... Princess Diana walks up to the bar and asks the barman for a glass of Stella. Barman said "Sorry the Stella's off, will Carling do"!
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Sam the Mut
773 posts
45 months
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I would never go bungee jumping, a broken rubber brought me into this world and it's not going to take me out! My wife has suggested that we do something Christmassy this afternoon to get into the festive spirit. I'm going to get drunk and start an argument. My son asked me today, "Dad, what music did you like growing up?" "Led Zeppelin," I replied. "Who?" he said. "Yeah, I liked them too." When I had the car crash on the motorway, my first thought was for the kids in the back. If the Police find them, I'm f  ked. I love this time of year. You can slam your laptop shut when your girlfriend walks into the room and you don't get any disgusted looks.
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HOGEPH
3,215 posts
55 months
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WestYorkie said: Urgent advice to ginger women........ Don't have a brazilian... It will look like a fish finger!! It'll smell like one too!
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Jonboy_t
2,538 posts
52 months
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My self confidence is at an all time low at the moment. I was tempted to post 'Your Life' as a joke on here just so the mods would delete it and email me saying 'your life is not a joke'.
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HenryApples
2 posts
20 months
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My wife just caught me in bed with Fatima Whitbread.
"It's not what it looks like," I pleaded.
"Well, what is it then?" she asked with a puzzled look on her face.
"A woman," I replied.
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IrrElephant
5,723 posts
29 months
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My girlfriend's dad really hates me, and when I was last over at her house, he kept getting me to do favours for him. "Go get us a beer would you, son? Oh and while you're at it, you couldn't make me a sandwich could you?" When I returned, he had a smug grin on his face and sarcastically said, "I'm not being a pain in the arse am I?" "Don't worry about it," I replied, "I'm often a pain in your daughter's arse."
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JonRB
39,545 posts
141 months
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A ventriloquist is on stage; he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde shouts: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes! What does the colour of a persons hair have to do with their worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep woman like me from being respected!" The red-faced ventriloquist begins to apologise, but the blonde shouts, "you stay out of this - I'm talking to that little w ker on your knee!"
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EarlOfHazard
714 posts
27 months
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JonRB
39,545 posts
141 months
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Leptons
1,766 posts
45 months
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SC7 said: A bloke walks into a pub and orders a pint of Whitbread, before nipping to the gents'.
The barmaid places his pint on the bar, and out of nowhere a muscular black woman appears, hops up onto a bar stool, straddles his glass and trumps right into the ale.
The bloke returns from the toilet, picks up his pint, goes to take a sip and immediately wretches and heaves.
He looks around, wiping his mouth and spots the athletic black woman looking guilty at the other end of the bar.
"Oi," he shouts angrily, "You fart in my Whitbread?!"
"No," she replies, "I'm Tessa Sanderson." 
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Jon C
3,106 posts
116 months
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trv8 said: JonRB said: Reminds me of another beer-related joke.
Rosemary West is released on parole and goes into her local and the barman says "Rosemary! So great to see you. Can I get you a glass of wine perhaps?"
"No", she replies, "but I could murder some Tennents" And me..... Princess Diana walks up to the bar and asks the barman for a glass of Stella. Barman said "Sorry the Stella's off, will Carling do"! And me..... Man walks into a bar and says 'Can I have a Colt 45?' 'Sorry Sir,' comes the reply, 'We have sold out' 'OK, no problem, can I have a Luger and Lime instead?'
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Evangelion
2,577 posts
47 months
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I've just been sacked from The Salvation Army soup kitchen. Uncharitable sods. All I said was "Hurry up, some of us have got homes to go to."
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Blatter
281 posts
60 months
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HOGEPH said: WestYorkie said: Urgent advice to ginger women........ Don't have a brazilian... It will look like a fish finger!! It'll smell like one too!
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Laurel Green
14,896 posts
101 months
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A new family have moved in next to me. They have three little kids and they've challenged me to a water fight in the back yard, so I'm just writing to you while I'm waiting for the kettle to boil.
I'm sick to death of people knocking on my door looking for donations. Just had one from the sperm bank. Boy, did I give her a mouthful.
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Laurel Green
14,896 posts
101 months
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Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the Doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.
Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex.
Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.
About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, 'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?'
Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.
Later, as Morris gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.
He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, 'Honey, please... just one more time before I die.'
She says, 'Of course, Dear,' and they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.
Morris, however, worried about his impending death,tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours.
He taps his wife, who rouses. 'Honey, I have only 4 more hours....
Do you think we could...'
At this point the wife sits up and says, 'Listen Morris, enough is enough I have to get up in the morning... you don't.'
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LeeThr
2,343 posts
40 months
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Volume 6? What a joke we should be on volume 7 by now.
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