The autism thread
Discussion
If you've an autistic kid in your life (parent, carer, relative), can’t recommend this book enough. Not many books as entertaining and heartwarming as this, let alone as useful...
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Fifteen-Things-Forgot-Abo...
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Fifteen-Things-Forgot-Abo...
WhereDoWeGoFromHere said:
I'll hit 50 this year, and was only diagnosed with Aspergers a couple of months ago. Looking back, it's had a significant effect on some parts of my life, and perhaps things would have been different if I'd been diagnosed as a child.
For one thing, I avoided university because I saw that as a massively social activity and it was absolutely something I did not want - it terrified me. For most of my life that has made very little difference - I was fortunate to be able to enter the career I wanted at university age without a degree - however in recent years, I was considering a career change and found that this wasn't possible due to lack of degree.
I've also realised that I have organised my life to minimise any possible stress - which mostly means that I try to avoid situations that I can't control. I have never ever wanted children - and although I realise that plenty of NT people also don't want children (and plenty of people with Aspergers do), I have recently wondered how much of that is related to my condition. I have always seen them as a source of stress and expense, and something you cannot control - and offering no plus points in return. I am aware than parents would tell me that the big plus is the unconditional love etc. - that makes no sense to me, which I suspect is related to the emotional / empathic issues related to Aspergers.
I get unreasonably stressed about situations that I cannot control - specifically situations that could go "wrong". Trivial things like being asked to go and collect some furniture which I think may not fit in my car. The idea that I may get there and find it doesn't fit suddenly seems like an insurmountable problem.
"Routine" is a common Asperger thing, and it definitely affects me - even to the degree that if I agree with somebody that we are doing <x> one evening and then they announce that we are doing <y> I struggle. My head was already "set" that we had planned <x>.
I have been made aware that I am often completely unaware of how abnormal my behaviour is and really don't have a clue.
I tend to be very literal, and interpret things very literally which causes problems in relationships - my most recent g/f makes it very clear when I've got it wrong, but that still doesn't make it any easier to avoid.
The "label" thing is interesting - although I was aware that some aspects of my personality were unusual, I didn't realise just how unusual it was - particularly in anything related to social activities, or trying to avoid them in the first place. Although I was encouraged to get the diagnosis (from a g/f, and an ex who agreed wholeheartedly when I mentioned it to her) I thought I would barely be on the spectrum - if at all. I was a tad surprised that for one of the tests, a score of under 30 meant you registered on the spectrum - and I scored 11.
At the moment, I regret getting the diagnosis. Lots of people say that it's a good thing because now I can get treatment (most seem to mention CBT) but actually getting anything seems surprisingly difficult. I do have a post diagnosis course that starts in Feb (4 x 2 hour sessions) - but that is a group course covering autism in general. Group courses for Aspergers suffers doesn't seem the best plan, but the diagnostic report seems to suggest that this course is the first step in getting some one-to-one treatment that is more specific. If nothing comes from that, I'll go back to the doctor.
The diagnosis has simply made me feel broken. Until I see personal evidence to the contrary, I doubt that treatment will make that much difference - I get the impression that it "teaches you to cope" with situations (there is no cure after all). But to me, that isn't a solution - I lead a fairly solitary life and I can make it more so - which means I don't need to learn to cope with those situations because I can simply avoid them altogether 99% of the time.
From a relationship point of view, I now feel that if I meet somebody new I am lying to them by not declaring my condition.
Although there were aspects of my personality that I knew were unusual - and some I didn't like that much - I did like myself. Being diagnosed has somehow made me doubt everything and has been a very very negative thing for my mental health so far.
Having said all that - I think it's definitely worth getting your son diagnosed if you suspect he's on the spectrum. Knowing this from an early age, and learning to cope with difficult situations will probably make his life easier, and will mean that he can make informed decisions about things that really can affect the rest of your life. Even if he's diagnosed, it's his choice to tell people - I still haven't decided whether to tell my employer - I do find my current work environment causes me more stress than I expect, and occasionally work from home. If I was to declare my condition, it would allow me to work from home far more often than I currently do.
Compared to other forms of Autism, Aspergers doesn't seem so bad. Many people with it are high functioning, intelligent, get decent jobs etc. But it can still make life surprisingly difficult.
I don't have a diagnosis, but other than me being almost 36 and female, your post could basically describe me. Uncanny.For one thing, I avoided university because I saw that as a massively social activity and it was absolutely something I did not want - it terrified me. For most of my life that has made very little difference - I was fortunate to be able to enter the career I wanted at university age without a degree - however in recent years, I was considering a career change and found that this wasn't possible due to lack of degree.
I've also realised that I have organised my life to minimise any possible stress - which mostly means that I try to avoid situations that I can't control. I have never ever wanted children - and although I realise that plenty of NT people also don't want children (and plenty of people with Aspergers do), I have recently wondered how much of that is related to my condition. I have always seen them as a source of stress and expense, and something you cannot control - and offering no plus points in return. I am aware than parents would tell me that the big plus is the unconditional love etc. - that makes no sense to me, which I suspect is related to the emotional / empathic issues related to Aspergers.
I get unreasonably stressed about situations that I cannot control - specifically situations that could go "wrong". Trivial things like being asked to go and collect some furniture which I think may not fit in my car. The idea that I may get there and find it doesn't fit suddenly seems like an insurmountable problem.
"Routine" is a common Asperger thing, and it definitely affects me - even to the degree that if I agree with somebody that we are doing <x> one evening and then they announce that we are doing <y> I struggle. My head was already "set" that we had planned <x>.
I have been made aware that I am often completely unaware of how abnormal my behaviour is and really don't have a clue.
I tend to be very literal, and interpret things very literally which causes problems in relationships - my most recent g/f makes it very clear when I've got it wrong, but that still doesn't make it any easier to avoid.
The "label" thing is interesting - although I was aware that some aspects of my personality were unusual, I didn't realise just how unusual it was - particularly in anything related to social activities, or trying to avoid them in the first place. Although I was encouraged to get the diagnosis (from a g/f, and an ex who agreed wholeheartedly when I mentioned it to her) I thought I would barely be on the spectrum - if at all. I was a tad surprised that for one of the tests, a score of under 30 meant you registered on the spectrum - and I scored 11.
At the moment, I regret getting the diagnosis. Lots of people say that it's a good thing because now I can get treatment (most seem to mention CBT) but actually getting anything seems surprisingly difficult. I do have a post diagnosis course that starts in Feb (4 x 2 hour sessions) - but that is a group course covering autism in general. Group courses for Aspergers suffers doesn't seem the best plan, but the diagnostic report seems to suggest that this course is the first step in getting some one-to-one treatment that is more specific. If nothing comes from that, I'll go back to the doctor.
The diagnosis has simply made me feel broken. Until I see personal evidence to the contrary, I doubt that treatment will make that much difference - I get the impression that it "teaches you to cope" with situations (there is no cure after all). But to me, that isn't a solution - I lead a fairly solitary life and I can make it more so - which means I don't need to learn to cope with those situations because I can simply avoid them altogether 99% of the time.
From a relationship point of view, I now feel that if I meet somebody new I am lying to them by not declaring my condition.
Although there were aspects of my personality that I knew were unusual - and some I didn't like that much - I did like myself. Being diagnosed has somehow made me doubt everything and has been a very very negative thing for my mental health so far.
Having said all that - I think it's definitely worth getting your son diagnosed if you suspect he's on the spectrum. Knowing this from an early age, and learning to cope with difficult situations will probably make his life easier, and will mean that he can make informed decisions about things that really can affect the rest of your life. Even if he's diagnosed, it's his choice to tell people - I still haven't decided whether to tell my employer - I do find my current work environment causes me more stress than I expect, and occasionally work from home. If I was to declare my condition, it would allow me to work from home far more often than I currently do.
Compared to other forms of Autism, Aspergers doesn't seem so bad. Many people with it are high functioning, intelligent, get decent jobs etc. But it can still make life surprisingly difficult.
Quick update from me in case anyone has any advice.
Things have been pretty good since my last update and it's felt like we have been "accommodating" Victoria's autism pretty well. The meltdowns have been less frequent as we are learning to spot them before the develop and use diversion techniques to stop them occurring. Not all the time of course, but much more often.
So it was heart-wrenching to hear from my wife whilst at work the other day that Victoria had pushed her little sister out of her high chair.
In the past Victoria has lashed out. For example, her sister Emily might walk up to her for a cuddle and Victoria will push her away sometimes. I guess her space is being suddenly invaded and she reacts in the only way she knows. So again we've been getting better at spotting the signs and avoiding such situations. But this one could be predicted. Emily was put in her high chair and my wife walked the 4 paces to the kitchen side to fetch her lunch. In that time Victoria had gone up to Emily and pushed the whole high chair over! She was calm and fine just moments before so this was completely unprovoked as far as we can tell.
Just part of the daily struggle of a child with autism or something we could have avoided?
Things have been pretty good since my last update and it's felt like we have been "accommodating" Victoria's autism pretty well. The meltdowns have been less frequent as we are learning to spot them before the develop and use diversion techniques to stop them occurring. Not all the time of course, but much more often.
So it was heart-wrenching to hear from my wife whilst at work the other day that Victoria had pushed her little sister out of her high chair.
In the past Victoria has lashed out. For example, her sister Emily might walk up to her for a cuddle and Victoria will push her away sometimes. I guess her space is being suddenly invaded and she reacts in the only way she knows. So again we've been getting better at spotting the signs and avoiding such situations. But this one could be predicted. Emily was put in her high chair and my wife walked the 4 paces to the kitchen side to fetch her lunch. In that time Victoria had gone up to Emily and pushed the whole high chair over! She was calm and fine just moments before so this was completely unprovoked as far as we can tell.
Just part of the daily struggle of a child with autism or something we could have avoided?
sorry to hear that. re Emily make sure she signals these approaches, say the childs name so her attention is shifted, if necessary ask permission for a hug.
but that's not do-able for a young child, so not helpful for her, but is advice for other more grown up people.
but that's not do-able for a young child, so not helpful for her, but is advice for other more grown up people.
Edited by sparkyhx on Monday 25th February 20:45
wiggy001 said:
I'm sensing from the other recent thread about the rise in autism that there are a number of people here with experience of autism, and many more that would appreciate somewhere to discuss those experiences and ask questions. So rather than derail the other thread, I thought I'd create this one.
I have been meaning to post on here for a while but have not really known what to post. At just coming up to 32yo I am yet to have any experience as parent, so don't know what its like having 6yo daughter nor can really remember details of my upbringing at that age, so specifics to your day-to-day challenges might be harder. Plus every one on this planet is different and lumping any two people into the same pigeon hole to be avoided. However I do have a formal diagnoses of PDD-NOS, with footnotes of 'traits of aspergers' and have a few decades like experience of how it effected and effect me, and if any of that is of any use to anyone I would always do what I could to help.
My traits where picked up reasonably early and from what I know of it my parents did a reasonably competent job of allowing me grown up and find my own feet, while also developing a self awareness of the fact that others my well not see my actions as I saw them and visa versa. Through out my young life I had several trips to the speech therapist (seems oddly common route in) followed by trips to see a specialise, but never as such had any particularly awareness that there was anything odd about me, is was just 'we are going to have a chat with x about y' or and explanation that 'doing x, might be seen y, as z'. Even when I ended up doing high-school at a means tested special needs school the focus was very much on helping each person integrate and there where no labels attached at all. So rightly or wrongly I ended up growing up learning how to fit in with everyone else fit to bust, without realising it was much easier for almost all of my peers. I went back to mainstream education for a-levels and it was only then that I really gained an understanding of what I found different about the world and why, culminating in a fancy looking 20 page document about me, which freed up funding for a 1:1 tutor for my GCSE English resit, and some support at Uni. I made it out the end of a degree in mechanical engineering and have lead a reasonably normal career for the last ten years. Moved in with my partner of three years 9 months ago, and am still holding it together for now!
It doesn't overly surprise me that there is a high number of members who have some connection to someone with autism of some form or other, google suggests that something like 1 in 60 children autism spectrum disorder and it must be much higher in circles with an techy focus. As a design engineer I often see traits in colleagues, friends as well as my family. I have family members with various number of traits on both sides of my family (in hindsight) as does my partner, who is a psychiatrist and has opened my eyes to my own strengths weaknesses plenty and I am sure I have about her.
Girls represent less than 1/4 of all diagnoses, which may be because it's less common, but may well also be because we put a lot more pressure on girls to fit in socially and they just lean to mask it from a much earlier age!
Getting support for things that are difficult, talking about it, rather than bearing the whole load yourself has to be the way forwards and while its not the same as conventional face-to-face interaction there is certainly a place for the internet in there, if only aid to set up things in 'the real world' where if thing else you get a full picture of a person and how they are coping not just half a side of A4 of text tapped out in a lunch break. However I expect a lot of if it also working what works for you, for your family, for your children, because what works for one setup mostly like wont directly work in another.
I don't don't know if its even possible at six to to accurately determine where on which scale any person is, what their future is likely to be, nor do I really know how helpful that is. I've always been under the impression that because I almost pass for 'normal' on a good day my 'condition' must be really quite mild. But my understand now is that actuality I might be really fairly far down quite a lot of the scales, but that my significant awareness means I and really very good at masking, combined with my personality that I shouldn't use my diagnosis as an excuse. At times I come home from work, or a day socialising with people I don't know that well, and I am absolutely shattered on a scale I don't thing many would understand, which I now believe is me working flat out to do what comes naturally to others, sometimes I wonder how much that is a good thing, but certainly there is a time and a place where it as very handy.
I think it would be fair to say, perhaps an understatement, that I was hard work as a child. Mum went back basically full time as GP when I was born, while also managing the building of our house, living in a corner of the building site, and in doing so made herself quiet ill (and ironically, off work) for about three years with cfs, so well done for avoiding that! I can remember multiple battles won and lost, including being dragged kicking and screaming round the second half of a Sunday family walk with friends when I unilaterally decided I didn't want to walk any more, and having it clearly explained to me at what must have been 6-8 that you can hate even the most enjoyable day if you want to (or enjoy it, if you want to) as well as being picked up from school in disgrace a fair few times, having moved from the local huge primary to a much smaller over-flow primary which suited a lot better. However I also wired my parents garage with only limited input dad at something like 11yo and have an eye for detail and good engineering design that people seem to pay me good money for. I occasionally I will have a full scale almost dehabilitating melt-down the night before the plasterers are due that they might ruin our period Edwardian ceiling and that if they did life would not be worth living, which when my partners family is knee deep in dealing with her father having terminal cancer doesn't always go down super well, but also the plasters we found and spec'd did do an absolute boss job of one of the major feature of what is the focal room of the house and i enjoy looking at it every morning even with the rest of the room still a building site.
That must be two sides of A4 now, so I better stop, but I will follow this thread and add my thoughts and feelings as constructively as I can if you find any of it at all useful, and to be honest, probably carry on regardless even if you do not!
Hope the last month has been all right for you.
Cheers
Daniel
dhutch said:
I have been meaning to post on here for a while but have not really known what to post.
At just coming up to 32yo I am yet to have any experience as parent, so don't know what its like having 6yo daughter nor can really remember details of my upbringing at that age, so specifics to your day-to-day challenges might be harder. Plus every one on this planet is different and lumping any two people into the same pigeon hole to be avoided. However I do have a formal diagnoses of PDD-NOS, with footnotes of 'traits of aspergers' and have a few decades like experience of how it effected and effect me, and if any of that is of any use to anyone I would always do what I could to help.
My traits where picked up reasonably early and from what I know of it my parents did a reasonably competent job of allowing me grown up and find my own feet, while also developing a self awareness of the fact that others my well not see my actions as I saw them and visa versa. Through out my young life I had several trips to the speech therapist (seems oddly common route in) followed by trips to see a specialise, but never as such had any particularly awareness that there was anything odd about me, is was just 'we are going to have a chat with x about y' or and explanation that 'doing x, might be seen y, as z'. Even when I ended up doing high-school at a means tested special needs school the focus was very much on helping each person integrate and there where no labels attached at all. So rightly or wrongly I ended up growing up learning how to fit in with everyone else fit to bust, without realising it was much easier for almost all of my peers. I went back to mainstream education for a-levels and it was only then that I really gained an understanding of what I found different about the world and why, culminating in a fancy looking 20 page document about me, which freed up funding for a 1:1 tutor for my GCSE English resit, and some support at Uni. I made it out the end of a degree in mechanical engineering and have lead a reasonably normal career for the last ten years. Moved in with my partner of three years 9 months ago, and am still holding it together for now!
It doesn't overly surprise me that there is a high number of members who have some connection to someone with autism of some form or other, google suggests that something like 1 in 60 children autism spectrum disorder and it must be much higher in circles with an techy focus. As a design engineer I often see traits in colleagues, friends as well as my family. I have family members with various number of traits on both sides of my family (in hindsight) as does my partner, who is a psychiatrist and has opened my eyes to my own strengths weaknesses plenty and I am sure I have about her.
Girls represent less than 1/4 of all diagnoses, which may be because it's less common, but may well also be because we put a lot more pressure on girls to fit in socially and they just lean to mask it from a much earlier age!
Getting support for things that are difficult, talking about it, rather than bearing the whole load yourself has to be the way forwards and while its not the same as conventional face-to-face interaction there is certainly a place for the internet in there, if only aid to set up things in 'the real world' where if thing else you get a full picture of a person and how they are coping not just half a side of A4 of text tapped out in a lunch break. However I expect a lot of if it also working what works for you, for your family, for your children, because what works for one setup mostly like wont directly work in another.
I don't don't know if its even possible at six to to accurately determine where on which scale any person is, what their future is likely to be, nor do I really know how helpful that is. I've always been under the impression that because I almost pass for 'normal' on a good day my 'condition' must be really quite mild. But my understand now is that actuality I might be really fairly far down quite a lot of the scales, but that my significant awareness means I and really very good at masking, combined with my personality that I shouldn't use my diagnosis as an excuse. At times I come home from work, or a day socialising with people I don't know that well, and I am absolutely shattered on a scale I don't thing many would understand, which I now believe is me working flat out to do what comes naturally to others, sometimes I wonder how much that is a good thing, but certainly there is a time and a place where it as very handy.
I think it would be fair to say, perhaps an understatement, that I was hard work as a child. Mum went back basically full time as GP when I was born, while also managing the building of our house, living in a corner of the building site, and in doing so made herself quiet ill (and ironically, off work) for about three years with cfs, so well done for avoiding that! I can remember multiple battles won and lost, including being dragged kicking and screaming round the second half of a Sunday family walk with friends when I unilaterally decided I didn't want to walk any more, and having it clearly explained to me at what must have been 6-8 that you can hate even the most enjoyable day if you want to (or enjoy it, if you want to) as well as being picked up from school in disgrace a fair few times, having moved from the local huge primary to a much smaller over-flow primary which suited a lot better. However I also wired my parents garage with only limited input dad at something like 11yo and have an eye for detail and good engineering design that people seem to pay me good money for. I occasionally I will have a full scale almost dehabilitating melt-down the night before the plasterers are due that they might ruin our period Edwardian ceiling and that if they did life would not be worth living, which when my partners family is knee deep in dealing with her father having terminal cancer doesn't always go down super well, but also the plasters we found and spec'd did do an absolute boss job of one of the major feature of what is the focal room of the house and i enjoy looking at it every morning even with the rest of the room still a building site.
That must be two sides of A4 now, so I better stop, but I will follow this thread and add my thoughts and feelings as constructively as I can if you find any of it at all useful, and to be honest, probably carry on regardless even if you do not!
Hope the last month has been all right for you.
Cheers
Daniel
Wow !!At just coming up to 32yo I am yet to have any experience as parent, so don't know what its like having 6yo daughter nor can really remember details of my upbringing at that age, so specifics to your day-to-day challenges might be harder. Plus every one on this planet is different and lumping any two people into the same pigeon hole to be avoided. However I do have a formal diagnoses of PDD-NOS, with footnotes of 'traits of aspergers' and have a few decades like experience of how it effected and effect me, and if any of that is of any use to anyone I would always do what I could to help.
My traits where picked up reasonably early and from what I know of it my parents did a reasonably competent job of allowing me grown up and find my own feet, while also developing a self awareness of the fact that others my well not see my actions as I saw them and visa versa. Through out my young life I had several trips to the speech therapist (seems oddly common route in) followed by trips to see a specialise, but never as such had any particularly awareness that there was anything odd about me, is was just 'we are going to have a chat with x about y' or and explanation that 'doing x, might be seen y, as z'. Even when I ended up doing high-school at a means tested special needs school the focus was very much on helping each person integrate and there where no labels attached at all. So rightly or wrongly I ended up growing up learning how to fit in with everyone else fit to bust, without realising it was much easier for almost all of my peers. I went back to mainstream education for a-levels and it was only then that I really gained an understanding of what I found different about the world and why, culminating in a fancy looking 20 page document about me, which freed up funding for a 1:1 tutor for my GCSE English resit, and some support at Uni. I made it out the end of a degree in mechanical engineering and have lead a reasonably normal career for the last ten years. Moved in with my partner of three years 9 months ago, and am still holding it together for now!
It doesn't overly surprise me that there is a high number of members who have some connection to someone with autism of some form or other, google suggests that something like 1 in 60 children autism spectrum disorder and it must be much higher in circles with an techy focus. As a design engineer I often see traits in colleagues, friends as well as my family. I have family members with various number of traits on both sides of my family (in hindsight) as does my partner, who is a psychiatrist and has opened my eyes to my own strengths weaknesses plenty and I am sure I have about her.
Girls represent less than 1/4 of all diagnoses, which may be because it's less common, but may well also be because we put a lot more pressure on girls to fit in socially and they just lean to mask it from a much earlier age!
Getting support for things that are difficult, talking about it, rather than bearing the whole load yourself has to be the way forwards and while its not the same as conventional face-to-face interaction there is certainly a place for the internet in there, if only aid to set up things in 'the real world' where if thing else you get a full picture of a person and how they are coping not just half a side of A4 of text tapped out in a lunch break. However I expect a lot of if it also working what works for you, for your family, for your children, because what works for one setup mostly like wont directly work in another.
I don't don't know if its even possible at six to to accurately determine where on which scale any person is, what their future is likely to be, nor do I really know how helpful that is. I've always been under the impression that because I almost pass for 'normal' on a good day my 'condition' must be really quite mild. But my understand now is that actuality I might be really fairly far down quite a lot of the scales, but that my significant awareness means I and really very good at masking, combined with my personality that I shouldn't use my diagnosis as an excuse. At times I come home from work, or a day socialising with people I don't know that well, and I am absolutely shattered on a scale I don't thing many would understand, which I now believe is me working flat out to do what comes naturally to others, sometimes I wonder how much that is a good thing, but certainly there is a time and a place where it as very handy.
I think it would be fair to say, perhaps an understatement, that I was hard work as a child. Mum went back basically full time as GP when I was born, while also managing the building of our house, living in a corner of the building site, and in doing so made herself quiet ill (and ironically, off work) for about three years with cfs, so well done for avoiding that! I can remember multiple battles won and lost, including being dragged kicking and screaming round the second half of a Sunday family walk with friends when I unilaterally decided I didn't want to walk any more, and having it clearly explained to me at what must have been 6-8 that you can hate even the most enjoyable day if you want to (or enjoy it, if you want to) as well as being picked up from school in disgrace a fair few times, having moved from the local huge primary to a much smaller over-flow primary which suited a lot better. However I also wired my parents garage with only limited input dad at something like 11yo and have an eye for detail and good engineering design that people seem to pay me good money for. I occasionally I will have a full scale almost dehabilitating melt-down the night before the plasterers are due that they might ruin our period Edwardian ceiling and that if they did life would not be worth living, which when my partners family is knee deep in dealing with her father having terminal cancer doesn't always go down super well, but also the plasters we found and spec'd did do an absolute boss job of one of the major feature of what is the focal room of the house and i enjoy looking at it every morning even with the rest of the room still a building site.
That must be two sides of A4 now, so I better stop, but I will follow this thread and add my thoughts and feelings as constructively as I can if you find any of it at all useful, and to be honest, probably carry on regardless even if you do not!
Hope the last month has been all right for you.
Cheers
Daniel
Well done that man. Although I don't have any direct family affected by autism/aspergers, I have been taking a keen interest in the whole subject as some friends have had to experience similar issues. I just found it very interesting and 'refreshing' to have such an interesting, detailed, summary from someone who has had direct involvement.
Thank you, and all the best for the future.
.
dhutch said:
At times I come home from work, or a day socialising with people I don't know that well, and I am absolutely shattered on a scale I don't thing many would understand, which I now believe is me working flat out to do what comes naturally to others
Absolutely spot on, people do not understand the sheer mental effort involved in appearing 'normal' , having space and time to be allowed to 'come down' at the end of the day is immensely important.Thanks for your input.
out of interest i'm doing some unofficial research into autism and smart speaker/phone use i.e. the digital assistants - is there anyone out there with a child who interacts readily with these but not necessarily well with people. I'd like to know your experience - feel free to take it offline.
e.g. https://www.nytimes.com/2014/10/19/fashion/how-app...
e.g. https://www.nytimes.com/2014/10/19/fashion/how-app...
Edited by sparkyhx on Thursday 21st March 11:56
My diagnosis report said that there was a follow up group session - weekly, for 4 weeks - to help understand the aspects of Autism. The last one was this week.
It was interesting, although I think provided little actual benefit. The main reason I went was because the diagnosis said that these sessions would give information about what other support / treatment was available.
One of the presentations described "common post diagnosis experience for adults" as :
Relief (I'm not mad)
Confusion (what does autism mean?)
Acceptance (It's OK to be autistic)
I questioned this, and said I was surprised that "Relief" was common - personally, I found the diagnosis to be an extremely negative aspect of my life and wish I'd never done it. I was told by the presenter that this put me in a very small minority - and the other attendees did seem to support this view. They agreed with the presenter, that it was a positive thing for them.
One week was about sensory stuff - I didn't think I had any at all. However, that was because I assumed it meant things like : being super sensitive to sound, light, flashing patterns etc.
In fact, it turns out I do have some -
I hate the fact that people want to hug.
I dislike being touched lightly - and especially hate people touching my face.
I have the common issue with eye contact
The presenter also included talking into this - and I do suffer from that. I have the obvious social issues anyway, but particularly if I'm in a group of more than 3 people (including myself) I am aware that I basically stop talking. Me plus two others, I can do - but me plus three others (even people I know very well) results in me being part of the wallpaper.
Curiously - at the last session, I realised I had another trait but not one I'd recognised. I don't like speaking on the phone - it doesn't cause me massive distress - however, I will avoid it whenever I can. If I can email or text somebody rather than speaking to them, I will. If we are ordering a takeaway - I will order online, and if I can't do that then I will get the g/f to do it rather than doing it myself.
I've always been aware that I prefer not to speak on the phone - although obviously in day to day life I do - but I'd never really clicked that it was probably a trait of autism.
Apparently, there are one-to-one sessions available once a month (with about a one month waiting list). It wasn't entirely clear what it involved, but it seems it's basically "discussing issues you have" which might include stuff that bothers you particularly, or work, or relationships.
Speaking of relationships - mine may have come to an end after some issues last weekend. I don't think we've entirely decided to call it a day yet - more like we're on a break - although I think I'll avoid making the same mistake that Ross / Friends did.
It is kind of amusing in a way - the list of faults I got texted Saturday morning was remarkably familiar. My current(?) g/f is very very different from my previous ex - the current one will make it very clear every time you do something wrong - the ex never did, and only told me after we split up. But the list is pretty much identical.
It seems that - in addition to other things - I never ever say "you look nice" and stuff like that. Doesn't seem like it should be that hard does it?
We are currently both deciding what we should do, and to be honest I think my gut feeling (and I suspect hers) is that we'll never make each other happy - I am at least quite sure I can never be what she wants.
And in fact - my current view is that I can never be what most people want - and although it obviously brings some positives, relationships are not necessarily a good thing for people with autism. It means that you are no longer in a situation you control - you are subject to what other people want to do, and that places you in soooooo many stressful situations sooooooo many times. Worse, those stressful situations are perfectly normal things, and your A-typical partner simply cannot comprehend how such insignificant things can cause you to have a meltdown.
I am sure I will not spend the rest of my life single - however, I doubt I will plan long term relationships. Of course, another aspect of the diagnosis is that I now feel I'm lying to people by pretending I'm normal (which I do seem to be able to do when initially dating) - something I've mentioned before.
I have not decided yet whether I will try these one to one sessions. When I consider it, I find I am very anti it - I hate anything that reinforces the fact that I've been diagnosed as autistic. And if I simply resign myself to a fairly solitary life - why bother. But we'll see.
Oh - ETA : The one thing the course did show is that people with autism really are VERY different!
It was interesting, although I think provided little actual benefit. The main reason I went was because the diagnosis said that these sessions would give information about what other support / treatment was available.
One of the presentations described "common post diagnosis experience for adults" as :
Relief (I'm not mad)
Confusion (what does autism mean?)
Acceptance (It's OK to be autistic)
I questioned this, and said I was surprised that "Relief" was common - personally, I found the diagnosis to be an extremely negative aspect of my life and wish I'd never done it. I was told by the presenter that this put me in a very small minority - and the other attendees did seem to support this view. They agreed with the presenter, that it was a positive thing for them.
One week was about sensory stuff - I didn't think I had any at all. However, that was because I assumed it meant things like : being super sensitive to sound, light, flashing patterns etc.
In fact, it turns out I do have some -
I hate the fact that people want to hug.
I dislike being touched lightly - and especially hate people touching my face.
I have the common issue with eye contact
The presenter also included talking into this - and I do suffer from that. I have the obvious social issues anyway, but particularly if I'm in a group of more than 3 people (including myself) I am aware that I basically stop talking. Me plus two others, I can do - but me plus three others (even people I know very well) results in me being part of the wallpaper.
Curiously - at the last session, I realised I had another trait but not one I'd recognised. I don't like speaking on the phone - it doesn't cause me massive distress - however, I will avoid it whenever I can. If I can email or text somebody rather than speaking to them, I will. If we are ordering a takeaway - I will order online, and if I can't do that then I will get the g/f to do it rather than doing it myself.
I've always been aware that I prefer not to speak on the phone - although obviously in day to day life I do - but I'd never really clicked that it was probably a trait of autism.
Apparently, there are one-to-one sessions available once a month (with about a one month waiting list). It wasn't entirely clear what it involved, but it seems it's basically "discussing issues you have" which might include stuff that bothers you particularly, or work, or relationships.
Speaking of relationships - mine may have come to an end after some issues last weekend. I don't think we've entirely decided to call it a day yet - more like we're on a break - although I think I'll avoid making the same mistake that Ross / Friends did.
It is kind of amusing in a way - the list of faults I got texted Saturday morning was remarkably familiar. My current(?) g/f is very very different from my previous ex - the current one will make it very clear every time you do something wrong - the ex never did, and only told me after we split up. But the list is pretty much identical.
It seems that - in addition to other things - I never ever say "you look nice" and stuff like that. Doesn't seem like it should be that hard does it?
We are currently both deciding what we should do, and to be honest I think my gut feeling (and I suspect hers) is that we'll never make each other happy - I am at least quite sure I can never be what she wants.
And in fact - my current view is that I can never be what most people want - and although it obviously brings some positives, relationships are not necessarily a good thing for people with autism. It means that you are no longer in a situation you control - you are subject to what other people want to do, and that places you in soooooo many stressful situations sooooooo many times. Worse, those stressful situations are perfectly normal things, and your A-typical partner simply cannot comprehend how such insignificant things can cause you to have a meltdown.
I am sure I will not spend the rest of my life single - however, I doubt I will plan long term relationships. Of course, another aspect of the diagnosis is that I now feel I'm lying to people by pretending I'm normal (which I do seem to be able to do when initially dating) - something I've mentioned before.
I have not decided yet whether I will try these one to one sessions. When I consider it, I find I am very anti it - I hate anything that reinforces the fact that I've been diagnosed as autistic. And if I simply resign myself to a fairly solitary life - why bother. But we'll see.
Oh - ETA : The one thing the course did show is that people with autism really are VERY different!
sparkyhx said:
out of interest i'm doing some unofficial research into autism and smart speaker/phone use i.e. the digital assistants - is there anyone out there with a child who interacts readily with these but not necessarily well with people. I'd like to know your experience - feel free to take it offline.
e.g. https://www.nytimes.com/2014/10/19/fashion/how-app...
Do also try posting on the AuKids Magazine Facebook site, as they are a community for parents and carers of kids on the spectrum.e.g. https://www.nytimes.com/2014/10/19/fashion/how-app...
WhereDoWeGoFromHere said:
My diagnosis report said that there was a follow up group session - weekly, for 4 weeks - to help understand the aspects of Autism. The last one was this week.
It was interesting, although I think provided little actual benefit. The main reason I went was because the diagnosis said that these sessions would give information about what other support / treatment was available.
One of the presentations described "common post diagnosis experience for adults" as :
Relief (I'm not mad)
Confusion (what does autism mean?)
Acceptance (It's OK to be autistic)
I questioned this, and said I was surprised that "Relief" was common - personally, I found the diagnosis to be an extremely negative aspect of my life and wish I'd never done it. I was told by the presenter that this put me in a very small minority - and the other attendees did seem to support this view. They agreed with the presenter, that it was a positive thing for them.
One week was about sensory stuff - I didn't think I had any at all. However, that was because I assumed it meant things like : being super sensitive to sound, light, flashing patterns etc.
In fact, it turns out I do have some -
I hate the fact that people want to hug.
I dislike being touched lightly - and especially hate people touching my face.
I have the common issue with eye contact
The presenter also included talking into this - and I do suffer from that. I have the obvious social issues anyway, but particularly if I'm in a group of more than 3 people (including myself) I am aware that I basically stop talking. Me plus two others, I can do - but me plus three others (even people I know very well) results in me being part of the wallpaper.
Curiously - at the last session, I realised I had another trait but not one I'd recognised. I don't like speaking on the phone - it doesn't cause me massive distress - however, I will avoid it whenever I can. If I can email or text somebody rather than speaking to them, I will. If we are ordering a takeaway - I will order online, and if I can't do that then I will get the g/f to do it rather than doing it myself.
I've always been aware that I prefer not to speak on the phone - although obviously in day to day life I do - but I'd never really clicked that it was probably a trait of autism.
Apparently, there are one-to-one sessions available once a month (with about a one month waiting list). It wasn't entirely clear what it involved, but it seems it's basically "discussing issues you have" which might include stuff that bothers you particularly, or work, or relationships.
Speaking of relationships - mine may have come to an end after some issues last weekend. I don't think we've entirely decided to call it a day yet - more like we're on a break - although I think I'll avoid making the same mistake that Ross / Friends did.
It is kind of amusing in a way - the list of faults I got texted Saturday morning was remarkably familiar. My current(?) g/f is very very different from my previous ex - the current one will make it very clear every time you do something wrong - the ex never did, and only told me after we split up. But the list is pretty much identical.
It seems that - in addition to other things - I never ever say "you look nice" and stuff like that. Doesn't seem like it should be that hard does it?
We are currently both deciding what we should do, and to be honest I think my gut feeling (and I suspect hers) is that we'll never make each other happy - I am at least quite sure I can never be what she wants.
And in fact - my current view is that I can never be what most people want - and although it obviously brings some positives, relationships are not necessarily a good thing for people with autism. It means that you are no longer in a situation you control - you are subject to what other people want to do, and that places you in soooooo many stressful situations sooooooo many times. Worse, those stressful situations are perfectly normal things, and your A-typical partner simply cannot comprehend how such insignificant things can cause you to have a meltdown.
I am sure I will not spend the rest of my life single - however, I doubt I will plan long term relationships. Of course, another aspect of the diagnosis is that I now feel I'm lying to people by pretending I'm normal (which I do seem to be able to do when initially dating) - something I've mentioned before.
I have not decided yet whether I will try these one to one sessions. When I consider it, I find I am very anti it - I hate anything that reinforces the fact that I've been diagnosed as autistic. And if I simply resign myself to a fairly solitary life - why bother. But we'll see.
Oh - ETA : The one thing the course did show is that people with autism really are VERY different!
That was a very good, and useful, post that can only help others like myself (looking in, just as an 'outsider') to better understand the issues affecting people with autism. You mention a few things that would never have occurred to me - or, probably, most other people.It was interesting, although I think provided little actual benefit. The main reason I went was because the diagnosis said that these sessions would give information about what other support / treatment was available.
One of the presentations described "common post diagnosis experience for adults" as :
Relief (I'm not mad)
Confusion (what does autism mean?)
Acceptance (It's OK to be autistic)
I questioned this, and said I was surprised that "Relief" was common - personally, I found the diagnosis to be an extremely negative aspect of my life and wish I'd never done it. I was told by the presenter that this put me in a very small minority - and the other attendees did seem to support this view. They agreed with the presenter, that it was a positive thing for them.
One week was about sensory stuff - I didn't think I had any at all. However, that was because I assumed it meant things like : being super sensitive to sound, light, flashing patterns etc.
In fact, it turns out I do have some -
I hate the fact that people want to hug.
I dislike being touched lightly - and especially hate people touching my face.
I have the common issue with eye contact
The presenter also included talking into this - and I do suffer from that. I have the obvious social issues anyway, but particularly if I'm in a group of more than 3 people (including myself) I am aware that I basically stop talking. Me plus two others, I can do - but me plus three others (even people I know very well) results in me being part of the wallpaper.
Curiously - at the last session, I realised I had another trait but not one I'd recognised. I don't like speaking on the phone - it doesn't cause me massive distress - however, I will avoid it whenever I can. If I can email or text somebody rather than speaking to them, I will. If we are ordering a takeaway - I will order online, and if I can't do that then I will get the g/f to do it rather than doing it myself.
I've always been aware that I prefer not to speak on the phone - although obviously in day to day life I do - but I'd never really clicked that it was probably a trait of autism.
Apparently, there are one-to-one sessions available once a month (with about a one month waiting list). It wasn't entirely clear what it involved, but it seems it's basically "discussing issues you have" which might include stuff that bothers you particularly, or work, or relationships.
Speaking of relationships - mine may have come to an end after some issues last weekend. I don't think we've entirely decided to call it a day yet - more like we're on a break - although I think I'll avoid making the same mistake that Ross / Friends did.
It is kind of amusing in a way - the list of faults I got texted Saturday morning was remarkably familiar. My current(?) g/f is very very different from my previous ex - the current one will make it very clear every time you do something wrong - the ex never did, and only told me after we split up. But the list is pretty much identical.
It seems that - in addition to other things - I never ever say "you look nice" and stuff like that. Doesn't seem like it should be that hard does it?
We are currently both deciding what we should do, and to be honest I think my gut feeling (and I suspect hers) is that we'll never make each other happy - I am at least quite sure I can never be what she wants.
And in fact - my current view is that I can never be what most people want - and although it obviously brings some positives, relationships are not necessarily a good thing for people with autism. It means that you are no longer in a situation you control - you are subject to what other people want to do, and that places you in soooooo many stressful situations sooooooo many times. Worse, those stressful situations are perfectly normal things, and your A-typical partner simply cannot comprehend how such insignificant things can cause you to have a meltdown.
I am sure I will not spend the rest of my life single - however, I doubt I will plan long term relationships. Of course, another aspect of the diagnosis is that I now feel I'm lying to people by pretending I'm normal (which I do seem to be able to do when initially dating) - something I've mentioned before.
I have not decided yet whether I will try these one to one sessions. When I consider it, I find I am very anti it - I hate anything that reinforces the fact that I've been diagnosed as autistic. And if I simply resign myself to a fairly solitary life - why bother. But we'll see.
Oh - ETA : The one thing the course did show is that people with autism really are VERY different!
In a slightly light-hearted comment, I would just have to add that you don't need to be autistic to have numerous, ongoing, problems with relationships. Most men will likely agree that they have problems with understanding women. You know the saying 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus' - it's very true, but men seem to overlook the fact that they are dealing with an alien species.......
I was wondering if anyone could point me in the right direction for getting some help.
My son is 5 and is autistic. He’s lovely, funny and kind but does not react well when he has done something wrong. He doesn’t have to be told off, just seeing a change in my expression sets him off and if you can’t distract him it leads to him hitting, kicking, throwing stuff, slamming doors etc. We have to physically restrain him at times.
I love him to bits but after each meltdown I am knocked emotionally flat and just have a feeling of empathy which can last days. This runs in a cycle, we’ll have a few days being great and then a few days barely interacting. My ex partner (unfortunately the strain got to us) says that I show exactly the same traits as my son and I just don’t know how to deal with it. I fear that my relationship with my son will keep deteriorating and I’d hate for that to happen.
I’ll be moving out of the family home soon and I would love to speak to someone about how to tackle my problems but don’t know who. Has anyone else been in this position and if so what helped you?
Thanks
My son is 5 and is autistic. He’s lovely, funny and kind but does not react well when he has done something wrong. He doesn’t have to be told off, just seeing a change in my expression sets him off and if you can’t distract him it leads to him hitting, kicking, throwing stuff, slamming doors etc. We have to physically restrain him at times.
I love him to bits but after each meltdown I am knocked emotionally flat and just have a feeling of empathy which can last days. This runs in a cycle, we’ll have a few days being great and then a few days barely interacting. My ex partner (unfortunately the strain got to us) says that I show exactly the same traits as my son and I just don’t know how to deal with it. I fear that my relationship with my son will keep deteriorating and I’d hate for that to happen.
I’ll be moving out of the family home soon and I would love to speak to someone about how to tackle my problems but don’t know who. Has anyone else been in this position and if so what helped you?
Thanks
SkemJazzer said:
I was wondering if anyone could point me in the right direction for getting some help.
My son is 5 and is autistic. He’s lovely, funny and kind but does not react well when he has done something wrong. He doesn’t have to be told off, just seeing a change in my expression sets him off and if you can’t distract him it leads to him hitting, kicking, throwing stuff, slamming doors etc. We have to physically restrain him at times.
I love him to bits but after each meltdown I am knocked emotionally flat and just have a feeling of empathy which can last days. This runs in a cycle, we’ll have a few days being great and then a few days barely interacting. My ex partner (unfortunately the strain got to us) says that I show exactly the same traits as my son and I just don’t know how to deal with it. I fear that my relationship with my son will keep deteriorating and I’d hate for that to happen.
I’ll be moving out of the family home soon and I would love to speak to someone about how to tackle my problems but don’t know who. Has anyone else been in this position and if so what helped you?
Thanks
Reading your post, i'm not clear what kind of help you are seeking, you have a lot going on relationship with kid, relationship with partner, your own possible autism, change in circumstances/arrangements. One size may not fit all. My son is 5 and is autistic. He’s lovely, funny and kind but does not react well when he has done something wrong. He doesn’t have to be told off, just seeing a change in my expression sets him off and if you can’t distract him it leads to him hitting, kicking, throwing stuff, slamming doors etc. We have to physically restrain him at times.
I love him to bits but after each meltdown I am knocked emotionally flat and just have a feeling of empathy which can last days. This runs in a cycle, we’ll have a few days being great and then a few days barely interacting. My ex partner (unfortunately the strain got to us) says that I show exactly the same traits as my son and I just don’t know how to deal with it. I fear that my relationship with my son will keep deteriorating and I’d hate for that to happen.
I’ll be moving out of the family home soon and I would love to speak to someone about how to tackle my problems but don’t know who. Has anyone else been in this position and if so what helped you?
Thanks
Reading my post back it just seem a jumble. I suppose the main thing I want is to have a good relationship with my son.
We are similar in many ways and this causes friction when I’m tired and he’s tetchy. I’m trying to change my life to create more patience to deal with my son but I was wondering if anyone else had experience of such an up and down relationship with their child and how they dealt with it.
We are similar in many ways and this causes friction when I’m tired and he’s tetchy. I’m trying to change my life to create more patience to deal with my son but I was wondering if anyone else had experience of such an up and down relationship with their child and how they dealt with it.
SkemJazzer said:
I was wondering if anyone could point me in the right direction for getting some help.
My son is 5 and is autistic. He’s lovely, funny and kind but does not react well when he has done something wrong. He doesn’t have to be told off, just seeing a change in my expression sets him off and if you can’t distract him it leads to him hitting, kicking, throwing stuff, slamming doors etc. We have to physically restrain him at times.
I love him to bits but after each meltdown I am knocked emotionally flat and just have a feeling of empathy which can last days. This runs in a cycle, we’ll have a few days being great and then a few days barely interacting. My ex partner (unfortunately the strain got to us) says that I show exactly the same traits as my son and I just don’t know how to deal with it. I fear that my relationship with my son will keep deteriorating and I’d hate for that to happen.
I’ll be moving out of the family home soon and I would love to speak to someone about how to tackle my problems but don’t know who. Has anyone else been in this position and if so what helped you?
Thanks
My son is 5 and is autistic. He’s lovely, funny and kind but does not react well when he has done something wrong. He doesn’t have to be told off, just seeing a change in my expression sets him off and if you can’t distract him it leads to him hitting, kicking, throwing stuff, slamming doors etc. We have to physically restrain him at times.
I love him to bits but after each meltdown I am knocked emotionally flat and just have a feeling of empathy which can last days. This runs in a cycle, we’ll have a few days being great and then a few days barely interacting. My ex partner (unfortunately the strain got to us) says that I show exactly the same traits as my son and I just don’t know how to deal with it. I fear that my relationship with my son will keep deteriorating and I’d hate for that to happen.
I’ll be moving out of the family home soon and I would love to speak to someone about how to tackle my problems but don’t know who. Has anyone else been in this position and if so what helped you?
Thanks
SkemJazzer said:
Reading my post back it just seem a jumble. I suppose the main thing I want is to have a good relationship with my son.
We are similar in many ways and this causes friction when I’m tired and he’s tetchy. I’m trying to change my life to create more patience to deal with my son but I was wondering if anyone else had experience of such an up and down relationship with their child and how they dealt with it.
I cant add a huge amount, as my experience of this situation is as the child not the adult. However it is not a surprise to me, that there can be friction, or that you share some traits. We are similar in many ways and this causes friction when I’m tired and he’s tetchy. I’m trying to change my life to create more patience to deal with my son but I was wondering if anyone else had experience of such an up and down relationship with their child and how they dealt with it.
Mum has certainly said that she had to 'pick her battles' in terms of what she asked me to do etc. And as a small child I did my share of hitting/kicking/slamming doors I used to turn my room upside down a fair bit too, pulling over the bookcase etc, wanting to express upset/anger in a physical way, although if I damaged something in the process it used to really upset me.
Even now certain thing can may be feel almost irrationally frustrated, getting lost in traffic when trying to get to somewhere before it shuts or the like I can have a bit of a meltdown, which can manifest either as deep rage against the cause, or deep disappointment in myself for not doing something different to avoid it, but fortunately in terms of social acceptance I can keep any such rage/infuriation internal now.
Obviously the fact that his mood effects yours for so long is probably as big a thing as his mood in the first place, and I think another symptom. Mum has a saying 'never look for affirmation from your children' which in retrospect may stem from me as a child as much as anything else. The need to be ok in your own head space that what you are doing it right. Either from inside, or from speaking with friends/family/online I guess. I have heard people saying, including in this thread, that they have to make sure they are not too tired to cope with it all else it all goes wrong, which seems to fit with what your saying, if easier said than done.
Presumably your son is staying with his mother and you will see him certain days/weekends or the like, at least that appear to be the norm still. Again, I am a long way from being an expert here, but you just have to pay it by ear and hope and expect that if you work at it the best you can it will be ok. It will be ok, where there is a will there is a way!
Will be very interested what others say, on the assumption that if I am lucky enough, I probably have it all to come, but maybe some of that helps even if just as a sounding board.
Daniel
dhutch said:
Mum has certainly said that she had to 'pick her battles' in terms of what she asked me to do etc. And as a small child I did my share of hitting/kicking/slamming doors I used to turn my room upside down a fair bit too, pulling over the bookcase etc, wanting to express upset/anger in a physical way, although if I damaged something in the process it used to really upset me.
Obviously the fact that his mood effects yours for so long is probably as big a thing as his mood in the first place, and I think another symptom.
I have heard people saying, including in this thread, that they have to make sure they are not too tired to cope with it all else it all goes wrong, which seems to fit with what your saying, if easier said than done.
Daniel
Very good advice there.Obviously the fact that his mood effects yours for so long is probably as big a thing as his mood in the first place, and I think another symptom.
I have heard people saying, including in this thread, that they have to make sure they are not too tired to cope with it all else it all goes wrong, which seems to fit with what your saying, if easier said than done.
Daniel
Maybe you have to get a better understanding of yourself as well and the condition as a whole. Do some research. You can then use that understanding. Speak to your mum, she sounds like she probably has lots of good advice. Counselling can help, but as a rule CBT doesn't work very well with people on the spectrum and that's the only thing you will get 'free' thru your doctors or EAP etc. Also counsellors/therapists as a rule don't have experience of dealing with people on the spectrum so pick wisely.
Have you considered getting a diagnosis for yourself? Try https://psychology-tools.com/test/autism-spectrum-... - its not a diagnosis, but will give you an indication.
my Wife runs day long courses as an "introduction to autism", for people on the spectrum, parents carers etc - next one is 4th May in Leeds if you are interested - I don't want to post this, but it might be useful
https://www.brighousecounselling.co.uk/phdi/p1.nsf...
Hope it is ok to resurrect this thread. I am a long-time member, but a very infrequent poster.
I am concerned about my 10 year-old grandson, and I am now thinking that he may have some sort of ASD. I wondered if anyone might be prepared to give me their thoughts.
He is generally a lovely wee boy, friendly, kind and with good verbal communication skills. He has a great sense of humour, and has a good circle of friends. So far so good….
Recently, however, his behaviour has changed in a number of small ways. His parents separated about 8 months ago, so much of his behaviour has been put down to that, but now I am not so sure. Within the last few months, he has simply stopped doing homework, except on the odd occasion. The usual threats or taking away his Xbox, or not letting him go to watch his football team don’t work, as he just shrugs his shoulders and goes to his room. If you follow through on your threats, he still just refuses to do his homework. More recently, he has developed an issue with clothes. He will only wear certain t-shirts with logos on them, and won’t wear anything that is plain. The school allows you to wear plain t-shirts, but don’t allow clothes with logos (Nike, North Face etc.). If you try to get him to go to wear a plain t-shirt or a pair of trousers that are slightly too tight, or the wrong length, he won’t leave the house. Again, you can remove privileges, threaten him with the removal of games etc. and it doesn’t change anything. He is only 10, but he is quite big for his age, and his mother cannot physically make him leave the house, even if that was a good thing to do. He can get very angry, and punches walls when he is frustrated. It is like he cannot understand why we don’t see his point of view. As I say, no amount of emotional blackmail, threats, bribes or whatever will get him to change his mind, but if you let him put on the clothes he wants, he is fine and goes off to school without any problems. I was trying to get him to leave the house this morning, and the tracksuit he had on was “way too tight” and the trousers were too short. He basically refused to leave the house, and got very upset when I told him how much this was impacting on me getting to work. Eventually I had to take a pair of trousers out of the washing basket to get him to leave the house. They looked the same “tightness” and length as the ones he was refusing to wear, but he said they were much more complicated.
He has also started struggling at school. Part of this may be because he isn’t doing the work at home to keep up, but he seems to have difficulties with certain things. His reading is good, and he can do problem solving very well, but sometimes doing basic additions or subtractions seems to be beyond him. He seems to be good at more complex stuff, and less good at the things that should come naturally. He has a support teacher, and is involved in a lot of activities with this support teacher that he enjoys. My worry is that this takes him away from doing the normal curriculum work that he should be doing. The school have almost been making allowances for his failure to adhere to the dress code so far, but I don’t know how long this will last.
So, what I suppose I am asking is, does this sound like someone who may have ASD related issues, or does this just sound like a boy who wants his own way, and pushes his luck until he gets it. Any advice, guidance, etc. that anyone can offer would be much appreciated.
I am concerned about my 10 year-old grandson, and I am now thinking that he may have some sort of ASD. I wondered if anyone might be prepared to give me their thoughts.
He is generally a lovely wee boy, friendly, kind and with good verbal communication skills. He has a great sense of humour, and has a good circle of friends. So far so good….
Recently, however, his behaviour has changed in a number of small ways. His parents separated about 8 months ago, so much of his behaviour has been put down to that, but now I am not so sure. Within the last few months, he has simply stopped doing homework, except on the odd occasion. The usual threats or taking away his Xbox, or not letting him go to watch his football team don’t work, as he just shrugs his shoulders and goes to his room. If you follow through on your threats, he still just refuses to do his homework. More recently, he has developed an issue with clothes. He will only wear certain t-shirts with logos on them, and won’t wear anything that is plain. The school allows you to wear plain t-shirts, but don’t allow clothes with logos (Nike, North Face etc.). If you try to get him to go to wear a plain t-shirt or a pair of trousers that are slightly too tight, or the wrong length, he won’t leave the house. Again, you can remove privileges, threaten him with the removal of games etc. and it doesn’t change anything. He is only 10, but he is quite big for his age, and his mother cannot physically make him leave the house, even if that was a good thing to do. He can get very angry, and punches walls when he is frustrated. It is like he cannot understand why we don’t see his point of view. As I say, no amount of emotional blackmail, threats, bribes or whatever will get him to change his mind, but if you let him put on the clothes he wants, he is fine and goes off to school without any problems. I was trying to get him to leave the house this morning, and the tracksuit he had on was “way too tight” and the trousers were too short. He basically refused to leave the house, and got very upset when I told him how much this was impacting on me getting to work. Eventually I had to take a pair of trousers out of the washing basket to get him to leave the house. They looked the same “tightness” and length as the ones he was refusing to wear, but he said they were much more complicated.
He has also started struggling at school. Part of this may be because he isn’t doing the work at home to keep up, but he seems to have difficulties with certain things. His reading is good, and he can do problem solving very well, but sometimes doing basic additions or subtractions seems to be beyond him. He seems to be good at more complex stuff, and less good at the things that should come naturally. He has a support teacher, and is involved in a lot of activities with this support teacher that he enjoys. My worry is that this takes him away from doing the normal curriculum work that he should be doing. The school have almost been making allowances for his failure to adhere to the dress code so far, but I don’t know how long this will last.
So, what I suppose I am asking is, does this sound like someone who may have ASD related issues, or does this just sound like a boy who wants his own way, and pushes his luck until he gets it. Any advice, guidance, etc. that anyone can offer would be much appreciated.
Premature said:
Recently, however, his behaviour has changed in a number of small ways. His parents separated about 8 months ago, so much of his behaviour has been put down to that, but now I am not so sure.
Do not underestimate the impact this can have. When my wife split from her ex, her son who was 7 at the time had a torrid time. In so many ways his behavior was terrible. It was easy to overlook what he was going through with the split & see a problem child. There were visits to child specialists. It took a few years to get through it, but with hindsight it was his confusion about the split that bought it all on. To a young mind it is confusing & frustrating, they blame themselves. That confusion & frustration can work out in anger outbursts, tantrums & violence or just general difficulties. If he was fine before the split, I would wager this has been the trigger. GT03ROB said:
Premature said:
Recently, however, his behaviour has changed in a number of small ways. His parents separated about 8 months ago, so much of his behaviour has been put down to that, but now I am not so sure.
Do not underestimate the impact this can have. When my wife split from her ex, her son who was 7 at the time had a torrid time. In so many ways his behavior was terrible. It was easy to overlook what he was going through with the split & see a problem child. There were visits to child specialists. It took a few years to get through it, but with hindsight it was his confusion about the split that bought it all on. To a young mind it is confusing & frustrating, they blame themselves. That confusion & frustration can work out in anger outbursts, tantrums & violence or just general difficulties. If he was fine before the split, I would wager this has been the trigger. Gassing Station | Health Matters | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff