It's a sunny day in the Big Brother households. The housemates in have
been tanning themselves in the hot weather. This week's challenge for the
competitors has been to drive around the UK observing artificially low
speed limits whilst avoiding the stooges sent out by Big Brother to hamper
safe progress. It's not been a good task though. Cameras hidden in
catseyes, behind trees, in cricket stumps and inside lumps of cheese have
caught out the gang once again. Three thousand of them will forfeit their
licences this week as penance.
There's an email doing the rounds in Big Brother country suggesting
that Thames Valley police are having a crack down on the rules. This
week's task is to establish if it's genuine or if it's just another hoax.
Luckily the email includes the make, model and colour of some undercover
police cars. All the housemates have to do is keep an eye out for any one
of the dozen common cars anywhere in the Thames Valley. They've gambled
this week's food allowance on evading these cars, so fingers crossed the
story about the helicopter was false too.
The combination of the hot weather and congestion on the roads is
causing tension in Big Brother country. It's possible that violence could
break out if tempers flare. Luckily Big Brother has the situation covered
with plenty of security and cameras monitoring the residents 24 hours a
day from all angles. Heinous crimes such as parking on a yellow line have
been reported. Luckily a camera caught the culprit in the act, requiring
no human intervention. Big Brother rules state that a competitor is guilty
until proven innocent so the hapless sod is now in Strangeways.
Contestants spotted speeding on an open road in Scotland have chosen
eviction and will be leaving the UK next week.
Big Brother artificially raises the price of petrol to see how the
contestants react. Big Brother awards himself and the rest of the
Government a pay rise.
Many of the residents are struggling with the petrol challenge. Some
business are going bust whilst lorry drivers have been caught sneaking out
of Big Brother land and getting petrol from outside. Secret cameras
installed in bacon sandwiches caught the offenders on their return to the
UK. They will be punished.
Nominations for eviction have been made. Splits are emerging in the Big
Brother household with the Welsh, Scots and English all nominating each
other for eviction. Big Brother land is to be split into three sections to
prevent further problems. Cameras mounted in bits of chewing gum stuck to
the pavement will monitor the borders.
The experiment is going well. Many of the residents of Big Brother land
cannot now afford petrol and are having problems getting food. Big Brother
has secret plans in place for this eventuality. Army tankers are on
standby to fuel Government limousines and housemates have been reminded
that they are not to contact the outside world. Big Brother will turn off
TV and radio if the housemates play up. Big Brother continues to force
pubs to close at 11pm.
Big Brother and his mates sit around with a few beers at No 10. Raucous
laughter can be heard down the street as they laugh their socks off
watching their little experiment. Big Brother's son nips out to get more
beers.
"This is Big Brother. In order to ensure your continued
security in Big Brother country, we will be erecting more cameras to
monitor safety issues. These cameras are here for your protection. You are
reminded that this is not a democracy."
"This is Big Brother. Will all contestants owning radar
detectors please come to the diary room."
Half the population have been jailed for breaking new safety
guidelines. Big Brother has confiscated all but three driving licences due
to the shortage of red ink for endorsements. All three motorists now have
personal police escorts of fourteen cars hoping to catch them out and to
select a winner.
Big Brother has obviously been caught speeding himself but the rules
state that this was a matter of national security and that no further
action will be taken.
A solitary driver is left. Seventy three year old Hilda Miggins is has
made it through by driving at a constant 27 mph in her Morris Minor. She's
presented with a road safety award. This is later confiscated after a her
car went near a police car causing severe whiplash to the officers.
Contestants are reminded that speed kills. The safest driver is a
stationary driver.
"Will PetrolTed please come to the diary room..."