I'm
in the wrong business. I've decided to jack it all in and design useless
bolt on goodies for cars. What a huge market there is out there for
useless bits of badly moulded plastic crap to lash to your tin-top. From
chunky body kits designed to make your Escort van look like a huge Airfix
kit, to all manner of tat to slap on your headlamps so that you can't see
where you're going. All in the name of personalising your dull as
dishwater, common as muck, off the shelf jellymould Eurobox.
What is it with people? Car manufacturers spend years developing cars
using the finest engineers and technicians, only for some knob with a GCSE
in woodwork to decide he knows better. Slapping a picnic table stuck on
the back and replacing the rear seats with a balsa wood rabbit hutch and a
base tube are merely the beginning. The original Sierra Cosworth had a lot
to answer for. The appearance of that spoiler spawned thousands of
ludicrous imitations on the most ridiculous cars. Front wheel drive cars
spawned half a dining table on the back in the name of rear downforce.
XR2's became useless as shopping cars as you couldn't open the rear hatch
under the weight of the whale tail.
Car 'personalisation' is not easy. Taking a car that's had millions of
man hours of design lavished on it and then improving on it is a tough
call. So why bother? Buy another car, get a professional to do it, take up
basket weaving, but stop bolting the tacky contents of Christmas
crackers onto your car. Consider others - it's so frustrating to know
every time you buy fast food, you're merely funding Jonny-no-stars' latest
automotive bunch of arse designed to impress the burger bar bimbos.
I want to know what the
hell are the Vehicle Inspectorate up to? I suspect they're out there
checking the tread on tyres, looking for badly maintained lorries and
checking seatbelts in coaches all in the name of safety. Sod safety, I
want my taxes used to rid the streets of offensive Orions and shoddy
Sierras. I want the suburbs cleared of Escort vans with fluorescent
lights. The police shouldn't be out there in unmarked Subarus goading
people to speed, they should be prodding their batons in the chests of
villains who've committed the heinous crime of fitting flash wheels to
crap cars.
I've written to Herr Blair asking him to move on the matter urgently.
The situation is getting serious. I'm hearing rumours that blockades
of Halfords are being considered. I'm hoping it could get to the stage
where only emergency workers will be allocated baked bean can exhausts for
their Novas. Supplies of tinted window film are at an all time low and the
army may have to be brought in to replenish supplies of Christmas tree air
fresheners. Things are looking up...
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