Global warming eh? Well it's not very warm here
right now. Show me some evidence that Eastbourne is about to join the
Costa del Sol and I'll go invest in a new sombrero and stuffed donkey
factory right now. Every time I turn on the TV or open a newspaper (oops -
dropped me chips), I get bombarded with news about Britain being subjected
to floods, earthquakes and plagues of locusts. Apparently it's my fault.
Because I drive a car with more than 3cc I've destroyed the planet. Now
I'm not saying that cars are innocent in this particular crime against
humanity, but simply blaming me for going for the odd blast in the country
isn't going to halt the devastation of planet Earth.
The whole environment thing exposes the mass hypocrisy of everyone who
chooses to pipe up with their own contribution of hot air. Politicians pay
lip service to the whole issue whilst having their overweight carcasses
hauled around in limousines. Dump the limos - sling 'em in the back of a
pickup and you'll soon find them using public transport.
Chancellor Chubby Brown makes supposedly noble gestures like promoting
low sulphur fuel and low tax for shopping cars. What hogwash. Never
mind the efficiency of a car, lets just tax it on how few Pot Noodles you
can get in the boot. When did you last see Tony Blair cycle to the House
of Commons? They should start broadcasting Prime Ministers Question Time
five minutes earlier - I want to see the overfed, overpaid anaemic
specimens legging it there under their own steam. Energy efficiency would
be improved if Two-Jags and Chubby shed a few pounds too. Cream cakes are
bad for the environment, ban the bun!
On the flip side, grubby green activitist chain themselves to trees in
the name of the cause, but they're not exactly doing the Green image the
power of good are they? I tend to respect well formulated arguments and
hard evidence rather than snot covered oiks playing Action Man in army
hand-me-downs.
It's time for some common sense. Think of all the energy expended
making cars from start to finish. It's enormously damaging to the
environment in terms of both the power required and the raw materials.
Then at the end of it we get boring cars. Most of the damage has been done
already then we're forced to drive around in painfully slow wheezing
matchboxes. It's our children's futures we're spending and I want value
for money. I don't want a clever catalyst that pre-heats itself to gas
mark five. I want power, noise and flames.
We're ok in Britain anyway. The grubby smeg gobbed out of our cars is
relatively minor compared to the crud hurled out of cars in poorer parts
of the world. Call me an uncaring bastard but why don't we confiscate all
the Morris Oxfords in India and give them all those silly little scooters
everyone's hopping about on now. That would make more of an impact than me
putting the catalysts back in my car (shhhh).
The lentil eaters might point out the many alternative sources of power
that we could switch to, but somehow I think we're playing a losing game
anyway. Electric vehicles are touted as environmentally friendly, yet some
poor Columbian kid has to go to the centre of the earth, crack open some
coal seams and then torch the stuff to generate enough electricity for a
milkfloat to carry a yoghurt. Wave power? Take all that energy out of the
sea and the Atlantic will become an algae filled mill-pond full of bored
whales. Harness the power of the wind and we'll be stuck with the same
weather all the time, killing the art of conversation stone dead. Nuclear
power?... nah... Hydroelectric? How many more Chinese villages must join
the Man from Atlantis to let me boil my kettle?
In the words of the old Scottish crumbly in Dad's Army, "We're
doomed". We might as well accept it and continue running down the
vegemite army with our fast, foul and filthy cars. I'm off out now to
plant a tree hugger in the hedgerow. I'm doing my bit - are you?