Dementia

My grandad didn't have dementia but suffered in a very similar way. He was in brilliant shape going to the gym, riding his push bike, he was a seriously capable driver and motorbike riderall well into his late 70's he was still doing trackdays on his GSXR and driving his Discovery down to Spain, then he had a mechanical failure on his bike on track and crashed through no fault of his own. That put him in hospital with a few broken bones and bruising, when he got out he went back out on the bike without inspecting it and obviously crashed it again, this time on the motorway. That weakened him severely and saw him in hospital for a while, after that it was a chain reaction of falls which made him weaker and weaker. A scan showed that the hospital had missed a brain bleed on the first crash which would've been easily treated apparently, the result being that someone who 2 years prior was in better shape than most 40 year olds and more active was now in worse shape than most 95 year olds and barely able to speak, it also left him extremely short tempered and extremely depressed. It wasn't dementia but seeing someone go through that deterioration physically and mentally is heartbreaking, then you feel extreme guilt when you feel relieved that they died so their suffering has finally come to an end. In our case his death then led to what was once a very close knit extended family completely shattering to the point where we all absolutely detest each other. I hope you still get a lot of good years and memories together, I can't imagine anything worse to be diagnosed with.

My Mum’s partner has been living with dementia for a couple of years now.

It is getting to the point now where he is going to need a lot more care. He generally can’t take care of himself autonomously e.g. showering every day, remembering to take medication, eating properly, managing appointments. He is beginning to forget how to use his mobile phone and the television. He has periods of severe confusion immediately before and after sleeping when he will forget where he is and who he’s talking to.

He is paranoid and suspicious of people. He often believes that people around him are trying to steal his money or things. He has accused my mum of being romantically involved with her widowed brother in law. He has become simultaneously very needy and very possessive of my Mum. She has received 40+ phone calls in a day from him before now. When she doesn’t answer he rings me, my sister, Mum’s friends and asks where my Mum is, why she won’t answer, when she can call him back etc etc.

He had a period of a few weeks after Christmas when he didn’t know night from day and would go to bed at 1pm and would be up in the middle of the night putting a wash on. He thankfully seems to have fallen back into a decent rhythm but sadly small improvements such as this seem quite rare in his case.

He has now been informed that he must stop driving until he completes another driving assessment (which are currently suspended due to Covid). We discussed at length the ramifications of this but he immediately forgot the whole conversation so we’re now going to have to get his car / keys away from him which will be difficult given the paranoia.

He has thankfully not been physically violent and has become quite passive, but it has been tragic to watch a proud and strong former serviceman who was unerringly punctual and immaculately turned out, becoming a vulnerable and confused old man who is in bits just trying to manage an appointment or a visit from an electrician.

That is so sad. My wife is the same age (65). Makes me realise how lucky I am.

Having a parent with it is bad enough, you kind of expect it but, I can’t imagine what it’s like for a partner to suffer.

I can only wish you well.

Wow, so sorry to read this.

In addition to the all the above, my only piece of advice would be to minimise the number of changes of residence as much as possible. Don't think about what they need now, but what they will need in a year or two.

We moved my grandfather a total of 5 times, and we would have been much better dropping that to 2 or 3. Each move made perfect sense at the time and it was only in hindsight we realised the mistake.

He went from his bungalow, to the annexe at my parents house, whilst his new flat nearby was completed, to the flat, to a sheltered housing flat with warden etc, to a care home (that didn't work out) to another much better care home/nursing home.

If he had gone from bungalow to sheltered housing, he may well have lived out his days there.

I watched this the other day on your recommendation. I wasn’t sure about it at first, especially when I saw it was 45 minutes. It also contains some controversial and uncomfortable opinions. However I have just relayed the relevant bits of advice to my Mum and have realised that there were a lot of useful and interesting things to take away.

An update.

MiL had a fall Weds morn (in the early hours) and FiL called an ambulance. 4 Hours later they turned up and got her back into bed. An hour later she got up and promptly had another fall. 5 hour wait for an ambulance followed by 5 hours queued at A&E (The NHS is really st at the moment) and she has been admitted. Still in today and not much chance of release at the moment due to weakness.

Turns out FiL has been doing everything including having to dress her etc. He is knackered. So wife will be attending a bit more often and trying to give him a break. Also looking to see what help is available through the council.

I'd echo the issue, that it masks deterioration. In our case it took the father having an accident due to overwork, to reveal how advanced MiL's dementia actually was. We massively underestimated the amount of care the mother needed, which caused further falls etc in the short term. If she is falling twice in such a short period, it's worth investigating if there are other physical issues looming such as incontinance, bathing etc which require significant assistance, so might be worth getting ducks in a row there. Emotional support is important, but regularl physical support might be required also. The brain, after all, controls a lot of stuff.

I've got a feeling my mother is highly likely to develop Dementia in the coming years, the trouble is I'm genuinely not sure how I'll be able to tell given that her 'normal' personality already ticks all the boxes for initial Dementia symptoms.. stubborn, awkward, ill mannered, impatient, unsociable, aloof, opinionated, absent minded etc

I don't think there's necessarily any clinically proven correlation between having that kind of personality and developing Dementia but it just sort of makes sense to me that someone who displays all those kind of personality traits would go on to develop it... as I said, in the early stages at least, with someone like that I imagine it would be almost impossible to actually spot the onset of Dementia.