Parents moving away
Discussion
My old man did something similar when he re-married.
The new Wife was just not interested in family, either her own kids or my Dad's side.
All she wanted to do was play with her Horses and my old man thought it was great as he played Golf loads and had no family responsibility. If they came round to visit (we were 10 miles away), she was itching to get away after 5 minutes ('the dog needs a walk, I have to see the Horses etc')
The new Wife was just not interested in family, either her own kids or my Dad's side.
All she wanted to do was play with her Horses and my old man thought it was great as he played Golf loads and had no family responsibility. If they came round to visit (we were 10 miles away), she was itching to get away after 5 minutes ('the dog needs a walk, I have to see the Horses etc')
I feel for you op, as this will undoubtedly be on your mind a lot.
As a kid, I couldn’t wait to get away from my parents and home town and seek fame and fortune in the bright lights in a place called London. I didn’t for one minute think about the impact it would have on my mum and dad moving away as we had a great relationship. But I think my mum would have loved me around, despite her constantly saying that we should live our own lives. I think when you’re the one moving you’ll be looking at your own future and very few will consider the impact it has on those ‘left behind’. I don’t think them moving away is selfish, but it will impact lives and relationships.
Continuing…. My relationship grew even stronger with my parents after moving away, despite only seeing them once a year due to 550miles of separation. Increasingly I yearned to see them more frequently and after 25 yrs finally moved back to the area, sadly not before my mum died.
My point? Distance itself limits the time and frequency of visiting but it doesn’t destroy a relationship. If you enjoy the company and the will is there the relationship can actually blossom. I’d not be angry about the move per se and give up on all hope of seeing them. I’d be questioning why is it you’re so angry (I don’t believe it’s just the move that triggered that anger) and work out what you want from your parental relationships and for your kids.
(Apols I haven’t read the whole thread so may well have missed some nuances …. Or larger points!)
As a kid, I couldn’t wait to get away from my parents and home town and seek fame and fortune in the bright lights in a place called London. I didn’t for one minute think about the impact it would have on my mum and dad moving away as we had a great relationship. But I think my mum would have loved me around, despite her constantly saying that we should live our own lives. I think when you’re the one moving you’ll be looking at your own future and very few will consider the impact it has on those ‘left behind’. I don’t think them moving away is selfish, but it will impact lives and relationships.
Continuing…. My relationship grew even stronger with my parents after moving away, despite only seeing them once a year due to 550miles of separation. Increasingly I yearned to see them more frequently and after 25 yrs finally moved back to the area, sadly not before my mum died.
My point? Distance itself limits the time and frequency of visiting but it doesn’t destroy a relationship. If you enjoy the company and the will is there the relationship can actually blossom. I’d not be angry about the move per se and give up on all hope of seeing them. I’d be questioning why is it you’re so angry (I don’t believe it’s just the move that triggered that anger) and work out what you want from your parental relationships and for your kids.
(Apols I haven’t read the whole thread so may well have missed some nuances …. Or larger points!)
MYOB said:
A lot of you seem to miss the point that his mum is moving away from her own mother, leaving the OP to be the sole person responsible for caring for his grandmother who is “end of life”.
Fair point. I missed that in the original post. But tbf, rereading it was a brief mentioning buried in a post centering on the mother’s actions and his and his kids relationships. thepritch said:
MYOB said:
A lot of you seem to miss the point that his mum is moving away from her own mother, leaving the OP to be the sole person responsible for caring for his grandmother who is “end of life”.
Fair point. I missed that in the original post. But tbf, rereading it was a brief mentioning buried in a post centering on the mother’s actions and his and his kids relationships. MYOB said:
A lot of you seem to miss the point that his mum is moving away from her own mother, leaving the OP to be the sole person responsible for caring for his grandmother who is “end of life”.
This is a point, but it seems the primary reason for the OP's anger is the fact that his mother is moving away from her grandchildren (his kids)This is odd. OP - it's your mother's choice as to whether she is close to her grandchildren. If she doesn't want to be, just (continue to, one assumes) be a great parent.
Kids needs great parents to flourish, they don't need grandparents to flourish.
I'm in a similar boat in a sense in that my Dad is looking to move 3 hours away. He doesn't understand why we aren't happy for him.
I've replied that we are, but we will miss him - it's not the same as being 20 mins away like they are now. He'll also have no support network in his old age.
His reasoning is that people can come and stay at his new place to visit, however I know that with commitments at home, this won't happen apart from maybe once a year.
But it's his life. I'm not angry about it; I'm pleased that he's going somewhere he's going to enjoy, not bitter about what he won't get to enjoy near me.
MYOB said:
A lot of you seem to miss the point that his mum is moving away from her own mother, leaving the OP to be the sole person responsible for caring for his grandmother who is “end of life”.
I don't have an answer to this, but would you rather a grandmother was in the hands of someone who cares, or someone who's not really showing an interest but looks after her because that's the done thing?MYOB said:
A lot of you seem to miss the point that his mum is moving away from her own mother, leaving the OP to be the sole person responsible for caring for his grandmother who is “end of life”.
In fairness, she is elderly / fraility at most, certainly not EOL - that particular wording means they have been sent home from hopsital or their care facility to pass away in their own homes, where there is nothing further medically that can be done to support or improve their. condition.She is not this at all, shes living alone, recently moved to be able to be more self-sufficient without transport requirements ... thats pretty far from EOL.
She will be at some point in the future, but thats not now, and do people only have children to look after and support them when they are old? If so, thats a pretty rubbish and self-centered approach to breeding!
Blib said:
OP.
Resentment is akin to drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.
@ OP - This remains the most important thing! Resentment is akin to drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.
TLDR: cast away the bitterness and let your mother make her own choices. No situation is perfect and you’ll eat yourself up trying to create something that your mother clearly doesn’t value as highly as you do.
I’ve responded previously on this thread. From my own experience, you cannot engineer a perfect situation from imperfect circumstances.
In this case, you’re not going to have a mother who her grandchildren know well. It’s just not going to happen. Your children/her grandchildren have no reference point of perfect: they will develop their own understanding of who they see and when.
Honestly, it’s going to be OK. If your mother is making choices that she sees less of her grandchildren than your in-laws, then that’s your mother’s problem (if she sees it as a problem at all). The kids will be just fine! So try not to project onto them….
Please don’t be bitter about it. It’s just a fact of life that many people experience. As I think I’ve said before, she is never going to be the grandmother or mother (or daughter) that you would like her to be. That’s disappointing, but people often are. Focus your energy on being the best human you can be for the benefit of you our wife and children.
As for your grandmother, yes you are going to be drawn into her care. She’s sounds fit and able at 87 (an aspiration for all of us!). Make sure your kids see their great grandma - not many get one of those! And if your own mother doesn’t pull her weight when it comes to care, again that’s a choice she makes. You do the best you can do for your grandmother and be the better man.
Having read some of the earlier OP posts, I'd help them pack and send them off with some extra hay for Dobbin.
- Mother doesn't care about anything that doesn't have hooves.*
- Stepfather can't be trusted alone with your kids, in case he batters them.
And you think you want MORE of that in your life? Nah, good riddance.
The best advice I can give here, which sounds flippant but really isn't, is "care less". Their life choices are not your responsibility, or making them care about your kids more, etc., no matter how much you think they should - they don't, and it's not up to you. Put yourself first, immediate family second, oddballs that don't give a stuff anyway a distant third.
Ultimately, if the time comes when they feel isolated and think that you should visit more, help them more, etc., that's the time to point out that you can't what with having family and home responsibilities at home, not many hours up the M6. Their choice, their problem.
Care Less (tm)
* very, very common approach to life among horsey types. Family and friends will be a vague, distant thought behind Dobbin's needs.
- Mother doesn't care about anything that doesn't have hooves.*
- Stepfather can't be trusted alone with your kids, in case he batters them.
And you think you want MORE of that in your life? Nah, good riddance.
The best advice I can give here, which sounds flippant but really isn't, is "care less". Their life choices are not your responsibility, or making them care about your kids more, etc., no matter how much you think they should - they don't, and it's not up to you. Put yourself first, immediate family second, oddballs that don't give a stuff anyway a distant third.
Ultimately, if the time comes when they feel isolated and think that you should visit more, help them more, etc., that's the time to point out that you can't what with having family and home responsibilities at home, not many hours up the M6. Their choice, their problem.
Care Less (tm)
* very, very common approach to life among horsey types. Family and friends will be a vague, distant thought behind Dobbin's needs.
She'll soon get sick of it, it pisses down here constantly.
Sorry not read every post, it strikes me that all you can do is have a heart to heart it won't change anything but at least you'll communicate your issues and feelings.
My wife's home town is also a 6 hour drive away so I do have some experience and sympathy although obviously this has always been the case. We go up maybe 3-4 times a year maximum we treat it like a holiday, the costs do add up however and despite when we have been in good weather it never 100% feels like a holiday. My father in law past a few years back, my MiL has been down here once in the almost 20 years we've been together, to be fair she doesn't drive and now is at an age where the transport links would put me off too being at least x3 trains two of which are nearly as quick walking. Our kids are almost 8 and 5, I do have respect for grandparents who want to lead their own lives, some seem to be a necessity when it comes to child care. I can see why some take the attitude they've raised their kids so can't be arsed doing it again.
I think it boils down to what sort of relationship they want to have with their grandkids, which granted is much more difficult when you're six hours away plus your step father does sound like a dick. My parents divorced and my dad lived abroad for years, one of the reasons he moved back was so he could spend time with his six grand kids. My mother tries to split her time between then all but my youngest sister does use her as a bit or free childcare/skivy at times, she's 66 still works PT as a nurse and can imagine it's bloody tiring as hers are 6 months and 4.
Good luck OP.
Sorry not read every post, it strikes me that all you can do is have a heart to heart it won't change anything but at least you'll communicate your issues and feelings.
My wife's home town is also a 6 hour drive away so I do have some experience and sympathy although obviously this has always been the case. We go up maybe 3-4 times a year maximum we treat it like a holiday, the costs do add up however and despite when we have been in good weather it never 100% feels like a holiday. My father in law past a few years back, my MiL has been down here once in the almost 20 years we've been together, to be fair she doesn't drive and now is at an age where the transport links would put me off too being at least x3 trains two of which are nearly as quick walking. Our kids are almost 8 and 5, I do have respect for grandparents who want to lead their own lives, some seem to be a necessity when it comes to child care. I can see why some take the attitude they've raised their kids so can't be arsed doing it again.
I think it boils down to what sort of relationship they want to have with their grandkids, which granted is much more difficult when you're six hours away plus your step father does sound like a dick. My parents divorced and my dad lived abroad for years, one of the reasons he moved back was so he could spend time with his six grand kids. My mother tries to split her time between then all but my youngest sister does use her as a bit or free childcare/skivy at times, she's 66 still works PT as a nurse and can imagine it's bloody tiring as hers are 6 months and 4.
Good luck OP.
shtu said:
Having read some of the earlier OP posts, I'd help them pack and send them off with some extra hay for Dobbin.
- Mother doesn't care about anything that doesn't have hooves.*
- Stepfather can't be trusted alone with your kids, in case he batters them.
And you think you want MORE of that in your life? Nah, good riddance.
The best advice I can give here, which sounds flippant but really isn't, is "care less". Their life choices are not your responsibility, or making them care about your kids more, etc., no matter how much you think they should - they don't, and it's not up to you. Put yourself first, immediate family second, oddballs that don't give a stuff anyway a distant third.
Ultimately, if the time comes when they feel isolated and think that you should visit more, help them more, etc., that's the time to point out that you can't what with having family and home responsibilities at home, not many hours up the M6. Their choice, their problem.
Care Less (tm)
* very, very common approach to life among horsey types. Family and friends will be a vague, distant thought behind Dobbin's needs.
Very good post.- Mother doesn't care about anything that doesn't have hooves.*
- Stepfather can't be trusted alone with your kids, in case he batters them.
And you think you want MORE of that in your life? Nah, good riddance.
The best advice I can give here, which sounds flippant but really isn't, is "care less". Their life choices are not your responsibility, or making them care about your kids more, etc., no matter how much you think they should - they don't, and it's not up to you. Put yourself first, immediate family second, oddballs that don't give a stuff anyway a distant third.
Ultimately, if the time comes when they feel isolated and think that you should visit more, help them more, etc., that's the time to point out that you can't what with having family and home responsibilities at home, not many hours up the M6. Their choice, their problem.
Care Less (tm)
* very, very common approach to life among horsey types. Family and friends will be a vague, distant thought behind Dobbin's needs.
OP, I can imagine as your mother gets older and in increasing need of medical care (especially if your stepfather predeceases her) then she will have a different take on things.
For now she wants to "go on our journey" so the best you can do is support that, even if through gritted teeth. There is no obligation on any parent or child to remain forever in close residence to their child/parent respectively. My son's best friend at school (age 9) is from Brazil. He gets to see his grandparents in person once a year, if lucky. Everyone in their family is totally fine with this.
My sister-in-law has upped sticks and moved her family to a completely different area of the country that they have no connections with, a 4hr drive away. The commonly held view amongst the rest of the family is that she has done a runner to avoid her share of caring for her mother, so that falls on my wife and one of her brothers, mostly. The S-I-L feigns concern but really can't be bothered, that's her prerogative. Your mother may be feeling the same regarding her mother.
Just get on with being the best Dad you can be to your own kids. That's what they will remember most, not some grandparent who wasn't that bothered about seeing them. Your kids have got two other sets of grandparents within 20 miles, and there is such a thing a Skype/Facetime etc.
Edited by PurpleTurtle on Wednesday 20th March 15:32
POORCARDEALER said:
Horses come right at the top of the list for some people - rule your life totally.
Our last one passed away 3 years ago and I do feel that my life has returned since
We bought 2 ponies just before covid hit........1 for Mrs LL to get back into it after not riding for 35 yrs in her retirement.......2 we had been paying for grandaughter to have riding lessons for the last 2 years............go out together..... ideal.Our last one passed away 3 years ago and I do feel that my life has returned since
Except wife went back to work months after retiring and she now hardly ever gets enough time to do anything because of work, family and her 90 yr old mother needing looking after and grandaughter also lost all interest entirely.........so guess who is now Input and Output manager 24/7 and too big to ride either of them?
LimmerickLad said:
POORCARDEALER said:
Horses come right at the top of the list for some people - rule your life totally.
Our last one passed away 3 years ago and I do feel that my life has returned since
We bought 2 ponies just before covid hit........1 for Mrs LL to get back into it after not riding for 35 yrs in her retirement.......2 we had been paying for grandaughter to have riding lessons for the last 2 years............go out together..... ideal.Our last one passed away 3 years ago and I do feel that my life has returned since
Except wife went back to work months after retiring and she now hardly ever gets enough time to do anything because of work, family and her 90 yr old mother needing looking after and grandaughter also lost all interest entirely.........so guess who is now Input and Output manager 24/7 and too big to ride either of them?
LimmerickLad said:
POORCARDEALER said:
Horses come right at the top of the list for some people - rule your life totally.
Our last one passed away 3 years ago and I do feel that my life has returned since
We bought 2 ponies just before covid hit........1 for Mrs LL to get back into it after not riding for 35 yrs in her retirement.......2 we had been paying for grandaughter to have riding lessons for the last 2 years............go out together..... ideal.Our last one passed away 3 years ago and I do feel that my life has returned since
Except wife went back to work months after retiring and she now hardly ever gets enough time to do anything because of work, family and her 90 yr old mother needing looking after and grandaughter also lost all interest entirely.........so guess who is now Input and Output manager 24/7 and too big to ride either of them?
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