Parents moving away
Discussion
MYOB said:
Will you grandmother have anyone else, beside you, to take care of her when it’s needed?
Not really, it'll be down to me and my wife mostly. He son (my uncle) lives about an hour away and does some things, but not much. She was very upset yesterday as she doesn't know what she will do. She doesn't want to move away from us all, she would miss my kids massively, but equally can't see a future without my mothers assistance as she deteriorates (poor eyesight and getting worse).bristolbaron said:
We give selfish a negative definition. It’s absolutely selfish to put herself first, but it’s also absolutely okay to do so.
She’s living her life 365 days of the year and is making a lifestyle decision based on these days, which is the right thing to do. She is giving up close contact with family to live this life as well.
An open conversation around decision making is a good idea, but only when OP isn’t in the mindset of ‘think about what I’m losing’ rather than ‘have you considered what you’re losing’ if you move.
Thank you. This is good advice. I'm not in the right place for that just yet which is why I thought I'd open it up to the floor, so to speak. As I've mentioned, if I could do it I probably would, so I don't begrudge them, it just feels so far as someone else said. If it was a couple of hours its doable in a day or whatever, whereas this is a 10/12hr round trip. Its not something you can just do for a weekend really.She’s living her life 365 days of the year and is making a lifestyle decision based on these days, which is the right thing to do. She is giving up close contact with family to live this life as well.
An open conversation around decision making is a good idea, but only when OP isn’t in the mindset of ‘think about what I’m losing’ rather than ‘have you considered what you’re losing’ if you move.
pocketspring said:
To the people saying the OP is being selfish, let me put some experience down.
My mum was into horses way before I was born, when she was a child in fact. When my sister was born (four years before me), my mum got her into horses. When her daughter was born, my sister got her into horses.
Trust me, everything, but everything, revolves around horses. Do you know how naff it is during school holidays and most weekends, when you're a kid, to be dragged to horse shows and be bored out of your head from early morning to late evening? Do you know how awful it feels when its school sports day and you look around looking for your parents only to find they're not there because the horse needs mucking out or feeding etc? Or having to wait up to an hour to be picked up from school because "I lost track of time". Or having to eat the worst crap reduced food from the bargain bucket bin to make sure the horses got the nice food despite being out on grass most of the day and also having to pay for expensive hay and straw along with the vets bills?
We're not talking once or twice, this was a daily occurrence.
The OP has my deepest sympathies.
Ha, I can relate. It's been my whole life. The horses have always come first. I used to have to cycle to the farm when I was a kid, in the pissing rain, whilst she was at work...to get her horse out of the rain. My nan yesterday said she wishes she'd never got my mother into horses all those years ago!!!My mum was into horses way before I was born, when she was a child in fact. When my sister was born (four years before me), my mum got her into horses. When her daughter was born, my sister got her into horses.
Trust me, everything, but everything, revolves around horses. Do you know how naff it is during school holidays and most weekends, when you're a kid, to be dragged to horse shows and be bored out of your head from early morning to late evening? Do you know how awful it feels when its school sports day and you look around looking for your parents only to find they're not there because the horse needs mucking out or feeding etc? Or having to wait up to an hour to be picked up from school because "I lost track of time". Or having to eat the worst crap reduced food from the bargain bucket bin to make sure the horses got the nice food despite being out on grass most of the day and also having to pay for expensive hay and straw along with the vets bills?
We're not talking once or twice, this was a daily occurrence.
The OP has my deepest sympathies.
I can’t see they’re being selfish at all. They’ve done their job,it’s their time now.If I was lucky enough to still have my parents alive they’d go with my blessing and it’d be my turn to make the efforts to see them.
Could you persuade them to rent up there for a year first?
Could you persuade them to rent up there for a year first?
Edited by sjc on Sunday 10th September 10:15
James_33 said:
Can i be honest?
You sound like you are making this all about you and what you want as opposed to what maybe she wants?
Absolutely, my thoughts throughout.You sound like you are making this all about you and what you want as opposed to what maybe she wants?
Just be pleased for them, not enough people make significant changes in their lives - some people think everything in their own town or county is all that exists.
They probably don't want to be 'automatic' and very convenient baby sitters just because it suits you. They're probably happy with just occasional visits to see kids growing up etc.
.
Muzzer79 said:
You’re being spectacularly selfish.
Even potentially acknowledging your selfishness above, you still spin this as a potential for you to have a free place to stay and impose yourself on your parents
They have their own life - it doesn’t and shouldn’t revolve around you or whatever offspring you’ve decided to produce.
FWIW, my father is considering a move away from our area. My only concern is him having a support network in case he gets ill and needs looking after. Apart from that, it’s his life, his money and his choice.
Thank you, I think....maybe its the way the text is coming over, but I'm not meaning to be selfish. They've said about us staying with them etc, which is why they're looking at 5/6/7 bed houses. It's not me imposing myself. I'm the one saying we'd be unlikely, as a family, to stay with them due to stepdads volatility with the kids, but maybe deep down I am being selfish and that's why its coming over like that to several posters.Even potentially acknowledging your selfishness above, you still spin this as a potential for you to have a free place to stay and impose yourself on your parents
They have their own life - it doesn’t and shouldn’t revolve around you or whatever offspring you’ve decided to produce.
FWIW, my father is considering a move away from our area. My only concern is him having a support network in case he gets ill and needs looking after. Apart from that, it’s his life, his money and his choice.
sjc said:
I can’t see they’re being selfish at all. They’ve done their job,it’s their time now.If I was lucky enough to still have my parents alive they’d go with my blessing and it’d be my turn to make the efforts to see them.
Could you persuade them to went up there for a year first?
As I've said, if it was just me they'd have my blessing, but I'm concerned at what little relationship they'd have with my kids, but I suppose when you look at it objectively they don't have much of a relationship anyway..Could you persuade them to went up there for a year first?
S100HP said:
MYOB said:
Will you grandmother have anyone else, beside you, to take care of her when it’s needed?
Not really, it'll be down to me and my wife mostly. He son (my uncle) lives about an hour away and does some things, but not much. She was very upset yesterday as she doesn't know what she will do. She doesn't want to move away from us all, she would miss my kids massively, but equally can't see a future without my mothers assistance as she deteriorates (poor eyesight and getting worse).It would be unfair to expect you to do this when you are working full time and have your own family to take care of.
Bill said:
Harsh crowd in today! 
I'm sympathetic. Seems to be a cultural thing of families splitting up and going to different places. I like the idea of families sticking together where different generations can help each other. Especially older people who can need almost unlimited help. Still, not everyone is like me so good luck to S100HP whatever happens.JackJarvis said:
OP isn't happy his free childcare is being removed.
Good on them I say, life is short.
Thankfully Mother in Law does the vast majority. My mother does very occasional (5/6 times a year) babysitting when we go out for dinner or similar and I think shes picked them up from school maybe two or three times, so I'm not going to be missing too much "free child care". They've never had a sleepover with her or anything like that. I used to spend every Friday night with my Nan when I was a kid as my mother was out or horsing the following day!Good on them I say, life is short.
How old are they? From my experience I suspect they will get a shock and miss the grandchildren more than they think.
They will also find it quite difficult to make friends and probably have a domestic version of the classic expat realisation that living somewhere nice isn't like being on holiday forever. Cumbria is cold, dark and wet for months on end. Depending where you are it can take ages to get anywhere and friendly locals can be insular and even resentful.
People say 6 hours isn't the end of the world and is doable for a weekend etc but the reality is if you chuck the kids in the car outside school at 3 o'clock on the button and head straight off without stopping and the traffic is all clear you'll get there knackered at 9pm. To go back on Sunday you'll probably want to leave around lunchtime if you need to sort stuff out for the week and get an early night. So you'll have one bleary Saturday and a Sunday morning overshadowed by needing to leave.
It is doable but in my estimation neither enjoyable or sustainable. You'll probably end up going there twice a year.
Add in that if they're around 70 then things can deteriorate pretty quickly. Mine were absolutely fine until their early 70s, they are still functioning now and I hope have many years left, but they are slow, clumsy and muddle headed. If they were to undertake a 6 hour drive now I'd be worried. When my dad goes up a step ladder I'm worried. When my mother goes down the steps in the garden I'm worried. Stuff in their fridge is of more interest to archaeologists than someone looking for food.
And if one of them is rushed to hospital for something then the other will go to pieces and you being 6 hours away will not help.
Mine are very close and although that comes with its own frustrations I at least feel I can do something to help and be on hand.
Everyone is different and that sort of thing might work for some but I can see an awful lot of downsides for the benefit of a bit more space for a horse!
They will also find it quite difficult to make friends and probably have a domestic version of the classic expat realisation that living somewhere nice isn't like being on holiday forever. Cumbria is cold, dark and wet for months on end. Depending where you are it can take ages to get anywhere and friendly locals can be insular and even resentful.
People say 6 hours isn't the end of the world and is doable for a weekend etc but the reality is if you chuck the kids in the car outside school at 3 o'clock on the button and head straight off without stopping and the traffic is all clear you'll get there knackered at 9pm. To go back on Sunday you'll probably want to leave around lunchtime if you need to sort stuff out for the week and get an early night. So you'll have one bleary Saturday and a Sunday morning overshadowed by needing to leave.
It is doable but in my estimation neither enjoyable or sustainable. You'll probably end up going there twice a year.
Add in that if they're around 70 then things can deteriorate pretty quickly. Mine were absolutely fine until their early 70s, they are still functioning now and I hope have many years left, but they are slow, clumsy and muddle headed. If they were to undertake a 6 hour drive now I'd be worried. When my dad goes up a step ladder I'm worried. When my mother goes down the steps in the garden I'm worried. Stuff in their fridge is of more interest to archaeologists than someone looking for food.
And if one of them is rushed to hospital for something then the other will go to pieces and you being 6 hours away will not help.
Mine are very close and although that comes with its own frustrations I at least feel I can do something to help and be on hand.
Everyone is different and that sort of thing might work for some but I can see an awful lot of downsides for the benefit of a bit more space for a horse!
I feel you pain in a way. My parents moved to Cornwall before I was born 3 hrs away from their parents I grew with only seeing grand parents a few times a year which was ok. My children have grand parents all within 3 mile radius and have a far closer relationship with them. Your parents are entitled to move away if they choose but I'd feel the same as we see them twice a week family meals, bbq's, outings, birthdays etc etc which would not happen if they were far away. Its nice to have family close but will be a shame if they move 6 hrs away.....
It's a difficult one. That said, it doesn't sound to me like the OP is the one being selfish here, and I do wonder why the OP's parent's feel the need to chase their friends.
When I left Uni I really really didn't want to live at home. I was offered one of 4 postings in my graduate job and took the one furthest from home. My first serious girlfriend was in Manchester, I was in Southampton. I did that A43 / M6 trip every other weekend but I didn't go home much, even though it was a similar journey
When we settled down a couple of years later she wanted to stay as near to her family as she could and I still didn't want to be near home, so we ended up being 35 miles from her parents and 200 miles away from mine. We'd see her parents quite often, and when kids came along it was every friday night. Seeing mine would be a mission, especially when the kids arrived and they rarely came to ours either.
When we seperated I did everything I could to stay near my kids and saw them every weekend. My ex ultimately moved to Lincolnshire despite having no connections there, god alone knows why but she is Someone Else's Problem now. While we both have good relationships with the kids (now mid 20s, no grandkids yet) I see them a everytime a Grand Prix is on the TV and they might go north to see her once in a couple of months.
I (mid fifties now) still don't see my parents (mid 70s) that often. I don't have the space to put them up, so whether that is a factor I don't know, but all I will say is their caravan seems allergic to travelling south east of the Watford Gap.
Finally I had some friends who went from living locally & we would meet regularly to moving to a small holding 4 hours away. I see them when I go to them, which isn't that often and they are always spending half the time there working on the farm.
The point is, you see the people you want to and if you're not being seen as often as you want either put the effort in or grow a thicker skin. Having done 3 - 4 hours each way to take the kids to see my parents I would say 6 hours, at best, each way is an absolute mission especially if you have to cross the M4 corridor and get round Birmingham. You'll end up doing it at half-terms and holidays, when everyone else also is. My "record" was to my parents was 8 hours in the winter and it would often be nearer 5 than 4. I feel for the OP, I really do, but you shouldn't let it sour things.
When I left Uni I really really didn't want to live at home. I was offered one of 4 postings in my graduate job and took the one furthest from home. My first serious girlfriend was in Manchester, I was in Southampton. I did that A43 / M6 trip every other weekend but I didn't go home much, even though it was a similar journey
When we settled down a couple of years later she wanted to stay as near to her family as she could and I still didn't want to be near home, so we ended up being 35 miles from her parents and 200 miles away from mine. We'd see her parents quite often, and when kids came along it was every friday night. Seeing mine would be a mission, especially when the kids arrived and they rarely came to ours either.
When we seperated I did everything I could to stay near my kids and saw them every weekend. My ex ultimately moved to Lincolnshire despite having no connections there, god alone knows why but she is Someone Else's Problem now. While we both have good relationships with the kids (now mid 20s, no grandkids yet) I see them a everytime a Grand Prix is on the TV and they might go north to see her once in a couple of months.
I (mid fifties now) still don't see my parents (mid 70s) that often. I don't have the space to put them up, so whether that is a factor I don't know, but all I will say is their caravan seems allergic to travelling south east of the Watford Gap.
Finally I had some friends who went from living locally & we would meet regularly to moving to a small holding 4 hours away. I see them when I go to them, which isn't that often and they are always spending half the time there working on the farm.
The point is, you see the people you want to and if you're not being seen as often as you want either put the effort in or grow a thicker skin. Having done 3 - 4 hours each way to take the kids to see my parents I would say 6 hours, at best, each way is an absolute mission especially if you have to cross the M4 corridor and get round Birmingham. You'll end up doing it at half-terms and holidays, when everyone else also is. My "record" was to my parents was 8 hours in the winter and it would often be nearer 5 than 4. I feel for the OP, I really do, but you shouldn't let it sour things.
JuanCarlosFandango said:
How old are they? From my experience I suspect they will get a shock and miss the grandchildren more than they think.
They will also find it quite difficult to make friends and probably have a domestic version of the classic expat realisation that living somewhere nice isn't like being on holiday forever. Cumbria is cold, dark and wet for months on end. Depending where you are it can take ages to get anywhere and friendly locals can be insular and even resentful.
People say 6 hours isn't the end of the world and is doable for a weekend etc but the reality is if you chuck the kids in the car outside school at 3 o'clock on the button and head straight off without stopping and the traffic is all clear you'll get there knackered at 9pm. To go back on Sunday you'll probably want to leave around lunchtime if you need to sort stuff out for the week and get an early night. So you'll have one bleary Saturday and a Sunday morning overshadowed by needing to leave.
It is doable but in my estimation neither enjoyable or sustainable. You'll probably end up going there twice a year.
Add in that if they're around 70 then things can deteriorate pretty quickly. Mine were absolutely fine until their early 70s, they are still functioning now and I hope have many years left, but they are slow, clumsy and muddle headed. If they were to undertake a 6 hour drive now I'd be worried. When my dad goes up a step ladder I'm worried. When my mother goes down the steps in the garden I'm worried. Stuff in their fridge is of more interest to archaeologists than someone looking for food.
And if one of them is rushed to hospital for something then the other will go to pieces and you being 6 hours away will not help.
Mine are very close and although that comes with its own frustrations I at least feel I can do something to help and be on hand.
Everyone is different and that sort of thing might work for some but I can see an awful lot of downsides for the benefit of a bit more space for a horse!
You've articulated my thoughts really well there. Stepdad is 65 and in poor health, ex smoker, COPD, Type 1 Diabetic. Mother is 62. They're not old, but if things go south its not like I can pop round and help out. They couldn't start the mower the other day, I was dropping something off to them and they mentioned it in passing, I got it started immediately. They'll only have their friends who recently moved there too. They'll have no support network as they age and I can't drop everything to help them.They will also find it quite difficult to make friends and probably have a domestic version of the classic expat realisation that living somewhere nice isn't like being on holiday forever. Cumbria is cold, dark and wet for months on end. Depending where you are it can take ages to get anywhere and friendly locals can be insular and even resentful.
People say 6 hours isn't the end of the world and is doable for a weekend etc but the reality is if you chuck the kids in the car outside school at 3 o'clock on the button and head straight off without stopping and the traffic is all clear you'll get there knackered at 9pm. To go back on Sunday you'll probably want to leave around lunchtime if you need to sort stuff out for the week and get an early night. So you'll have one bleary Saturday and a Sunday morning overshadowed by needing to leave.
It is doable but in my estimation neither enjoyable or sustainable. You'll probably end up going there twice a year.
Add in that if they're around 70 then things can deteriorate pretty quickly. Mine were absolutely fine until their early 70s, they are still functioning now and I hope have many years left, but they are slow, clumsy and muddle headed. If they were to undertake a 6 hour drive now I'd be worried. When my dad goes up a step ladder I'm worried. When my mother goes down the steps in the garden I'm worried. Stuff in their fridge is of more interest to archaeologists than someone looking for food.
And if one of them is rushed to hospital for something then the other will go to pieces and you being 6 hours away will not help.
Mine are very close and although that comes with its own frustrations I at least feel I can do something to help and be on hand.
Everyone is different and that sort of thing might work for some but I can see an awful lot of downsides for the benefit of a bit more space for a horse!
At the moment I see maybe a week stay as a family during the summer holidays, and then me taking my Nan up, staying for a few days, leaving her there and then coming to collect her a month or so later, a couple of times a year if she stays here.
MYOB said:
S100HP said:
MYOB said:
Will you grandmother have anyone else, beside you, to take care of her when it’s needed?
Not really, it'll be down to me and my wife mostly. He son (my uncle) lives about an hour away and does some things, but not much. She was very upset yesterday as she doesn't know what she will do. She doesn't want to move away from us all, she would miss my kids massively, but equally can't see a future without my mothers assistance as she deteriorates (poor eyesight and getting worse).It would be unfair to expect you to do this when you are working full time and have your own family to take care of.
glennjamin said:
.....My children have grand parents all within 3 mile radius and have a far closer relationship with them. Your parents are entitled to move away if they choose but I'd feel the same as we see them twice a week family meals, bbq's, outings, birthdays etc etc which would not happen if they were far away. Its nice to have family close but will be a shame if they move 6 hrs away.....
We'd be the grandparents in that story - our two daughters and their families live 3 liles either side of us. To be honest, I think we're a bit too handy - we've had one lot or the other of grandchildren pretty well every weekend over summer, there's one lot here now. But my wife gave up work to be around for them.
If it was up to me I'd probably emigrate, but we have quite a few friends whose kids have all moved away or emigrated and are almost angry with jealousy for having our grandchildren so close. Some grandparents just aren't into though - our young lady dentist told her us her mum said she's available in an absolute emergency but that's it.
Again have you considered it may simply be the "just spent a week away in the sunshine with friends" thing that happens with lots of people after a holiday?
Maybe a little too much Escape to the Country and A Place in the Sun etc.
Just gently highlighting that lots of people will have those thoughts but it's not quite the same thing as a For Sale sign being driven into the ground
Maybe a little too much Escape to the Country and A Place in the Sun etc.
Just gently highlighting that lots of people will have those thoughts but it's not quite the same thing as a For Sale sign being driven into the ground
S100HP said:
As I've said, if it was just me they'd have my blessing, but I'm concerned at what little relationship they'd have with my kids, but I suppose when you look at it objectively they don't have much of a relationship anyway..
But it’s up to your Mum and step dad to decide what relationship they have with your kids. If they don’t want to be close to them, that’s perhaps a little sad, but it’s their life and their choice. Their your kids, not theirs. I don’t see why you’d be pissed off at it.
What's interesting to me is that at one time I'd have been absolutely on the side of saying it's their life, their choice etc and the OP is selfishly wanting to keep things how they are because it suits him.
That's actually turned upside down for me now. I think the OP is actually being very sensible and considerate in trying to keep the family together with kids and grandparents part of each other's lives. The selfishness is that sort of atomistic individualism which says "life's too short" and people should do what they want, as though a paddock in Cumbria is more likely to make you "happy" than seeing your grandchildren grow up.
That's actually turned upside down for me now. I think the OP is actually being very sensible and considerate in trying to keep the family together with kids and grandparents part of each other's lives. The selfishness is that sort of atomistic individualism which says "life's too short" and people should do what they want, as though a paddock in Cumbria is more likely to make you "happy" than seeing your grandchildren grow up.
JuanCarlosFandango said:
What's interesting to me is that at one time I'd have been absolutely on the side of saying it's their life, their choice etc and the OP is selfishly wanting to keep things how they are because it suits him.
That's actually turned upside down for me now. I think the OP is actually being very sensible and considerate in trying to keep the family together with kids and grandparents part of each other's lives. The selfishness is that sort of atomistic individualism which says "life's too short" and people should do what they want, as though a paddock in Cumbria is more likely to make you "happy" than seeing your grandchildren grow up.
You don't get to decide what others want from life.That's actually turned upside down for me now. I think the OP is actually being very sensible and considerate in trying to keep the family together with kids and grandparents part of each other's lives. The selfishness is that sort of atomistic individualism which says "life's too short" and people should do what they want, as though a paddock in Cumbria is more likely to make you "happy" than seeing your grandchildren grow up.
Bill said:
Harsh crowd in today!
Very British/western crowd. I suspect many non western cultures would empathise more with the OP and think the mother was being selfish. My mother and step father moved to Saudi when my younger sister was about 18. Just palmed her off to my older sister to look after.
My mother was obsessed with horses too (even though we couldn’t afford one she had them). Horsey women put humans second, even their own children.
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