Parents moving away
Discussion
I've thought about posting this for a few days, no doubt opening myself up for ridicule but sometimes "its good to talk", and it might be good to get some other perspective from people who have been in a similar situation.
For clarity, I'm a 40 year old bloke with a wife and 2 kids (10 & 6). We live on the South Coast. Her parents and my mother/stepdad live local (within 5 miles). My dad/step-mum are also within 15 miles. My only surviving grandparent (Nan) also lives in this area.
My mothers close friend has recently moved to Cumbria, and she/stepdad went to visit them last week and really enjoyed the area. My mother is horsey which is obviously a lifestyle etc, and whilst she has that here (stables in the garden, field down the lane opposite and riding straight out onto the New Forest) they have decided they too are aiming to move to Cumbria, near to their friends. They can sell their lovely house down here, by a place with land etc up there.
Whilst ultimately its nothing to do with me, I'm struggling with this idea. I flit between being really positive for them and really pissed off. They were fairly negative about their friends moving initially and didn't understand why they were doing it.
On the one hand I totally see the positives. The scenery is incredible, its quieter, you get more for your money (not that they need more, as they're not doing it to downsize or release capital) and they will be near their closest friends. My stepdad is originally from Newcastle area and his sister is still up there.
...but on the other hand I'm finding the idea incredibly selfish on their part. It seems that horsey lifestyle takes priority for her (as it has done my whole life tbf) and she is willing to move 300 miles, 6hr drive away from us and my kids so she can play horses.
Whilst she hasn't been the greatest grandparent to my kids, she has always been local. She obviously loves them dearly and is always good with them, and we can pop in whenever. She comes and looks after them occasionally when we go out, very occasionally picks them up from school if we need help, comes to school plays, that kind of stuff. They've never had a sleepover there as my stepdad isn't the most tolerant with kids. She also lives just around the corner from her mother, whos eyesight is failing and is in the latter years of her life. Shes just about clinging onto independence...
I'm really struggling to get my head round the mentality of her to move that far away from us all. Just to up sticks and move 6hrs away from my kids mostly. She'll barely see them. Its not like we can just pop up for a weekend, due to the distance, and even if we could we'd be very unlikely to be able to stay with them due to the way my stepdad is with the kids. At a guess we'd probably manage a 5 day trip once a year and then maybe I'd pop up on my own once or twice a year, delivering my Nan up there and then collecting her some weeks later maybe, assuming she doesn't move too (she called me in tears yesterday as its thrown things up in the air for her too)
The thing is, if I could move to Wales, the Isle of Wight or Devon (for example) I probably would, so I don't begrudge them moving to somewhere new and exciting, but its just so far away! I'm just really struggling to get my head around this.
I mean there is a possibility she hates us all and is trying to get as far away as possible so she doesn't have to see us....
For clarity, I'm a 40 year old bloke with a wife and 2 kids (10 & 6). We live on the South Coast. Her parents and my mother/stepdad live local (within 5 miles). My dad/step-mum are also within 15 miles. My only surviving grandparent (Nan) also lives in this area.
My mothers close friend has recently moved to Cumbria, and she/stepdad went to visit them last week and really enjoyed the area. My mother is horsey which is obviously a lifestyle etc, and whilst she has that here (stables in the garden, field down the lane opposite and riding straight out onto the New Forest) they have decided they too are aiming to move to Cumbria, near to their friends. They can sell their lovely house down here, by a place with land etc up there.
Whilst ultimately its nothing to do with me, I'm struggling with this idea. I flit between being really positive for them and really pissed off. They were fairly negative about their friends moving initially and didn't understand why they were doing it.
On the one hand I totally see the positives. The scenery is incredible, its quieter, you get more for your money (not that they need more, as they're not doing it to downsize or release capital) and they will be near their closest friends. My stepdad is originally from Newcastle area and his sister is still up there.
...but on the other hand I'm finding the idea incredibly selfish on their part. It seems that horsey lifestyle takes priority for her (as it has done my whole life tbf) and she is willing to move 300 miles, 6hr drive away from us and my kids so she can play horses.
Whilst she hasn't been the greatest grandparent to my kids, she has always been local. She obviously loves them dearly and is always good with them, and we can pop in whenever. She comes and looks after them occasionally when we go out, very occasionally picks them up from school if we need help, comes to school plays, that kind of stuff. They've never had a sleepover there as my stepdad isn't the most tolerant with kids. She also lives just around the corner from her mother, whos eyesight is failing and is in the latter years of her life. Shes just about clinging onto independence...
I'm really struggling to get my head round the mentality of her to move that far away from us all. Just to up sticks and move 6hrs away from my kids mostly. She'll barely see them. Its not like we can just pop up for a weekend, due to the distance, and even if we could we'd be very unlikely to be able to stay with them due to the way my stepdad is with the kids. At a guess we'd probably manage a 5 day trip once a year and then maybe I'd pop up on my own once or twice a year, delivering my Nan up there and then collecting her some weeks later maybe, assuming she doesn't move too (she called me in tears yesterday as its thrown things up in the air for her too)
The thing is, if I could move to Wales, the Isle of Wight or Devon (for example) I probably would, so I don't begrudge them moving to somewhere new and exciting, but its just so far away! I'm just really struggling to get my head around this.
I mean there is a possibility she hates us all and is trying to get as far away as possible so she doesn't have to see us....
In the grand scheme of things 6hrs really isn't that far to see a parent / grandparents. It's always interesting when you hear Americans saying a friend that lives 2-3hrs away is 'close' but in the UK people seem to think its a near impossible distance to travel to see someone.
If she can come and see you every other month and you visit her once a month your kids will get to see their grandparents every month and get a change of scenery from the south coast
If she can come and see you every other month and you visit her once a month your kids will get to see their grandparents every month and get a change of scenery from the south coast
Crudeoink said:
In the grand scheme of things 6hrs really isn't that far to see a parent / grandparents. It's always interesting when you hear Americans saying a friend that lives 2-3hrs away is 'close' but in the UK people seem to think its a near impossible distance to travel to see someone.
If she can come and see you every other month and you visit her once a month your kids will get to see their grandparents every month and get a change of scenery from the south coast
Thank you. A fair point but visits from her down here will be non-existent as we've no space for them to stay, and she couldn't/wouldn't leave the horse. I just cant see when they'll ever see them.If she can come and see you every other month and you visit her once a month your kids will get to see their grandparents every month and get a change of scenery from the south coast
Not to patronise but I doubt they're the first people to go somewhere for a week/weekend and come home thinking "we really want to move there".
Could just be a few months ahead of weekends up there house hunting and it all turns into a bit of a damp squib when the novelty wears off and/or a bit of reality kicks in around some of the practical elements like you being further from them as they get older and may rely on you more etc.
I guess I'm just saying I wouldn't take it as a done deal
Could just be a few months ahead of weekends up there house hunting and it all turns into a bit of a damp squib when the novelty wears off and/or a bit of reality kicks in around some of the practical elements like you being further from them as they get older and may rely on you more etc.
I guess I'm just saying I wouldn't take it as a done deal
Its only Cumbria, not the end of the world (literally and figuratively). Certainly do-able for a weekend and there are loads of very nice places to stay in Cumbria ... albeit the weathers not the greatest at most times there.
For reference on my POV; My parents retired and became perennial travellers spending most of their time in Asia - they have given zero f
ks about lack of contact with my daughter, thats their choice, they have always been quite vocal that when people choose to have kids thats their decision and they would not be prepared to do the whole babysitting/childminding thing ... very selfish on their part, but equally they worked pretty good jobs internationally, didnt palm my sister and I onto anyone, and have now 'earned' the right to be selfish and live the rest of their lives how they desire.
Im not saying I agree, but its just a harsh reality.
For reference on my POV; My parents retired and became perennial travellers spending most of their time in Asia - they have given zero f
ks about lack of contact with my daughter, thats their choice, they have always been quite vocal that when people choose to have kids thats their decision and they would not be prepared to do the whole babysitting/childminding thing ... very selfish on their part, but equally they worked pretty good jobs internationally, didnt palm my sister and I onto anyone, and have now 'earned' the right to be selfish and live the rest of their lives how they desire. Im not saying I agree, but its just a harsh reality.
If you want your kids to have a relationship, you are going to have to send them on the train, every holiday to go and help out granny on her farm.
In 2001, my parents retired. They moved to Ynys Mon, (Anglesey for the rest of us) from Solihull.
I suggested they move near us, and said that our kids would form a better bond with them if they were local. But no. They moved only 2.5 hours away.
I reckon that on average we have seen them 3 or 4 times a year. And my kids, now grown up, would never think to visit them, without it being arranged for some special family occasion that they might feel obliged to attend.
Until my wife's parents died, they lived 1 mile away, and our kids would pop in on the way home from school, or if they were a bit bored. Probably saw them 50 times a year.
But now I'm looking at it differently.
We have realised that we have no reason to live where we live. Kids are 1 hour away and 3 hours away, and to see our grandson requires an invite, and calendars coinciding, but at the same time we'd like to retire to somewhere with a costal view. Following a holiday in Arran, we looked at the pros and cons of this. 6 or 8 hours to get to our kids. I think my wife would love to be able to pop around to both. But one is in Manchester and could end up anywhere. and the other Bromsgrove.
We will probably end up moving when I retire in 4 years, but it won't be coastal because family is more important to my wife. I don't care where I live and look at the pros and cons with little emotion. I just want a bigger garage, and fresh air and a decent hospital nearby.
AND A NEIGHBOUR who is not Stoned.
On the other hand, why shouldn't people live where they want to live? I was angry with my parents for 20 years. But they've loved living where they live, and it's thier life.
In 2001, my parents retired. They moved to Ynys Mon, (Anglesey for the rest of us) from Solihull.
I suggested they move near us, and said that our kids would form a better bond with them if they were local. But no. They moved only 2.5 hours away.
I reckon that on average we have seen them 3 or 4 times a year. And my kids, now grown up, would never think to visit them, without it being arranged for some special family occasion that they might feel obliged to attend.
Until my wife's parents died, they lived 1 mile away, and our kids would pop in on the way home from school, or if they were a bit bored. Probably saw them 50 times a year.
But now I'm looking at it differently.
We have realised that we have no reason to live where we live. Kids are 1 hour away and 3 hours away, and to see our grandson requires an invite, and calendars coinciding, but at the same time we'd like to retire to somewhere with a costal view. Following a holiday in Arran, we looked at the pros and cons of this. 6 or 8 hours to get to our kids. I think my wife would love to be able to pop around to both. But one is in Manchester and could end up anywhere. and the other Bromsgrove.
We will probably end up moving when I retire in 4 years, but it won't be coastal because family is more important to my wife. I don't care where I live and look at the pros and cons with little emotion. I just want a bigger garage, and fresh air and a decent hospital nearby.
AND A NEIGHBOUR who is not Stoned.
On the other hand, why shouldn't people live where they want to live? I was angry with my parents for 20 years. But they've loved living where they live, and it's thier life.
Crudeoink said:
In the grand scheme of things 6hrs really isn't that far to see a parent / grandparents. It's always interesting when you hear Americans saying a friend that lives 2-3hrs away is 'close' but in the UK people seem to think its a near impossible distance to travel to see someone.
If she can come and see you every other month and you visit her once a month your kids will get to see their grandparents every month and get a change of scenery from the south coast
There's quite a difference between 3 and 6 hours each way. Assuming you leave after work then it's a 11pm arrival at best, then leaving after lunch to get the kids to bed for school the next day. And that's a clear run.If she can come and see you every other month and you visit her once a month your kids will get to see their grandparents every month and get a change of scenery from the south coast
James_33 said:
Can i be honest?
You sound like you are making this all about you and what you want as opposed to what maybe she wants?
I can't help but read it the same way - albeit the move will no doubt impact on the kids also and their relationship with their grandparents. You sound like you are making this all about you and what you want as opposed to what maybe she wants?
Ultimately, however, it is their life and they shouldn't be criticised for the decisions they make IMO, whether they are selfish or otherwise. When I was about 20, my parents moved to Spain where they remained for about a decade. In that time, I moved from one side of the UK to the other myself. I think its unhealthy to have geographical ties purely based on people that live nearby, but then I don't have children and can see how that alters things.
Shnozz said:
James_33 said:
Can i be honest?
You sound like you are making this all about you and what you want as opposed to what maybe she wants?
I can't help but read it the same way - albeit the move will no doubt impact on the kids also and their relationship with their grandparents. You sound like you are making this all about you and what you want as opposed to what maybe she wants?
Ultimately, however, it is their life and they shouldn't be criticised for the decisions they make IMO, whether they are selfish or otherwise. When I was about 20, my parents moved to Spain where they remained for about a decade. In that time, I moved from one side of the UK to the other myself. I think its unhealthy to have geographical ties purely based on people that live nearby, but then I don't have children and can see how that alters things.
Does that makes her selfish? Not in my book.
LimmerickLad said:
They may be parents / grandparents but they are also human beings as well and entitled to live their lives as they see fit and, IMO you should encourage them to do so not put your own emotional barriers in their way.
From their point of view, I have no issue with them moving. I jokingly suggested it in the first place and sent them a link to a property when they were there and clearly enjoying it, and I will continue to encourage them if that is the path they wish to take, despite my reservations.deckster said:
Shnozz said:
James_33 said:
Can i be honest?
You sound like you are making this all about you and what you want as opposed to what maybe she wants?
I can't help but read it the same way - albeit the move will no doubt impact on the kids also and their relationship with their grandparents. You sound like you are making this all about you and what you want as opposed to what maybe she wants?
Ultimately, however, it is their life and they shouldn't be criticised for the decisions they make IMO, whether they are selfish or otherwise. When I was about 20, my parents moved to Spain where they remained for about a decade. In that time, I moved from one side of the UK to the other myself. I think its unhealthy to have geographical ties purely based on people that live nearby, but then I don't have children and can see how that alters things.
Does that makes her selfish? Not in my book.
deckster said:
Agree with this. It sounds like the OP is seeing things entirely from his own perspective rather than considering what his mum wants out of life. It seems to me that what she wants now is to live her life for the things that she wants, rather than just being somebody's mum.
Does that makes her selfish? Not in my book.
We give selfish a negative definition. It’s absolutely selfish to put herself first, but it’s also absolutely okay to do so. Does that makes her selfish? Not in my book.
She’s living her life 365 days of the year and is making a lifestyle decision based on these days, which is the right thing to do. She is giving up close contact with family to live this life as well.
An open conversation around decision making is a good idea, but only when OP isn’t in the mindset of ‘think about what I’m losing’ rather than ‘have you considered what you’re losing’ if you move.
Bill said:
Crudeoink said:
In the grand scheme of things 6hrs really isn't that far to see a parent / grandparents. It's always interesting when you hear Americans saying a friend that lives 2-3hrs away is 'close' but in the UK people seem to think its a near impossible distance to travel to see someone.
If she can come and see you every other month and you visit her once a month your kids will get to see their grandparents every month and get a change of scenery from the south coast
There's quite a difference between 3 and 6 hours each way. Assuming you leave after work then it's a 11pm arrival at best, then leaving after lunch to get the kids to bed for school the next day. And that's a clear run.If she can come and see you every other month and you visit her once a month your kids will get to see their grandparents every month and get a change of scenery from the south coast
They see far more of my brother's family who are two hours away. Two hours means: leave after breakfast getting there for lunch on Saturday, leave after dinner Sunday making it home for bedtime. Or even a day trip. 5-6 hours means staying for a few days minimum to make the travelling time worthwhile. It's a significant difference
BTW: I'm not commenting on the OP's situation either way, just that (in reply to Crudeoink) you won't want to travel that distance once a month with a family
Edited by InfoRetrieval on Sunday 10th September 09:40
To the people saying the OP is being selfish, let me put some experience down.
My mum was into horses way before I was born, when she was a child in fact. When my sister was born (four years before me), my mum got her into horses. When her daughter was born, my sister got her into horses.
Trust me, everything, but everything, revolves around horses. Do you know how naff it is during school holidays and most weekends, when you're a kid, to be dragged to horse shows and be bored out of your head from early morning to late evening? Do you know how awful it feels when its school sports day and you look around looking for your parents only to find they're not there because the horse needs mucking out or feeding etc? Or having to wait up to an hour to be picked up from school because "I lost track of time". Or having to eat the worst crap reduced food from the bargain bucket bin to make sure the horses got the nice food despite being out on grass most of the day and also having to pay for expensive hay and straw along with the vets bills?
We're not talking once or twice, this was a daily occurrence.
The OP has my deepest sympathies.
My mum was into horses way before I was born, when she was a child in fact. When my sister was born (four years before me), my mum got her into horses. When her daughter was born, my sister got her into horses.
Trust me, everything, but everything, revolves around horses. Do you know how naff it is during school holidays and most weekends, when you're a kid, to be dragged to horse shows and be bored out of your head from early morning to late evening? Do you know how awful it feels when its school sports day and you look around looking for your parents only to find they're not there because the horse needs mucking out or feeding etc? Or having to wait up to an hour to be picked up from school because "I lost track of time". Or having to eat the worst crap reduced food from the bargain bucket bin to make sure the horses got the nice food despite being out on grass most of the day and also having to pay for expensive hay and straw along with the vets bills?
We're not talking once or twice, this was a daily occurrence.
The OP has my deepest sympathies.
I always find it interesting to see other people's outlook on things... When I was young we used to live fairly close to my grandparents, but then moved to the Alps for health reasons (fresh air should help with asthma). That was about 600 miles away.
Jumping forward in time a bit, I moved to the UK, and until fairly recently my parents were in opposite side of France and my wife's parents lived in Abu Dhabi. My dad now lives in Crete...
Sure, I'd love to be able to pop round for Sunday lunch, but everybody does what makes them happy, and we just work around it.
So when I read the OP, my first thought was 6 hours drive? How will you ever cope?
ETA: I meant to add, my mum has a very good relationship with my 2yo niece who lives about 10 hours' drive away. The kids will not have the same relationships as they do with grandparents who live close by but they will still form strong bonds.
And as for not being able to stay with them, that's what Airbnb is for.
Jumping forward in time a bit, I moved to the UK, and until fairly recently my parents were in opposite side of France and my wife's parents lived in Abu Dhabi. My dad now lives in Crete...
Sure, I'd love to be able to pop round for Sunday lunch, but everybody does what makes them happy, and we just work around it.
So when I read the OP, my first thought was 6 hours drive? How will you ever cope?
ETA: I meant to add, my mum has a very good relationship with my 2yo niece who lives about 10 hours' drive away. The kids will not have the same relationships as they do with grandparents who live close by but they will still form strong bonds.
And as for not being able to stay with them, that's what Airbnb is for.
Edited by Alex@POD on Sunday 10th September 09:52
S100HP said:
From their point of view, I have no issue with them moving. I jokingly suggested it in the first place and sent them a link to a property when they were there and clearly enjoying it, and I will continue to encourage them if that is the path they wish to take, despite my reservations.
Ultimately, however, it is their life and they shouldn't be criticised for the decisions they make IMO, whether they are selfish or otherwise. When I was about 20, my parents moved to Spain where they remained for about a decade. In that time, I moved from one side of the UK to the other myself. I think its unhealthy to have geographical ties purely based on people that live nearby, but then I don't have children and can see how that alters things.Agree with this. It sounds like the OP is seeing things entirely from his own perspective rather than considering what his mum wants out of life. It seems to me that what she wants now is to live her life for the things that she wants, rather than just being somebody's mum.
Does that makes her selfish? Not in my book.Thank you. I was concerned that is how it might come over and maybe I am being selfish, but if it was just me it was impacting I'd not really care. From my point of view I'm quite excited about having a free place to stay up there, I'll take my bike, my running shoes and my dog and go riding/running whenever I visit them. I went off to France when I was younger and I said earlier I'd happily move to other areas now so being apart isn't an issue. My main concern really is their relationship with my kids I guess, and the fact that she'll hardly ever see them, especially as us all staying with them isn't really viable due to stepdads volatility with the kids. Maybe you're right. Maybe I'm being the selfish one here, not her...
You’re being spectacularly selfish.deckster said:
Shnozz said:
James_33 said:
Can i be honest?
You sound like you are making this all about you and what you want as opposed to what maybe she wants?
I can't help but read it the same way - albeit the move will no doubt impact on the kids also and their relationship with their grandparents. You sound like you are making this all about you and what you want as opposed to what maybe she wants?
Ultimately, however, it is their life and they shouldn't be criticised for the decisions they make IMO, whether they are selfish or otherwise. When I was about 20, my parents moved to Spain where they remained for about a decade. In that time, I moved from one side of the UK to the other myself. I think its unhealthy to have geographical ties purely based on people that live nearby, but then I don't have children and can see how that alters things.
Does that makes her selfish? Not in my book.
Even potentially acknowledging your selfishness above, you still spin this as a potential for you to have a free place to stay and impose yourself on your parents
They have their own life - it doesn’t and shouldn’t revolve around you or whatever offspring you’ve decided to produce.
FWIW, my father is considering a move away from our area. My only concern is him having a support network in case he gets ill and needs looking after. Apart from that, it’s his life, his money and his choice.
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