Your inappropriate moments
Discussion
I am sure we have all said or done things where we get a wierd look, room goes silent, etc. Those moments where you just wish you could take it back. What's yours?
Years ago on a school camp, we were caving and had to crawl through a few smallish gaps. 20 of us were kept waiting because one bloke was to large to get through and had to find another path. I decided to let everyone know he should lose some weight and stop waiting everyone's time.
Silently farted at a party once. Priceless look on this girl's face trying to remain composed.
Years ago on a school camp, we were caving and had to crawl through a few smallish gaps. 20 of us were kept waiting because one bloke was to large to get through and had to find another path. I decided to let everyone know he should lose some weight and stop waiting everyone's time.
Silently farted at a party once. Priceless look on this girl's face trying to remain composed.
I have blown off loudly, whilst on the phone, forgetting I was on the phone (to a client).
Several times over the years.
Say nothing, they wont either. You do wonder whether they heard it and what they are thinking though.
Getting caught picking my nose in the mirror, behind her back whilst hugging a girl, also springs to mind.
Several times over the years.
Say nothing, they wont either. You do wonder whether they heard it and what they are thinking though.
Getting caught picking my nose in the mirror, behind her back whilst hugging a girl, also springs to mind.
I still cringe when I think about this. Several years ago I was seeing a girl for a few weeks before we split up. The next week she died in a motorbike accident. After the funeral, there was a get together in the pub and her dad was chatting to me. Obviously emotions were running high, and through his tears he was saying how he knew we weren't together when she died but he would have been proud to have me as a son in law.
I could hear my reply coming out of my mouth as I was saying it, in my head I was screaming at myself to shut up but the words still came out.
"At least you didn't have to pay for a wedding"
I could hear my reply coming out of my mouth as I was saying it, in my head I was screaming at myself to shut up but the words still came out.
"At least you didn't have to pay for a wedding"
Distant said:
I still cringe when I think about this. Several years ago I was seeing a girl for a few weeks before we split up. The next week she died in a motorbike accident. After the funeral, there was a get together in the pub and her dad was chatting to me. Obviously emotions were running high, and through his tears he was saying how he knew we weren't together when she died but he would have been proud to have me as a son in law.
I could hear my reply coming out of my mouth as I was saying it, in my head I was screaming at myself to shut up but the words still came out.
"At least you didn't have to pay for a wedding"
I really, really shouldn't but I could hear my reply coming out of my mouth as I was saying it, in my head I was screaming at myself to shut up but the words still came out.
"At least you didn't have to pay for a wedding"
I was in for my yellow belt in karate, aged probably around 9 or 10. It was a group exam, there were 5 or 6 of us and we had to do the moves going down the length of the church hall while the other 20'odd kids watched and waited for their turn. It starts with an arm block, couple of upper body moves, another few blocks from behind before moving on to legs, one of which is a sideways lunge type kick that you hold out your leg for, thrust kick with power.
So, did the upper body ones no problem, but half way through the block and moving towards the sidewayslungekickofpower I felt a fart coming, quickly. Just at the moment that my leg extended my stomach shouted at my arse to release the beast. It was like an elephant throwing it's trunk up and screaming before making a charge, a real high pitched squeal of a fart that started somewhere up in the Mariah Carey range of notes.
As I desperately tried to hold it back and keep my leg extended, by now, and we're only talking split seconds, my other leg was showing signs of the effort my body needed to try and balance an extended leg and stop another fart coming. Apparently I was gurning at the time, when my knee gave way and I fell to the floor like a sack of spuds, surrounded by laughing and pointing from the other kids. I didnt get the pleasure of the second fart either, it ghosted on me
Another time at school I was due to sing in the christmas choir, held at 7 pm. My parents took us to the school hall, and unknown to me, I'd stepped in some dog s
t between the car park and the school. I realised once I was in the light of a school classroom that this was quite a lot of dog st, must have been an angry dog to turn out something a camel would have been proud of. Or maybe the dog was hopping around wincing and whining at the turd it'd just snuck out.
Anyway, I had a lot of st on my shoes, and felt that feeling of fear, embarrassment and heart race creeping up my body, turning my face red. I decided to play it cool, and sit on the desk, then wipe the soles of my shoes on the chair leg. That got some off, but now there was st on the chair. No matter, we're heading to the hall now, all in a line, ready to start the opening song, proud parents in the audience looking for their kids and waving
It was just as we were lining up that one of the teachers noticed a stty brown footprint going across the floor, around 8 of them infact. Just as in CSI, she bent down and studied it, head on one side trying to work out what the substance was. She reached into her pocket, pulled out a tissue and wiped it over the edge of a Clarks size 5 before moving it towards her nose.
The smell must have reached her before the tissue did, because she recoiled with a jump, straight in to the head master behind her, who grabbed her round the waist, before her weight (which was considerable) took them both backwards into the video camera.
At this point, everyone in the hall has seen what's happened, and they're made the leap from working out the teacher just stuck st under her nose, to following the remaining footprints. Straight to me. A homing beacon of dog st footprints led straight to me, glowing bright red, on the verge of crying and looking so far past everyone that a 1000 yard stare doesnt even come close. I dont remember singing anything that night, I must have done something, but all I wanted to do was go home and never go back to school again.
It was fine about 3 months later though, once people had moved on to the guy who shagged a frozen chicken
So, did the upper body ones no problem, but half way through the block and moving towards the sidewayslungekickofpower I felt a fart coming, quickly. Just at the moment that my leg extended my stomach shouted at my arse to release the beast. It was like an elephant throwing it's trunk up and screaming before making a charge, a real high pitched squeal of a fart that started somewhere up in the Mariah Carey range of notes.
As I desperately tried to hold it back and keep my leg extended, by now, and we're only talking split seconds, my other leg was showing signs of the effort my body needed to try and balance an extended leg and stop another fart coming. Apparently I was gurning at the time, when my knee gave way and I fell to the floor like a sack of spuds, surrounded by laughing and pointing from the other kids. I didnt get the pleasure of the second fart either, it ghosted on me
Another time at school I was due to sing in the christmas choir, held at 7 pm. My parents took us to the school hall, and unknown to me, I'd stepped in some dog s
t between the car park and the school. I realised once I was in the light of a school classroom that this was quite a lot of dog st, must have been an angry dog to turn out something a camel would have been proud of. Or maybe the dog was hopping around wincing and whining at the turd it'd just snuck out. Anyway, I had a lot of s
t on my shoes, and felt that feeling of fear, embarrassment and heart race creeping up my body, turning my face red. I decided to play it cool, and sit on the desk, then wipe the soles of my shoes on the chair leg. That got some off, but now there was st on the chair. No matter, we're heading to the hall now, all in a line, ready to start the opening song, proud parents in the audience looking for their kids and wavingIt was just as we were lining up that one of the teachers noticed a s
tty brown footprint going across the floor, around 8 of them infact. Just as in CSI, she bent down and studied it, head on one side trying to work out what the substance was. She reached into her pocket, pulled out a tissue and wiped it over the edge of a Clarks size 5 before moving it towards her nose. The smell must have reached her before the tissue did, because she recoiled with a jump, straight in to the head master behind her, who grabbed her round the waist, before her weight (which was considerable) took them both backwards into the video camera.
At this point, everyone in the hall has seen what's happened, and they're made the leap from working out the teacher just stuck s
t under her nose, to following the remaining footprints. Straight to me. A homing beacon of dog st footprints led straight to me, glowing bright red, on the verge of crying and looking so far past everyone that a 1000 yard stare doesnt even come close. I dont remember singing anything that night, I must have done something, but all I wanted to do was go home and never go back to school again. It was fine about 3 months later though, once people had moved on to the guy who shagged a frozen chicken
Edited by andy-xr on Sunday 12th May 07:23
When I first met my in-laws I had a very bad moment, this took years to get past.
We went around had a cup of tea all very nice, the problem came when I left, we went from the lounge to the kitchen where the dog was, the dog was a Staffy puppy and it ran around my feet, I remembered the family Doberman as a kid, if you grabbed its nose and darted on it its ears shot up, thinking we were alone I did this to the Staffy, to my disappointment its ears didn't move, to my horror the in-laws had choose that moment to follow us into the kitchen, the look of horror on their faces was priceless, this could be why it took years for them to accept me.
This sounds an unlikely story but I promise you its true, this happened 13 years ago and amazingly the dog is still going, I don't fart on him these days.
We went around had a cup of tea all very nice, the problem came when I left, we went from the lounge to the kitchen where the dog was, the dog was a Staffy puppy and it ran around my feet, I remembered the family Doberman as a kid, if you grabbed its nose and darted on it its ears shot up, thinking we were alone I did this to the Staffy, to my disappointment its ears didn't move, to my horror the in-laws had choose that moment to follow us into the kitchen, the look of horror on their faces was priceless, this could be why it took years for them to accept me.
This sounds an unlikely story but I promise you its true, this happened 13 years ago and amazingly the dog is still going, I don't fart on him these days.
Late 90s and a good friend of mine passed away, his father was also my manager at the factory I worked at.
After the service, we are all coming out of the church, the family are standing there thanking people for coming, I get to my friends father/my boss, he thanks me for coming.
My reply " oh that's ok Dave, anything for a paid day off work"
I still cringe now, every time I think about it.
After the service, we are all coming out of the church, the family are standing there thanking people for coming, I get to my friends father/my boss, he thanks me for coming.
My reply " oh that's ok Dave, anything for a paid day off work"
I still cringe now, every time I think about it.
Two that involved farting and girls.
One of our neighbours asked if I could go through something with her (sexy) daughter on our computer. Were sitting there side by side in front of the pc when i dropped something .Leant forward to pick it up between my feet and accidently let a loud ripper out. All i could do was say sorry, couldn't look at her after that just stared at the screen dying inside.
Second one, met a girl in a pub got talking and arranged a time to go out together. Gave me her address and i set off a couple of days later in my Cortina 2.3 Ghia to pick her up at night. As I pulled into her driveway i thought best get rid of it before i go inside ,so I blasted away - it absolutely stank
Split second later in my headlights she appeared from behind a bush and jumped straight in the car ! First thing she said "Have you farted?!" Feebily I denied it . That set the tone for our short "relationsip", very,very strange girl and I jumped ship pretty soon after.
One of our neighbours asked if I could go through something with her (sexy) daughter on our computer. Were sitting there side by side in front of the pc when i dropped something .Leant forward to pick it up between my feet and accidently let a loud ripper out. All i could do was say sorry, couldn't look at her after that just stared at the screen dying inside.
Second one, met a girl in a pub got talking and arranged a time to go out together. Gave me her address and i set off a couple of days later in my Cortina 2.3 Ghia to pick her up at night. As I pulled into her driveway i thought best get rid of it before i go inside ,so I blasted away - it absolutely stank
Split second later in my headlights she appeared from behind a bush and jumped straight in the car ! First thing she said "Have you farted?!" Feebily I denied it . That set the tone for our short "relationsip", very,very strange girl and I jumped ship pretty soon after.
My paternal grandfather died of a catastrophic stroke whenhe was 97.
He was cremated and the service was very well attended. We gathered in the crematorium carpark before leaving.
My grandmother was very sad but couldn't really complain after 66 years of marriage.
To cheer her up on this chilly spring morning I said, "Smell that bbq grandma, summer is nearly here."
Her reply was, "That's Grandpa, Ben. Thats Grandpa."
He was cremated and the service was very well attended. We gathered in the crematorium carpark before leaving.
My grandmother was very sad but couldn't really complain after 66 years of marriage.
To cheer her up on this chilly spring morning I said, "Smell that bbq grandma, summer is nearly here."
Her reply was, "That's Grandpa, Ben. Thats Grandpa."
Not the best on here by a long way, but I'll post it up anyway!
I was out for a meal with my mum and dad, my mum's friend (an overweight middle-aged woman), her husband, and their two rather fit teenage daughters. My mum's friend noticed two old guys a couple of tables away who kept looking over at the girls, so she turns to her husband and tells him how disgusting she thinks it is, how could men almost three times their daughters age look at them like that, etc etc
He smiles and doesn't say anything, so I chipped in and said they might have been looking at the waitress behind us, at which he points to his wife and , quick as a flash, he comes out with "well they sure as hell weren't looking at you now, were they?"
For a second there was deathly silence with everyone staring at the floor. Unfortunately however, I broke that silence by bursting into uncontrollable laughter, spraying my drink all over the table. By now, everyone's staring at me, so, still laughing, I go to the toilets to try to calm down a bit.
I came back having controlled myself to a completely silent table, sat down, happened to glance at my mum's friend and immediately burst out laughing again. I was kind of doomed after that - I made my excuses and left after the mains were finished, and needless to say I haven't seen my mum's friend or her family since. I believe she is still married though!
I was out for a meal with my mum and dad, my mum's friend (an overweight middle-aged woman), her husband, and their two rather fit teenage daughters. My mum's friend noticed two old guys a couple of tables away who kept looking over at the girls, so she turns to her husband and tells him how disgusting she thinks it is, how could men almost three times their daughters age look at them like that, etc etc
He smiles and doesn't say anything, so I chipped in and said they might have been looking at the waitress behind us, at which he points to his wife and , quick as a flash, he comes out with "well they sure as hell weren't looking at you now, were they?"
For a second there was deathly silence with everyone staring at the floor. Unfortunately however, I broke that silence by bursting into uncontrollable laughter, spraying my drink all over the table. By now, everyone's staring at me, so, still laughing, I go to the toilets to try to calm down a bit.
I came back having controlled myself to a completely silent table, sat down, happened to glance at my mum's friend and immediately burst out laughing again. I was kind of doomed after that - I made my excuses and left after the mains were finished, and needless to say I haven't seen my mum's friend or her family since. I believe she is still married though!
Asterix said:
Did the 'so, when are you due?' to a fat chick at a party at my Mother's a few years back. I remember my brother in law visibly wincing, my sister gave me the most evil look ever and everyone else found their shoes extremely interesting.
A friends ex wife used to work in the cigarette kiosk in the local Sainsbury's and had that. She just said,"I'm not pregnant m just fat" I am sure the guy must have wanted the ground to to open up!wiffmaster said:
Distant said:
"At least you didn't have to pay for a wedding"
Thread's over chaps - nobody's going to beat that.Gassing Station | The Lounge | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff