What's the role of a Grandparent?
Discussion
I guess this post will get some negative comments.
My wife and I had a daughter 18 months ago. My parents-in-law are such fantastic grandparents whose life appears to revolve around our daughter.
However, my mother seems completed uninterested; we've never really had the best relationship. She has always spoken of wanting a daughter, or grand-daughter, but now doesn't show any connection. After 18 months she hasn't phoned once, and has only met our daughter twice. I have sent her photos, called fairly regularly, and bought her a laptop so she can Skype.
I don't want to break contact and am trying to do what's right for my daughter. However, it upsets us both that she is so uninterested. She spends a great amount of time with my brother and his son.
So I guess my question is.....I know we're all different, but do you guys see the role of a grandparent to be more engaging than this? Should the initial contact always lay with the child?
My wife and I had a daughter 18 months ago. My parents-in-law are such fantastic grandparents whose life appears to revolve around our daughter.
However, my mother seems completed uninterested; we've never really had the best relationship. She has always spoken of wanting a daughter, or grand-daughter, but now doesn't show any connection. After 18 months she hasn't phoned once, and has only met our daughter twice. I have sent her photos, called fairly regularly, and bought her a laptop so she can Skype.
I don't want to break contact and am trying to do what's right for my daughter. However, it upsets us both that she is so uninterested. She spends a great amount of time with my brother and his son.
So I guess my question is.....I know we're all different, but do you guys see the role of a grandparent to be more engaging than this? Should the initial contact always lay with the child?
Some people just aren't interested. As a child I had one set of grandparents who had no interest in me and my siblings and a lot in my cousins. On the other hand, my other grandparents were quite close to us.
I doubt there's much you can do - it seems like you're leading the horse to water, but it's choosing not to drink it.
I doubt there's much you can do - it seems like you're leading the horse to water, but it's choosing not to drink it.
Sounds unfortunate. What's the geographical situation? Any family 'history' between you?
FWIW we have a 10 month old. My GPs-I-L are awesome, down every week and dote on our daughter. My folks are a bit less mobile and 100 A-road miles away so visits are monthly, but they are great too.
FWIW we have a 10 month old. My GPs-I-L are awesome, down every week and dote on our daughter. My folks are a bit less mobile and 100 A-road miles away so visits are monthly, but they are great too.
hornetrider said:
Sounds unfortunate. What's the geographical situation? Any family 'history' between you?
FWIW we have a 10 month old. My GPs-I-L are awesome, down every week and dote on our daughter. My folks are a bit less mobile and 100 A-road miles away so visits are monthly, but they are great too.
Admittedly she lives 100 miles away. However, she travels past my door regularly to see my brother. FWIW we have a 10 month old. My GPs-I-L are awesome, down every week and dote on our daughter. My folks are a bit less mobile and 100 A-road miles away so visits are monthly, but they are great too.
She has sent 3 cards over the past 18 months but it's contact she needs and wants. Cards, whilst a nice thought, can't replace real contact. Or am I just being unreasonable?
simontrent said:
Admittedly she lives 100 miles away. However, she travels past my door regularly to see my brother.
She has sent 3 cards over the past 18 months but it's contact she needs and wants. Cards, whilst a nice thought, can't replace real contact. Or am I just being unreasonable?
No I agree with you. Bit of an awkward subject to broach - have you?She has sent 3 cards over the past 18 months but it's contact she needs and wants. Cards, whilst a nice thought, can't replace real contact. Or am I just being unreasonable?
From the other side of the fence.
My brother had a child 3 years ago. I think in that time I've seen her 4 maybe 5 times.
The reason being I knew from day one I was never going to be a big part of her life, so i thought its pointless me trying to be involved.
This is mainly because I don't like children, but also because I'm not really a family person.
My brother had a child 3 years ago. I think in that time I've seen her 4 maybe 5 times.
The reason being I knew from day one I was never going to be a big part of her life, so i thought its pointless me trying to be involved.
This is mainly because I don't like children, but also because I'm not really a family person.
I'd broach the subject if it means that much to you, I wouldn't hold my breath, if she cant be arsed with her granddaughter then having a word wont do much, she may make an effort for a few months but....
I would be telling her to jog on, she may regret it one day but your child has one set of loving grandparents, I sympathise with you, on both sides we have one set of disinterested grandparents, we accepted it moved on and the kids don't wont for anything in that sense, I take the view that my family are relatives and my family is my wife and kids, everyone else comes secondary.
I would be telling her to jog on, she may regret it one day but your child has one set of loving grandparents, I sympathise with you, on both sides we have one set of disinterested grandparents, we accepted it moved on and the kids don't wont for anything in that sense, I take the view that my family are relatives and my family is my wife and kids, everyone else comes secondary.
My niece has two wonderful sets of Grandparents... admittedly, they both live about 3 miles from my Sister & her husband, however they regularly babysit, so that my Sis can have time with her hubby, and friends. They take her swimming, drop her off/collect from nursery etc etc - generally help with all the family things that spread the load on the parents!
For whatever reasons, parents may favour one child's children over another's children. It is complex, but usually manageable. My mother has slavishly doted on my sister's children, and although kind to mine, who are quite a bit younger, they "get" who are the favourites.
We all know why,my mother can't stand Mrs CH and the feeling is mutual. On the other hand the Princesses CH are adored above all others by my in-laws, who I don't like very much, so I reckon we all just try and get along as best as we can. Families are complex aren't they?
We all know why,my mother can't stand Mrs CH and the feeling is mutual. On the other hand the Princesses CH are adored above all others by my in-laws, who I don't like very much, so I reckon we all just try and get along as best as we can. Families are complex aren't they?
Speaking as a grandparent and we have four of the little darlings between 10 years old and 4.I think its the greatest thing ever and would do anything for them. We are lucky as they all live locally to us and we see see them every week.We try to treat them or that should be spoil them equally as I cannot imagine not having any contact with them but I feel sorry for those that do not appreciate the joys of close family ties but we are all different.
The role of a grandparent is to have all the fun of spending time with kids, with the benefit of being able to go home to some peace and quiet at the end of the day. It's hopefully one of the rewards of being a parent that some day you will be a grandparent.
If someone wants to forego the pleasure of being a grandparent, then they either don't like kids, or there is some major unresolved problem with your relationship with them.
If someone wants to forego the pleasure of being a grandparent, then they either don't like kids, or there is some major unresolved problem with your relationship with them.
The role of grandparents... to just 'be'. You expect too much if you expect anything from anyone at all. As hard as it might be, accept the present and not mourn an ideal that is yours and will probably never be. Sorry if that seems harsh, but expecting a way of being from someone else, no matter how close is a recipe for disappointment. You are experiencing that now. Only you have the power to change that. Oh... and don't be upset for your child(ren); they will not miss what they don't know.
One set of my grandparents are the same. They have a favourite grandson who they lavish all their money and attention on, and me and my brothers were always ignored. I get a birthday and Christmas card from them if I'm lucky, but they post it when no-one's home or leg it down the garden path if we're in. Luckily my other set of grandparents were exactly what they should be, sort of like second parents to us.
Caruso said:
The role of a grandparent is to have all the fun of spending time with kids, with the benefit of being able to go home to some peace and quiet at the end of the day. It's hopefully one of the rewards of being a parent that some day you will be a grandparent.
If someone wants to forego the pleasure of being a grandparent, then they either don't like kids, or there is some major unresolved problem with your relationship with them.
I would agree with this. I never knew my grandparents on my father's side, and of my maternal grandparents my grandmother died when I was 10 and grandfather when I was 19. Both of them doted on my brother and I, as well as the rest of their grandchildren, I really miss them.If someone wants to forego the pleasure of being a grandparent, then they either don't like kids, or there is some major unresolved problem with your relationship with them.
Some can take it too far though, like my father and step-mother with my younger brother's two kids (I have none) ... who on earth gives a grandchild a book with written instructions inside the cover that only one of three 'grandmothers' can ever read it to them?!
she might feel a little put out that the other grandparents are doing so much, maybe you just need to go round and ask her, maybe she doesn't feel like she could be any use.
if she refuses to do anything you ask of her, then there's probably little hope at the minute, some people don't like babies and the inherent mess they can create (understandable), especially at an older age.
if she refuses to do anything you ask of her, then there's probably little hope at the minute, some people don't like babies and the inherent mess they can create (understandable), especially at an older age.
simontrent said:
Admittedly she lives 100 miles away. However, she travels past my door regularly to see my brother.
She has sent 3 cards over the past 18 months but it's contact she needs and wants. Cards, whilst a nice thought, can't replace real contact. Or am I just being unreasonable?
So it's not a geographical problem and apparently not your doing, it's not your mum as she is involved with your brothers children. She has sent 3 cards over the past 18 months but it's contact she needs and wants. Cards, whilst a nice thought, can't replace real contact. Or am I just being unreasonable?
That just leaves your wife.
It's often difficult for grandparents particularly grandmothers when they have two sons. Somehow the mums mum gets priority as she feels happier to get involved than the dads mum. You already have a good relationship with your in laws. Perhaps this is pushing out your mum or leaving her feeling like she's interfering. It's often very delicate for grandparents wanting to help, particularly if its not your own daughter. No mother in law wants to upset some post baby hormonal new mum who is coping with a new child and all that that entails.
Edited by el stovey on Monday 20th May 07:11
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