Has anyone used a private detective?
Discussion
Rude-boy said:
Having been 'the other man' I do not agree. If you are having an afair one of the last things you are going to do is leave a trail that can get back to the 'wronged' party. Rhona the Receptionist at the Huntingdon A14 Travelodge couldn't give a s
t - she knows that a number of her guests will be there for just that reason. On the other hand if you don't report your reg you are almost certain to have a letter land on your door mat that could be opened by the wrong person.
Oh come on! t - she knows that a number of her guests will be there for just that reason. On the other hand if you don't report your reg you are almost certain to have a letter land on your door mat that could be opened by the wrong person.
Other fellow books the room, sends text, "I'm in room 207, see you soon".
She rocks up on her furtive little affair, parks in the car park, slips past reception and into the lift and away to her illicit affair.
You really think she's going to stop to read the signs that warn of parking restrictions or "check in" at reception (even though, I agree, they couldn't care less)?
Harry H said:
She's depressed, she's bored. Stuck at home all day in a farmhouse miles from anywhere.
You get out, meet people, achieve things. Where's her challenge ????
She's so bored she'll even say things too you to try and get a reaction but you yourself have admitted you're a pretty stable chap.
Chances are she's met an old flame on Facebook and it's oh so great to have a little excitement back in her life. She knows it wouldn't last hence she hasn't left or admitted anything but it's still exciting. Gives her something to look forward to in life. A reason to get out of bed, make her self respectable and buy some new knickers.
In her mind you are partly to blame (not in mine). You're the one that's slowly engineered her into this dull life. Yep you think you've done the manly thing in being a provider but in reality it's all gone a bit "Stepford". She also feels guilty. You've provided her with everything a woman could ask for. You're a great father, a great provider, she has a lovely home, lovely children. Yet she's bored, and feels guilty, why is she not deliriously happy ? She has the perfect lifestyle, something we're all supposed to want.
The affair (if it exists ) is just a symtom of how deeply unhappy she is. Partly due to depression, partly due to boredom and with proberly a little bit of guilt as to why she is so ungrateful.
If you were so deeply unhappy with your life you'd change it. She's not as strong as you. She needs your help. She's also scared as she's got everything a girl could want yet she's still not happy. Hence the hole just gets deeper and deeper. For christ sakes she aware that even her children prefer to spend time with you than her.
All the clues are there. They're smacking you right in the face. But you're a bloke and you just don't see them. You're just seeing this ungrateful cow that's looking like an unfaithful tart as well.
One last time.... She's depressed and bored. Bored out of her tiny mind. You won't get depressed, you've got to many responsibilites to allow that to happen. And all that's happened is that as she's dropped her responsibilities you've pick em up. She's realising she's added less and less value, feeling more and more worthless. The boredom and depression get's deeper and deeper.
She needs a job, something to call her own, with her own challenges and responsibilities. A reason to get out of bed in the morning. Some women are happy to play housewife some women just aren't cut out for it. Especially the intelligent passionate ones (why you married her in the first place, right).
You sound like a bright bloke. Don't get side tracked by what may or may not be an affair. Drill right down to the route cause of the problem and sort it. That's what we men do.
HTH
Just spotted this on my way out - excellent post and very insightful, thank you.You get out, meet people, achieve things. Where's her challenge ????
She's so bored she'll even say things too you to try and get a reaction but you yourself have admitted you're a pretty stable chap.
Chances are she's met an old flame on Facebook and it's oh so great to have a little excitement back in her life. She knows it wouldn't last hence she hasn't left or admitted anything but it's still exciting. Gives her something to look forward to in life. A reason to get out of bed, make her self respectable and buy some new knickers.
In her mind you are partly to blame (not in mine). You're the one that's slowly engineered her into this dull life. Yep you think you've done the manly thing in being a provider but in reality it's all gone a bit "Stepford". She also feels guilty. You've provided her with everything a woman could ask for. You're a great father, a great provider, she has a lovely home, lovely children. Yet she's bored, and feels guilty, why is she not deliriously happy ? She has the perfect lifestyle, something we're all supposed to want.
The affair (if it exists ) is just a symtom of how deeply unhappy she is. Partly due to depression, partly due to boredom and with proberly a little bit of guilt as to why she is so ungrateful.
If you were so deeply unhappy with your life you'd change it. She's not as strong as you. She needs your help. She's also scared as she's got everything a girl could want yet she's still not happy. Hence the hole just gets deeper and deeper. For christ sakes she aware that even her children prefer to spend time with you than her.
All the clues are there. They're smacking you right in the face. But you're a bloke and you just don't see them. You're just seeing this ungrateful cow that's looking like an unfaithful tart as well.
One last time.... She's depressed and bored. Bored out of her tiny mind. You won't get depressed, you've got to many responsibilites to allow that to happen. And all that's happened is that as she's dropped her responsibilities you've pick em up. She's realising she's added less and less value, feeling more and more worthless. The boredom and depression get's deeper and deeper.
She needs a job, something to call her own, with her own challenges and responsibilities. A reason to get out of bed in the morning. Some women are happy to play housewife some women just aren't cut out for it. Especially the intelligent passionate ones (why you married her in the first place, right).
You sound like a bright bloke. Don't get side tracked by what may or may not be an affair. Drill right down to the route cause of the problem and sort it. That's what we men do.
HTH
Edited by Harry H on Friday 17th August 16:20
What are your suggestions for remedy?
A bit down said:
Just spotted this on my way out - excellent post and very insightful, thank you.
What are your suggestions for remedy?
Look, in her depressed, bored and a little bit worthless mind. She's looking for why she's so unhappy. Great house, great kids, great provider. So surely the only thing left to blame is her partner in life. It' must be you that's the problem. But it's not.What are your suggestions for remedy?
When she says she's want's to sell the house it's because she want's to change her life style. And selling the house is all she can think of.
She needs a job, a carer something independent of you. To stop her feeling so worthless. When something else occupies her mind she won't sit around thinking how depressed she is. She needs the interaction with collegues not some boring "stepfords" at a coffee morning who's most demanding topic is little Jeremy and his trip to the dentist.
I've seen this scenario so many times and you sound like the perfect age for it. Came close to it myself. And the only time we blokes really wake up to all the "messages" these women think they're sending us is when we suspect the shagging someone else.
Actus Reus said:
Maybe she's just depressed, went out driving to get away, needed a piss and in the end just spent hours in a cafe at the services watching people come and go.
Unlikely? Yeah, fairly, but an affair isn't necessarily nailed on here.
My ex was depressed, she used to go and do things like this, but usually involving alcohol and shagging anything...Unlikely? Yeah, fairly, but an affair isn't necessarily nailed on here.
The best decision I made was leaving her, it wasn't a great relationship and we became a habit, just a way of living. I'm only 21, she was 3 years younger, but when she went around the entire of our sleepy little town one by one, I could see the hidden behavioural issues she has, she just chose this way to express her perceived self worth (I tried my best to cope with these, but she let them get to her and felt she was worth nothing)
Still to this day, I feel better off (lonely, but that's manageable) that I got out of the trap we both fell into, caused by both of it. One day she might feel the same rather than continuing her raging mating habits
I'm sure your OH will be feeling bored, if you do everything for her. I honestly hope that she isn't doing the dirty, and that she is just crying out for some love/help
Harry H said:
A bit down said:
Just spotted this on my way out - excellent post and very insightful, thank you.
What are your suggestions for remedy?
Look, in her depressed, bored and a little bit worthless mind. She's looking for why she's so unhappy. Great house, great kids, great provider. So surely the only thing left to blame is her partner in life. It' must be you that's the problem. But it's not.What are your suggestions for remedy?
When she says she's want's to sell the house it's because she want's to change her life style. And selling the house is all she can think of.
She needs a job, a carer something independent of you. To stop her feeling so worthless. When something else occupies her mind she won't sit around thinking how depressed she is. She needs the interaction with collegues not some boring "stepfords" at a coffee morning who's most demanding topic is little Jeremy and his trip to the dentist.
I've seen this scenario so many times and you sound like the perfect age for it. Came close to it myself. And the only time we blokes really wake up to all the "messages" these women think they're sending us is when we suspect the shagging someone else.
I'll also bet her 'friends' are making it worse: look at you, you've got the perfect life, a wonderful husband, two lovely children, what on earth have you got to be depressed about?
If only it were that simple.
Hang on in there, OP.
Harry H said:
.BLah blah blah blah blah That's what we men do.
]
SOrry to disappoint you, petal, but we men don't have this problem .]
Instead we men look out for women who have homosexual husbands who like to say things loke "lets talk love and get to the root cause of problems" and have sex with them. In my experience the root cause of the problem of these type of women is having husbands who say "let look at the root cause of the problem"
blindswelledrat said:
Harry H said:
.BLah blah blah blah blah That's what we men do.
]
SOrry to disappoint you, petal, but we men don't have this problem .]
Instead we men look out for women who have homosexual husbands who like to say things loke "lets talk love and get to the root cause of problems" and have sex with them. In my experience the root cause of the problem of these type of women is having husbands who say "let look at the root cause of the problem"
blokes just problem solve, women tend to talk and talk and talk about the problem rather than solving it
sleep envy said:
blindswelledrat said:
Harry H said:
.BLah blah blah blah blah That's what we men do.
]
SOrry to disappoint you, petal, but we men don't have this problem .]
Instead we men look out for women who have homosexual husbands who like to say things loke "lets talk love and get to the root cause of problems" and have sex with them. In my experience the root cause of the problem of these type of women is having husbands who say "let look at the root cause of the problem"
blokes just problem solve, women tend to talk and talk and talk about the problem rather than solving it
ali_kat said:
Great posts Harry!
With experience comes wisdom
When I read the original post I thought "f
k me, I don't remember writing that five years ago". Luckily I caught my marriage just in time. The cave man provider in me couldn't have handled a cheating wife.Throw her in the car with all her belongings, drive her round to the lovers house and tell him he's welcome to the ungrateful, selfish, self centred b
h. That's what I was going to do when I'd proved it.Luckily it never came to that and I woke up and smelt the coffee just in time.
The bored housewife and the gin bottle, it happens so often it's become a fixture in society.
Ari said:
Oh come on!
Other fellow books the room, sends text, "I'm in room 207, see you soon".
She rocks up on her furtive little affair, parks in the car park, slips past reception and into the lift and away to her illicit affair.
You really think she's going to stop to read the signs that warn of parking restrictions or "check in" at reception (even though, I agree, they couldn't care less)?
Well give that my lady is and was a PH'er I expect her to think of these sorts of little things!Other fellow books the room, sends text, "I'm in room 207, see you soon".
She rocks up on her furtive little affair, parks in the car park, slips past reception and into the lift and away to her illicit affair.
You really think she's going to stop to read the signs that warn of parking restrictions or "check in" at reception (even though, I agree, they couldn't care less)?
OP the more I read this thread the more I think about what happened with my ex and I. In my case the kids were all hers yet the big house in the country miles from others, working all hours and days to provide it and the nice things in life for her the kids and I. Ex did a few part time hours to add a little to the pot and keep her hand in until full time once they had left home but otherwise was 90% housewife and mother.
One funny thing she said in one of our more open post 'The Conversation' chats was that she first realised that there was something very wrong when we went on holiday for a week just her and I and the kids and she realised how much she missed me not being about and always away working. That I was never at home and that it was about the only straight week during the time she had known me that I wasn't doing work in one form or another. In short I'd shown her what was lacking in her life...
Without wanting to be harsh, it's over.
Let her go, and salvage as much dignity for you and the kids as possible. The kids are your highest priority.
She has simply fallen "out of love" with you. It happens.
Sit her down and talk, properly. Accept that it is over, and agree between you to look after the kids the best way possible.
We can sit here for days being all mumsnet about this, but frankly, you're simply delaying the inevitable.
Sorry.
Let her go, and salvage as much dignity for you and the kids as possible. The kids are your highest priority.
She has simply fallen "out of love" with you. It happens.
Sit her down and talk, properly. Accept that it is over, and agree between you to look after the kids the best way possible.
We can sit here for days being all mumsnet about this, but frankly, you're simply delaying the inevitable.
Sorry.
TwigtheWonderkid said:
A bit down said:
Although I'm not very religious, I took my wedding vows very seriously
You make that sound like an exception to the rule, and that most non religious people don't care!I got married in a registry office, and made promises to my wife without any involvement of god. And I take them very seriously too.
Anyway, best of luck with your situation. And avoid the idiots who say she's definitely having an affair, it's all over etc. They may turn out to be right, but they're still just guessing.
Yeah OP, just because you did your speech with god in mind, whats he got to do with it anyway?
Hope it turns out which ever path you walk.
vette
Tyrewrecker said:
Pommygranite said:
Seriously, just grab her phone and leg it it with it, go up the street and just read it
If she gets angry explain why you've taken it saying everythg you've said in here - it all makes sense you're not paranoid and if you're wrong at least you've raised the subject.
Seriously just steal her phone and all will be revealed. If you're right you stealing her phone will be the least of her worries.
This, even if it means taking it when she is sleeping.If she gets angry explain why you've taken it saying everythg you've said in here - it all makes sense you're not paranoid and if you're wrong at least you've raised the subject.
Seriously just steal her phone and all will be revealed. If you're right you stealing her phone will be the least of her worries.
If he has access to the computer she syncs it with, he doesn't even need the phone.
Feel free to PM me if you need any more detail.
El Guapo said:
Assuming that she is playing away and you find evidence or she admits it, you can retain the moral high ground by telling her that you can put up with her having an affair but you aren't willing to break up your family by separating.
It might sound crazy but she will, in all probability, tire of the affair before long, especially once she knows that you're aware of it. You would need to be very strong to pull this off but you'd be seen as the bigger man by your family and hers too.
.It might sound crazy but she will, in all probability, tire of the affair before long, especially once she knows that you're aware of it. You would need to be very strong to pull this off but you'd be seen as the bigger man by your family and hers too.
I think that that is going to be too much for any man to stomach.
Sitting playing happy families while she is getting back worked by some other bloke?.
Couldn't do it, guess you would all read head lines about it in the papers though.
vette
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