A Controlling Mum, A Sheltered Son And A Foreign Bride
Discussion
mrmaggit said:
The Beaver King said:
silverous said:
Wow. Sounds almost like they kept him as a slave, they have done him a disservice in many ways but thank the lord that he has good friends who have done the right thing. Surely as parents you are there to prepare your children for the world not own their world. He's going to find it tough but if it was meant to be I'm sure they'll figure it out. Mum sounds proper mental, not quite sure whose passport she burned but their must be laws against that sort of thing, treason or something surely 
Look forward to reading this going well, and the mum getting some kind of help.....
It isn't too disimilar to slavery, except he had all the luxuries he wanted. The fact is he has never earnt a wage, so he is nearly 30 years old with the work/life experience of a 16 year old.Look forward to reading this going well, and the mum getting some kind of help.....
I explained it to him this way:
Assuming you have worked for the family for ten years (give or take) and he was pick up minimum wage for the 60 hours a week he does; then he would be on approx £22k a year. I doubt he get this in kind over the year, he's fairly clean living.
If Mum is confronted by an outsider with knowledge and ability to show her the cold hard facts, the family may just be able to get back on a more normal keel.
IMHO, of course.
I wonder of any legal eagles in the house might be able to give us a legal view on this. Especially the theft of the £5000, if nothing else.
Edited by Pints on Saturday 15th June 07:55
Amazing. My parents did everything possible to make me independent.
It pissed me off when I finished my degree, and I needed a place to stay for 8 weeks before starting on a Graduate training scheme, that they charged me £75 a week rent (in 1989). I stayed one week, as it was cheaper to live at my g/f's flat with 5 nurses.
It pissed me off when I finished my degree, and I needed a place to stay for 8 weeks before starting on a Graduate training scheme, that they charged me £75 a week rent (in 1989). I stayed one week, as it was cheaper to live at my g/f's flat with 5 nurses.
Pints said:
VoziKaoFangio said:
Please make sure that John has an "out" should the wife-to-be turn out to be a disappointed gold digger when he arrives brassic, with no prospect of dipping his family's money. Not many girls, especially those described as "a bit of a princess" will put up with a penniless man who has no prospect of earning.
This is how vagrants are made - the last thing you want is him getting the elbow over there and disappearing in to the night.
While the mother is clearly a nutjob of a control freak, I can't help wonder if the one valid concern she might have in all of this is that Princess Lisa is only in it for the money. Months or years down the line she may turn round with a "told you so", and that's not good for John either.This is how vagrants are made - the last thing you want is him getting the elbow over there and disappearing in to the night.
Whatever happens she will try to excuse her mental by claiming she was right all along, unless they remain happily married til the day she dies. And even then she'll claim she is right. Bonkers.IMO Craig or the OP should tell HMRC about the wage vs benefit situation because nothing will change unless they're forced and maybe that way when John returns to the smothering embrace things might improve.
chr15b said:
Bookmarked
Yea great, thanks for letting us know about this critical piece of information. I have to say we are delirious with excitement that you have chosen to move your cursor over over an icon and press it.Can you let us know when you press the start button as well, I get really excited by that.
mondeoman said:
I'm hoping that someone picks up the phone and talks to John today, to make sure he's OK.
I spoke to John yesterday briefly to see how the flight went. He sounded very distance (to be expected), but i'm hoping he'll straighten up when he sees Lisa.Obviously I'll keep everyone up to date. I'm meeting Craig for a coffee in a couple of hours, so I'll find out what happened with John's mum when he went to collect his passport Thursday night.
oldbanger said:
I bet he's not had any NI/tax paid for him all these years either.
IMPORTANT.
If they've not had him formally on their books, then he's not been accruing:-
- NIC
- Pension
Lack of NIC contributions/records will affect his entitlement to any benefits he may need if/when he does return to the UK.
Lack of any pension pot for the first ~10 years of his life WILL make his retirement later and harder.
OP - I know you're not his keeper, but try and find out / make him aware of this - in some ways this is more important than his lost £5k savings, certainly long-term! Can guess his response though.
Maybe worth you/craig setting stuff down in writing now while it's fresh and lodging document with a solicitor in case of future need...John may not care now but if things don't improve or even get worse, and if he eventually finds his independence, he may want the ammo...
The Beaver King said:
I spoke to John yesterday briefly to see how the flight went. He sounded very distance (to be expected), but i'm hoping he'll straighten up when he sees Lisa.
Obviously I'll keep everyone up to date. I'm meeting Craig for a coffee in a couple of hours, so I'll find out what happened with John's mum when he went to collect his passport Thursday night.
Have you two got the funds to fly him home if Lisa doesn't come good?Obviously I'll keep everyone up to date. I'm meeting Craig for a coffee in a couple of hours, so I'll find out what happened with John's mum when he went to collect his passport Thursday night.
As great as all the financial advice is (and some of it is very interesting), I have a feeling John will be in no state to comprehend it.
If John has:
A- No intention of returning (unless for a holiday)
B- No intention of seeing his family again
He will basically go through a "grieving" process. Working things out, trying to reason what is going on in his own mind.
BK, I do have another question- if his mum is paying the mobile phone bill does he have a back up phone/number....?
If John has:
A- No intention of returning (unless for a holiday)
B- No intention of seeing his family again
He will basically go through a "grieving" process. Working things out, trying to reason what is going on in his own mind.
BK, I do have another question- if his mum is paying the mobile phone bill does he have a back up phone/number....?
Not in any way close to the OP's story or the couple of other who have shared their experiences, but I had a bit of a job getting the Mrs to cut the apron strings to her parents (her mother in particular) when we first met 10'ish years ago. It almost got to the stage where I was going to pack the now-wife in at the time as I was so sick of it.
Mrs has/had at the time two older brothers who were off living with families of their own, Mrs was the last offspring still living at home and once she moved out it would just be her mum and dad left in the house (not even any pets). So the mother-in-law tried every mind trick possible to stop my wife moving in with me, and I had to act as the 'shoulder to cry on'. Nasty nasty lady.
Mrs has/had at the time two older brothers who were off living with families of their own, Mrs was the last offspring still living at home and once she moved out it would just be her mum and dad left in the house (not even any pets). So the mother-in-law tried every mind trick possible to stop my wife moving in with me, and I had to act as the 'shoulder to cry on'. Nasty nasty lady.
havoc said:
IMPORTANT.
If they've not had him formally on their books, then he's not been accruing:-
- NIC
- Pension
Lack of NIC contributions/records will affect his entitlement to any benefits he may need if/when he does return to the UK.
Lack of any pension pot for the first ~10 years of his life WILL make his retirement later and harder.
OP - I know you're not his keeper, but try and find out / make him aware of this - in some ways this is more important than his lost £5k savings, certainly long-term! Can guess his response though.
Maybe worth you/craig setting stuff down in writing now while it's fresh and lodging document with a solicitor in case of future need...John may not care now but if things don't improve or even get worse, and if he eventually finds his independence, he may want the ammo...
I doubt hmrc would take much interest unless son himself complained, and that doesn't sound very likely.
hidetheelephants said:
mrmaggit said:
I've come back to this after reading the whole thread. I think I would be having a discussion with somebody in the legal profession, I think he has a good chance of being able to get his back dues, which would certainly be enough to get himself straight and with some financial security.
The fact the books show him receiving a wage, but this wage has mysteriously never made it as far as his bank account could be important; what are the penalties for breaking the minimum wage laws for a decade or more?BK, you've done a sterling job, just be there for him, cos right now f
k only knows which way the winds gonna blow, especially given this is his first real relationship etc etc. All the best.At risk of pandering to the theme, the mum has an issue set that eclipse some of those of my own mum in some areas. She probably needs counselling/psychotherapy. But evan broaching that, especially with the wimpy husband who enables her psychosis, good luck with that anyone brave/foolhardly enough to try.
as others have said...
This strikes a huge chord with me... It has only been the help from my friends that have stopped me going crazy from a similar situation... I was preparing to jump in front of a train earlier this year, but my girlfriend dropped everything and drove through a blizzard to get to me....
Hope the OP's friend John has a happy and fulfilling life from this point on
Huge to you all that have helped him... it is friendship like that that makes life worth living!!!!
This strikes a huge chord with me... It has only been the help from my friends that have stopped me going crazy from a similar situation... I was preparing to jump in front of a train earlier this year, but my girlfriend dropped everything and drove through a blizzard to get to me....
Hope the OP's friend John has a happy and fulfilling life from this point on
Huge
to you all that have helped him... it is friendship like that that makes life worth living!!!! Poor "John" i feel for him and what he is going through.
I have gone through something similar albeit a stepdad controlling me and my mum. I was in a similar situation working for the family business in property development and lettings and not really receiving a wage but expenses paid for and a car etc. He resented me all my life for not being his kid and the feeling was mutual. I wasn't allowed to move out, buy my own stuff or anything and If i threatened to leave home or get another job i was told i would be cut off and he would sell the business etc. This would also leave my mum stranded and leave my brother and 2 sisters (his biological children) high and dry at university so i kept at it and tried to remain positive somehow. He was deadly serious with these threats and it got very close one time to being true.
Mum gave up work to care for him when he was diagnosed with the big C in 2005 and things got worse, he would treat her like crap and the threats of selling up and none of us getting any of it got worse. Mum even had to get a caution put on the assets so that it made them harder to sell and a legal battle started with the both of them even though they lived in the same house, madness. He had refused to marry her as well which meant she didn't own anything of the business she had spent years building up with him. He somehow managed to have his will cancelled too and was preparing to write a new one which left everything to his sister (also a complete nutcase) when he went blind through the spread of cancer.
He died in 2010 and although the rest of the family were quite upset and in shock i was relieved and we could finally move on with our lives. I would never wish death on anyone but that bd deserved it.
3 years on i have myself a girlfriend (they were forbidden in the house when he was alive), our own place and a 9 month old baby and couldn't be happier.
Only through reading through the controlling ways of the OP's post did it strike home how sly and controlling some people can be and its easy to suggest leaving or telling the parents to get fecked but its a hell of a lot harder to do so in reality. I applaud John for his bravery getting on that flight and hope it all works out for him.
I have gone through something similar albeit a stepdad controlling me and my mum. I was in a similar situation working for the family business in property development and lettings and not really receiving a wage but expenses paid for and a car etc. He resented me all my life for not being his kid and the feeling was mutual. I wasn't allowed to move out, buy my own stuff or anything and If i threatened to leave home or get another job i was told i would be cut off and he would sell the business etc. This would also leave my mum stranded and leave my brother and 2 sisters (his biological children) high and dry at university so i kept at it and tried to remain positive somehow. He was deadly serious with these threats and it got very close one time to being true.
Mum gave up work to care for him when he was diagnosed with the big C in 2005 and things got worse, he would treat her like crap and the threats of selling up and none of us getting any of it got worse. Mum even had to get a caution put on the assets so that it made them harder to sell and a legal battle started with the both of them even though they lived in the same house, madness. He had refused to marry her as well which meant she didn't own anything of the business she had spent years building up with him. He somehow managed to have his will cancelled too and was preparing to write a new one which left everything to his sister (also a complete nutcase) when he went blind through the spread of cancer.
He died in 2010 and although the rest of the family were quite upset and in shock i was relieved and we could finally move on with our lives. I would never wish death on anyone but that b
d deserved it. 3 years on i have myself a girlfriend (they were forbidden in the house when he was alive), our own place and a 9 month old baby and couldn't be happier.
Only through reading through the controlling ways of the OP's post did it strike home how sly and controlling some people can be and its easy to suggest leaving or telling the parents to get fecked but its a hell of a lot harder to do so in reality. I applaud John for his bravery getting on that flight and hope it all works out for him.
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