A Controlling Mum, A Sheltered Son And A Foreign Bride
Discussion
kiethton said:
Bluebarge said:
You really, really need to move out. For £500 a month it should be possible to rent a room in someone else's house where you can see your gf when you want and not be treated like dirt by manipulative parents and a cock of a brother. Do it soon.
True, thankfully as a condition of coming back I stated that I would pay half as I was wanting to save for a place of my own. Needless to say they wanted evidence of the saving and the account to be in their name etc.
I rejected this and thankfully it hasn't been mentioned since. Although I do need to get out after the experience with the flat (and my work being in liquidation) I need to make myself better financially. This accompanied by nothing but bad renting experiences to date I need to buy and intend to do so with the new-buy scheme in January.
Thankfully things are ok ish now (only mentioned fortnightly now, but with dog whistles whenever my phone rings, no matter who it is) and the brother is at Uni which makes it more bearable...
king on!If the family's plan was to have you stick around at home for the rest of your life with no wife/girlfriend achieving very little in life other than the odd material possession it sounds like you are well on your way. Sounds like the accompanying mindset is almost complete too.
hairyben said:
hidetheelephants said:
mrmaggit said:
I've come back to this after reading the whole thread. I think I would be having a discussion with somebody in the legal profession, I think he has a good chance of being able to get his back dues, which would certainly be enough to get himself straight and with some financial security.
The fact the books show him receiving a wage, but this wage has mysteriously never made it as far as his bank account could be important; what are the penalties for breaking the minimum wage laws for a decade or more?
Wow, Just WOW!
As horrible as it sounds, he actually probably is better off without his mum if that's how she is going to be, she needs to either realise how crazy she is being and back down, or leave him to it!
Well done for being there for him and physically putting him in the right place, with the right person!
As horrible as it sounds, he actually probably is better off without his mum if that's how she is going to be, she needs to either realise how crazy she is being and back down, or leave him to it!
Well done for being there for him and physically putting him in the right place, with the right person!
I was in an almost similar position although not as dramatic but I've chose #3. Life has not been easy but I've managed to carve my way in life. Parent's started talking to me again after 10+ years too.
It's a long and hard journey though especially if you've been spoon fed until 30... I did this back when I was in my 20s.
It's a long and hard journey though especially if you've been spoon fed until 30... I did this back when I was in my 20s.
Lots of interesting contributions on this thread from people who have had similar experiences. I would say getting the mother to read this thread (as suggested earlier) is probably wasted effort, she clearly has issues that are likely beyond "John" at the moment but he might benefit from reading others experiences.
I think encouraging "John" to break the cycle was the correct thing to do but its worth planning for what happens if life in Spain doesn't work out (it's tough there at the moment) and having a fallback that doesn't entail crawling back to Mummy. If he's not been paying social security etc then state aid may be limited but if he really does have the strong work ethic originally mentioned I'd be looking at what short term help he may be eligible for if he needs to come back.
Nasty business.
I think encouraging "John" to break the cycle was the correct thing to do but its worth planning for what happens if life in Spain doesn't work out (it's tough there at the moment) and having a fallback that doesn't entail crawling back to Mummy. If he's not been paying social security etc then state aid may be limited but if he really does have the strong work ethic originally mentioned I'd be looking at what short term help he may be eligible for if he needs to come back.
Nasty business.
Right, finally getting round to giving an update.
Craig updated me on the events that occured when he went to retrieve John's passport and clothes from the house. He turned up at the house and the mum, dad and brother were there waiting (it was 2am). Craig explained that we had spoken to John and he had made the decision to go to abroad to be with Lisa (I believe Craig may have played down our hand in helping John make his decision).
John's mum became very upset and it dawned on her how far she had pushed him. The dad and brother were equally shocked, commenting that 'this was the first real decision he had ever made on his own'. Craig explained that he was here to get John's stuff and that the family were NOT to contact him under any circumstances unless John called them first.
Initally the mother refused, but Craig convinced her that this was the only way John could make the his own mind up and he didn't need the family pressuring him. John's mum then took an hour to find the passport as she had 'lost it'..... Eventually it was found by John's dad.
The family then wrote John a letter to be delivered by Craig that said the usal family stuff, 'love him very much', 'sorry about everything' and 'if he ever needs anything he only has to call' etc. Craig then took the stuff and went to pick up John.
This part I didn't know when I originally started the thread but:
Apparently when Craig took John to the airport, he hadn't told him when the flight was leaving. Craig had purposefully booked a flight the next day and booked John in to a hotel. This meant that John had 24 hours in a hotel room on his own. Craig decided that he needed some thinking time before flying out and potentially changing his life forever, so 24 hours would give him a real chance to think things through and change his mind if need be.
John did not change his mind.
So as far as we know now, John is out in Spain with Lisa but we haven't heard from him as yet. He said to Craig that he is going to take two weeks out there to think things through and he may come back. He may not. It could be months before we see him next.
John did tell Craig that if he isn't back after two weeks, there is a nice Land Rover Discovery at his farm that Craig is to have. Apparently John did own at least one car....
Craig updated me on the events that occured when he went to retrieve John's passport and clothes from the house. He turned up at the house and the mum, dad and brother were there waiting (it was 2am). Craig explained that we had spoken to John and he had made the decision to go to abroad to be with Lisa (I believe Craig may have played down our hand in helping John make his decision).
John's mum became very upset and it dawned on her how far she had pushed him. The dad and brother were equally shocked, commenting that 'this was the first real decision he had ever made on his own'. Craig explained that he was here to get John's stuff and that the family were NOT to contact him under any circumstances unless John called them first.
Initally the mother refused, but Craig convinced her that this was the only way John could make the his own mind up and he didn't need the family pressuring him. John's mum then took an hour to find the passport as she had 'lost it'..... Eventually it was found by John's dad.
The family then wrote John a letter to be delivered by Craig that said the usal family stuff, 'love him very much', 'sorry about everything' and 'if he ever needs anything he only has to call' etc. Craig then took the stuff and went to pick up John.
This part I didn't know when I originally started the thread but:
Apparently when Craig took John to the airport, he hadn't told him when the flight was leaving. Craig had purposefully booked a flight the next day and booked John in to a hotel. This meant that John had 24 hours in a hotel room on his own. Craig decided that he needed some thinking time before flying out and potentially changing his life forever, so 24 hours would give him a real chance to think things through and change his mind if need be.
John did not change his mind.
So as far as we know now, John is out in Spain with Lisa but we haven't heard from him as yet. He said to Craig that he is going to take two weeks out there to think things through and he may come back. He may not. It could be months before we see him next.
John did tell Craig that if he isn't back after two weeks, there is a nice Land Rover Discovery at his farm that Craig is to have. Apparently John did own at least one car....
The Beaver King said:
Right, finally getting round to giving an update.
Craig updated me on the events that occured when he went to retrieve John's passport and clothes from the house. He turned up at the house and the mum, dad and brother were there waiting (it was 2am). Craig explained that we had spoken to John and he had made the decision to go to abroad to be with Lisa (I believe Craig may have played down our hand in helping John make his decision).
John's mum became very upset and it dawned on her how far she had pushed him. The dad and brother were equally shocked, commenting that 'this was the first real decision he had ever made on his own'. Craig explained that he was here to get John's stuff and that the family were NOT to contact him under any circumstances unless John called them first.
Initally the mother refused, but Craig convinced her that this was the only way John could make the his own mind up and he didn't need the family pressuring him. John's mum then took an hour to find the passport as she had 'lost it'..... Eventually it was found by John's dad.
The family then wrote John a letter to be delivered by Craig that said the usal family stuff, 'love him very much', 'sorry about everything' and 'if he ever needs anything he only has to call' etc. Craig then took the stuff and went to pick up John.
This part I didn't know when I originally started the thread but:
Apparently when Craig took John to the airport, he hadn't told him when the flight was leaving. Craig had purposefully booked a flight the next day and booked John in to a hotel. This meant that John had 24 hours in a hotel room on his own. Craig decided that he needed some thinking time before flying out and potentially changing his life forever, so 24 hours would give him a real chance to think things through and change his mind if need be.
John did not change his mind.
So as far as we know now, John is out in Spain with Lisa but we haven't heard from him as yet. He said to Craig that he is going to take two weeks out there to think things through and he may come back. He may not. It could be months before we see him next.
John did tell Craig that if he isn't back after two weeks, there is a nice Land Rover Discovery at his farm that Craig is to have. Apparently John did own at least one car....
It was inevitable that Mum would play silly gubbers, but glad all is sorted. Craig updated me on the events that occured when he went to retrieve John's passport and clothes from the house. He turned up at the house and the mum, dad and brother were there waiting (it was 2am). Craig explained that we had spoken to John and he had made the decision to go to abroad to be with Lisa (I believe Craig may have played down our hand in helping John make his decision).
John's mum became very upset and it dawned on her how far she had pushed him. The dad and brother were equally shocked, commenting that 'this was the first real decision he had ever made on his own'. Craig explained that he was here to get John's stuff and that the family were NOT to contact him under any circumstances unless John called them first.
Initally the mother refused, but Craig convinced her that this was the only way John could make the his own mind up and he didn't need the family pressuring him. John's mum then took an hour to find the passport as she had 'lost it'..... Eventually it was found by John's dad.
The family then wrote John a letter to be delivered by Craig that said the usal family stuff, 'love him very much', 'sorry about everything' and 'if he ever needs anything he only has to call' etc. Craig then took the stuff and went to pick up John.
This part I didn't know when I originally started the thread but:
Apparently when Craig took John to the airport, he hadn't told him when the flight was leaving. Craig had purposefully booked a flight the next day and booked John in to a hotel. This meant that John had 24 hours in a hotel room on his own. Craig decided that he needed some thinking time before flying out and potentially changing his life forever, so 24 hours would give him a real chance to think things through and change his mind if need be.
John did not change his mind.
So as far as we know now, John is out in Spain with Lisa but we haven't heard from him as yet. He said to Craig that he is going to take two weeks out there to think things through and he may come back. He may not. It could be months before we see him next.
John did tell Craig that if he isn't back after two weeks, there is a nice Land Rover Discovery at his farm that Craig is to have. Apparently John did own at least one car....
Also, top marks to you and Craig for being so loyal to John. He's lucky to have you both to watch his back.
ali_kat said:
I think I'd have encouraged him to stay, continue working for the Co, dump the girl, cancel the wedding, get the Villa into his name etc
Get as much £££ as he could before the wedding date, then go for a holiday at the Villa
And not come back, marry the girl as planned & live in the Villa
Actually, he can still do that - even easier if he comes back on Monday having gone over there to end it face to face IYKWIM
Prodical son returns, inisists on running his own life as a result (Mum will be so pleased to 'win' she'll agree), the goes ahead with the Wedding
You see, women always play the long ball. That's why us mere men are just pawns in their game. But Ali's right, John, I'm afraid is fGet as much £££ as he could before the wedding date, then go for a holiday at the Villa
And not come back, marry the girl as planned & live in the Villa
Actually, he can still do that - even easier if he comes back on Monday having gone over there to end it face to face IYKWIM
Prodical son returns, inisists on running his own life as a result (Mum will be so pleased to 'win' she'll agree), the goes ahead with the Wedding
Edited by ali_kat on Friday 14th June 21:27
ked.£600 in his back pocket, little to no work skills and in Spain, a country with 20% unemployment. This would be tough for the hardest street animal let alone a mummy's boy. You may have encouraged him to do the noble thing but I 'm not sure it was the right way to play this particular game.
3 weeks then back home with his tail between his legs forever under mummy's thumb is my bet
Incredible story.
What a bonkers, toxic family. Very easy to see how he's become used to it and has lacked the will to escape until now. Well done to you and Craig for helping him to make his own choices.
Whatever happens from now on in, his life has improved and he will realise that he can step out on his own. I hope it continues.
What a bonkers, toxic family. Very easy to see how he's become used to it and has lacked the will to escape until now. Well done to you and Craig for helping him to make his own choices.
Whatever happens from now on in, his life has improved and he will realise that he can step out on his own. I hope it continues.
The Beaver King said:
Right, finally getting round to giving an update....
Great move by Craig booking John into a hotel. Genius.I found the comment by Dad & Bro interesting (this is the first real decision he has made), perhaps now their eyes are being opened to the reality their son\brother lived in\through.
Mum is bonkers ("ive lost his passport"), yeah, of course you have love.
I am worried about the job situation. As someone pointed out in a country with 20% unemployment, he needs to be smart. He needs to look at what makes him unique.
BK, have you had any direct contact with John? Also, i'd be interested to know what Craig's family make of this. And also if his
The Beaver King said:
Right, finally getting round to giving an update.
Craig updated me on the events that occured when he went to retrieve John's passport and clothes from the house. He turned up at the house and the mum, dad and brother were there waiting (it was 2am). Craig explained that we had spoken to John and he had made the decision to go to abroad to be with Lisa (I believe Craig may have played down our hand in helping John make his decision).
John's mum became very upset and it dawned on her how far she had pushed him. The dad and brother were equally shocked, commenting that 'this was the first real decision he had ever made on his own'. Craig explained that he was here to get John's stuff and that the family were NOT to contact him under any circumstances unless John called them first.
Initally the mother refused, but Craig convinced her that this was the only way John could make the his own mind up and he didn't need the family pressuring him. John's mum then took an hour to find the passport as she had 'lost it'..... Eventually it was found by John's dad.
The family then wrote John a letter to be delivered by Craig that said the usal family stuff, 'love him very much', 'sorry about everything' and 'if he ever needs anything he only has to call' etc. Craig then took the stuff and went to pick up John.
This part I didn't know when I originally started the thread but:
Apparently when Craig took John to the airport, he hadn't told him when the flight was leaving. Craig had purposefully booked a flight the next day and booked John in to a hotel. This meant that John had 24 hours in a hotel room on his own. Craig decided that he needed some thinking time before flying out and potentially changing his life forever, so 24 hours would give him a real chance to think things through and change his mind if need be.
John did not change his mind.
So as far as we know now, John is out in Spain with Lisa but we haven't heard from him as yet. He said to Craig that he is going to take two weeks out there to think things through and he may come back. He may not. It could be months before we see him next.
John did tell Craig that if he isn't back after two weeks, there is a nice Land Rover Discovery at his farm that Craig is to have. Apparently John did own at least one car....
So... does this mean I don't get the house thenCraig updated me on the events that occured when he went to retrieve John's passport and clothes from the house. He turned up at the house and the mum, dad and brother were there waiting (it was 2am). Craig explained that we had spoken to John and he had made the decision to go to abroad to be with Lisa (I believe Craig may have played down our hand in helping John make his decision).
John's mum became very upset and it dawned on her how far she had pushed him. The dad and brother were equally shocked, commenting that 'this was the first real decision he had ever made on his own'. Craig explained that he was here to get John's stuff and that the family were NOT to contact him under any circumstances unless John called them first.
Initally the mother refused, but Craig convinced her that this was the only way John could make the his own mind up and he didn't need the family pressuring him. John's mum then took an hour to find the passport as she had 'lost it'..... Eventually it was found by John's dad.
The family then wrote John a letter to be delivered by Craig that said the usal family stuff, 'love him very much', 'sorry about everything' and 'if he ever needs anything he only has to call' etc. Craig then took the stuff and went to pick up John.
This part I didn't know when I originally started the thread but:
Apparently when Craig took John to the airport, he hadn't told him when the flight was leaving. Craig had purposefully booked a flight the next day and booked John in to a hotel. This meant that John had 24 hours in a hotel room on his own. Craig decided that he needed some thinking time before flying out and potentially changing his life forever, so 24 hours would give him a real chance to think things through and change his mind if need be.
John did not change his mind.
So as far as we know now, John is out in Spain with Lisa but we haven't heard from him as yet. He said to Craig that he is going to take two weeks out there to think things through and he may come back. He may not. It could be months before we see him next.
John did tell Craig that if he isn't back after two weeks, there is a nice Land Rover Discovery at his farm that Craig is to have. Apparently John did own at least one car....
Life sucks sometimes
The Beaver King said:
Right, finally getting round to giving an update.
Craig updated me on the events that occured when he went to retrieve John's passport and clothes from the house. He turned up at the house and the mum, dad and brother were there waiting (it was 2am). Craig explained that we had spoken to John and he had made the decision to go to abroad to be with Lisa (I believe Craig may have played down our hand in helping John make his decision).
John's mum became very upset and it dawned on her how far she had pushed him. The dad and brother were equally shocked, commenting that 'this was the first real decision he had ever made on his own'. Craig explained that he was here to get John's stuff and that the family were NOT to contact him under any circumstances unless John called them first.
Initally the mother refused, but Craig convinced her that this was the only way John could make the his own mind up and he didn't need the family pressuring him. John's mum then took an hour to find the passport as she had 'lost it'..... Eventually it was found by John's dad.
The family then wrote John a letter to be delivered by Craig that said the usal family stuff, 'love him very much', 'sorry about everything' and 'if he ever needs anything he only has to call' etc. Craig then took the stuff and went to pick up John.
This part I didn't know when I originally started the thread but:
Apparently when Craig took John to the airport, he hadn't told him when the flight was leaving. Craig had purposefully booked a flight the next day and booked John in to a hotel. This meant that John had 24 hours in a hotel room on his own. Craig decided that he needed some thinking time before flying out and potentially changing his life forever, so 24 hours would give him a real chance to think things through and change his mind if need be.
John did not change his mind.
So as far as we know now, John is out in Spain with Lisa but we haven't heard from him as yet. He said to Craig that he is going to take two weeks out there to think things through and he may come back. He may not. It could be months before we see him next.
John did tell Craig that if he isn't back after two weeks, there is a nice Land Rover Discovery at his farm that Craig is to have. Apparently John did own at least one car....
Sounds a lot like John has got his head screwed on correctly, unlike his Mother. Craig updated me on the events that occured when he went to retrieve John's passport and clothes from the house. He turned up at the house and the mum, dad and brother were there waiting (it was 2am). Craig explained that we had spoken to John and he had made the decision to go to abroad to be with Lisa (I believe Craig may have played down our hand in helping John make his decision).
John's mum became very upset and it dawned on her how far she had pushed him. The dad and brother were equally shocked, commenting that 'this was the first real decision he had ever made on his own'. Craig explained that he was here to get John's stuff and that the family were NOT to contact him under any circumstances unless John called them first.
Initally the mother refused, but Craig convinced her that this was the only way John could make the his own mind up and he didn't need the family pressuring him. John's mum then took an hour to find the passport as she had 'lost it'..... Eventually it was found by John's dad.
The family then wrote John a letter to be delivered by Craig that said the usal family stuff, 'love him very much', 'sorry about everything' and 'if he ever needs anything he only has to call' etc. Craig then took the stuff and went to pick up John.
This part I didn't know when I originally started the thread but:
Apparently when Craig took John to the airport, he hadn't told him when the flight was leaving. Craig had purposefully booked a flight the next day and booked John in to a hotel. This meant that John had 24 hours in a hotel room on his own. Craig decided that he needed some thinking time before flying out and potentially changing his life forever, so 24 hours would give him a real chance to think things through and change his mind if need be.
John did not change his mind.
So as far as we know now, John is out in Spain with Lisa but we haven't heard from him as yet. He said to Craig that he is going to take two weeks out there to think things through and he may come back. He may not. It could be months before we see him next.
John did tell Craig that if he isn't back after two weeks, there is a nice Land Rover Discovery at his farm that Craig is to have. Apparently John did own at least one car....
extraT said:
BK, have you had any direct contact with John? Also, i'd be interested to know what Craig's family make of this. And also if his job in the mafia at the family firm is safe?
I haven't spoken to John since he left. He isn't one for Facebook and I don't have his email address, plus I think it is probably better to give him at least a few weeks to think about things without contact from anyone back home.Haha, Craig's family is a story in itself. To cut a long story short, when I said that Craig isn't very good with verbalising things I was being serious. I've known him 10 years and he has always been very emotionless, he is very clinical in his decision making and, although I'm sure he does feel stuff, he very rarely shows it. Needless to say, he doesn't speak to his mother anymore, his fathe ris very much like him and he is extremely independent.
I have a very unusual group of friends, but they're absolutely brilliant and we are all very close.
Craig's job is safe as it stands. The family understand his involvement and respect the fact he was helping his friend. That said, it is easy to fall in and out of favour with the family, so who knows....
Harry H said:
You see, women always play the long ball. That's why us mere men are just pawns in their game. But Ali's right, John, I'm afraid is fked.
£600 in his back pocket, little to no work skills and in Spain, a country with 20% unemployment. This would be tough for the hardest street animal let alone a mummy's boy. You may have encouraged him to do the noble thing but I 'm not sure it was the right way to play this particular game.
3 weeks then back home with his tail between his legs forever under mummy's thumb is my bet
This is a possibility. ked.£600 in his back pocket, little to no work skills and in Spain, a country with 20% unemployment. This would be tough for the hardest street animal let alone a mummy's boy. You may have encouraged him to do the noble thing but I 'm not sure it was the right way to play this particular game.
3 weeks then back home with his tail between his legs forever under mummy's thumb is my bet
I don't think we see him moving to Spain as a long-term option though. He may well end up staying there, but the main point of him going was to make a statement to his family (read mother) that he is taking control of his own life.
He may well come home, but we hope by absconding it has shocked his mother enough to relinquish her stranglehold on him and to show John what true independence is. This truly is the first time John has gone against his parents wishes, so we hope it is the start of a greater change in John.
You couldn't be more wrong if you tried. Very very English, almost certainly voters for BNP.The Beaver King said:
and to show John what true independence is. This truly is the first time John has gone against his parents wishes, so we hope it is the start of a greater change in John.
I think you'll find John will think independence is pretty st when stuck in a foreign country with only £600 in his back pocket and virtually no job prospects.Has he even got the cash for a flight home ??
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