Removing cheating spouse from home - URGENT advice needed

[theboss]

Thanks guys.

Going to the police probably opens a bigger can of worms due to my methods of obtaining this evidence, plus nothing has actually happened to me, it really amounts to posturing on his part and they would probably just claim it's some bizarre fantasy / role play (like the rest of the world they inhabit).

Of course I will withdraw support to a degree but this won't be total given that I'm a guarantor on her tenancy (the only way she could get one) so if she defaults I'm paying it anyway, at least until the end of the tenancy at which point I can refuse to extend. We have two children together whose lives she will continue to play a major role in, so if I pull the rug totally I'm going to (1) subject my kids to yet further volatility (their mother has moved house 4 times in 12 months now) and (2) possibly find myself being compelled to maintain her by a court. I've been a sole earner for the last 15 years. I can try and have residence of the children but that won't feel so great when they are screaming for their mother (which they will at some point) and when I have to give up work to look after them - so a balance has to be struck and it will involve me paying her something. I did see the car as merely a cheap lease for the kids for safety's sake but I'll be taking that back soon - driving an utter shed will be the ultimate humble pie for her - or she can get her lover to provide an alternative.

Divorce wise I got to the stage where the decree nisi was issued so I can apply for a decree absolute - it's only likely to be granted when we have settled on financial matters though.

In terms of the original marital home, it's rented and the tenancy is in my name solely so there is no coming back. She has taken various belongings to furnish her own place, but only cheaper surplus items so I've effectively retained the decent contents of the house. Apart from that, a SIPP each (not big) and a few unsecured debts there's nothing to divide. A bigger concern is my medico-legal proceedings which could - in theory - see me receive a substantial damages payment in 4-5 years time. That possibility will have to be declared according to my solicitor and I don't doubt she'll be staking her claim if that happens in the future - but it's a while down the road.

I have no attachment to the woman - if it weren't for our children who I believe have been badly affected by what's happened to date - I'd be living as far away as possible and having absolutely nothing to do with her again. I have only ever acted for their interests - not because I want any sort of continuing relationship with her.

[theboss]

My solicitor has taken this revelation of threats very seriously and is liaising with colleagues in criminal law to understand the implications of me reporting to the police based on covertly obtained evidence - I'm going to park this aspect of the discussion until I know what's happening.

The medico-legal stuff is complicated - I have taken advice here from a range of sources - but there has been recent precedence for ex-wives to claim - and be awarded - a share of compensation payouts in relation to disabilities It's disgusting, but it's the world we live in. The general consesus is that it's not possible to completely avoid this risk, but that any 'entitlement' on her part would be limited to sums paid in respect of future lost income, rather than (for example) future care needs or home adaptations. Therefore the structure of any future settlement would dictate whether she had a claim, as would her own circumstances at the time. I can only hope she re-marries in that timeframe.

There's also no way I can hide this possibility from the wife, or I obviously wouldn't be mentioning it here. It goes back to the weeks before we separated - she sat in hospital with me and was party to conversations with my own medical consultants who advised me to seek legal advice (that was all they could say on the matter, of course).

As nice as it would be to brutally withdraw any future support, its cheaper to pay her rent for the time being than any of the alternatives. I was burning on average 2-3x her rent per month on legal fees last year and my working life would stand to be disrupted considerably if I had to pick up a greater share of childcare. She would also go straight back to the CMS and have my income assessed for child maintenance and the next thing I know I'd be legally compelled to pay her at least as much as I already am. She may well disrupt my contact with them too. For the time being its far easier to just pay her rent, and at least in doing so she won't fall into arrears risking further disruption to the kids.

[theboss]

hutchst said:

Presumably you will be structuring your medical damages claim in such a way that spousal support forms a specific head of claim, and you won't argue about passing on whatever you get awarded in that respect.

Spousal support won't come into it - there's no chance I'll claim for her benefit and if I am successful in being compensated I'd fight tooth and nail to prevent her from being enriched by my misfortune - or just blow it all on coke and hookers before she can stop me.

Oh and there's a positive I wanted to add to the thread. I recently bit the bullet, found a personal trainer who is liaising with my physiotherapy team at the spinal centre and am 4 weeks into an exercise routine for the first time in my life. Losing a few stone and building core strength can only help my lower back help to prevent further deterioration. I figured health has to come first now and I feel a lot better for it already.

Edited by theboss on Wednesday 3rd May 13:09

[theboss]

Ascayman said:

Rude-boy said:

My take on it - explain to the kids quietly and in a way that they understand that Mummy did something that hurt Daddy very much and they were trying to work through it but unfortunately Mummy chose to do it again and therefore Mummy may not be able to spend as much time with them as they would all like over the next few months whilst things sort out.

Why on earth bring the kids into it?? These are adult problems let the adults deal with it. Using the kids / emotional blackmail is a ish thing to do.

I agree, with the greatest respect to Rude-boy, I try now to keep these matters away from the kids, in contrast to their mother who projects all her problems and stresses onto them.

I'm also incredibly wary knowing that last year, whenever I discussed 'adult' issues at a level I thought appropriate with my daughter (who was incredibly perceptive and asked a lot of 'adult' questions), I knew the ex would end up hearing about the conversation and then provided a daily commentary to Children's Services making all sorts of accusations against me. Its easy to say that you don't talk to the kids about any of these things, but when you take a bright, inquisitive child, strip them of their innocence and thrust them into a new very adult world of relationship breakdowns and 'new daddies', they tend to go to people they trust most and demand answers. At least mine did.

Re the medical stuff, it's really too early to even think about it and if it transpires that a settlement is likely then I'll be taking financial advice in addition to being well represented legally. I don't know how badly my career has been impacted because I've very fortunately held down a consultancy engagement with a very sympathetic client which has been very accommodating with respect to my problems and sudden limitations. All good things come to an end, and when this does, I don't know how fit I'll be for more typical work I've built my career on.

I hope I can continue to recover and rehabilitate myself such that the impact to future earnings is minimal, but the harsh reality is that I now spend many hours a day performing bladder and bowel management routines and would struggle with pressured working environment, long hours, commuting and so on. The damage sustained is almost certainly permanent. A payout would provide financial security and I'd also be thinking of future care needs because whilst things are self-manageable at 35, its only going to go downhill as I age.

Edited by theboss on Wednesday 3rd May 17:47

[theboss]

I can only speculate, but I believe he setup the new home for my wife and kids with the intention that she would continue in the mistress role but with the benefit of a very private daytime venue for their meetings and with me firmly out of the way. The wife was besotted and I'm sure she would have settled for this, knowing that it would have portrayed a 'clean' separation to our family/friends. The new home was rented by him and it was a secluded cottage miles even from a public road so there would have been no passing traffic or nosey neighbours. I'm sure in time my wife would have expected him to leave his own wife, but I expect he would have postponed that for as long as possible.

Things went slightly pear-shaped because I managed to get into my wife's phone (about 12 hours before I started this thread) at which point their relationship and all their plans were laid bare. Knowing they had been rumbled, he promptly rushed to his own home, packed a bag and told his wife he was leaving with no expanation. I didn't tell his wife - but I effectively put a gun to his head and made him do so.

A further month then passed before I finally managed to get hold of his wife - she was still utterly distraught and bewildered by the situation and was shocked when I revealed the timelines of their affair - she figured he'd had a bizarre sudden mid-life crisis and ran off with a younger woman but had no idea about the double life he had been leading.

With facts laid bare, his own kids then rejected his contact and still have very little to do with him now. The was another humiliating blow I inflicted which I'm not sure if I mentioned - I found a grubby 'self portrait' on my wife's laptop before she left with a date co-inciding to the early stage of their relationship. I passed this to his wife who confirmed it was 'his' because I wanted to try and help prove the timelines concerned. The next thing I heard, practically everyone in their street and seen and laughed at the image, and his teenage daughters were disgusted to learn that their father had been 'sexting' his plaything from the family bathroom.

That marked the commencement of the fighting which has been documented in this thread, with his wife and I socialising and also colluding on legal and financial matters, effectively conspiring to put them under as much pressure as possible. They accuse us of being angry, bitter and malicious and he ultimately bears a huge grudge against me because I exposed him for what he is. He is also a total fantasist / Walter Mitty type who boasts of all sorts of dodgy dealings and underworld connections, hence him resorting to silly threats about ordering me a beating by his associates.

Hope that clears things up a bit.

Edited by theboss on Thursday 4th May 13:08

[theboss]

Byker28i said:

No mention of him dominating his hallway/driveway though?

That one is lost on me I'm afraid!

Durzel - I am sufficiently emotionally detached that I can laugh about it all. If nothing else I hope this thread can be of some reassurance to others who may find themselves in the same sort of mess and prove that with sufficient time, everything really does resolve and life does move on. I say that even when I still have a lot of st to deal with - because despite this, the future really does seems bright.

In contrast, nearly a year ago from now I remember just sitting one evening in the garden of my home in silence, the kids bikes and toys wherever they had left them, watching the swallows flying around overhead, with a drink in my hand and wondering how the hell she could smash our family's existence to pieces. I can't really express in words, the despair I felt at that time. Now I quite like having the place to myself.

Edited by theboss on Thursday 4th May 14:50

[theboss]

Muzzer79 said:

Difficult situation

You kind of have to keep supporting her with house and car as you're supporting the children. I don't think anyone who has read your posts properly can disagree with the fact you are not just giving your ex-wife an easy life.

Thankyou, if anyone thinks I am bending over meeklyand caving in to her every demand, they are mistaken. I admit I took pity when she turned up on my doorstep and had nowhere to go after he threw her out. Kicking her to the gutter in that situation, after having built a life and family together, would have been far easier said than done. What I've tried to do is help her onto her own two feet thinking of the best outcome for her and the kids collectively on the basis that her and the kids' interests are inextricably linked. If it weren't for the existence of our kids I wouldn't have looked her in the face nor uttered a word to her - just closed the door - in fact I'd probably have just taken a contract overseas and fked off.

[theboss]

I haven't done anything yet about the threat, other than consult my solicitor who referred the matter to colleagues who deal with criminal law and also a specialist in electronic media / communications.

Essentially they concur that it would be a good idea to report the matter to the police if I believe the threats are serious, but in doing so I open a can of worms by implicating myself for having gained access to private correspondence. Its uncertain but knowing how the police work I suspect he'd get a mild warning regarding the threat, and I'd get arrested for looking at her phone. There are a number of factors which complicate the matter e.g. technically I could produce invoices and argue that I own the phone. If I'm honest, I don't really want to go there. Its useful just to know where I stand.

I have also talked with the other guy's wife and again, she assures me he's a total fantasist (a proper Walter Mitty, in her own words).

I also don't want to rock the boat right now. Wife is having job interviews and seems to be on the right path in terms of seeking employment. Ultimately I want her standing on her own two feet and she knows that as she starts earning, the support I currently provide will be withdrawn gradually, especially as I may be required to have care of the children more often.

I have become good mates with my locksmith so he's going to re-key my locks at mate's rates the moment I feel that is necessary. Not a lot of work involved.

On a less positive note, my stepson who is about to turn 17 has well and truly gone off the rails despite my careful guidance. He is currently living between his mother's and her parents' houses. He is hell bent on quitting college, has become idle, entitled and frankly obnoxious - I'd laid down my terms by which he can stay with me (which involves showing basic respect for me, his bedroom, and basically mucking in a little bit) and so far he has stayed away. He seems very angry and I don't doubt that the last year has really taken its toll. The wife has sought referrals to various agencies via his college's safeguarding team - I hope he can get some professional help.

[theboss]

He still lives alone in the house they moved into together... last I heard his eldest daughter had reconciled and gone to stay with him. He won't want his daughter getting wind of my ex being on the scene, none of his kids like her for fairly obvious reasons.

I have read back early sections of the thread and it's very painful to me, it brings back the extent of the emotional turmoil. It's easy to forget just how bad the experience was exactly a year ago. It's funny how in the process of moving on, you do just mentally block out the memories and the past emotions.

[theboss]

AndStilliRise said:

Do you think that the other guy was trying to leave his wife and used the circumstances to his advantage. It just seems as though financialy he used your wife to get a new company registered and move all the money over. Was it case of anyone else or did have to be your wife?

I can only speculate, but I think he very much enjoyed having the best of both worlds - his wife of 20+ years diligiently looking after his home and kids, putting tea on the table and ironing his pants, plus my wife - his skinny silicon-breasted little floozy 14 years his junior, providing filthy sex on tap whilst falling hook-line-and-sinker for his every claim in besotted adoration.

At some point the affair furthered to the point where my wife was willing to give everything up for him, but I'm not convinced he wanted to do the same. According to his wife he was acting completely normally leading up to the 'jump', he made a substantial downpayment on a familiy holiday days befiore, and hadn't attempted to move/hide money or do any of the things you would expect one to do. It was only when my phone hack / discovery took place that he very abruptly made the jump, and the rest is history.

The company was incorporated about a week after that. This allowed him to essentially divert his current business income to a new entity and then claim to all and sundry that he had no (declarable) income or business interest. The CMS for example were unable to extract child support payments from him.

HIs wife assures me that during the course of their financial rememdy proceedings, the judge has ordered him to disclose financial records of that business in time for their next hearing, in 6-8 weeks time, so his income and the length he went to in order to obfuscate it, will invariable come out in the wash.

[theboss]

mjb1 said:

Who paid for the floozy's silicon - is that marital asset listed in the financial declarations?

Not much you can do about your step son, just let him know that you'll always be there to listen if he wants to talk.

I have a theory that (and it's a very general one, there will always be exceptions) women tend to have affairs for emotional attention, blokes do purely for more physical attention. This ends up with most cheating women thinking the affair is the start of something proper, while the bloke is just happy getting his end away, and probably has no real intention of leaving his wife. Then they get found out, she lays it on thick about their future together. At this point most blokes go crawling back to their wives, begging forgiveness. They only carry on with the new woman if the wife won't have him back. My theory fits with the OP's description of events in this case anyway.

I am in a slightly similar position regarding the 'data breach' with my ex. Have 'accidentally' seen some of her Facebook private messages, which prove that she's behaving in a way that would raise eyebrows with social services (nothing horrendously bad, but my ex has history with social services involvement). But I didn't screenshot them, so I have no physical evidence of their content, if I raise it with social services it'll just be my word against hers and could just look like I'm making up accusations to discredit her. I can't very well say I've seen her private messages as that probably breaks some electronic privacy laws. If they were really serious matters, and I did have screenshots of the messages, then I guess I would have to take any repercussions on the chin.

The silicon cost me about £11k as she had the original ones replaced. That was about the same time she met the . So yes, muggins here foots the bill - recurring theme or what?

If I were you I would take screenshots but be very careful not to incriminate yourself. Your childrens' welfare comes above any data privacy laws and if you had a genuine concern to begin with, that may be considered just cause for covertly observing her private correspondence.

[theboss]

The second job always costs a lot more than the first, because you're paying the surgeon to remove the old st as well as install new.

I'm sure they've endured plenty of custard tests to date.

[theboss]

Several things have happened this week, all of which are good insofar as that the ex is seeming to move on.

First she has well and truly broken things off with the other guy, cue much crying on my shoulder, and it has swiftly transpired that indeed he has a new girlfriend who may have been on the scene for longer than she realised! She cried when she dropped the kids off and accused me of "rubbing it in"

Recently she received a job offer above her pay expectations and she is excited about that. I have explained that my support will reduce, and I may have to care for the children more midweek as she will be working shifts (working with "looked after" children).

Tonight she is off on a date with a guy who is a mutual aquaintence, and I know he is a good guy, also long-term separated. I wish she could learn to cope with being alone rather than seek to rush into the next big thing, but it is only a date.

My own circumstances have wobbled slightly as I am in the process of having to find another job, and the market isn't great. I'll find something though, I always do... but it means rising to the challenge of potentially less flexible working arrangements (more travel and onsite attendance) which with my disabilities will not be easy. I just have to take that as it comes. A loss of income isn't really what I need right now.

[theboss]

InitialDave said:

Is he aware/has he been warned of the story up to now?

No, and its not my business to. I use the term mutual aquaintance loosely - he's one of the school Dads and I know he separated from his wife a number of years ago. He knows she left me for someone else but probably little more.

My ever-so-perceptive 8 year old has already discreetly clocked the guy's name appearing on her Mum's phone followed by much giggling and eager texting and told me that "Mummy is chatting to my friend's Dad all day, it's suspicious" so I'm just waiting for that to get back to his own estranged wife via the children chatting. I predict there being lots of rumours on the school playground circuit. My wife has probably already gained a reputation as a danger to anyone's stable marriage. At least she has had the sense to go for a separated one.

[theboss]

AndStilliRise said:

So that's 3 blokes, 3 houses, 3 cars (ML gone back?) In 6mths?

At least 3 blokes (who knows who else has "been there"), 4 houses because she has moved to a new one recently, and 2 cars (yes he took the ML back but she is now back in my Golf R which I just think of as the kids' cheap lease). It'll be 3 cars when the Golf goes back!

[theboss]

She claims she regrets it. She likes to 'hang around' at my place a lot, with the kids, and we get on just fine. I think what she really misses though, is having such a materially privileged and easy non-working life.

Several recent developments on the employment front which stand to impact our current childcare sharing arrangement. First she has been offered a full time job - not a bad one either given her lack of qualifications and experience. It will involve some shift work / nights (resedential child care). At the same time my contract - which has kept me solvent throughout this whole ordeal - has abruptly ended and I've landed something else which will require me to stay away Monday-Friday.

This leaves us in a bit of a quandry - she is telling me she will need more help with the kids mid-week and at the same time I am effectively moving away for the working week. My mother would help but has recently had to start providing full-time care for my elderly grandparents.

I'm sure we'll work it all out, its just another fresh challenge.

I did talk with the ex this week about finalising our divorce. Her immediate response was to question whether my obligation to make child support payments would be part of any consent order.

[theboss]

AndStilliRise said:

Clearly she knows who is charge now.

What happened to the mutual bloke she had started seeing? And your teenage son, is is still having issues?

She's still paying her outstanding solicitor's fees from last year in monthly instalments and has no appetite for accruing more.

The problem I may have is getting her to agree to a proposal but on the other hand I am not exactly in secure employment and if it looked as though she could enforceably rinse me for a large proportion of my income I might get so stressed I'd have to stop working.

She has dated that guy but not sure its going anywhere just yet... (he's probably found this thread )

Son is staying with his grandparents (on her side) which is probably the best thing for him at the moment. He has thrown the towel in on college and has no motivation to work or pursue any further academic interest. This is one problem I'm glad to be able to offload at the moment. I don't need an idle self-entitled youth sponging off me.

[theboss]

So nearly a month on... in that timeframe a number of things have happened:

1) ex, gloating about the final breakup with the affair partner, signed up to dating apps and within a few days of doing so has entered a new relationship altogether which she seems head over heels about. She's had him over to meet the kids and he now stays at her new home regularly. If he's as nice a guy as she believes, then I'm pleased as she is no longer hovering around me reminiscing about the life she threw away, and it also means the affair partner is out of the picture finally (not that he affects me personally, but he's a nasty-minded, manipulative individual and I want him as far away from my kids' lives as possible).

2) I'm now several weeks into a new contract on the South Coast which necessitates being away midweek. This means I'll have the kids every weekend, and ties quite nicely into the point above, because the ex now wants childless weekends in bed with her new love interest. This does mean that I'm going to find myself fairly stretched although at least I get some time to myself when I'm staying away.

3) ex starts her new job in August, at which point her Mum will be helping out with childcare in both of our absences. The kids know this change is coming and aren't happy about it, but I've had to explain that we both have to work now.

4) Financially I feel like I've been hit over the head with a sledgehammer, the last 15 months has taken its toll and I'm exhausted. My current spending including financially supporting her, is unsustainable and I've told the ex she pays her own rent when she starts receiving a salary. I've kept everyones heads above the water but now I have to scale things back. I'm contemplating folding the family home and just living more cheaply near work but that does pose a difficulty as far as having the kids on the weekend is concerned. It just seems madness forking out to run a large scale family home I'm only at for 2-3 nights a week. I need to financially recuperate. Fortunately I have a long-term and reasonably well paid contract so its not the end of the world.

5) The medico-legal proceedings are progressing, all my medical records have been collated and make for harrowing reading in the sense that my nerve damage was so unavoidable, but on the flip side that does mean that my claim looks very strong. Living with cauda equina syndrome is no joke.

[theboss]

Yes I rent my Shropshire home - that's why the ex jumped rather than trying to eject me from the family home. I have absolutely no doubt that if it had been owned, she'd still be living there now with the original affair whilst I serviced the mortgage.

Its a large barn conversion in open countryside, on a large family-owned estate with 150+ properties, and effectively a tenancy for life if desired.

I'm in two minds - it seems a waste of money keeping it going only for weekends - but if I were to get rid then I'd either have to firesell the contents, put it all in storage or rent a similar sized place in Hampshire which would cost at least twice as much.

Its probably cheaper to leave the home intact, and either rent a flat near work (circa £800/month, which I could expense for <2 years) or carry on using hotels.

I don't fancy sharing a house or having a lodging because owing to my medical condition, I need my own bathroom, space and privacy.

Hotels seem expensive but are VAT and tax deductible, flexible, provide catering and leisure/gym facilities and a few extra perks such as the Eastern European staff quarters BBQ I've been invited to this evening

[theboss]

stuttgartmetal said:

The ex sounds like she a bit bipolar
Getting involved n relationships seems like her high
New cars houses, ditto. A bit high
Does she have crashing "downs" ?

It would seem so.

When she moved out of the 'original' love nest back in October she was seriously distraught. It played into my hands rather nicely because we had the CAFCAS phone interviews for my pending court order the very next day. She was a sobbing wreck even during her phone interview, talking about going to the GP and expressing suicidal thoughts. When I had my turn to speak to the CAFCAS worker one of the first questions they asked is if I held concerns for my wife's mental health. All on record now, of course.

Subsequently, the 'final breakup' with this guy resulted in her being all over the place emotionally. She doesn't cope with any significant challenge very well.

AndrewCrown said:

Boss...with all the challenges you have had...find a way to keep the barn...you need that that constant 'home'...unchanged piece whilst everything else eventually falls into place...

Thankyou, that is my gut feeling also. I feel it has become something of a safe haven for the kids, as its a remnant of their former 'stable' family life that they now associate with me. I'm particularly close to my youngest and I think it would affect her badly if I folded the home. I also have to consider the practical reality of wanting to spend weekends with them and certainly don't want to start ferrying them up and down the country.