Removing cheating spouse from home - URGENT advice needed

[theboss]

Thought it was about time I provided an update.

(SoonToBeEx-)wife is now in a bit of a limbo, has had several failed relationships and admitted to me she has only recently cut contact with the original antagonist in this whole sorry affair i.e. she's been seeing him after he's moved in with a new woman! You couldn't make this up.

I get regular sob stories about how we should give it one more go... I calmly and kindly have to just tell her it would never work and that she should move on. I feel she just wants her old lifestyle back - not me personally.

My personal circumstances have become very difficult, I'm struggling with working away from home in a demanding and totally inflexible corporate environment with the various health issues I have.

Some luck has come my way despite this - I recently received a call from a former banking client in London and have had a very generous contract offer. This will be a long term role with people who already know me and understand my situation, allowances are being made for my limitations and I will get to
work from home more than I do now, and also stand to earn considerably more which helps when I'm still reeling from the financial impact of the last 18 months.

On the female front things have been a little complicated but suffice to say I have had more fun in the last few months than in the last 6 years of my marriage. And yes, the Eastern European hotel staff house party did play a role in this.

Edited by theboss on Thursday 2nd November 18:01

[theboss]

xjay1337 said:

Polish tinder?

Glad you are doing better!

Thanks - you don’t need Polish tinder - just go to Southampton where there is a considerable community!

[theboss]

Ultra Sound Guy said:

theboss said:

Thanks - you don’t need Polish tinder - just go to Southampton where there is a considerable community!

Southampton you say? Can you recommend any bars/clubs?

I rarely venture out in the evenings - too busy! ;-)

Also you don’t need bars - just chat to the staff in any hotel or go shopping for groceries in the Polish supermarket and get chatting to some of the young mums.

I’ll be keeping an eye out of the window now to see if a considerable number of “PH” cars with director types start turning up.

Anyway i’m leaving it all behind soon for the even more diverse London dating scene

[theboss]

Burnzyb said:

Epic thread boss, just read it from start to finish, glad to see things are on the up, I wouldn’t trust your ex as far as I could throw her though as how many times has she supposedly split up with this bloke?

All the best with all your new ventures and please update if you feel the need or want to

The short answer is lots... and always in emotional turmoil either because she’s on her own or because the bloke she has thrown herself into a relationship with wants a serious commitment and her undivided attention. And all the while the original affair guy is still on the scene despite him having left his wife, kicked my wife out of his home and now living with someone else. It’s a total cluster fk.

Thanks for the support. I don’t want to go back there, don’t you worry. It’s funny that I can get on just fine with her now for the kids sake, in spite of everything - that itself should be testament to my emotional detachment.

[theboss]

I don’t know who jumped to the conclusions about Poland - I’m still enjoying Romania and am Hungary for more!

[theboss]

Today I sent the form requesting my decree absolute.

A lot has happened since my last update but fortunately it’s all been generally very stable and co-operative so far as the day to day needs of the children are concerned.

The Ex has recently stated she wants “long term” maintenance for the children and seems to be using our autistic daughter as a crutch, citing that she will have care needs long beyond reaching adulthood.

She is also back in an “established” relationship with the original antoagnist if the thread. Kids are not impressed.

My medico-legal proceedings are in progress. I’m seeing a consultant neurologist this week and after his report my claim will be sent to the defendant trust along with 5 other expert witness reports all very supportive of my position.

I’m in a new relationship as of 6 months ago and things are going well.

Edited by theboss on Monday 23 April 00:34

[theboss]

Psycho Warren said:

So in effect she wants PIP payments from you?

Sadly, it seems that way, although I’m actually the one in receipt of PIP myself. She doesn’t work but conveniently plays the disabled child card which of course only stands to hold our daughter back.

Essentially any compensation paid in respect of lost future income is vulnerable to a claim by the ex in the future; it’s unavoidable unless she dies, remarries or I do something extreme such as leaving the country. Unfortunately my circumstances are such that my claim will be structured based largely on the likely loss of income - my disabilities are at the less severe end of the spectrum as far as spinal injuries go - but on the other hand I was a high earner in my early thirties when it happened. It would be morally dispicable to try and get her hands on this money and she would stand to alienate herself from her own children if she did so - but that wouldn’t stop her. The best thing I can do is restructure my work/life balance to be able to accommodate the kids more, meaning that she would have a harder time basing any claim on the needs of the children (assuming I am caring for them half of the time). I think eventually the kids will vote with their feet. My job is about to allow flexible home working from the summer months onwards which brings great potential.

So the big news is that this afternoon, just over 2 years since I started this thread, I received my decree absolute which was granted a few days ago. I feel a huge sense of relief. I’m flying this evening to see my attractive, younger girlfriend of 6 months in her home country for a champagne-fuelled dirty weekend. Life has continued to get better and better.

[theboss]

Ultra Sound Guy said:

That’s too young, even by my standards,

[theboss]

Well, I gave her a copy of the decree absolute because she's moved house so many times in 2 years that her copy from the court will be lost.

Full blown mental. "You can't do that, I wasn't involved, I didn't give my permission, you can't do that, you can't do that". Taking me for everything she can get. New solicitors instructed by her. The gloves are back on....

I must admit, I still took some enjoyment in the moment.

Edited by theboss on Sunday 20th May 16:54

[theboss]

The marriage is finally over, yes. If only that meant the end.

Finances are as yet unresolved and, unless she either remarries or dies, or unless I can get a court issued consent order dictating a clean break settlement, she can continue to be a pain in the arse.

Sadly with very little to give her now (no property or substantial assets) to divide and thus incentivise her co-operation, and with the prospective medical negligence award I’m seeking hanging in the future, I think it’s going to be hard to put the matter to rest.

[theboss]

CoolHands said:

How did she think it would end?

With a judge ordering me to give her x% of my future income forever, and a large slice of whatever compo settlement I might obtain in 2-4 years time.

[theboss]

Psycho Warren said:

I dont understand how they can get their claws into YOUR personal disability compensation. Thats for YOUR disability not hers. When I had an ex go psycho years ago, she tried to get her claws into my house and war pension. Thank fk I never married her and luckily her kids were somebody elses.

Lesson hard learnt as i only let her move in thinking i was doing the right thing when as a G/f she had been made homeless. Turned out she had fabricated the whole situaton to try and get a home and income for her kids by taking me for a mug.

Unfortunately it seems impossible to completely protect compensation payments from money grabbing exes.

In particular, any sums paid in respect of lost future earnings are 'fair game' for such a claim - damages for pain and suffering, future care needs etc. less so. In my case loss of earnings will be a considerable head of loss because I earn well and have inevitably had 5-10 years taken off my working life.

It also seems as though 'needs of the children' override all common sense, she will claim she is their primary caregiver and destitute vs. me being comfortably well off but only having the children 20-30% of the time (in actuality all weekend every weekend vs school mornings/nights), and 'their needs' - and by extension hers - will take precedence. She has effectively crafted her own financial dependency on the children and will aggressively protect her interests e.g. becoming dictatorial about who has the children and when. We went through this in the past, I started court proceedings and then backed down (regrettably).

There are a few nuclear options like moving overseas I suppose.

Edited by theboss on Sunday 20th May 21:01

[theboss]

GCH said:

Don1 said:

It's a decree absolute. Isn't the name in the title. It's done. Over. Isn't it?

Yes it is, but you can be legally divorced, but not have the finances sorted.
Two completely separate things unfortunately! Bizarre, but it is what it is.

Yep. And even then, financial remedy only concerns division of marital assets and liabilities - child support is out of scope. She would have to apply for a separate order. Given that I'm self-employed and partially disabled (thus with uncertain income prospects) she'll probably in any case just be referred to the CMS who can assess my income year by year. I'm trying to avoid that.

[theboss]

WinstonWolf said:

Could you go for an interim payment and delay full payout until such time as you've secured your own financial interests?

Not sure - its still a long way away from court. Its taken me over a year just to gather records and consult medical expert witnesses, about 6 in total so far. Its a hell of a long process.

[theboss]

theguvernor15 said:

OP, whilst not ever married to my childs mother, she is a serial benefits receiver, receiving everything under the sun & refers to it as 'getting paid'.
So i sympathise with a money grabbing ex.

It sounds like your ex is financially driven, has it ever occurred to you, just to spite her, to get into a job where you'd earn next to nothing, so she can't take any of it, i mean it's not ideal, but if you wanted to be a total arse you could do it..

I can't entertain the idea of taking low paid work - I'm stuck in a trap of relatively high income / high outgoing, plus servicing some debts from the married days. In the year leading up to our separation I strongly suspected what was going on and become despondent and was financially reckless because I hated the thought of her running off with any money I had. As a contractor I've also been stung by changes to the tax regime. The immediate crisis of separation and trying to ensure stability for the kids has passed and I'm now left picking up the pieces. I aspire to sort the finances over the next 2 years whilst I have a lucrative contract in London, then when the financial pressure is off I aim to wind down and work on a much more consultative basis, put as much in the pension as possible and pay myself the bare minimum.

I also have a fantastic girlfriend in Belgrade where the cost of living is very low by UK standards - we intend to settle here - but if things turn very sour with the ex I could always go and live there, work 5-10 days a month in London and still live on several multiples of the average local wage. It would be difficult not living near the kids but their mother seems hell bent on forcing my hand.

[theboss]

anonymous said:

[redacted]

This level of irrationality never ceases to amaze me. I had this one time in August 2016 when she tried to take my daughter (then 7) who point blank refused to leave with her and clung to me. The ex was absolutely crazy. No sense of reason or perspective, nor any care for the screaming kid. Just hell bent on proving her point and getting her own way. Totally self-obsessed.

The Selfish Gene said:

sorry to but in, just idling reading interesting threads........

but surely this is the answer? Or do you still get classed as financially in the UK if you're working more than (*a set number of days) and thus still paying UK Tax and thus would still be liable.

However, you're a contractor..........with a Limited Company?

You can hopefully put as much as humanly possible through expenses, and thus only release the absolute minimum to yourself that she would be entitled to?

I guess the disability is a personal chunk and so you're be in trouble - unless of course you could get a contract long term out Belgrade way , or at least NOT the UK..........then the UK government couldn't know how much you're earning.......and you could pay what you deemed appropriate....

slightly nuclear option but could work?

Working in the Balkans isn't much of a prospect because pay would be low (whats the point when I can just fly to London and get X hundred a day) and there is an obvious language barrier. I get approached about English speaking engagements in Switzerland and Germany frequently though, where pay is of course much higher, so I would certainly have options. I could always look at setting up a Serbian registered business with a Euro account to bill my UK clients (if remotely feasible), before long I'd be living the Layer Cake dream hanging out with war criminal drug lords and driving an RS6.

I really rate the place actually. My son is joining me in 3 weeks time for his 18th birthday - the nightlife in the summer is supposed to be really something.

[theboss]

solo2 said:

We're not all bat st psycho as you put it. My Ex husband is the male version of the comments made about ex wives. The things he has done over the years and not done are endless and I cannot wait to have nothing more to do with him.

Eldest is now 18 and youngest is 12 so I have 5/6 years more of his st before I can either ignore the tw@t totally or tell him what a useless excuse of a father he is, I've yet to decide which. I creased up laughing a few months back on a regular check of youngest phone to see in the weeks before youngest had texted him telling him he was a useless father and a few home truths from a child's pov, there wasn't even a response to defend himself.

Either way I believe in karma and just hope his life becomes as st as he's made his poor kids childhood.

My girls incessantly message and facetime with my girlfriend, even from their mothers house, which probably winds the ex up considerably.

Girlfriend has now sent me screenshots of my 9 year old saying the most hateful things about her mother - essentially calling her a waste of space.

Very worrying tbh... as it shows she is feeling deeply unsettled / unhappy but doesn't open up to me. It's happened a few times now so probably not just the aftermath of a disagreement. My daughter is generally very sensitive with a gentle temperament.

[theboss]

The ex has now moved formally by instructing a new solicitor who has written to mine advising she is applying for a court order in respect of finances.

Obviously the details have yet to materialise but it will be interesting to see where she's going. I suspect she will be applying for maintenance in addition to division of marital assets/liabilities. Interesting times ahead.

I've pre-emptively had my locks altered so the key she has been carrying for a while no longer works. Can't have her snooping around.

[theboss]

hyphen said:

Reading back to your first post , Isn't she living with the new bloke, so is she entitled to any maintenance? And did the eldest move in with you or end up going too?

If possible, no matter how much you dislike her, I would attempt to do it direct without solicitors, will just be wasted money all around.

A shed load has happened since then - she lived with the for 6 months then got kicked out - then I helped her establish her own rental - now she is back with the guy but not cohabiting. The eldest (stepson) is living between hers, mine and his grandparents (I work away from home midweek).

It’s okay saying don’t use solicitors - it ultimately I aim to obtain a consent order as that’s the only thing stopping her coming for me in the future when I (hopefully) drain the NHS litigation authorities budget.

[theboss]

anonymous said:

[redacted]

Possibly. Or alternatively because the pair of them are so feckless and vascilating in their emotions, whilst harbouring delusional ideas about children on all sides happily embracing their upheavals and spouses merely fading into irrelevance.

I have a few nuclear options up my sleeve, like hard evidence of benefit fraud, not to mention the Balkan option. If it looks as though she has me over a barrel at any point it will be mutually assured destruction.