Removing cheating spouse from home - URGENT advice needed
Discussion
Richie Slow said:
Actus Reus said:
OP - yes, I am a lawyer (categorically not my area of law though) so seek advice - ring local firms now. Some may be open on a Saturday morning.
I don't have nearly enough details, you cannot change the locks (nor can she). You both have a right to remain there. If you do so she'd be within her rights to ask the old bill to accompany her to the property. This does happen. This is not a route you want to go down. Ignore this thread and seek professional advice as soon as you can get it. This is complicated and a horrible situation, but changing locks, emptying bank accounts and having arguments are not productive courses of action. Try and keep your eye on the long game.
And with that I'm out - Internet forums are bad places for this kind of advice*.
I agree.I don't have nearly enough details, you cannot change the locks (nor can she). You both have a right to remain there. If you do so she'd be within her rights to ask the old bill to accompany her to the property. This does happen. This is not a route you want to go down. Ignore this thread and seek professional advice as soon as you can get it. This is complicated and a horrible situation, but changing locks, emptying bank accounts and having arguments are not productive courses of action. Try and keep your eye on the long game.
And with that I'm out - Internet forums are bad places for this kind of advice*.
Play the long game.
* As are many lawyers.
Of course, people in this situation should 'lawyer-up'. IIRC tonker is a lawyer and while fields of practice vary it's good to see a lawyer recommending something practical. The idea that lawyers and Courts micromanage a separation to ensure fairness is wildly inaccurate. The end-point should be 'fair enough' but the road to getting there is another matter. In the case of a work colleague, his ex emptied their joint account (single signatory authority) and f-all was done about it including lawyers and whatever else. She also changed the locks on their marital home as a fait accompli. The simple fact is that this guy was so shell-shocked when hit by all this out of the blue, he was sleeping in the back of his car in the works car park initially, waking up alongside frozen banana skins (free fruit from the office bowl) before he regained perspective assisted by sub-zero conditions and told a friend who took him under their wing.
When he confided in me later on and I found out that as she had 'gone to law already' and had laid false charges of assault against the guy, then took out orders (occupancy, non-molestation) preventing him going anywhere near her or their former marital home even when her sham court case collapsed and bail conditions disappeared, the concept of practicality in such circumstances became clearer. This is the OP's thread not a storybook about the mate of some random PHer so back on-topic...but people need to realise what happens in the real world and what little, at the time it happens, can be done about it unless a person has been 'practical' first.
When he confided in me later on and I found out that as she had 'gone to law already' and had laid false charges of assault against the guy, then took out orders (occupancy, non-molestation) preventing him going anywhere near her or their former marital home even when her sham court case collapsed and bail conditions disappeared, the concept of practicality in such circumstances became clearer. This is the OP's thread not a storybook about the mate of some random PHer so back on-topic...but people need to realise what happens in the real world and what little, at the time it happens, can be done about it unless a person has been 'practical' first.
I would not usually post on a thread such as this but having started reading it only an hour ago, my instincts told me that your wifes goal was to move you out and replace you with the new bloke.
Renting the cottage is just be a short term expediency whilst you are ousted,
I am guessing than none of the parties involved are wealthy enough to afford the expense of multiple dwellings so the easiest thing is to remove you from the house.
Thank goodness you have not fallen for this, I am not an expert on anything but I know that you MUST NOT move out, if you do it will be game over and you will end up paying for her to live there with the new bloke.
Renting the cottage is just be a short term expediency whilst you are ousted,
I am guessing than none of the parties involved are wealthy enough to afford the expense of multiple dwellings so the easiest thing is to remove you from the house.
Thank goodness you have not fallen for this, I am not an expert on anything but I know that you MUST NOT move out, if you do it will be game over and you will end up paying for her to live there with the new bloke.
As said above, sorting out appliances and furniture is the new bloke's responsibility.
Take your landlady's offer ASAP and enter into a new tenancy agreement as a sole tenant. ASAP.
Change the locks anyway If you can.
Have you a mate nearby who can help you put her stuff in boxes/bin bags?
If so get him over for help and support.
Don't leave the house.
Re: the kids - everyone says 'put the kids first'. Kids (especially the age of yours) are vet resilient and not stupid. They know what's going on and probably won't be sensitive little flowers who can't cope.
Good luck.
Take your landlady's offer ASAP and enter into a new tenancy agreement as a sole tenant. ASAP.
Change the locks anyway If you can.
Have you a mate nearby who can help you put her stuff in boxes/bin bags?
If so get him over for help and support.
Don't leave the house.
Re: the kids - everyone says 'put the kids first'. Kids (especially the age of yours) are vet resilient and not stupid. They know what's going on and probably won't be sensitive little flowers who can't cope.
Good luck.
kev b said:
Thank goodness you have not fallen for this, I am not an expert on anything but I know that you MUST NOT move out, if you do it will be game over and you will end up paying for her to live there with the new bloke.
Yes, so far so good, but a lying ex can get a man out quicker than you can say DV. She will not face repercussions either, in all likelihood, despite such malicious and mendacious behaviour.Your input also had this:
If you're being practical you tend to think of what the sh
tiest things that could happen look like and how to prevent them as far as possible; also what you will do if and when those shtiest things happen. Well-being is difficult enough to maintain when you're riding the rollercoaster in these situations and reeling from something you hadn't anticipated makes it worse, don't feel helpless be practical and safeguard your position and well-being asap.
anonymous said:
[redacted]
Yes - be practical.If you're being practical you tend to think of what the sh
tiest things that could happen look like and how to prevent them as far as possible; also what you will do if and when those shtiest things happen. Well-being is difficult enough to maintain when you're riding the rollercoaster in these situations and reeling from something you hadn't anticipated makes it worse, don't feel helpless be practical and safeguard your position and well-being asap.ash73 said:
Personally I can't see the point in changing locks, if someone did that to me I'd just break in (assuming I was entitled to be there) and tell them to give me a key next time.
That's true, but as anyone whose been on the receiving end of these can tell you, non-molestation and/or prohibitive steps orders add legal effect to the practical effect. turbobloke said:
Of course, people in this situation should 'lawyer-up'. IIRC tonker is a lawyer and while fields of practice vary it's good to see a lawyer recommending something practical. The idea that lawyers and Courts micromanage a separation to ensure fairness is wildly inaccurate. The end-point should be 'fair enough' but the road to getting there is another matter. In the case of a work colleague, his ex emptied their joint account (single signatory authority) and f-all was done about it including lawyers and whatever else. She also changed the locks on their marital home as a fait accompli. The simple fact is that this guy was so shell-shocked when hit by all this out of the blue, he was sleeping in the back of his car in the works car park initially, waking up alongside frozen banana skins (free fruit from the office bowl) before he regained perspective assisted by sub-zero conditions and told a friend who took him under their wing.
When he confided in me later on and I found out that as she had 'gone to law already' and had laid false charges of assault against the guy, then took out orders (occupancy, non-molestation) preventing him going anywhere near her or their former marital home even when her sham court case collapsed and bail conditions disappeared, the concept of practicality in such circumstances became clearer. This is the OP's thread not a storybook about the mate of some random PHer so back on-topic...but people need to realise what happens in the real world and what little, at the time it happens, can be done about it unless a person has been 'practical' first.
When he confided in me later on and I found out that as she had 'gone to law already' and had laid false charges of assault against the guy, then took out orders (occupancy, non-molestation) preventing him going anywhere near her or their former marital home even when her sham court case collapsed and bail conditions disappeared, the concept of practicality in such circumstances became clearer. This is the OP's thread not a storybook about the mate of some random PHer so back on-topic...but people need to realise what happens in the real world and what little, at the time it happens, can be done about it unless a person has been 'practical' first.
Tonker's a lawyer? Really?
OP, can you get a family member or friend around for support and as a witness?
I know if it was my brother or friend I would be doing everything possible to help out.
Some of my friends have tried to handle it on their own, mainly due to embarrassment, but sharing your problem will really help and getting someone around may diffuse the situation and at least even up the odds.
I was in a relationship where we had a house together and she tried it on but luckily didn't try to completely fk me over - I treated her as a tricky employee and tried to act practically and control my emotions - not easy and your case is complicated by the kids. Losing your head will not help, try to control your anger but be firm.
One question I have not seen answered, I assume your step-son is her son, yet why does she expect him to stay with you? If you are close to him, and you want him to stay then I can see that is a good thing, as by her removing things from the house, especially practical things, she is causing him suffering and when maintenance gets discussed, you have responsibility of a child so she will get less money - though if you are not his father I don't know how this works.
I know if it was my brother or friend I would be doing everything possible to help out.
Some of my friends have tried to handle it on their own, mainly due to embarrassment, but sharing your problem will really help and getting someone around may diffuse the situation and at least even up the odds.
I was in a relationship where we had a house together and she tried it on but luckily didn't try to completely f
k me over - I treated her as a tricky employee and tried to act practically and control my emotions - not easy and your case is complicated by the kids. Losing your head will not help, try to control your anger but be firm.One question I have not seen answered, I assume your step-son is her son, yet why does she expect him to stay with you? If you are close to him, and you want him to stay then I can see that is a good thing, as by her removing things from the house, especially practical things, she is causing him suffering and when maintenance gets discussed, you have responsibility of a child so she will get less money - though if you are not his father I don't know how this works.
Emeye said:
One question I have not seen answered, I assume your step-son is her son, yet why does she expect him to stay with you? If you are close to him, and you want him to stay then I can see that is a good thing, as by her removing things from the house, especially practical things, she is causing him suffering and when maintenance gets discussed, you have responsibility of a child so she will get less money - though if you are not his father I don't know how this works.
From what I gathered the step son asked to stay with the OP (which I think speaks volumes for the OP) this was all fine but apparently the wife has changed her mind at the last minute and demanded that he comes with her, the step son doesn't want to go. 
I'm still here.
I've had an amicable chat with the wife. Textbook stuff really - she 'fell' for this guy a while ago but seems to have just strung me along, despite an obviously unhappy relationship with me resulting from her lack of interest whatsoever, until they both felt ready and committed enough to jump from respective marriages and setup together.
We have explicit agreement on what she is and isn't taking. She's taking a lot of the contents of the kitchen but leaving me most appliances - her cooker was a recent gift from her parents so its not unreasonable for her to take it. Apart from that its kids clothes, beds and essentials.
And this is the crux of the problem in her mind - here I am fussing about bits of furniture, electricals, valuables and what she might try and do to me financially. She is walking away from this to a much more basic house but what, in her mind, is an infinitely happier relationship which has already lasted for 18 months or so.
Some may say this is foolish but I need to just get out of here myself for a few days, try and show face at the office and remain committed and engaged. I have agreed to give her a few days space here to sort the rest of the things she needs and have her calm assurance (for once) that nothing underhand will happen. She actually seems radiantly happy for the first time I can remember.
Therefore tonight, for the first time, I'll sit here in my nice big family home surrounded by possessions intact... on my own... whilst my wife is tucked up in her new bed with this guy and my kids are excited about their new bedrooms.t
So here we have a textbook lesson of what happens when you take your eye off the ball, too busy working and becoming fixated on provision of income whilst neglecting the simpler things. I ignored early signs of her drifting, taking them as criticism rather than warnings. She obviously didn't help by lying through her teeth for a year and a half.
I've agreed a sum of money for child maintenance temporarily which we'll review in a few months time.
BTW to clarify, the step-son wasn't being 'forced' into the new house but I felt his voice wasn't being heard. We have spoken to him and he wants to move to the new place with his siblings, but he knows he is always welcome here with me.
Whether I can bear to maintain this house single-handedly in either emotional or financial terms, when I'm usually away in the week, only to come back on the weekends to see the kids, is another matter.
If somebody had told me at Christmas that by June I'd be partially disabled and that my wife and kids would be living with another guy, I'd have laughed.
Oh and one more thing, I have had family (my brothers) and also a few close friends visiting. My best mate yesterday took me to Waitrose and then cooked me large batches of meals which I've portioned and frozen. This means I can feed myself and the kids for a couple of weeks. I'm not very domestic (part of the wife's problem with me - the new guy is a chef) so have a lot to learn. But I haven't been entirely on my own - that part comes tonight.
I'm also going to try and see my GP asap. I was feeling overwhelmed by the recent health setback and was considering referral for specialist clinical psychology with my spinal unit. Add this situation and I now feel such despair that I'm worried I'm not going to cope. My sleep and eating have been significantly disrupted for 10 days now (since the separation first broke) and right now all I can feel is not anger but just extreme loss and emptiness.
Maybe this thread is becoming less relevant for the legal section now as the urgency of the situation concerning access and removal of property has passed.
I've had an amicable chat with the wife. Textbook stuff really - she 'fell' for this guy a while ago but seems to have just strung me along, despite an obviously unhappy relationship with me resulting from her lack of interest whatsoever, until they both felt ready and committed enough to jump from respective marriages and setup together.
We have explicit agreement on what she is and isn't taking. She's taking a lot of the contents of the kitchen but leaving me most appliances - her cooker was a recent gift from her parents so its not unreasonable for her to take it. Apart from that its kids clothes, beds and essentials.
And this is the crux of the problem in her mind - here I am fussing about bits of furniture, electricals, valuables and what she might try and do to me financially. She is walking away from this to a much more basic house but what, in her mind, is an infinitely happier relationship which has already lasted for 18 months or so.
Some may say this is foolish but I need to just get out of here myself for a few days, try and show face at the office and remain committed and engaged. I have agreed to give her a few days space here to sort the rest of the things she needs and have her calm assurance (for once) that nothing underhand will happen. She actually seems radiantly happy for the first time I can remember.
Therefore tonight, for the first time, I'll sit here in my nice big family home surrounded by possessions intact... on my own... whilst my wife is tucked up in her new bed with this guy and my kids are excited about their new bedrooms.t
So here we have a textbook lesson of what happens when you take your eye off the ball, too busy working and becoming fixated on provision of income whilst neglecting the simpler things. I ignored early signs of her drifting, taking them as criticism rather than warnings. She obviously didn't help by lying through her teeth for a year and a half.
I've agreed a sum of money for child maintenance temporarily which we'll review in a few months time.
BTW to clarify, the step-son wasn't being 'forced' into the new house but I felt his voice wasn't being heard. We have spoken to him and he wants to move to the new place with his siblings, but he knows he is always welcome here with me.
Whether I can bear to maintain this house single-handedly in either emotional or financial terms, when I'm usually away in the week, only to come back on the weekends to see the kids, is another matter.
If somebody had told me at Christmas that by June I'd be partially disabled and that my wife and kids would be living with another guy, I'd have laughed.
Oh and one more thing, I have had family (my brothers) and also a few close friends visiting. My best mate yesterday took me to Waitrose and then cooked me large batches of meals which I've portioned and frozen. This means I can feed myself and the kids for a couple of weeks. I'm not very domestic (part of the wife's problem with me - the new guy is a chef) so have a lot to learn. But I haven't been entirely on my own - that part comes tonight.
I'm also going to try and see my GP asap. I was feeling overwhelmed by the recent health setback and was considering referral for specialist clinical psychology with my spinal unit. Add this situation and I now feel such despair that I'm worried I'm not going to cope. My sleep and eating have been significantly disrupted for 10 days now (since the separation first broke) and right now all I can feel is not anger but just extreme loss and emptiness.
Maybe this thread is becoming less relevant for the legal section now as the urgency of the situation concerning access and removal of property has passed.
Edited by theboss on Sunday 8th May 07:27
You sound like you're blaming yourself a bit - DONT. Take some comfort that in the future they will not last together - they are both quite prepared to cheat and lie and will eventually do it to each other. Hopefully your kids will survive it all emotionally.
Fingers crossed it all remains amicable, but be prepared for it not to.
Fingers crossed it all remains amicable, but be prepared for it not to.
bmw535i said:
You sound like you're blaming yourself a bit - DONT. Take some comfort that in the future they will not last together - they are both quite prepared to cheat and lie and will eventually do it to each other. Hopefully your kids will survive it all emotionally.
Fingers crossed it all remains amicable, but be prepared for it not to.
Yes it's most important to keep a sense of control wherever possible.Fingers crossed it all remains amicable, but be prepared for it not to.
The feeling of loss is sometimes likened to a bereavement but where the lost person is in fact still around though 'not in the previous life' so to speak.
As others have said, the rollercoaster of emotions is going to happen but it's important to realise that the lows get less deep and less frequent and the periods of normality (aka highs) get stronger and more frequent. Apart from planning for eventualities, maintaining self-worth and appearance, keeping in with friends and family while also keeping busy with work, it's only the passage of time that smooths out the downs and ups - but if anybody knows of a shortcut beyond the above they should post up as it will be invaluable.
bad company said:
I know you have a verbal agreement with your wife but you really do need to see a family lawyer soonest.
Good luck.
Very true OP. You are going/will go through significant ups and downs but so will your ex-wife. The difference being that her downs will be meshed with 'the crazy'. At those times your verbal agreement won't be worth the paper it's written on.........Good luck.
Lawyer up. ASAP.
theboss said:
Some may say this is foolish but I need to just get out of here myself for a few days, try and show face at the office and remain committed and engaged. I have agreed to give her a few days space here to sort the rest of the things she needs and have her calm assurance (for once) that nothing underhand will happen. She actually seems radiantly happy for the first time I can remember.
Why would you trust someone that has been lying to you for 18 months?I wouldn't.
I got the lawyer to draft a separation agreement. It's just standard stuff. The ex and I went through it over and over and added /removed stuff until after several months were both happy with it, met up and signed..
The lawyer rang for an update and I just said its ok its all done we did it ourselves thanks.
Then an online divorce as they're easy. The whole thing cost about £450 in fees (although the whole thing set me back to year zero with savings etc)
And that was from exactly the same starting point as you OP.
The lawyers (both of them) wanted endless meetings and tried to make a row out of everything. They also ant out very aggressive letters to each other to just up the anti. They didn't succeed in their quest to make the whole thing difficult (it's difficult enough anyway).
Just one thing to be aware of OP: she's happy now because she's 'empowered' and excited, and knows she needs to keep you jogging along. That's likely to fade..... So beware!
The lawyer rang for an update and I just said its ok its all done we did it ourselves thanks.
Then an online divorce as they're easy. The whole thing cost about £450 in fees (although the whole thing set me back to year zero with savings etc)
And that was from exactly the same starting point as you OP.
The lawyers (both of them) wanted endless meetings and tried to make a row out of everything. They also ant out very aggressive letters to each other to just up the anti. They didn't succeed in their quest to make the whole thing difficult (it's difficult enough anyway).
Just one thing to be aware of OP: she's happy now because she's 'empowered' and excited, and knows she needs to keep you jogging along. That's likely to fade..... So beware!
Edited by V6Pushfit on Sunday 8th May 10:29
Gassing Station | Speed, Plod & the Law | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff