Removing cheating spouse from home - URGENT advice needed

[theboss]

I'm picking the kids up from school at 3:30 and dropping them back Monday morning. Mum and stepdad are here helping give the house a spring clean, gardening etc.

As I don't have a cooker I'm going to run up the farm shop for some steaks and get the Weber on for tea. Such a shame

[theboss]

walm said:

Did you spend "as much as you can afford" on your kids before the divorce? If not, why change now? Sure you might want to treat them more, given the nightmare of a divorce but spoiling them rotten isn't a good idea IMHO.

I mean one of them is 7, what is he/she going to do with an extra hundred quid a week or whatever??

I guess if you were on the breadline and without huge sacrifices they were going to be starving or something you MIGHT consider spending that much.

For most people, they need to prioritise between spending on themselves, on the kids and savings etc...

The OP could continue working at the old pace and move into somewhere soul-destroyingly small to save money but he also needs to look after himself, keep himself happy and healthy.
Blowing every penny on your kids is complete madness.

And yes, clearly if your son is on the other side of the world, you might have to send the money via the ex.
But the OP is seeing his kids 3 nights a week!!!

Exactly on the money. I can ensure the kids needs are met directly and I'm offering a reasonable monthly contribution to her household costs. However yesterday on the phone "but my rent needs paying etc etc". She isn't thinking of maintenance as a partial reimnbursement of child related expenses, she sees it as her core income entitlement which she'll use to pay all household bills.

It doesn't occur to her she could go down to Sainsburys and work a til for a few hours to make a difference - it all falls down to me.

[theboss]

lambosagogo said:

castroses said:

All this 'talk' about whether your salary is 50 grand or 100 grand with dividends for maintenance calculations etc. But you can't just instantly spend £200 at Currys on a basic cooker the day the old one was removed.........?

Or perhaps he's been busy working / recovering and had other things on his mind than picking up a cooker. I'm pretty sure a cooker would be low on my priority list heaven-forbid I find myself in a similar situation.

Its not been a priority but I do need to sort something. There is a slight "first world" dilemna in that she removed a massive induction range sized thing so if I buy anything cheap it'll only fill half the gap - yet there is no point in doing the job properly until I feel disposed to living here long term.

I do have a microwave / grill / convection oven and a selection of gas and charcoal grills outside which I regularly roast large joints of meat and veg on. I hardly ever cook anyway. I was thinking of getting a standalone induction hob eg the sort you plonk on a worksurface just so I can heat a pan. If I buy a cheap cooker ar this stage it will most likely end up on the scrap heap before long.

[theboss]

Borghetto said:

wisbech said:

Who is getting/ will get the child benefit? You should ask to split on the ratio of nights spent...

I think it might be wise to get a formal agreement on how the childcare is split before discussing the financials.

Child benefit isn't a concern anyway - its paid to the main carer. I expect I can have it taken into account when assessing her mainenance requirements - same with the disability benefit which she has been trousering. It seems unreasonable she gets that exclusively when I care for my daughter for a significant amount of time.

Don't forget with CB if her new man earns >£50k some or all of it will be clawed back from him via the tax system.

My autistic girl was absolutely terrible yesterday - crying for hours wanting to go to her mums. I understand she has been upset all week. My mum is staying with me and has helped matters considerably.

Interesting we both observe that my daughter seems to recycle a lot of her Mum's words... she was shouting yesterday "Daddy doesn't know how to look after me" and "Daddy only ever thinks of himself". She would never say those things normally. Snake.

[theboss]

g3org3y said:

theboss said:

She also gets quite a substantial Disability Living Allowance claim for my autistic daughter... in the past she claimed this without informing me and diverted it to a bank account she opened based on her mother's address. Disability benefit being used as her own personal slush fund to be used to escape the marriage. I found hidden paperwork. So she is quite capable of conniving herself when money is involved.

When confronted over this, what was her justification/reasoning?

I discovered this about a year ago when I came across all the paperwork. It was one of a number of indications she was doing certain things behind my back. I was upset that she felt she had to do it secretly and I felt dubious about the fact she appeared to be trousering the cash, but I also accepted her argument at the time, that she felt left out of financial decisions and wanted her own little bit of income to spend on the kids independently. There was some evidence she was buying kids clothes, food etc with it.

I did at the time feel a little guilty that perhaps I hadn't paid her a set allowance to do as she chose with, but then I have always been transparent with money, I have paid into a joint current account since the day I moved in with her as a single mum 13 years ago.

Of course, with hindsight, what she was really doing was providing herself with a few thousand pounds in another account which she could use to help bring her 'get out' plan into fruition. The fact that the money was intended to compensate for the extra care required by my daughter makes it truly reprehensible.

[theboss]

It's going okay thanks guys... the week has gone very quickly so far and I can't believe I'm having the kids again already from tomorrow afternoon.

I'm trying to stay as busy as possible. Work is difficult, as much as I'm trying, I just find it hard to focus. I've decided to rekindle the musical ambitions of my youth as I find music very theraputic but haven't had much time for it of late; I have booked a tuner for the piano and tutors for piano and organ, and I'm also taking the M5 across Germany to Leipzig's Bach festival in 3 weeks time (a few ring laps mandatory en route).

She has the kids for half term so I won't see them for a little while, but after that I want to establish a routine where by I have them for a schoolnight and part of the weekend - I don't want her to expect to have every weekend free as otherwise she is only having them 4 x evenings a week and should be paying me maintenance!

The negatives - every time I wake up at night or in the morning, or every time my mind drifts somewhere else, I have that sickening 'realisation' of what she has done and almost feel panicstricken for a few seconds. Spending time alone in the former family home is exruciating. So many 'what ifs' which will haunt me for some time. I don't blame myself but naturally it's hammered my confidence at a point in time where I'm already dealing with quite harrowing health problems. Contact with the ex has been minimal.

So I'm keeping as much company as possible - my brother is coming up tonight, my mum and stepdad are 'moving in' part time to help with the house and kids. I also have a very sweet and younger admirer as mentioned previously but have agreed not to jump into anything serious too soon.

I'm not bothered about lawyers finding anything posted on here - maybe foolish of me - but there isn't much she can take me for and she does currently seem to have happily just buggered off with what she felt she needed (a few small appliances, clothes, kids stuff etc). The house and contents has surprisingly stayed intact.

[theboss]

A DMS mapped F10 producing >700bhp

[theboss]

johnwilliams77 said:

She still got keys to your place?
Glad you're doing 'OK' and have lots of company

No, she handed keys back with signed tenancy amendment.

I'm leaving keys turned in locks at present - had a locksmith in this morning and am receiving a quote for replacements plus a comprehensive security revamp.

[theboss]

I'll ask her later if she's willing to stage a "custard shot" whilst bent over the bonnet of the M5. If she agrees to that, she's a keeper by my reckoning.

[theboss]

Well the second weekend went very well - you'd think the kids had lived like this all their lives. They were happy and relaxed all weekend with me.

A few general updates and cringey comments like "mummy keeps kissing X, its weird" and "mummy said if she gets married again I can be a bridesmaid" which reinforce the fact that she's in the cloud cuckoo-land honeymoon period self-centred little bubble (as we know). My 11 year old handed us details of a month long homework project which had to be in this morning so we rallied to help her get that done - Mum had obviously overlooked it.

I also hear she is now car shopping so I might get the leased Golf back in the near future.

Overall dealing with it well and feeling overall positive that she has removed herself from my life.

[theboss]

I'm aware of the risks with the lease car. I spoke to the lease company first to confirm they were happy with it being 'in her hands' and kept at another address etc, which they are but reminded me that the car is my liability.

Insurance-wise its on a policy with the ex as the policy holder and main driver, which reflects the use of the vehicle, with me as a named driver. She has her own NCB. Obviously when it comes back to me I'll have to sort some insurance out.

Ultimately I could have insisted on having it back, but by showing some lenience I have secured her co-operation in disassociating herself from my tenancy and also limited company, which is all done. I also have to think of my kids who need to be able to get to school safely so consigning her - and them - to a stter for rural roads doesn't sit comfortably.

I have also made her aware she is the only person who should be driving the car. If any tickets did come through the post I'd happily identify her as driver and pass on her name and new address to the parking company/council. I'm sure she doesn't want that hassle any more than I do.

I expect the car back in the next few weeks as I have heard rumours the new boyfriend is buying her a new car or more likely she's looked at my maintenance offer and started looking into what she can finance.

[theboss]

surveyor_101 said:

Out of interests does your maintenance offer reflect that you are keeping her biological son? Seems crazy she takes your kids you keep her from another previous failed relationship and then yo have to pay her for privilege.

Take some solace in the fact that these types of people who cheat and then get together never consider the fact that if they can do it to someone else they will probably do it to them to. In my experience they end up getting cheated on themselves sooner or later.

My stepson changed his mind and decided to live with her, but is visiting me with his siblings. I'm proud of him because he has suddenly changed from showing disdain for his younger siblings, to seeming very protective of them and comforting them when they are upset. I think this is one reason why he wants to stick with them.

The new house is quite small and in very isolated country, 3 miles from a public road and with no cellular coverage and minimal broadband. I wouldn't be surprised if he would prefer to spend a lot of the summer in a better connected environment given that his whole social life revolves around iPhone, PS4 etc. He is welcome to come and go as he pleases although I won't be able to give him a new key for obvious reasons.

I am due to spend good male bonding time with him by taking him to Germany in a few weeks time for his 16th.

He is also 6'2, fiery, very hormonal and falls out with his mother very easily as neither will attempt to diffuse a situation. I don't think it will be long before a situation escalates, the 'stepdad' intervenes in some way, and he ends up on my doorstep in tears. I hate the thought of him going through that but I'll always be there in a non-judgmental way when it does invariably happen. I have encouraged him to have a positive relationship with the new guy even though it makes me slightly sick in my throat to say so!

With regards to the original question, my maintenance offer is based on my two children, but I will record the amount of time the stepson stays with me. If it becomes more than half the time then as far as I'm concerned, he becomes a dependent child living with me which will affect her entitlement.

[theboss]

I want to thank everyone who has contributed to the thread and emailed me to date - I said in my first post I knew PH could deliver and it has significantly, at what has undoubtedly been the most stressful period of my life so far.

Now that the urgency of the situation and need for legal awareness has subsided I wondered if its worth having it moved to The Lounge (if I dare) so as not to clog up SP&L with irrelevance.

[theboss]

Update - the leased car has been returned intact. No contact with ex - my mother is liaising with her on anything childcare related as she is assisting me directly. I can't bear to see/hear/talk to her.

Apparently the new fellow has gone out and bought her a 7 year old Merc ML - this is the woman that gave me 3 years of ear bashing when I bought her a new X5 in 2012 because it was 'far too big'

Overall I've been in a more positive mindset but have had a few down moments this week - I seem to be going through periods of anger for what she did over the length of time concerned. I heard from a parent at school that various people had 'known' what was going on i.e. it had been talk of the playground, which made me feel like a fool for being the last person around here to find out what was happening in his home and marriage.

My stepson has stayed with me for most of half term and has indicated he wants to base himself here for the summer holidays, which I find very touching. I've accrued sufficient air miles and a companion voucher to fly us both first anywhere so I'm thinking of taking him in the summer to visit some friends and relatives in the Western US. As well as Germany next week I've booked a trip to Belgium at the end of June. I'm trying to just stay busy.

Went out for a morning walk today in the sun, taking in the sunshine, birdsong and stunning countryside views right on my doorstep, and felt very glad to be where I am right now. First time I've walked ~800 meters without a stick, in 10 weeks!

Edited by theboss on Friday 3rd June 09:27

[theboss]

PH XKR said:

A few years ago I found PH through a story about some guy finding a Nazi bunker at the bottom of his garden. This thread has had the same anti-climatic ending!

Wasn't that thread just pure fantasy though?

Not sure what I can do to spice it up really, bar embarking on a double axe murdering spree at the ex's new house.

[theboss]

Well right on cue, as if to appease PH XKR, my love rival's 17 year old daughter has sent me a facebook friend request

[theboss]

Jonno02 said:

theboss said:

Well right on cue, as if to appease PH XKR, my love rival's 17 year old daughter has sent me a facebook friend request

Uhh...why?

Wants to talk?

His wife has just got in touch as well. It all gets interesting now!

[theboss]

According to them both, my wife has just moved my kids in with an aggressive pisshead with a nasty temper. Great. Claims he has been arrested previously too.

[theboss]

Totally mindful of their likely agenda but on the other hand I can't ignore what they are saying.

They have described in many ways what I'd assumed worst case... he looks like a pisshead and the pair of them took every bottle of vodka from my kitchen only for my stepsom to inform me that they "didn't last long" in the new house.

The guys wife said they had a volatile relationship and that he was generally prone to getting pissed and then losing his temper.

My ex took kids passports and birth certs so in order to invoke a disclosure I believe I need to order copies of the latter.

I could at this point inform the kids school and see if there is anything they suggest?

The really stupid thing, if true, is that the ex played the "he was aggressive" card against me to her friends and family, when the reality is I'm soft and the kids have had a very sheltered upbringing. If any of the above turns out to be true then they'll all be in for a big shock at some point, and a miserable one at that.

Edited by theboss on Saturday 4th June 06:57

[theboss]

mjb1 said:

Obviously, take a large pinch of salt with anything they say. I'd recommend to your ex that she should be the one requesting the disclosure on her new partner. A responsible parent wouldn't refuse such a request, and it's better than you requesting disclosure on him and then causing a stir when you get the results. Better to keep her in the picture from the start and not lead her to feel like you've done it behind her back. If she refuses, then you tell her that you'll make the request yourself.

Unfortunately though, the ex has not behaved reasonably or responsibly in just taking the kids and shacking them up with a bloke who is clearly inherently untrustworthy to whom she has played the role of mistress. She has placed an incredible amount of trust in her own judgement at a time in which she believes the sun shines out of his arse.

When she first left I questioned his background and whether she had sought any sort of background check and she replied "don't be silly". You know - because she loves him so he must be a nice man.

This is a woman who would always pride herself on putting children first and who had begun to pursue training for a teaching career.

If anything his family are telling me is vaguely true, she has potentially made a misjudgment of monumental proportions actively inviting a snake into the nest, so to speak.

To answer earlier questions, the ex neither drinks or smokes - the new guy does both very heavily which is a shock to me. He is a rough looking bugger quite a lot older than her and looks older than he is - you'd assume she was young enough to be his daughter. His own ex looks similarly 'hardened' and I'm sure she gave as good as she got - but that worries me more in a way because whilst she'll be used to standing her ground my own ex would be totally out of her depth if he did ever turn nasty.

I've spoken to the police also - no more to say on that.