Removing cheating spouse from home - URGENT advice needed

[theboss]

Dibble said:

theboss said:

I've spoken to the police also - no more to say on that.

If you're struggling to get through to the right department/are getting fobbed off, feel free to fire me a PM with what area you're in and I'll dig out the direct contact details for the relevant Public Protection Unit when I'm next in on Wednesday afternoon if that's any use to you.

Thanks - I'm not being fobbed off at all - far from it. I can't really comment on the process now, but essentially if there is any genuinely concerning information on record then I should get to know about it.

Its been a very interesting few days. Four weeks in, and the children are now starting to tell me they don't want to go back there.

[theboss]

Pothole said:

stuttgartmetal said:

Stay strong
Eat properly
Be prepared for her to be as bad as she can be.
It's over
Accept that
Get through it.
Let her have anything she wants
Let her take anything from the house
Anything
Wave goodbye as she leaves. It'll be the best thing for you
Watch what happens next
Affairs like hers are all about longing to be in the perfect world.
Once she's in her new life reality bites for her and him
It all tends not be as exciting when she's washing his skiddy underpants and he's coming home late from the office
She's not single no kids and footloose.
She's got plenty of baggage to dump on him.
Don't be surprised when reality doesn't turn idyllic like she imagines and she comes running back begging for forgiveness
Take the clever approach
Don't do anything bad to her that she can badmouth you to the kids
Let her have her way and go
Take the high ground

Look after number one.
Don't lose your kids in all this.
You'll get through it

Post on wikivorce,com
All the advice you need is on there.

Edited by stuttgartmetal on Friday 6th May 08:45

Wow. I think this is the single most well thought out and useful post I've ever seen on here.

I want to acknowledge it too. Nailed in one, on the first page. Every bit of it rings so true to me now.

[theboss]

Brief update for anyone who was interested in the original thread.

Stepson returned well and truly to my home several months ago and unfortunately does not have much ongoing contact with his mother. We just had an epic holiday in the Western US and feel very closely bonded. I'm helping him move forward with his academic plans in light of his GCSE results yesterday.

My two children have been spending their time split 50/50 between the two homes and this has worked very well. Until recently when the ex decided to unilaterally impose her new plans for majority residence with her - coincidentally at about the same time she realised that the child maintenance service takes shared care into account. This has resulted in a disagreement and now in a bizarre twist a spurious and potentially very damaging allegation has been made towards one of my relatives with social services having to interview the children. She has simultaneously blocked access to the children and we're heading swiftly towards my application for a family court order. Can't say any more about this aspect of the situation but needless to say it's very distressing.

A lot has happened meanwhile and the woman really could have a "PH mental" thread of her very own - there is far too much to go into in detail.

I am enjoying a blossoming relationship with my 'young admirer' who has met my children and won immense approval, which also seems to have riled the ex somewhat.

[theboss]

anonymous said:

[redacted]

Please do PM me details... I feel well represented but its always good to have other options... or second opinions.

[theboss]

Thanks guys... I should say I have gained a much closer relationship with all the kids since separation. My daughters were here at the beginning of the week and are very calm and happy here. My 7 year old in particular looks at her older brother and asks when she will be old enough to be able to make the same decision to live with me. All children express some disdain at the new living arrangement with the new man. I'm hopeful that if I get as far as a family court, their wishes will be heard and taken into account. Thats all I want, really.

[theboss]

Fab32 said:

I'm sorry to hear things aren't going well, given you have had social care involvement the court will likely ask for a section 7 report (Children Act 1989) when you make the application re the children.

Were the Social Workers investigating under section 17 or section 47 (Children Act 1989)? Have you seen the report?

I'm happy to help further by PM if you want and can supply my HCPC number if required?

Please do PM - I'd appreciate that very much

[theboss]

I have my daughters back in my care after the ex staged a dramatic climb down - yet another testament to her wildly erratic behaviour - and SS declared no risk following some assessment of the child concerned. I have still yet to receive any formal contact from a social worker or even the vaguest apology from the ex, who I expect now wishes to sweep the matter firmly under the carpet.

It has been an extremely distressing week - not only for my family and I but for the kids too. I understand it reached the point yesterday where my autistic daughter screamed the house down from the moment she awoke to being assured that she would see me again that very day. I expect that swiftly became inconvenient for the ex and her new partner, who now have a childless weekend ahead.

I'm delighted to have them back, an am now determined to formalise childcare arrangements which take into account the children's clearly expressed wishes to spend as much time in my home as possible.

[theboss]

After a few weeks of having the ex's ideal childcare arrangements imposed upon me, with constant reminders that she will dictate the terms by which I will have contact with them, I have now drafted an application for an arrangements order in the family court. Finding oneself in a very one-sided co-parenting relationship with an ex from hell is not something I can wholeheartedly recommend to fellow PHers

[theboss]

Update to the thread... first I want to say I re-read this whole thread recently over a bottle of wine and was just bowled over by the responses, many of which I think i could hardly take in at the time when everything was happening. I am truly grateful. I received a lot of PM too and I am equally grateful for them.

Today was the day when the ex stood on my doorstep sobbing and begging to be taken back. I never thought it would happen let alone within 6 months. It seems the wheels have come off her new relationship. I have a date for my first court hearing in respct of the children and am proceeding with the divorce. Its been a bewildering six months but time is definitely helping.

I have also struck up a great friendship with the ex of the affair partner and am colluding with her on our respective divorce and financial proceedings.

[theboss]

I was shocked as I have spent 6 months processing the fact that my relationship ended without closure in the sense that there has been no communication between us nor any shred of emotion from her until now. The day before she had encountered my mother at the school and publically broke down crying on her shoulder (after making the SS allegation about her barely 2 months ago) so we knew something had suddenly changed.

The children have reported her being very upset in her home and constantly stressed. If it looks like her new relationship is failing already I will be deeply concerned about yet another big shock for the kids and this may be the point at which instead of going for shared custody I insist they come and live with me. The ex could end up back with her parents - she appears to have no independent means of supporting herself or the kids.

She also appears to have entered an income disguising/splitting arrangement for this chap as she incorporated a limited co which is clearly a vehicle for his business activities - he has shut down his former company and is declaring nil income to the maintenance service / CSA. So she is embroiled in his financial affairs too.

Whilst I have no intention to take her back I felt sorry for her and consider it heartbreaking that this whole sordid endeavour was all for nothing.

[theboss]

It sounds as though he approached her recently "wanting to talk". He has not seen his kids in 6 months because I laid bare the extent of their long term affair to his wife (including grubby "sexting" pics taken in their family home and sent to my wife) despite their every attempt to cover tracks. Consequently his teenage daughters have disowned him. He is now facing financial proceedings on which he potwntially faces losing his share of the family home because he has made every effort to avoid maintaining his family in any way - his wife has had to adapt from a long term homemaker role to being self sufficient. The guy has lost it all, frankly.

Its like watching a slow motion car crash but with my own kids in the picture - if there is the slightest hint of domestic abuse or real risk to them I will ensure they remain in my care.

[theboss]

Thanks for the support. Its been the hardest few days in a long time. I had her in my kitchen for an hour yesterday when dropping the kids off and we talked about a lot of things, the past and the future. I am dubious of her motive because it seems to be a statement of "I know I've fked it all up and feel guilty all of a sudden now things are getting tough" rather than any real remorse. She claims she is desperate to avoid the children's court proceedings because of costs so I suggested we amicably work to reach an agreement which can be formalised at first hearing, but that I need the order for the sake of certainty. I certainly can't trust her.

She also has a tax bill so needed help with her self-assessment figures (relating to income from 'our' joint business last year) so I gave her all she needed, pointing out that the substatial pension contribution I made for her just weeks before she left, when I still thought we would retire together, would reduce the bill substantially. I was probably more helpful than I had to be.

Her income arrangement with him is going to land her in hot water - she plainly knows nothing of the legal implications of income splitting between non-married partners and the fact she has aligned her affairs with his leading up to financial proceedings for both parties is just pure madness. His attempts to disguise his income will not go down well with the court I'm sure. I'm assisting the other wife in every way I can because I want her to get an optimal deal and I want to ensure the bloke loses everything just as I feel I have.

I do have a feeling that my own wife seems very naive and in some ways vulnerable, she obviously made her bed and all that, but I am more angry at the guy for persisting with a seedy affair with a married woman who was clearly emotionally weak and needy. He expected to continue to get away with it indefinitely with no regard for the frankly inevitable fallout for both families. They both seem personality disordered to me - totally self absorbed.

I have my kids all week so I jolly well hope she misses them.

Seeing and interacting with her face to face has felt like opening up a nearly healed wound - a big jolt to the system and its left me feeling deeply unsettled whereas I was previously feeling secure.

Edited by theboss on Tuesday 25th October 12:23

[theboss]

Thankyou. Well I reckon they had an argument last week and have since made up because yesterday after all the fuss and tears she dropped the kids with me earlier than planned and seems to have now buggered off until the weekend. All these childless days are astonishing - she has only had them for one weekend in two months!

On the other hand she seemed petrified of the looming court hearing, has no appetite for legal costs and has now agreed to the equal shared care routine I have proposed. She wants me to drop the proceedings but I have said she must turn up, unrepresented if she has no money, so we can have the arrangements formalised at the first hearing. Funny how her attitude has changed a little since two months ago when she was unilaterally reducing my contact and making damaging SS allegations.

She seems inherently very weak in all this.

I told her I want the order to be official rather than changeable at her whim, that I want stability and consistency without any dicking around on her part, and with scope for enforcement if necessary. I also explained I wanted a paper record which will show my children when they are old enough to understand, that I was there for them 100%

She also made a number of disclosures whilst her guard was lowered, which are of interest to the other wife who has now commenced financial remedy proceedings. The OW has also switched solicitors on my recommendation, so the guilty pair are essentially under attack twice by the same family team which should if nothing else compell them to be consistent when it comes to financial disclosure.

Yes she's the mother of my children, regretably but the OW and I want to nail them to the fking wall. The other guy hasn't seen or offered to financially support his three children in 6 months.

Edited by theboss on Tuesday 25th October 20:56

[theboss]

pedromorgan said:

I have spent a good hour deciding weather to write this.

Have you thought of forgiving her?

Actually yes. A part of me still wishes I could wake up tomorrow morning and forget the last two years (affair duration) ever happened. We were happy as a family and I would give anything to have that backz But that would require her to be truly sorry, she'd have to prove herself probably by being alone for a period if time and she would have to bend over backwards to convince me she truly wanted to be with me. Instead the apologetic stance lasted a few days then she began repeating her justifications that I'd been such a less than perfect husband and father, and fked off for a dirty week with her lover whilst I look after our three children, keep the kitchen clean and manage to do some work at the same time.

Somehow I don't think it would work out.

I reckon she has a lot further to fall though. I can assure you all I will not be here to forgive her when she does.

[theboss]

Starfighter said:

What is the legal situation with the house?

I would be cautious of letting her in the house in case she decides not to leave and effectively kicks you out.

Its a tenancy in my name only... so good luck to her! Worst she could have done if feeling possessive about marital assets, is clutched onto her coffee cup saying "its mine"

[theboss]

pedromorgan said:

McGraw said:

To pedromorgan (forgot to quote) Would you advise a beaten wife to take her husband back? Unless of course you mean forgiving but not letting her back.

Not much different here apart from emotional pain vs physical.

Please do not let her worm her way back in beyond the necessary cilivilty for the sake of the kids...she has absolutely put you through the mill and only gives the slightest of sheets now that her own life is under immense pressure.

Anyway, she wouldn't stay around and you can't ever forget these things.

DON'T TAKE HER BACK!!!!

Good luck staying strong.

Edited by McGraw on Wednesday 26th October 12:32

I guess I am hard wired to try and see the best in people and advocate forgiveness whenever possible.
I am also a total sucker for hard luck women who are down on their luck and the thought of her standing on the doorstep balling her eyes out is pretty unpleasant.

I never said it would be possible to forget. But they must have married for a reason. despite everything that's happened, that reason might have still been there.

I have seen something similar from the child's point of view.

I thought it was worth 2 lines on a forum anyway.

Its a view that I respect. Only a few friends, and my mother, have advocated forgiveness if it is even remotely possible - most have a very hard line. We were a very happy family unit only a few years back, and my wishes and dreams revolved around our future. I realise what emotional affairs can do to the brain of even a previously robust, level-headed person. If she were *truly* sorry and willing to do absolutely anything to work towards restoring what we had then I would sincerely consider doing so - but it would have to be abundantly clear that this was her intention. Rather more cynmically, and sadly realistically, I just see her has somebody who is narcissistic, conniving, desperate and who will do anything for another 'bail out' just as she did 6 months ago but this time in reverse.

[theboss]

Thanks guys. It's been a hard week because after this emotional jolt, I've had the kids (half term) all week until tomorrow, and the combination of doing everything, working included, has made me yearn for the easy old life somewhat.

The fact she has had them for schooldays only, with childless weekends for the last 2 months, then fked off at the first sign of half term, really just fills me with disgust. She can't even see past the end of his cock far enough to be able to fulfil her most basic instincts as a mother.

Rest assured I'm not letting her anywhere near my life.

I've also arranged a consultantation with a local counsellor specialising in divorce on Monday as I think I could do with some professional help when things seem overwhelming.

Edited by theboss on Friday 28th October 11:54

[theboss]

Mario149 said:

Just finished reading this thread from start to finish in spare moments over the last 24 hours. Have to say OP you seem to have handled the situation and navigated through amazingly, I wish you all the best.

I'm 34 and a contractor, so similar to the OP in that sense, and I like to think I've got my head screwed on right. Having a long term relationship break down is bad enough, BUT seeing how the OP has dealt with the actions of his wife (in the prior 18 months and after she left), PLUS the added stress of being ill, being the sole breadwinner, having kids and step kids, one of whom who has extra needs, all makes me wonder if I would fare so well if it happened to me with even a fraction of the added complication he's had. I suspect not. I sincerely hope I never have to go through anything like that as reading this story frankly scares the st out of me. But I guess at the same time does it provide hope for others who may experience similar.

Well done OP for having the balls to share all of this, let's hope it may help others as well as yourself.

Thankyou, this is flattering, and in fact when I read back the thread myself recently I couldn't believe how much I'd written when all the st was happening at once. It was quite an emotional experience. A lot of posters were absolutely on the money in a way which has only become apparent (to me) as time has unfolded.

I am glad others can read about my experiences and hopefully learn from them.

I hope that later in life I will look back at 2016 as a "character building" year rather than anything too deeply negative.

Oh and I'm not sure if I mentioned it in an earlier post, but there is another vital lesson in all this. About 5 years ago not long after our youngest was born, she was adamant I should have a vasectomy. I explicitly remember at this time having an argument in which she accused me of wanting to 'keep my options open' as if I had doubts on our relationship. Eventually I paid for her to have a tubal ligation performed privately instead. In hindsight that may end up being the best £2.5k I ever spent. If anyone reading this is ever being 'bullied' into steriliation by a spouse, go with your instincts.

On the health side of things, a lot has improved, mainly my strength and mobility. I was walking with 2 sticks when I started the thread and could not sit easily let alone bend over or lift anything. I still have probably permanent nerve damage affecting bladder and bowels. As a final piss-boiler, my condition was misdiagnosed at a time critical point of degradation which distuiguishes between recovery and permanent damage. I have a good chance of reaching settlement with the NHS trust concerned (typically high six figures), and hadn't mentioned this incase she read the thread, but she has since indicated she is well aware of the pending legal action and has already insinuated that she may persue her self-declared entitlement to a slice of any pay out. Whilst knowing full well she was fking her affair partner and setting up their new love nest, during the period of hospitalisation concerned. An important aspect of the legal advice I am receiving concerns mitigation of this risk.

Edited by theboss on Friday 28th October 16:37

[theboss]

menguin said:

Been following the thread for a while, interestingly at the start of this thread my relationship appeared to be perfect, and I was reading only with sympathy for the OP - during the course of this thread it became apparent that the same thing was happening to me with my OH! Luckily no kids involved so much more simple.

Unbelievable what people (I won't suggest it is just women - men are the same, as evidenced by the other guy in this story) are capable of. Capable of doing to someone who they once hoped to share the rest of their lives with. I wouldn't wish this emotional pain on my enemies, let alone people I care for.

You've done well OP, the advice from many on this thread has also helped me sort out my own thoughts and feelings. I do love PH sometimes.

I'm sorry to hear this. It would indeed be far simpler if children were not involved - I'd have just moved away and been glad never to have to set eyes upon her again. It would be much easier to move on.

Quite a lot happening on my side now - I will update later in November when its clearer which direction this is heading in. The ex is pleading with me to avoid court. Its nice having the ball in my court for once.

[theboss]

Hard to know where to start with this update. Everything has come around full circle, much of which was predictable to friends and PHers early in the whole debacle.

Just after my last post (early Nov) the wife very suddenly broke. It started with a full scale and very public emotional breakdown in the school playground, in front of all the other parents and staff, in which she sobbed inconsolably on my mother's shoulder saying how sorry she was. The next day she turned up at my house unexpectedly and wanted to talk. I didn't let her in the house but she cried on my doorstep. The other fella was sat in the car at the end of my driveway some distance away watching; she begged me not to tell him anything and was obviously trying to hide her tears as she walked back to him. I figured the grass suddenly wasn't looking so greener for her. Not long after that she turned up at 2am saying her new relationship was over - furthermore he held the tenancy of their new lovenest and gave her 24 hours to get her and the kids' belongings out. The kids parting memory was of him shouting aggressively.

At this point I was fked either way - the baying masses of family and close friends essentially told me to take the kids and send her to her mothers - but I didn't, I figured I had to keep working and that it was in the kids' interests for their mother to be functioning, so I let her come back to the marital home and put a roof over her head stating that I'd help her find somewhere to live.

It was very clear at this time that she was absolutely terrified of going to the impending family court hearing and had no means for representation. Our Cafcass safeguarding interviews took place a day or two after she was thrown out of the new home at which time she was an emotional wreck; the subsequent report was very much stacked in my favour, citing the breakdown of her new relationship and further abrupt changes for the kids, versus my calm stability and prioritisation of their welfare. I requested the court postpone the hearing until the new year so she had that axe hanging over her - its since been cancelled.

In the months that have passed since I have returned to having an amicable, friendly relationship with her and we are co-operative on all aspects of childcare. Its almost as if last summer didn't happen. I have helped her rent a home nearby and the kids are happy spending time in either home. She has restored a relationship with her son after hardly seeing him for 6 months last year. I have even let her continue to use the lease car for the remainder of the lease. I am financially supporting her to a degree but this is enabling me to continue working full-time whilst she does the bulk of childcare during the school week - in time I intend to lessen her dependency but for the time being its worth anything to see a sense of calm and stability in the kids lives.

Of course, their relationship failing was attributed to the angry retribution of his wife and I - the legal proceedings from both of us, and consequential financial pressure, the deterioration of their relationships with their own children (his teenage daughters still want nothing to do with him) and so on. They honestly ran off together initially believing it would be blissful and without consequence, and then reality eventually caught up with them.

My children seem happy but are also guarded and slightly distrusting of their mother. An absolute gem from my youngest daughter just a few days ago, now turned eight, her mother said "mother's always know best" and her immediate retort was "well you didn't, did you".

Edited by theboss on Wednesday 1st February 09:37