M4 Speed Cameras

Ted unravels the truth behind the rumours

Dear PHers,

It's is my duty as imparter of motoring news, to share with you this email that I received today. I suggest you forward it to anyone who is familiar with the purpose of a steering wheel as our very existance appears to depend on it.

Regards,

Petrol Ted
Senior Tea Boy and Acting Postal Clerk
PistonHeads.com
Above the Chipshop
Pieville
Hants

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Confidentiality Notice

This communication is a bit confidential. If you are not the intended
recipient, you must not copy, distribute or take any action in reliance
of it and destroy this email in a blaze of flames. Please don't waste
your time notifying the sender or contacting PistonHeads. The views represented in this email are not necessarily true, accurate or
spelled correctly.

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-----Original Message-----
From: ernest@thechipshop.*****.co.uk [mailto:ernest@thechipshop.*****.co.uk]
Sent: 24 October 2003 10:08
To: Ted
Subject: Re: RE: Have you seen this!??!?

Tony Bliar says its true! And there was a guy in the shop last night
who went to school with a bloke who now operates the traffic lites in
town and his boss told him that the hiways agenncy have told him not
to tell anywon either.

Quoting Tony Blair < iamtonyblairprimeministerofbritain@hotmail.com >:

> It has come to my attention that people believe there are some
> speed cameras on the M4. Whilst our plans to implement these are
> progressing well - I've diverted some money from the NHS to buy
> the signs and some new yellow coats for the team - we're far from
> ready to go live yet.
>
> It concerns me that some evil leaky bastard has let on that we
> plan to do this and I want all civil servants with access to the
> internet to be wasted in a terrible accident on an outward bound
> course soon. There's a lesson or two we can learn from Herrod here!
>
> If we're to implement this road tax effectively then we need to
> do a bit of education before people know the cameras are there.
> No one is going to accept paying a daily fine for travelling at
> more than 10mph unless we can feed them a load of bull about
> being good for the environment first. I'd also like the health
> minister to highlight the number of pretty little children
> getting squashed by lorries on the M4 - we must make people
> feel guilty for using cars. I want to make car use more evil
> than looking at JillsGiantJugs.com (eh Gordon!).
>
> We also need to tackle the issue of what to call the new tax.
> The ruse about renaming speed cameras as safety cameras has
> worked well - particularly with ageing mothers so Cherie says.
> Well I think that's what she said - there was so much dribble
> pouring onto the pillow it was like being in bed with Roy
> Hattersley!
>
> Anyway, the name. I actually favour Gordon's
> suggestion of NHS Additional Voluntary Contributions (not
> Blunkett's Gullible Tax) Mind you the M4 GT charge has
> got a ring to it! Straw suggested the Motorway Usage and
> Pollution Popularity Ending Tax but that seems a bit stupid
> to me.
>
> In a similar vein, I heard from our MI5 contact at Trafficmaster
> this week. He confirmed that the links to the DVLA and the
> Social Security systems are almost live. The technology people
> (well, Euan and his Amstrad) tell me that they'll be able to
> link car number plates, insurance details and national insurance
> numbers in an instant in future. My dream of levying national
> insurance contributions on any law abiding citizen using their car
> during rush hour is near reality. Genious if I say so myself
> - rubbing hands like I do :-x
>
> Blunkett did whitter on about not catching the benefit cheats
> and scum like that because the don't register their cars with the
> DVLA. I find it hard to believe anyone would be so dishonest so
> i don't suppose it's much of a problem. Anyway, we're best off
> taxing those that earn money, not those that we give handouts
> to anyway. Blunkett really hasn't got a scooby sometimes.
>
> Anyway must go, George is on the phone and my tea's ready.

> Love,
> Tony
> x
>
> > >
> > > -----Original Message-----
> > > From: Gordon Brown
> > > [mailto:gordonthegofer1944@sputnik.free****.com]
> > > Sent: 24 October 2003 09:39
> > > To: Toneeeeeee
> > > Subject: WebCams
> > >
> > >
> > > Tony,
> > >
> > > Remember those cameras I showed you (fnarrr, fnarr)?
> > > No, I mean the ones on the M4 (have the police spoken
> > > to you about the others yet? Research eh?!)
> > >
> > > Well, despite our best shot at hiding them
> > > some plank from the company than tarmacced over
> > > the last civil servant has sent an email out
> > > telling everyone what we're up to. I got my
> > > secretary to read PistonHeads.com to me
> > > last night when I was havign my horlicks - don't
> > > go there Blair - and it's all over their forums.
> > >
> > > I know the cameras aren't ready yet (have you
> > > really got enough room in no 10 for all the monitors?)
> > > but I was wondering if we should start some
> > > misinformation about them sooner rather than later?
> > > What do you want to use? Underinvestment? Iraq? or
> > > are we ready to blame it on Cuba yet?
> > >
> > > Please can you deal with it? I'm up to my neck in
> > > shit and nappies. (not literally, well not this week!)
> > >
> > > Yours,
> > > pp Gordon.
> > >
> > >

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Don

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