Is there nothing else that can be done?
Discussion
I've posted a few topics on PH regarding this matter before.
A while ago i met my gf through a best mates gf.
We started seeing each other, she has 2 kids.
Everything has been fine since.
A bit of backround:
Her past is different however, her ex boyfriend, who at the time was dodgy, did varsious things i dont even want to go into, he is a bit of a loon... think 18st body building doorman on steroids kind of loony.
Anyway, she split up with him about this time last year.
Did'nt hear from him for 6 months, he turns up one evening just before he's due to go in the army.
She lets him in as he was shouting the street down, neighbours were moaning, she was low on self confidence etc.
He proceeds to put his fist through 2 of the walls, cause hundreds of pounds worth of damage to her house, beat 10 bells of s
t into her, before the police are finally called, he then threatens to gut the kids when the police are there throws various insults about & resists arrest, it takes 4 units to take him into custody.
He gets chardged with common assault, gets a fine and gets a 12 month conditional bail (not sure what that means exaclty as it doesnt detail it on the letter from the courts).
He has previous for various other offences ranging from driving without insurance/license/tax to drugs / assault etc.
He leaves her in masses of debts from never paying any bills & fks off into the army.
GF & kids go through counselling / MARAK meetins, have a police alarm in the house / has her own housing officer etc etc.
& she's currently on anti-deprressants.
They offer her relocation to 2 nearby counties but as she was getting her life back on track she turns them down and opts to stay at home as she now has me & good friends around her.
Police alarm gets taken away as everything seems fine.
She logs into an old email account at the weekend and he's been emailing this email address the whole time saying how he lvoes her etc etc.
She gets in contact with domestic violence officer, hands over password and email address and domestic violence officer logs in every hour to check on these emails, she tells gf what to send back.
Turns out this guy is on leave from the army and is coming back to this part of the country today until saturday morning.
He knows where she lives, that she doesnt have a police alarm anymore & has stated he cant wait to take her and the kids out like the old times.
It seems almost like his memory has been erase from what he did to her, which is worrying.
Police can't get her an emergency alarm by today & womens refuge / housing people won't relocate her or offer her refuge as he "hasnt done anything yet".
I'm left in the position where walking away is one of my only 2 options, she could of walked away from me before but she didnt, so i dont intend to leave her to it now.
Now i'm not a small guy but i can't handle this guy on my own (im not going to take him on or anything).
But if this guy is hell bent on coming back to see his ex (he still thinks they're together).
He's not going to let a couple of doors and someoenne get in the way of that.
I've suggested leaving the house for the next couple of days (doing stuff in the day or evening).
So that if he does come round and waited around, when we got back we could call the police and then drive off again and nothing would come of it.
GF can't afford to have her house smashed up though as its a rented property and she cant afford for it to be repaired, nor can i.
She see's the onyl way is to let him come round, do something the get arrested and then she'll get re-located/refuge from it all.
I suspect that if this guy does come round and im there and he knows i am he will bust in the house and cast me aside like im not there.
I can handle myself but not against someone like that and i fear the only way to deal with it would be to take him down hard in one way or another, whatever that came to at the time.
I dont want to be put in that position as i dont want to have to do something like that protecting my loved ones.
Do we have any other options?
A while ago i met my gf through a best mates gf.
We started seeing each other, she has 2 kids.
Everything has been fine since.
A bit of backround:
Her past is different however, her ex boyfriend, who at the time was dodgy, did varsious things i dont even want to go into, he is a bit of a loon... think 18st body building doorman on steroids kind of loony.
Anyway, she split up with him about this time last year.
Did'nt hear from him for 6 months, he turns up one evening just before he's due to go in the army.
She lets him in as he was shouting the street down, neighbours were moaning, she was low on self confidence etc.
He proceeds to put his fist through 2 of the walls, cause hundreds of pounds worth of damage to her house, beat 10 bells of s
t into her, before the police are finally called, he then threatens to gut the kids when the police are there throws various insults about & resists arrest, it takes 4 units to take him into custody.He gets chardged with common assault, gets a fine and gets a 12 month conditional bail (not sure what that means exaclty as it doesnt detail it on the letter from the courts).
He has previous for various other offences ranging from driving without insurance/license/tax to drugs / assault etc.
He leaves her in masses of debts from never paying any bills & f
ks off into the army.GF & kids go through counselling / MARAK meetins, have a police alarm in the house / has her own housing officer etc etc.
& she's currently on anti-deprressants.
They offer her relocation to 2 nearby counties but as she was getting her life back on track she turns them down and opts to stay at home as she now has me & good friends around her.
Police alarm gets taken away as everything seems fine.
She logs into an old email account at the weekend and he's been emailing this email address the whole time saying how he lvoes her etc etc.
She gets in contact with domestic violence officer, hands over password and email address and domestic violence officer logs in every hour to check on these emails, she tells gf what to send back.
Turns out this guy is on leave from the army and is coming back to this part of the country today until saturday morning.
He knows where she lives, that she doesnt have a police alarm anymore & has stated he cant wait to take her and the kids out like the old times.
It seems almost like his memory has been erase from what he did to her, which is worrying.
Police can't get her an emergency alarm by today & womens refuge / housing people won't relocate her or offer her refuge as he "hasnt done anything yet".
I'm left in the position where walking away is one of my only 2 options, she could of walked away from me before but she didnt, so i dont intend to leave her to it now.
Now i'm not a small guy but i can't handle this guy on my own (im not going to take him on or anything).
But if this guy is hell bent on coming back to see his ex (he still thinks they're together).
He's not going to let a couple of doors and someoenne get in the way of that.
I've suggested leaving the house for the next couple of days (doing stuff in the day or evening).
So that if he does come round and waited around, when we got back we could call the police and then drive off again and nothing would come of it.
GF can't afford to have her house smashed up though as its a rented property and she cant afford for it to be repaired, nor can i.
She see's the onyl way is to let him come round, do something the get arrested and then she'll get re-located/refuge from it all.
I suspect that if this guy does come round and im there and he knows i am he will bust in the house and cast me aside like im not there.
I can handle myself but not against someone like that and i fear the only way to deal with it would be to take him down hard in one way or another, whatever that came to at the time.
I dont want to be put in that position as i dont want to have to do something like that protecting my loved ones.
Do we have any other options?
I suspect the army will take a dim view of a repeat performance by him, and they will be aware of his previous.
Hopefully the Army will have been a civilising and discplining effect on him.
You could point this out to him, should you meet him.
Can your partner get a restraining order put on him ?
Hopefully the Army will have been a civilising and discplining effect on him.
You could point this out to him, should you meet him.
Can your partner get a restraining order put on him ?
Gargamel said:
I suspect the army will take a dim view of a repeat performance by him, and they will be aware of his previous.
Hopefully the Army will have been a civilising and discplining effect on him.
You could point this out to him, should you meet him.
Can your partner get a restraining order put on him ?
She couldnt afford one at the time which is why she didnt have one done.Hopefully the Army will have been a civilising and discplining effect on him.
You could point this out to him, should you meet him.
Can your partner get a restraining order put on him ?
She's a single mum of 2 boys.
The army might take a dim view of it but it seems the police have their hands tied by "procedure".
It amazes me that they wont do anything until he "does something", seems completely backwards to me.
She's s
t scared & if im honest i am aswell!Jasandjules said:
Gargamel said:
I suspect the army will take a dim view of a repeat performance by him, and they will be aware of his previous.
This, call his CO and report what is happening. The Military Punishment will be far worse than anything plod can dish out.
You say until Saturday so thats like 2 days, 3 at the most she has to be out of that location...
So your options are:
- Put her and her kids in a hotel for 3 days until he goes back from leave (£100-150 - travel inn!)
- Put her and her kids up in your place (assuming you have your own place)
If you don't have the space, well, I'd rather my loved ones stay at my place in my bed and I sleep on the floor in a 1 bedroom flat than face that.
Following either of those, get her to move ASAP - its rented so no excuses, should have plenty of time to move between Saturday and then the next time this guy re-appears.
Thats just what I would do anyway unless there is more to the tale...
So your options are:
- Put her and her kids in a hotel for 3 days until he goes back from leave (£100-150 - travel inn!)
- Put her and her kids up in your place (assuming you have your own place)
If you don't have the space, well, I'd rather my loved ones stay at my place in my bed and I sleep on the floor in a 1 bedroom flat than face that.
Following either of those, get her to move ASAP - its rented so no excuses, should have plenty of time to move between Saturday and then the next time this guy re-appears.
Thats just what I would do anyway unless there is more to the tale...
Have to agree with Gazado - the first issue is personal safety.
She and the kids cannot go home tonight. Find somewhere to put them up. It sounds like the kids will understand, whatever the circumstances.
If necessary take the kids out of school tomorrow, or even this afternoon). If she's working, take the day off. Head & boss will understand.
If she absolutely needs things from the house, get someone to collect. Is there a neighbour to trust? Get a phone number so you can get the all clear on Saturday (and explain the situation so they can call the Police should someone suspicious hangs around).
That's the first issue. Next, get onto the Police officer she has been dealing with. Seek advice, get an assurance of visits to the house over the days.
Then next week you can start moving on the other elements. If he has visited, help her out with restraining order, rehousing, all of which will be a lot easier.
But first and foremost, get them out the damned house, please.
She and the kids cannot go home tonight. Find somewhere to put them up. It sounds like the kids will understand, whatever the circumstances.
If necessary take the kids out of school tomorrow, or even this afternoon). If she's working, take the day off. Head & boss will understand.
If she absolutely needs things from the house, get someone to collect. Is there a neighbour to trust? Get a phone number so you can get the all clear on Saturday (and explain the situation so they can call the Police should someone suspicious hangs around).
That's the first issue. Next, get onto the Police officer she has been dealing with. Seek advice, get an assurance of visits to the house over the days.
Then next week you can start moving on the other elements. If he has visited, help her out with restraining order, rehousing, all of which will be a lot easier.
But first and foremost, get them out the damned house, please.
Im going to get slated for saying this but if it was my loved ones in danger i'd wait with a few of my friends in her appartment just to see if he calls and when/if he does, when 4 or 5 big lads open the door and tel him to fk off surely he will? A show of force like this will be all somone like this will understand, he obviously doesnt care about the police or the army and hes probably not going to stop from what you've said about him so maybe the only way to get through to him will be to drop to his level?
k off surely he will? A show of force like this will be all somone like this will understand, he obviously doesnt care about the police or the army and hes probably not going to stop from what you've said about him so maybe the only way to get through to him will be to drop to his level?HiRich said:
But first and foremost, get them out the damned house, please.
Do this, your man is irrational, don't even bother trying to understand him, daughter has been there, done that, twice. Don't communicate, he feeds off it.
Get a restraining order asap.
Get in touch with his CO, do not be fobbed off.
I've been pleading with her all week to come stay at mine, stay at her parents etc.
Or at worst, pack the kids off to their dads house & if she really must, then sit at home.
She's having none of it, she's sick of running away from this guy and just wants to stand up to him.
Which in some ways i can understand, standing up to a bully etc.
But i dont condone the kids being there, i've called her selfish, which started a big argument, she's adament he won't try and break in, and a threat of calling the police she thinks he'd "run away".
I told her not to take that chance etc.
In regard to getting a load of "mates round", would usually have been my thought process, as i'm all for standing up for yourself.
Problems is this guy is a bit of a loon & does'nt think straight, he'd then just target everyone of my mates 1 by 1 until he was satisfied it was dealt with.
She did'nt email him back off her own accord.
Her domestic violence officer told her what to send back.
Just to say that she was tired and was going to sleep, to try and diffuse it and give her more time, the domestic violence officer was then telling her what to say back to him, she then took the GF's password and email address and copied everything off and informed the police of it.
Theres absolutely no convincing her which to send the kids elsewhere, as they witnessed when he attacked her, they seem to get the jist of what we were rowing about last night aswell.
I'm not comfortable with it at all, but at the same time i can't make her do something she does'nt want to do, which is looking at it logically and getting away from the house for the couple of nights.
Her dad is agreeing with me, but her mum agrees with her so she's going to do what she wants.
I'm going to have to go round there and try and protect them if he does decide to show up.
I'm hoping the guy has realised he's got something going for him in the way of a career in the army and won't risk jeophardising that but then again i dont know what goes through people like this heads and i dont thinkn i ant to really.
Or at worst, pack the kids off to their dads house & if she really must, then sit at home.
She's having none of it, she's sick of running away from this guy and just wants to stand up to him.
Which in some ways i can understand, standing up to a bully etc.
But i dont condone the kids being there, i've called her selfish, which started a big argument, she's adament he won't try and break in, and a threat of calling the police she thinks he'd "run away".
I told her not to take that chance etc.
In regard to getting a load of "mates round", would usually have been my thought process, as i'm all for standing up for yourself.
Problems is this guy is a bit of a loon & does'nt think straight, he'd then just target everyone of my mates 1 by 1 until he was satisfied it was dealt with.
She did'nt email him back off her own accord.
Her domestic violence officer told her what to send back.
Just to say that she was tired and was going to sleep, to try and diffuse it and give her more time, the domestic violence officer was then telling her what to say back to him, she then took the GF's password and email address and copied everything off and informed the police of it.
Theres absolutely no convincing her which to send the kids elsewhere, as they witnessed when he attacked her, they seem to get the jist of what we were rowing about last night aswell.
I'm not comfortable with it at all, but at the same time i can't make her do something she does'nt want to do, which is looking at it logically and getting away from the house for the couple of nights.
Her dad is agreeing with me, but her mum agrees with her so she's going to do what she wants.
I'm going to have to go round there and try and protect them if he does decide to show up.
I'm hoping the guy has realised he's got something going for him in the way of a career in the army and won't risk jeophardising that but then again i dont know what goes through people like this heads and i dont thinkn i ant to really.
Get them out of there for the weekend, while you have the girlfriend at your place get her onto the NCDV.ORG.UK website they are a charity that assist people in getting non molestation orders quickly for people that need them. A non molestation order is a form of injunction with a power of arrest on it which is enforcable for 12 months and punishable by imprisonment. Taking that step herself will help with her self esteem as it will be her taking ownership of the problem. Do not try and confront him yourself it gets very messy and could cause allegations against you as well. I am surprised by the advice by the domestic abuse officer, is it one from the council or a police officer because it is very unusual for them to do this. Good luck
I've been in practically this exact situation except the guy doing the threatning was a notorious drug dealer(and i'll add a very dangerous man) and my girlfriend(ex now) was an ex of his and also an ex user(unknown to me at the time). He knew this and would come round at all hours trying to get in regardless of whether I was there, at the time we were living in a very dangerous part of town so it was interesting to say the least every time he'd get off his head and come round.
One night he rang and said he was on the way over to "Get her back once and for all or make sure no one else could have her", these people dont care about the police or any threat of a custodial sentence. He had been in prison for a few months prior to this and is actually in prison as we speak. I rang up a few friends who were aware of the situation and they were over within ten minutes.
Her wker of an ex arrives, doesnt even bother knocking, goes straight to kick in the door as he knows im in there with her, DOES NOT expect 5 faces that he knows to open it. He wasnt expecting this so shows his true colours and tries to run away. One of my mates runs out and grabs him, and we proceed to scare the living st out of him, no serious injuries but enough shouting and threatning to make the problem go away-in truth the phone calls got worse with threats for 2 or 3 weeks after but thats all it was, never did he call round again. People like this understand one thing and will pick the easy targets 99% of the time so it's easier for him to just move on to somone else. I know you say he's got a screw loose or watever but my man is now in jail for stabbing somone in the face for spilling his drink in a nightclub!
Short story long-I dont know this man and he could well be a mentalist but people like this in my, unfortunately vast experience, operate outside the law and as such to stop them, you will too. Apologies for the lengthy response!
One night he rang and said he was on the way over to "Get her back once and for all or make sure no one else could have her", these people dont care about the police or any threat of a custodial sentence. He had been in prison for a few months prior to this and is actually in prison as we speak. I rang up a few friends who were aware of the situation and they were over within ten minutes.
Her w
ker of an ex arrives, doesnt even bother knocking, goes straight to kick in the door as he knows im in there with her, DOES NOT expect 5 faces that he knows to open it. He wasnt expecting this so shows his true colours and tries to run away. One of my mates runs out and grabs him, and we proceed to scare the living st out of him, no serious injuries but enough shouting and threatning to make the problem go away-in truth the phone calls got worse with threats for 2 or 3 weeks after but thats all it was, never did he call round again. People like this understand one thing and will pick the easy targets 99% of the time so it's easier for him to just move on to somone else. I know you say he's got a screw loose or watever but my man is now in jail for stabbing somone in the face for spilling his drink in a nightclub! Short story long-I dont know this man and he could well be a mentalist but people like this in my, unfortunately vast experience, operate outside the law and as such to stop them, you will too. Apologies for the lengthy response!
Pseudonym17 said:
I've been in practically this exact situation except the guy doing the threatning was a notorious drug dealer(and i'll add a very dangerous man) and my girlfriend(ex now) was an ex of his and also an ex user(unknown to me at the time). He knew this and would come round at all hours trying to get in regardless of whether I was there, at the time we were living in a very dangerous part of town so it was interesting to say the least every time he'd get off his head and come round.
One night he rang and said he was on the way over to "Get her back once and for all or make sure no one else could have her", these people dont care about the police or any threat of a custodial sentence. He had been in prison for a few months prior to this and is actually in prison as we speak. I rang up a few friends who were aware of the situation and they were over within ten minutes.
Her wker of an ex arrives, doesnt even bother knocking, goes straight to kick in the door as he knows im in there with her, DOES NOT expect 5 faces that he knows to open it. He wasnt expecting this so shows his true colours and tries to run away. One of my mates runs out and grabs him, and we proceed to scare the living st out of him, no serious injuries but enough shouting and threatning to make the problem go away-in truth the phone calls got worse with threats for 2 or 3 weeks after but thats all it was, never did he call round again. People like this understand one thing and will pick the easy targets 99% of the time so it's easier for him to just move on to somone else. I know you say he's got a screw loose or watever but my man is now in jail for stabbing somone in the face for spilling his drink in a nightclub!
Short story long-I dont know this man and he could well be a mentalist but people like this in my, unfortunately vast experience, operate outside the law and as such to stop them, you will too. Apologies for the lengthy response!
Cheers for the words of advice guys, i was on a bit of a knife edge last night to say the least, not necessarely for the fear of getting a pasting which would be inevitable as this bloke is a man mountain!One night he rang and said he was on the way over to "Get her back once and for all or make sure no one else could have her", these people dont care about the police or any threat of a custodial sentence. He had been in prison for a few months prior to this and is actually in prison as we speak. I rang up a few friends who were aware of the situation and they were over within ten minutes.
Her w
ker of an ex arrives, doesnt even bother knocking, goes straight to kick in the door as he knows im in there with her, DOES NOT expect 5 faces that he knows to open it. He wasnt expecting this so shows his true colours and tries to run away. One of my mates runs out and grabs him, and we proceed to scare the living st out of him, no serious injuries but enough shouting and threatning to make the problem go away-in truth the phone calls got worse with threats for 2 or 3 weeks after but thats all it was, never did he call round again. People like this understand one thing and will pick the easy targets 99% of the time so it's easier for him to just move on to somone else. I know you say he's got a screw loose or watever but my man is now in jail for stabbing somone in the face for spilling his drink in a nightclub! Short story long-I dont know this man and he could well be a mentalist but people like this in my, unfortunately vast experience, operate outside the law and as such to stop them, you will too. Apologies for the lengthy response!
But it was more the fact i was worried i couldnt protect my GF & her 2 kids.
Luckily he did'nt show up last night, the kids are off to their dads house & grandparents this weekend & we're going out this evening.
I'm not 100% sure if the DVO is to do with the police or the council but she's been extrememly helpful to the GF & has been trying for months to get my OH re-homed somewhere else.
On a scale of 0-21 she was wated at being an 18 risk which is obviously relatively high but they still wouldnt move her.
I know of some of the things this guy & his family have done & i dont think giving him a severe "scaring" & whatever that may entail would work, as he'd just come back when you were least expecting it.
I'll keep you all updated though as i take your opinions seriously as they're frmo a neutral & fair POV.
B Oeuf said:
Yes, it does sound as if your man is a particularly retarded problem and, with some basic Army brainwashing, full of his own immortality
You think that instilling a bit of discipline and respect is going to be a bad thing here? If he has joined the Army and is still serving then he has to be keeping his nose out of trouble. The rules are very straight forward and we do enforce them, trust me appearing on OC’s or CO’s Orders is not a nice experience even in these politically correct times. You could try contacting his CO (Commanding Officer (Lieutenant Colonel in charge of the Battalion or Regiment)), or even better his OC (Officer Commanding (Major in charge of the Company or Squadron), and details can be found through the police or your local RMP (Royal Military Police) detachment. The OC will be closer to the individual and should know him personally. I have just moved from being an OC and on three occasions I had a local RMP come and speak to me about something one of my soldiers was doing or they thought might be about to do. It is taken seriously, on one occasion the soldier concerned was called back from leave to explain, and then monitored so that we can exercise our duty of care to all concerned. If the bloke does step out of line then he will be charged and, in most circumstances of lower level crime the police leave it up to the military system, spend time in the Military Corrective Facility in Colchester. Most people who go there do not want to go back and so become “good boys”. It has a lower re-offending rate than any other facility in the UK and better than nearly anything else in the world.
Jonleeper said:
B Oeuf said:
Yes, it does sound as if your man is a particularly retarded problem and, with some basic Army brainwashing, full of his own immortality
You think that instilling a bit of discipline and respect is going to be a bad thing here? If he has joined the Army and is still serving then he has to be keeping his nose out of trouble. The rules are very straight forward and we do enforce them, trust me appearing on OC’s or CO’s Orders is not a nice experience even in these politically correct times. You could try contacting his CO (Commanding Officer (Lieutenant Colonel in charge of the Battalion or Regiment)), or even better his OC (Officer Commanding (Major in charge of the Company or Squadron), and details can be found through the police or your local RMP (Royal Military Police) detachment. The OC will be closer to the individual and should know him personally. I have just moved from being an OC and on three occasions I had a local RMP come and speak to me about something one of my soldiers was doing or they thought might be about to do. It is taken seriously, on one occasion the soldier concerned was called back from leave to explain, and then monitored so that we can exercise our duty of care to all concerned. If the bloke does step out of line then he will be charged and, in most circumstances of lower level crime the police leave it up to the military system, spend time in the Military Corrective Facility in Colchester. Most people who go there do not want to go back and so become “good boys”. It has a lower re-offending rate than any other facility in the UK and better than nearly anything else in the world.
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