Clarkson TVR quotes...
Discussion
Heres a nice collection courtesy of a forum somewhere else:
"So, TVR then. For the past few months, they have been offering the Chimaera, which is a loud, fast and scary two-seater sports car. And the Tuscan, which is a loud, fast and scary two-seater sports car. If you were running the company, you’d wake up every morning thinking, “Good, I have the market for loud, fast and scary two-seater sports cars pretty well sewn up. So now I will capitalise on that by introducing a range of TVR leisure wear and a TVR aftershave.” What, I wonder, would TVR aftershave smell of? Martin Johnson perhaps, with a hint of Saturday night vindaloo. However, you’re not running the company. A man called Peter Wheeler is, and since he gave up smoking 500 full-strength Marlboro a day, he’s been taken by the breeze of insanity and launched the Tamora which — guess what? — is another loud, fast and scary two-seater sports car. "
"Football may be the more beautiful game but as you can be sent off for using the wrong hair care product, few would deny it's becoming a sport for nancy boys. Look at them in a wall with their hands in front of their shiny white teeth rather than their balls. Football is the Porsche Boxster and the BMW Z4, whereas in the rugby world of TVR, biting, punching, kicking and dragging your studs down an opponent's back are all tolerated. Encouraged even."
"It’s all to do, I think, with an assault on the senses. When you’re presented with a flower, your eyes tell you that it’s pretty and your nose tells you it smells nice. It is therefore undemanding and that makes it relaxing. But when you’re presented with a TVR, there’s the smell of burning rubber, the volcanic noise, the feel of a wild animal that simply won’t be tamed, the sight of a hedgerow in hyperdrive and the taste of fear. It feels loud, fast and scary. It feels like someone has torn off your arm and is beating you to death with the soggy end."
"Beauty and love have no place in Britain. Which is why we are responsible for the most brutal and savage car of all: the TVR. An Alfa Romeo will try to woo you with poetry. A TVR will bend you over the Aga, rip off its kilt and give you one right there. A Volkswagen will make you a lovely shepherd’s pie and light a fire to make your evening warm and cosy. Whereas a TVR will come home and bend you over the Aga again. A TVR would nick the lifeboat charity box on the bar, empty it then shove it up your jacksie. A TVR would fight for its life, its honour, its family and, most of all, its pint. Put a TVR on Desert Island Discs and it would take a flamethrower and a selection of hits from Wayne County and the Electric Chairs. Then it would bend Sue Lawley over the mixing desk and make animal love until it broke wind. You don’t get paint on a TVR; it’s woad. And instead of being made from steel or aluminium it’s wattle and daub. It’s an Iron Age fort with a Bronze Age engine. It’s Boudica, only with less femininity and more rage in its heart. And look at the names TVRs have had over the years: Griffith, Chimaera, Cerbera — all terrifying mythological creatures with goat heads and seven sets of teeth."
"Then there’s the handling. Push any of the other TVRs into a corner too fast and in an instant, with no warning, you’re in a world of smoke and hate. Getting your entry speed wrong in a TVR is as dangerous as spilling a Glaswegian’s pint."
" 'Does it have anti-lock brakes, or an airbag or traction control?'
'Nope,' he said beamingly. 'We're still making our cars for heterosexuals.' "
" 'I can manage,' you’ll say gamely as you brake late and hard for a corner. And then, 'Oh bugger', as you find that it has no traction control and no antilock brakes. What you’ll say, as you hit the tree and find there are no airbags is hard to spell. But I’ll give it a go: 'Gnurgh.' "
"On the son et lumière trip into Oxford, it was a sensation, especially when you take the revs into the red zone and the whole dash lights up like a baboon’s arse. This was a loud, bad, spine-tingling, vicious, difficult, bastard of a car."
"Back in the summer I drove a development car that was heavier than the finished product and burdened with a 3.7 litre mule engine. And I simply couldn't believe it. It was astronaut fast. Cartoon fast. It did speeds only previously talked about in particle physics. So Heaven knows what the real one will do. 200? 250? Why not more? All I can tell you is that inside the cockpit it was hot. Really hot. This is because the exhaust is routed alongside two steel bars that are supposed to be decorative parts of the cockpit but are in fact giant radiators. So will there be air conditioning in the production cars?
'Er, well yes,' said Baldrick, a bit embarrassed. Air conditioning in a TVR? What? Not man enough to sweat it out? Ooh, whoopsadaisy. Shut that door. What did you call it a Tuscan for? It should have been Mrs Slocombe's pussy. Air con, though, will be the beginning and the end of the story so far as creature comforts are concerned. Certainly, you won't get satellite navigation or a courtesy delay on the headlamps. This car is honest to goodness old-fashioned British beef, served rare, with no sauce or garni. Like I said, I've got one foot in the town and I like my car savagery to be tempered with a bit of airbaggery. I like my steak with a zesty sauce and I like it to be delivered by a waitress, not drop kicked in my general direction by the 300lb chef."
"It seems, then, I'm far too gay for TVR."
"It’s particularly spectacular round at the back where there’s a huge diffuser designed to keep the back end on the ground at high speeds. I asked Baldrick whether it was there for show, or whether it really worked. 'Oh no, it works,' he said. 'We used to test our new cars by driving them down the M55 at 170mph, and if they didn’t take off, we thought they were fine. But we took the Tamora to a wind tunnel. We’re getting really scientific now.' But they’re not, you know. Science is the art of logic and deciding to make this car was completely illogical. They went ahead, I suspect, because they love cars and because they could. Exactly the same reasons, in fact, why it’s perfectly all right to buy one."
"So, TVR then. For the past few months, they have been offering the Chimaera, which is a loud, fast and scary two-seater sports car. And the Tuscan, which is a loud, fast and scary two-seater sports car. If you were running the company, you’d wake up every morning thinking, “Good, I have the market for loud, fast and scary two-seater sports cars pretty well sewn up. So now I will capitalise on that by introducing a range of TVR leisure wear and a TVR aftershave.” What, I wonder, would TVR aftershave smell of? Martin Johnson perhaps, with a hint of Saturday night vindaloo. However, you’re not running the company. A man called Peter Wheeler is, and since he gave up smoking 500 full-strength Marlboro a day, he’s been taken by the breeze of insanity and launched the Tamora which — guess what? — is another loud, fast and scary two-seater sports car. "
"Football may be the more beautiful game but as you can be sent off for using the wrong hair care product, few would deny it's becoming a sport for nancy boys. Look at them in a wall with their hands in front of their shiny white teeth rather than their balls. Football is the Porsche Boxster and the BMW Z4, whereas in the rugby world of TVR, biting, punching, kicking and dragging your studs down an opponent's back are all tolerated. Encouraged even."
"It’s all to do, I think, with an assault on the senses. When you’re presented with a flower, your eyes tell you that it’s pretty and your nose tells you it smells nice. It is therefore undemanding and that makes it relaxing. But when you’re presented with a TVR, there’s the smell of burning rubber, the volcanic noise, the feel of a wild animal that simply won’t be tamed, the sight of a hedgerow in hyperdrive and the taste of fear. It feels loud, fast and scary. It feels like someone has torn off your arm and is beating you to death with the soggy end."
"Beauty and love have no place in Britain. Which is why we are responsible for the most brutal and savage car of all: the TVR. An Alfa Romeo will try to woo you with poetry. A TVR will bend you over the Aga, rip off its kilt and give you one right there. A Volkswagen will make you a lovely shepherd’s pie and light a fire to make your evening warm and cosy. Whereas a TVR will come home and bend you over the Aga again. A TVR would nick the lifeboat charity box on the bar, empty it then shove it up your jacksie. A TVR would fight for its life, its honour, its family and, most of all, its pint. Put a TVR on Desert Island Discs and it would take a flamethrower and a selection of hits from Wayne County and the Electric Chairs. Then it would bend Sue Lawley over the mixing desk and make animal love until it broke wind. You don’t get paint on a TVR; it’s woad. And instead of being made from steel or aluminium it’s wattle and daub. It’s an Iron Age fort with a Bronze Age engine. It’s Boudica, only with less femininity and more rage in its heart. And look at the names TVRs have had over the years: Griffith, Chimaera, Cerbera — all terrifying mythological creatures with goat heads and seven sets of teeth."
"Then there’s the handling. Push any of the other TVRs into a corner too fast and in an instant, with no warning, you’re in a world of smoke and hate. Getting your entry speed wrong in a TVR is as dangerous as spilling a Glaswegian’s pint."
" 'Does it have anti-lock brakes, or an airbag or traction control?'
'Nope,' he said beamingly. 'We're still making our cars for heterosexuals.' "
" 'I can manage,' you’ll say gamely as you brake late and hard for a corner. And then, 'Oh bugger', as you find that it has no traction control and no antilock brakes. What you’ll say, as you hit the tree and find there are no airbags is hard to spell. But I’ll give it a go: 'Gnurgh.' "
"On the son et lumière trip into Oxford, it was a sensation, especially when you take the revs into the red zone and the whole dash lights up like a baboon’s arse. This was a loud, bad, spine-tingling, vicious, difficult, bastard of a car."
"Back in the summer I drove a development car that was heavier than the finished product and burdened with a 3.7 litre mule engine. And I simply couldn't believe it. It was astronaut fast. Cartoon fast. It did speeds only previously talked about in particle physics. So Heaven knows what the real one will do. 200? 250? Why not more? All I can tell you is that inside the cockpit it was hot. Really hot. This is because the exhaust is routed alongside two steel bars that are supposed to be decorative parts of the cockpit but are in fact giant radiators. So will there be air conditioning in the production cars?
'Er, well yes,' said Baldrick, a bit embarrassed. Air conditioning in a TVR? What? Not man enough to sweat it out? Ooh, whoopsadaisy. Shut that door. What did you call it a Tuscan for? It should have been Mrs Slocombe's pussy. Air con, though, will be the beginning and the end of the story so far as creature comforts are concerned. Certainly, you won't get satellite navigation or a courtesy delay on the headlamps. This car is honest to goodness old-fashioned British beef, served rare, with no sauce or garni. Like I said, I've got one foot in the town and I like my car savagery to be tempered with a bit of airbaggery. I like my steak with a zesty sauce and I like it to be delivered by a waitress, not drop kicked in my general direction by the 300lb chef."
"It seems, then, I'm far too gay for TVR."
"It’s particularly spectacular round at the back where there’s a huge diffuser designed to keep the back end on the ground at high speeds. I asked Baldrick whether it was there for show, or whether it really worked. 'Oh no, it works,' he said. 'We used to test our new cars by driving them down the M55 at 170mph, and if they didn’t take off, we thought they were fine. But we took the Tamora to a wind tunnel. We’re getting really scientific now.' But they’re not, you know. Science is the art of logic and deciding to make this car was completely illogical. They went ahead, I suspect, because they love cars and because they could. Exactly the same reasons, in fact, why it’s perfectly all right to buy one."
Rich...The Z3 is quick, the Boxster quicker still but the TVR Chimaera 450 is relentless in its pursuit to headbutt the horizon.
The girl sitting next to the chap in the Z3 is probably wearing an alice band whereas the girl sitting next to the chap in the TVR probably isnt wearing any knickers.
The second one is probably my favourite motoring quote ever...
The girl sitting next to the chap in the Z3 is probably wearing an alice band whereas the girl sitting next to the chap in the TVR probably isnt wearing any knickers.
The second one is probably my favourite motoring quote ever...
EddyB said:I never thought a bloke with a name like Jeremy would be able to understand TVRs, but he certainly understands the handling of a Griffith.
It feels like someone has torn off your arm and is beating you to death with the soggy end....
Which is rather more than can be said for the Factory.
Cheers
Pat
At the end of a road test for the Chimaera and BMW 3 or 5 series convertible many years ago, accuracy maybe slightly off the end is spot on
Lets put it this way the cars may be priced the same but it is different people who will buy these cars, the guy driving the BMW, well his girlfriend sits there with an Alice band in her hair while the girl next to the guy driving the TVR,
Well she wears no knickers
Lets put it this way the cars may be priced the same but it is different people who will buy these cars, the guy driving the BMW, well his girlfriend sits there with an Alice band in her hair while the girl next to the guy driving the TVR,
Well she wears no knickers
. 
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