how to become an mp?

[shirt]

i'm talking from scratch, no political affiliations or leanings whatsoever, never been a member of any political party.

how would one go about securing a nomination for mp from one of the three main parties?

i quit fancy the wage and perks and can lie through my back teeth like there's no tomorrow. i would look good on tv, give out fantastically snappy soundbites, and generally be an idiot made good just like the rest of them.

[shirt]

sleep envy said:

how crooked are you? do you have any skelletons in the cupboard? are you partial to a bit of cottaging?

crooked? certainly, anything would be available for the right price.

no real skeletons. i might have sholifted as a child but i didn't inhale.

would cottaging swing me the job? i could go anyway, taking reg. no.s and threatening to tell wives if they don't vote for me.

i'm good at public speaking and if made MP would make sure my team of lackeys were first rate and could do 99% of the work.

i'm sure i'd make a great MP, but am stuck with how to actually become one.


PS - i met a jewish guy the other week and know at least a dozen black/asian people. does this help?

Edited by shirt on Friday 27th March 13:53

[shirt]

Jasandjules said:

I think you have to start with joining whichever collection of lying scum you want and then attend the meetings etc.. After that I have no idea.. Perhaps start with local council elections first and work your way up?

hmmm, i'm sensing effort is involved.

how much do councillor's earn?

[shirt]

the deposit is £500 and you get it back if you poll over 5% of the votes.

i see 2 potential problems already:

apparently you have to care about the things that people in your locality care about. i have no experience with smack or the benefits system so i need to score some H and quit my job.

you need to join a party that has something in common with your political beliefs. i am choosing the conservatives as they want to be in power, as do i. i would look better in a blue tie anyway, but labour have a very safe seat here as its prezza's old one and our mp is currently david bowie.

worth perserving for the £58k starting salary.

[shirt]

i'd be a mix of jose mourinho and ahmedinnerjacket. louche as they come, and clearly don't give a fk about other people's opinions. berlusconi would be my professional role model, as being a scandal dodging model shagging billionaire would be nice when i'm 70.

[shirt]

a good scam is precisely what i'm after. i could match MP earnings in my current career with hard work, long hours and a touch of dumb luck, but being an MP requires none of that bar the word 'dumb'.

i would lobby on behalf of PH, can i count on your vote?

cleethorpes and shorpe are my prime constituency targets.

[shirt]

MK4 Slowride said:

ipitythefool said:

shirt said:

worth perserving for the £58k starting salary.

That's lower quartile earnings on PH though.

I was going to say, you'd make more money auctioning Dogs

thats basic back bencher pay though, and even with £100k 'allowances' i'd be claiming below the average



standing as a PH independent in london would be good, there's enough of you down there and obtaining publicity with lots of shiny metal parked up on the mall would be easy. my tax payer funded westminster flat could be the new dosshouse for DD casualties!

[shirt]

i have principles and morals, but they are flexible. my conscience is wipe clean

i've got a copy of 'who runs this place' at home too, so i'd know more about accountability than most.

[shirt]

eddie1980 said:

Concerning the world by starting in Shorpe?? Well at least that bit is original, they wont see that coming.

I'd vote, you cannot possibly be any worse then the current options.

i work in scunny. "The Rt.Hon Shirt MP, Shorpe / Cleethorpes" lets people know the big guns have been brought to the debate.