If the worst were to happen...
Discussion
My fiancee has a 5 year old son from a previous relationship. We've been together since he was 8 months old, and as such I have raised him as my own; I love him more than anything and he thinks the world of me.
The missus and I are getting married in May next year, and it has got me wondering what would happen to him if she were to die. It's a morbid thought, I know - But it's something that is in the back of my mind and we need to clarify it.
He lives with us, but sees his Dad every weekend (one night and two nights alternately). Despite the sperm donor being a bit of a cock he seems to do a decent enough job with the little man. Nothing has ever been agreed officially with regards to custody; thankfully things are pretty amicable now, so no need for courts etc.
If anything were to happen to Mrs 7, she would want me to have custody of him, and I would want the same. However, I'm not even sure either of us would have a say in matters. Would he automatically fall into the custody of his biological father? Or do I have a right to be his legal guardian? What would the process be?
On a slight tangent, could I only legally adopt him if his father was no longer around?
Any info appreciated. Thanks in advance.
The missus and I are getting married in May next year, and it has got me wondering what would happen to him if she were to die. It's a morbid thought, I know - But it's something that is in the back of my mind and we need to clarify it.
He lives with us, but sees his Dad every weekend (one night and two nights alternately). Despite the sperm donor being a bit of a cock he seems to do a decent enough job with the little man. Nothing has ever been agreed officially with regards to custody; thankfully things are pretty amicable now, so no need for courts etc.
If anything were to happen to Mrs 7, she would want me to have custody of him, and I would want the same. However, I'm not even sure either of us would have a say in matters. Would he automatically fall into the custody of his biological father? Or do I have a right to be his legal guardian? What would the process be?
On a slight tangent, could I only legally adopt him if his father was no longer around?
Any info appreciated. Thanks in advance.
Regardless of your relationship with him, and how long you've been with your partner. The boy has a father, who clearly cares and bothers, which is more than can be said for a lot of other men. I don't think that's a place for someone to come along and take, and if the worse did happen, it'd be pretty damn harsh for you to take that away from him and in that case it should be you asking him for access.
So many men don't bother, while lots of women take their children away from their dads and others let another man take their place even when the dad does give a s
t, with no option. Unless the dad had fked off and didn't care, you shouldn't try and take his place.
So many men don't bother, while lots of women take their children away from their dads and others let another man take their place even when the dad does give a s
t, with no option. Unless the dad had fked off and didn't care, you shouldn't try and take his place. I think you need the OK of both parents. As a divorced Dad, sitting next to my little lad, there is no way on God's green earth I would ever allow that to happen.
I would suggest that your Mrs needs to get legal advice, but I would imagine a can of worms would be opened. Better to put an expression of her wishes in her will maybe? That way no one gets annoyed on a 'what if'.
I would suggest that your Mrs needs to get legal advice, but I would imagine a can of worms would be opened. Better to put an expression of her wishes in her will maybe? That way no one gets annoyed on a 'what if'.
Cas_P said:
Regardless of your relationship with him, and how long you've been with your partner. The boy has a father, who clearly cares and bothers, which is more than can be said for a lot of other men. I don't think that's a place for someone to come along and take, and if the worse did happen, it'd be pretty damn harsh for you to take that away from him and in that case it should be you asking him for access.
So many men don't bother, while lots of women take their children away from their dads and others let another man take their place even when the dad does give a st, with no option. Unless the dad had fked off and didn't care, you shouldn't try and take his place.
I appreciate what you're saying, but with respect you don't know the situation. His Dad wants him at times that suit him, and is more than happy to drop him off early so he can go out on the piss, or pick him up late afternoon instead of morning because he's watching the football/has a hangover etc.So many men don't bother, while lots of women take their children away from their dads and others let another man take their place even when the dad does give a s
t, with no option. Unless the dad had fked off and didn't care, you shouldn't try and take his place. Also bear in mind the reason they split up is because he cheated on her while she was carrying his child.
I tuck him in bed and read him a story at night, I take him to school every morning, I take him to football, the park etc. My parents treat him better than they do their other Grandchildren. He is my son.
Aside from the obvious, how is his biological father any more of a Dad than I am?
Blue Meanie said:
No-one is saying you are not as much of a dad as the biological father, but he IS the biological father, and if he isn't a complete cock, then he will have first refusal, so to speak. He doesn't sound too bad. Have you spoken to lady friend about this, or even the father?
Yes I appreciate that, but it seems a little unfair that it should be up to him - After all, anyone can impregnate someone?I mean, I'd say it anyway, but the little man would be far better off with me. It's hard to explain but he is like my clone - My Mini-Me - and I hate the thought of him being dumped with his "Dad" just 'because'.
Of course I've spoken to the missus about it; it was her that brought it up. She would much rather he stayed with me.
Just because he cheated on her while she was pregnant it doesn't mean that he doesn't care for the boy. I do understand your situation but I think you are completely discounting his feelings.
However, if it is something you feel strongly about it might be worth looking into adoption but as I understand he would have to consent.
However, if it is something you feel strongly about it might be worth looking into adoption but as I understand he would have to consent.
He's the dad, he plays a part, he clearly cares about his child. You're not his dad, and you shouldn't go trying to take his place because you *think* you'd be better. Just because he cheated doesn't mean he doesn't care about his child, and he probably feels quite upset by the fact that you so clearly openly believe
this child is or should be more yours than his. And probably feels pushed away.
You say I don't know the whole story so can't judge, but you've put this thread up on here and asked advice/thoughts based on the information given. I think
you're wrong and need to think of how
You'd feel if you were the father. But you clearly don't want any opinions that differ with your thoughts. Regardless of saying "I appreciate what you're saying" to people. Because it's obvious you don't. I have a 4 year old (on Monday) and I'd never let anyone take his dads place and I'd not expect his dad to let anyone take my place.
this child is or should be more yours than his. And probably feels pushed away.
You say I don't know the whole story so can't judge, but you've put this thread up on here and asked advice/thoughts based on the information given. I think
you're wrong and need to think of how
You'd feel if you were the father. But you clearly don't want any opinions that differ with your thoughts. Regardless of saying "I appreciate what you're saying" to people. Because it's obvious you don't. I have a 4 year old (on Monday) and I'd never let anyone take his dads place and I'd not expect his dad to let anyone take my place.
Me and my wife have been through this my wife has a daughter from a previous relationship.When we got married we had the same thought.As bad as it sounds you have to treat the child as a possession if your partner has sole custody with her ex just having access she has to leave the child to you (if she wants to)in her will.We had to do this but as my stepdaughter is now 25 it does not matter so much.
HTH
HTH
If nothing is agreed legally beforehand you would have to go to court to argue your case. A friend of mine did that to bring up his partner's disabled daughter
when his partner died in an accident. There was no legal agreement beforehand - no-one expected her to die. The 'dad' also wanted the child. But the child was disabled and 'worth' a lot of money (compensation for her disability) and that's why the dad wanted her. He did not get custody. My friend did.
when his partner died in an accident. There was no legal agreement beforehand - no-one expected her to die. The 'dad' also wanted the child. But the child was disabled and 'worth' a lot of money (compensation for her disability) and that's why the dad wanted her. He did not get custody. My friend did.
Cas_P said:
He's the dad, he plays a part, he clearly cares about his child. You're not his dad, and you shouldn't go trying to take his place because you *think* you'd be better. Just because he cheated doesn't mean he doesn't care about his child, and he probably feels quite upset by the fact that you so clearly openly believe
this child is or should be more yours than his. And probably feels pushed away.
You say I don't know the whole story so can't judge, but you've put this thread up on here and asked advice/thoughts based on the information given. I think
you're wrong and need to think of how
You'd feel if you were the father. But you clearly don't want any opinions that differ with your thoughts. Regardless of saying "I appreciate what you're saying" to people. Because it's obvious you don't. I have a 4 year old (on Monday) and I'd never let anyone take his dads place and I'd not expect his dad to let anyone take my place.
But sadly not everyone lives in the same little 'happy world' this child is or should be more yours than his. And probably feels pushed away.
You say I don't know the whole story so can't judge, but you've put this thread up on here and asked advice/thoughts based on the information given. I think
you're wrong and need to think of how
You'd feel if you were the father. But you clearly don't want any opinions that differ with your thoughts. Regardless of saying "I appreciate what you're saying" to people. Because it's obvious you don't. I have a 4 year old (on Monday) and I'd never let anyone take his dads place and I'd not expect his dad to let anyone take my place.
This man has been in this child's life since it was 8 months old, so you can not expect him to just hand over the child and stand back, or walk away (depending on which the biological father may well expect him to do)
OP, all three of you have to sit down and talk things through like adults, and decide what would be best for the child (which of course may well change with time)
Penny-lope said:
Cas_P said:
He's the dad, he plays a part, he clearly cares about his child. You're not his dad, and you shouldn't go trying to take his place because you *think* you'd be better. Just because he cheated doesn't mean he doesn't care about his child, and he probably feels quite upset by the fact that you so clearly openly believe
this child is or should be more yours than his. And probably feels pushed away.
You say I don't know the whole story so can't judge, but you've put this thread up on here and asked advice/thoughts based on the information given. I think
you're wrong and need to think of how
You'd feel if you were the father. But you clearly don't want any opinions that differ with your thoughts. Regardless of saying "I appreciate what you're saying" to people. Because it's obvious you don't. I have a 4 year old (on Monday) and I'd never let anyone take his dads place and I'd not expect his dad to let anyone take my place.
But sadly not everyone lives in the same little 'happy world' this child is or should be more yours than his. And probably feels pushed away.
You say I don't know the whole story so can't judge, but you've put this thread up on here and asked advice/thoughts based on the information given. I think
you're wrong and need to think of how
You'd feel if you were the father. But you clearly don't want any opinions that differ with your thoughts. Regardless of saying "I appreciate what you're saying" to people. Because it's obvious you don't. I have a 4 year old (on Monday) and I'd never let anyone take his dads place and I'd not expect his dad to let anyone take my place.
This man has been in this child's life since it was 8 months old, so you can not expect him to just hand over the child and stand back, or walk away (depending on which the biological father may well expect him to do)
OP, all three of you have to sit down and talk things through like adults, and decide what would be best for the child (which of course may well change with time)
Cas_P said:
He's the dad, he plays a part, he clearly cares about his child. You're not his dad, and you shouldn't go trying to take his place because you *think* you'd be better. Just because he cheated doesn't mean he doesn't care about his child, and he probably feels quite upset by the fact that you so clearly openly believe
this child is or should be more yours than his. And probably feels pushed away.
You say I don't know the whole story so can't judge, but you've put this thread up on here and asked advice/thoughts based on the information given. I think
you're wrong and need to think of how
You'd feel if you were the father. But you clearly don't want any opinions that differ with your thoughts. Regardless of saying "I appreciate what you're saying" to people. Because it's obvious you don't. I have a 4 year old (on Monday) and I'd never let anyone take his dads place and I'd not expect his dad to let anyone take my place.
Well, it's not quite that simple is it. I asked what would happen, not what should happen.this child is or should be more yours than his. And probably feels pushed away.
You say I don't know the whole story so can't judge, but you've put this thread up on here and asked advice/thoughts based on the information given. I think
you're wrong and need to think of how
You'd feel if you were the father. But you clearly don't want any opinions that differ with your thoughts. Regardless of saying "I appreciate what you're saying" to people. Because it's obvious you don't. I have a 4 year old (on Monday) and I'd never let anyone take his dads place and I'd not expect his dad to let anyone take my place.
You're giving your opinion on the situation with his father - That is not what I asked. I asked if I would be legally able to take responsibility for the child. If I can't, then that is something I will have to accept. When I say I don't think it's right; I'm only giving my (informed) opinion.
How would I feel if I were the father? Well, knowing both him and my missus as I do, the first step would be not to be a complete
with someone who is carrying your child. The second step would be to try and spend every possible second with that child (which he doesn't). Yes he has him at weekends, but he could quite easily ask to have him for an hour or two or even overnight in the week. Does he? No.He likes to be a father to his biological son when it suits him. I CHOSE to be a father to his son because I love him.
Like I said, if the law says he gets the decision then I will have to swallow that - But I don't have to accept that it's right.
If you wanted to get parental responsibility you would have to argue before a judge if the father doesn't consent, you'd also need to argue your case if you wanted custody.
It is not beyond the realms of possibility but it wouldn't be easy with the father around, in fact it would be bloody hard.
It is not beyond the realms of possibility but it wouldn't be easy with the father around, in fact it would be bloody hard.
I Love Lamp said:
Wow.
OP, I admire the responsibility you've taken. Not many people are as selfless as you to love a child and want to care for a child who's blood is not of theirs.
I'm pretty sure that there are legal avenues you can follow, though these would require the consent of the biological father unless it can be proven he is a pile of wk (which is probably not going to happen).
The good news is, it's unlikely anything will happen to your (soon to be) wife, once your child is old enough to make their own decision then it's plain sailing should the worst happen.
Kids aren't stupid
I'm speaking from what will be your kids perspective in 20 years time
Thank you, that's reassuring to hear and the last bit is what I have been told repeatedly by friends and family.OP, I admire the responsibility you've taken. Not many people are as selfless as you to love a child and want to care for a child who's blood is not of theirs.
I'm pretty sure that there are legal avenues you can follow, though these would require the consent of the biological father unless it can be proven he is a pile of w
k (which is probably not going to happen).The good news is, it's unlikely anything will happen to your (soon to be) wife, once your child is old enough to make their own decision then it's plain sailing should the worst happen.
Kids aren't stupid
I'm speaking from what will be your kids perspective in 20 years time
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