Sean Connery Joke (Vol 6)
Discussion
Some oldies...
Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist, "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"
Chemist replies, "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?”
Police have just released details of a new drug craze that is being carried out in Yorkshire nightclubs. Apparently, Yorkshire club goers have started injecting Ecstasy just above their front teeth.
Police say the dangerous practice is called "E by gum"
A Yorkshireman takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom?"..........................Yorkshireman:.......... "Nay, I've browt it wi' us"
A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet, he decides to have a gold statue made
by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "No, yer daft bugger, I want it chewin' a bone!"
Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist, "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"
Chemist replies, "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?”
Police have just released details of a new drug craze that is being carried out in Yorkshire nightclubs. Apparently, Yorkshire club goers have started injecting Ecstasy just above their front teeth.
Police say the dangerous practice is called "E by gum"
A Yorkshireman takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom?"..........................Yorkshireman:.......... "Nay, I've browt it wi' us"
A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet, he decides to have a gold statue made
by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "No, yer daft bugger, I want it chewin' a bone!"
Jonboy_t said:
Yup!
What do you call a donkey with 3 legs? A wonky.
What do you call a donkey with 3 legs and 1 eye? A winky wonky.
What do you call a donkey with 3 legs, 1 eye and bad B.O? A winky, wonky, stonky donkey.
What do you call a donkey with 3 legs, 1 eye, bad B.O and who is playing old blues songs on a piano? A winky, wonky, stonky, honky tonky, plinky plonky donkey.
What do you call an ugly donkey with 3 legs, 1 eye, bad B.O and who is playing old blues songs on a piano?What do you call a donkey with 3 legs? A wonky.
What do you call a donkey with 3 legs and 1 eye? A winky wonky.
What do you call a donkey with 3 legs, 1 eye and bad B.O? A winky, wonky, stonky donkey.
What do you call a donkey with 3 legs, 1 eye, bad B.O and who is playing old blues songs on a piano? A winky, wonky, stonky, honky tonky, plinky plonky donkey.
A rinky dinky, winky, wonky, stinky, honky tonky, plinky plonky donkey.
The Archbishop of Canterbury and The Royal Commission for Political Correctness announced today that the climate in the UK should no longer be referred to as
English Weather.
Rather than offend a sizeable portion of the UK population, it will now be referred to as:
'Muslim Weather'
(Partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite)
English Weather.
Rather than offend a sizeable portion of the UK population, it will now be referred to as:
'Muslim Weather'
(Partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite)
Laurel Green said:
Some oldies...
Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist, "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"
Chemist replies, "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?”
Police have just released details of a new drug craze that is being carried out in Yorkshire nightclubs. Apparently, Yorkshire club goers have started injecting Ecstasy just above their front teeth.
Police say the dangerous practice is called "E by gum"
A Yorkshireman takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom?"..........................Yorkshireman:.......... "Nay, I've browt it wi' us"
A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet, he decides to have a gold statue made
by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "No, yer daft bugger, I want it chewin' a bone!"
Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist, "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"
Chemist replies, "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?”
Police have just released details of a new drug craze that is being carried out in Yorkshire nightclubs. Apparently, Yorkshire club goers have started injecting Ecstasy just above their front teeth.
Police say the dangerous practice is called "E by gum"
A Yorkshireman takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom?"..........................Yorkshireman:.......... "Nay, I've browt it wi' us"
A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet, he decides to have a gold statue made
by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "No, yer daft bugger, I want it chewin' a bone!"
Two old seafares supping a pint in the British Legion.
One says to the other "How's your sex life these days?"
He replies, "Well I havnt had a women since 1945"
"Dear oh dear, sorry to hear that"
First one says "By the way what time is it?"
Other one says "It's nearly 2100"
P.S. I hope I don't have to explain military times............
One says to the other "How's your sex life these days?"
He replies, "Well I havnt had a women since 1945"
"Dear oh dear, sorry to hear that"
First one says "By the way what time is it?"
Other one says "It's nearly 2100"
P.S. I hope I don't have to explain military times............
Laurel Green said:
Some oldies...
Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist, "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"
Chemist replies, "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?”
Police have just released details of a new drug craze that is being carried out in Yorkshire nightclubs. Apparently, Yorkshire club goers have started injecting Ecstasy just above their front teeth.
Police say the dangerous practice is called "E by gum"
A Yorkshireman takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom?"..........................Yorkshireman:.......... "Nay, I've browt it wi' us"
A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet, he decides to have a gold statue made
by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "No, yer daft bugger, I want it chewin' a bone!"
Long time since I've heard them - raised a chuckle.Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist, "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"
Chemist replies, "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?”
Police have just released details of a new drug craze that is being carried out in Yorkshire nightclubs. Apparently, Yorkshire club goers have started injecting Ecstasy just above their front teeth.
Police say the dangerous practice is called "E by gum"
A Yorkshireman takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom?"..........................Yorkshireman:.......... "Nay, I've browt it wi' us"
A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet, he decides to have a gold statue made
by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "No, yer daft bugger, I want it chewin' a bone!"
So on the subject of jokes that only work on a regional accent....
Two Geordies have joined the US cavalry. They've sitting round a camp fire on the prairie one night and they hear this noise BOOM boom boom boom, BOOM boom boom boom drifting on the breeze.
"What's that noise bonnie lad" says one.
"It's the injins, they've got war drums" says the other.
"The thievin' bastids" comes the reply.
Woman goes into a fishmongers, the conversation goes like this
"Pound of cod please"
"Sorry madam, no cod until tomorrow"
She returns an hour later "Pound of cod please"
"Sorry madam, no cod until tomorrow "
She returns an hour later "Pound of cod please"
"Sorry madam, no cod tomorrow"
She returns an hour later "Pound of cod please"
"Madam, there is no C...O...F...D... cod until tomorrow "
She says "Theres no F in cod"
"Madam, that is what I have been telling you all day"
"Pound of cod please"
"Sorry madam, no cod until tomorrow"
She returns an hour later "Pound of cod please"
"Sorry madam, no cod until tomorrow "
She returns an hour later "Pound of cod please"
"Sorry madam, no cod tomorrow"
She returns an hour later "Pound of cod please"
"Madam, there is no C...O...F...D... cod until tomorrow "
She says "Theres no F in cod"
"Madam, that is what I have been telling you all day"
Marty63 said:
Laurel Green said:
Some oldies...
A coloured gentleman walks into the surgery with a parrot on his head.
Doctor says "What can I do for you"
The parrot says "Can you get this blackhead out of my foot"
...and another.
A lady walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant said "Can I help you?"
"Yes" she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault".
"Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked.
"In the park just down the road" she replied.
"Can you describe what happened?"
"Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me".
"Could you give me a description of him?"
"Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg".
"Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman", said the Sergeant.
"Yes", said the lady, "He was an English Cricketer".
“That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "You worked that out from his accent?"
"No", she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long".
A lady walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant said "Can I help you?"
"Yes" she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault".
"Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked.
"In the park just down the road" she replied.
"Can you describe what happened?"
"Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me".
"Could you give me a description of him?"
"Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg".
"Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman", said the Sergeant.
"Yes", said the lady, "He was an English Cricketer".
“That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "You worked that out from his accent?"
"No", she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long".
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