Cracking retorts...
Discussion
Very much a cool starry bra.
In a Mechanical Engineering based lecture at uni, about a 100 students present, the Top Gear episode where a tug-of-war team pulled a V12 Merc had been on the night before. Lecturer was loudly proclaiming what a load of b
ks it was that the tug-of-war team won as the car had x amount of torque.
Stuck my hand up and gave a perfectly logical engineering based reason why they won, painful silence followed by a swift moving on.
In a Mechanical Engineering based lecture at uni, about a 100 students present, the Top Gear episode where a tug-of-war team pulled a V12 Merc had been on the night before. Lecturer was loudly proclaiming what a load of b
ks it was that the tug-of-war team won as the car had x amount of torque. Stuck my hand up and gave a perfectly logical engineering based reason why they won, painful silence followed by a swift moving on.
My personal one was by me who else 
Was riding my bike, late one winters afternoon, properly dark and was going past a primary school.
A few mums and some kids lurking about chatting way after school had closed so had been to some after school activity.
The kids are dicking about and one lad of about 11 is giving it large to some girls and was so busy showing off he stepped into my path, I managed to brake and swerve and bit as had anticipated he wasnt looking, I wasnt going fast and I had one of those cheap eBay Chinese "Owl Burner" lights on, which the kid got full in his face as he turned round and shat himself seeing me coming towards him, the mums looked concerned but it was quickly apparent he wasnt going to get splatted.
The kid then shouts "JESUS, HOW BRIGHT IS THAT LIGHT"
I respond with "Brighter than you apparently"
I proceed on my way laughing, as are the mums, I got the impression they agreed and it was normal.
Was riding my bike, late one winters afternoon, properly dark and was going past a primary school.
A few mums and some kids lurking about chatting way after school had closed so had been to some after school activity.
The kids are dicking about and one lad of about 11 is giving it large to some girls and was so busy showing off he stepped into my path, I managed to brake and swerve and bit as had anticipated he wasnt looking, I wasnt going fast and I had one of those cheap eBay Chinese "Owl Burner" lights on, which the kid got full in his face as he turned round and shat himself seeing me coming towards him, the mums looked concerned but it was quickly apparent he wasnt going to get splatted.
The kid then shouts "JESUS, HOW BRIGHT IS THAT LIGHT"
I respond with "Brighter than you apparently"
I proceed on my way laughing, as are the mums, I got the impression they agreed and it was normal.
phillvr6 said:
Several years ago, I found out the then girlfriend had cheated on me. I found out who with, found their work phone number and called them.
When I got put through to him, I explained who I was, to which he replied he didn't think it appropriate I called him at work.
I calmly explained I didn't think it appropriate that he fked my girlfriend but that hadn't stopped him.
The conversation finished fairly abruptly after that.
On the slim chance that any of that is true, I’d say that When I got put through to him, I explained who I was, to which he replied he didn't think it appropriate I called him at work.
I calmly explained I didn't think it appropriate that he f
ked my girlfriend but that hadn't stopped him.The conversation finished fairly abruptly after that.
the guy you say that you allegedly called won that one.
PR350 said:
I was walking along with a couple of mates between pubs (as you do) a couple of months back and 5 or 6 chav kids/teenagers on bikes "buzzed" us and one shouts "you fat fukkers" as he passed.
I'd had a couple of shandies by then and just shouted back without think "yeah, well you're stupid and ugly and at least I can lose weight, you'll alwys be like that."
Cue round of applause from a group of people outside the pub we were passing and my mates looking at me in disbelief (I did shout it rather loudly)
Very clever. Next time you do that you may well find yourself at the end of a knife or two. This is 2020 not 1950. Sometimes keeping yer gob shut & risking being accused of being a coward is the best way to stay alive or with most of your limbs & brain cell intact. I'd had a couple of shandies by then and just shouted back without think "yeah, well you're stupid and ugly and at least I can lose weight, you'll alwys be like that."
Cue round of applause from a group of people outside the pub we were passing and my mates looking at me in disbelief (I did shout it rather loudly)
queuing at the butchers for christmas turkey one lady decides to tell us all how the set up was all wrong and her local butcher in Winchester would have been on the ball and done it correctly to which one 70 odd year old guy in the queue replies ....so why don't you go there then..
1 -0
she then continues to say how cold it is up north and the weather down south is better to which one wag replies ....you should change your butcher.
2-0
1 -0
she then continues to say how cold it is up north and the weather down south is better to which one wag replies ....you should change your butcher.
2-0
WJNB said:
PR350 said:
I was walking along with a couple of mates between pubs (as you do) a couple of months back and 5 or 6 chav kids/teenagers on bikes "buzzed" us and one shouts "you fat fukkers" as he passed.
I'd had a couple of shandies by then and just shouted back without think "yeah, well you're stupid and ugly and at least I can lose weight, you'll alwys be like that."
Cue round of applause from a group of people outside the pub we were passing and my mates looking at me in disbelief (I did shout it rather loudly)
Very clever. Next time you do that you may well find yourself at the end of a knife or two. This is 2020 not 1950. Sometimes keeping yer gob shut & risking being accused of being a coward is the best way to stay alive or with most of your limbs & brain cell intact. I'd had a couple of shandies by then and just shouted back without think "yeah, well you're stupid and ugly and at least I can lose weight, you'll alwys be like that."
Cue round of applause from a group of people outside the pub we were passing and my mates looking at me in disbelief (I did shout it rather loudly)
Sir you're drunk.
Madam you're ugly, but in the morning I'll be sober.
H
Another one was before the no smoking law came in, and strictly speaking I could not legally object to anyone smoking in my taxi, but I didn't like smoking, and I wouldn't have it at any price.
I was on the rank at Paddington station, and two well dressed American guys, mid thirties, approached me, one with a fat cigar in his hand, they asked for The Hilton, Park Lane.
I said, "I'll take you anywhere you want to go, but I want you to put the cigar out."
The one without the cigar said, "Do you know who you're talking to?" I didn't, and I still don't, but the words just came to me, "You may be big wheels in Bumf**k, Iowa, but over here pal, you're just two asses on my back seat."
They went to the next taxi on the rank, and I took a little old Welsh lady to John Lewis in Cavendish Square.
[/quote]
On the slim chance that any of that is true I'd say you were lucky you weren't reported.
Johnspex said:
H
Another one was before the no smoking law came in, and strictly speaking I could not legally object to anyone smoking in my taxi, but I didn't like smoking, and I wouldn't have it at any price.
I was on the rank at Paddington station, and two well dressed American guys, mid thirties, approached me, one with a fat cigar in his hand, they asked for The Hilton, Park Lane.
I said, "I'll take you anywhere you want to go, but I want you to put the cigar out."
The one without the cigar said, "Do you know who you're talking to?" I didn't, and I still don't, but the words just came to me, "You may be big wheels in Bumf**k, Iowa, but over here pal, you're just two asses on my back seat."
They went to the next taxi on the rank, and I took a little old Welsh lady to John Lewis in Cavendish Square.
On the slim chance that any of that is true I'd say you were lucky you weren't reported.Another one was before the no smoking law came in, and strictly speaking I could not legally object to anyone smoking in my taxi, but I didn't like smoking, and I wouldn't have it at any price.
I was on the rank at Paddington station, and two well dressed American guys, mid thirties, approached me, one with a fat cigar in his hand, they asked for The Hilton, Park Lane.
I said, "I'll take you anywhere you want to go, but I want you to put the cigar out."
The one without the cigar said, "Do you know who you're talking to?" I didn't, and I still don't, but the words just came to me, "You may be big wheels in Bumf**k, Iowa, but over here pal, you're just two asses on my back seat."
They went to the next taxi on the rank, and I took a little old Welsh lady to John Lewis in Cavendish Square.
Stan the Bat said:
Johnspex said:
H
Another one was before the no smoking law came in, and strictly speaking I could not legally object to anyone smoking in my taxi, but I didn't like smoking, and I wouldn't have it at any price.
I was on the rank at Paddington station, and two well dressed American guys, mid thirties, approached me, one with a fat cigar in his hand, they asked for The Hilton, Park Lane.
I said, "I'll take you anywhere you want to go, but I want you to put the cigar out."
The one without the cigar said, "Do you know who you're talking to?" I didn't, and I still don't, but the words just came to me, "You may be big wheels in Bumf**k, Iowa, but over here pal, you're just two asses on my back seat."
They went to the next taxi on the rank, and I took a little old Welsh lady to John Lewis in Cavendish Square.
On the slim chance that any of that is true I'd say you were lucky you weren't reported.Another one was before the no smoking law came in, and strictly speaking I could not legally object to anyone smoking in my taxi, but I didn't like smoking, and I wouldn't have it at any price.
I was on the rank at Paddington station, and two well dressed American guys, mid thirties, approached me, one with a fat cigar in his hand, they asked for The Hilton, Park Lane.
I said, "I'll take you anywhere you want to go, but I want you to put the cigar out."
The one without the cigar said, "Do you know who you're talking to?" I didn't, and I still don't, but the words just came to me, "You may be big wheels in Bumf**k, Iowa, but over here pal, you're just two asses on my back seat."
They went to the next taxi on the rank, and I took a little old Welsh lady to John Lewis in Cavendish Square.
Frank7 said:
Certainly not cracking, debatable if they were even funny, but just a couple that I recall ad libbing when I was driving a black cab in London;
Once, taking a guy to the H.Q. of the Football Association when it was in Soho Sq., also when Soho Sq. was two way.
I approached from Carlisle St., the F.A. was straight across on the other side of the square, I could turn right or left, go around the square and drop him off.
I opted for left, as then he'd get out on the left of the taxi, there couldn't have been one metre in the difference between going left or right.
As I headed toward the French Protestant Church building, he said, "This is a funny way to go", I replied, "Then why aren't you laughing?"
Another one was before the no smoking law came in, and strictly speaking I could not legally object to anyone smoking in my taxi, but I didn't like smoking, and I wouldn't have it at any price.
I was on the rank at Paddington station, and two well dressed American guys, mid thirties, approached me, one with a fat cigar in his hand, they asked for The Hilton, Park Lane.
I said, "I'll take you anywhere you want to go, but I want you to put the cigar out."
The one without the cigar said, "Do you know who you're talking to?" I didn't, and I still don't, but the words just came to me, "You may be big wheels in Bumf**k, Iowa, but over here pal, you're just two asses on my back seat."
They went to the next taxi on the rank, and I took a little old Welsh lady to John Lewis in Cavendish Square.
You were right, it was a Frank story.Once, taking a guy to the H.Q. of the Football Association when it was in Soho Sq., also when Soho Sq. was two way.
I approached from Carlisle St., the F.A. was straight across on the other side of the square, I could turn right or left, go around the square and drop him off.
I opted for left, as then he'd get out on the left of the taxi, there couldn't have been one metre in the difference between going left or right.
As I headed toward the French Protestant Church building, he said, "This is a funny way to go", I replied, "Then why aren't you laughing?"
Another one was before the no smoking law came in, and strictly speaking I could not legally object to anyone smoking in my taxi, but I didn't like smoking, and I wouldn't have it at any price.
I was on the rank at Paddington station, and two well dressed American guys, mid thirties, approached me, one with a fat cigar in his hand, they asked for The Hilton, Park Lane.
I said, "I'll take you anywhere you want to go, but I want you to put the cigar out."
The one without the cigar said, "Do you know who you're talking to?" I didn't, and I still don't, but the words just came to me, "You may be big wheels in Bumf**k, Iowa, but over here pal, you're just two asses on my back seat."
They went to the next taxi on the rank, and I took a little old Welsh lady to John Lewis in Cavendish Square.
My response was just a copy of his response to someone else earlier today.
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