Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 8)

[Laurel Green]

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bd!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!”.

Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

[K12beano]

It's been a slow start in my bid to party all the way round South America.

I heard the people were nice, warm, friendly and sociable, but all I got was a Chile reception.

[Evangelion]

...which that joke also got here.

[daveake]

Laurel Green said:

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

Now that's what I call a vowel movement.

[LordHaveMurci]

daveake said:

Now that's what I call a vowel movement.

That could be the funniest thing posted in here for weeks.

[Caruso]

Laurel Green said:

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

You just need to take some inconstanant medicine.

[SeeFive]

Caruso said:

Laurel Green said:

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

You just need to take some inconstanant medicine.

And perhaps a witches potion, or "spell" checker.

[straight dad]

I took my wife to the doctors today as I thought she had touretts. Turns out I really am a c**t and she does want me to f**k off.

[MartG]

[MartG]

[MartG]

What is 80 feet long and has 10 teeth ?

The front row at a Ted Nugent concert

[Laurel Green]

Little Bruce and Willa are only 10 years old,
but they know they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married
so Bruce goes to Willa's father to ask him for her hand.

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says,
"Mr Smith, me and Willa are in love
and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing,
Mr Smith replies, "Well Bruce, you are only 10..
Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it,
Bruce replies, "In Willa’s room. It's bigger than mine
and we can both fit there nicely."
Mr Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live?
You're not old enough to get a job.
You'll need to support Willa."

Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance,
Willa makes five bucks a week
and I make 10 bucks a week.
That's about 60 bucks a month,
so that should do us just fine."

Mr Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this.

"Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out.
I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have
little children of your own?"

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says,
"Well, we've been lucky so far."

[Laurel Green]

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him,
"My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's
a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the
computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten
seconds and costs ten pounds - A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco. He
deposits ten pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine
sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the
computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm
water and avoid heavy activity.... It will improve in two weeks. Thank
you for shopping @ Costco!"

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began
wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool
sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm
sample from himself for good measure. Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to
check the results. He deposits ten pounds, pours in his concoction, and
awaits the results.



The computer prints the following:


1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Costco!*

[MartG]

Laurel Green said:

Little Bruce and Willa are only 10 years old,
but they know they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married
so Bruce goes to Willa's father to ask him for her hand.

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says,
"Mr Smith, me and Willa are in love
and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing,
Mr Smith replies, "Well Bruce, you are only 10..
Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it,
Bruce replies, "In Willa’s room. It's bigger than mine
and we can both fit there nicely."
Mr Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live?
You're not old enough to get a job.
You'll need to support Willa."

Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance,
Willa makes five bucks a week
and I make 10 bucks a week.
That's about 60 bucks a month,
so that should do us just fine."

Mr Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this.

"Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out.
I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have
little children of your own?"

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says,
"Well, we've been lucky so far."

The punchline I heard was "It's OK, I'll just keep taking her up the arse"

[MartG]

[K12beano]

Strangely, came to look for this thread and PH said:

[K12beano]

....and just to prove it :

Emo Phillips

“I like to play chess with old men in the park, although it’s hard to find 32 of them.”

[LordHaveMurci]

K12beano said:

Strangely, came to look for this thread and PH said:

[MartG]

[MartG]