Has anyone used a private detective?
Discussion
randlemarcus said:
On the plus side, you can probably tell her that the parking charge notice is fairly unenforceable 
Your story is pretty much identical to mine, with the exception of the adultery bit ( makes me feel better to think she was, but it's quite unlikely).
If she thinks it's over, it is, regardless of your opinion, especially if she has the helpful advice of the coven to listen to.
Start making preparations to become separate, and prioritise the financial. Salary not to joint accounts, savings secured, joint & several loans minimised, or better still put in her name etc etc. When you are asked to leave, be prepared to do so, but not to a damp ridden bedsit round the corner. Make a break so she changes her own blown lightbulbs.
The children will understand, and will appreciate two happy parents more than two arguing sulky bu99ers. Trust me on this. Put them first, talk to them, love them, and never ever slag her off. That's what PH is for
I can’t support this advice enough.Your story is pretty much identical to mine, with the exception of the adultery bit ( makes me feel better to think she was, but it's quite unlikely).
If she thinks it's over, it is, regardless of your opinion, especially if she has the helpful advice of the coven to listen to.
Start making preparations to become separate, and prioritise the financial. Salary not to joint accounts, savings secured, joint & several loans minimised, or better still put in her name etc etc. When you are asked to leave, be prepared to do so, but not to a damp ridden bedsit round the corner. Make a break so she changes her own blown lightbulbs.
The children will understand, and will appreciate two happy parents more than two arguing sulky bu99ers. Trust me on this. Put them first, talk to them, love them, and never ever slag her off. That's what PH is for
OP. Cutting through it and not reading beyond the above post:-
1. Car Park Ticket. Would be odd to get one as such hotels usually have their own parking, unless she forgot to register her Reg Number at the reception desk. That said; whilst I have spent hours at such places for many different reasons and it is not 100%, I’d lay a thick wedge that that she was not parking there whilst shopping.
2. This has been going on since her 40th crisis. She looked back at her sexless marriage, the husband who has been a good father but who no longer fires her desires, and that her looks are not what they once were. She saw it as her last chance to make a fundamental change to her life.
3. Affairs are very, very rarely the cause of divorce; they are a symptom of the degradation of the relationship.
I think that we almost all believe that your wife is having an affair and that, unless there is a conversation and following actions which few of us would believe possible, your marriage is over. Staying together for the children is very laudable and I know a few people who have divorced and regretted not waiting a few years more until the child(ren) were in their late teens. You would be, IMO, foolish not to plan for it though and ensure the most equitable and fair basis for when the inevitable occurs.
Don’t waste your money and energy on getting someone to tell you rain is wet. Spend it on buying those items you have always wanted, take the kids off to Disneyland and leave the Mrs at home so she can have her ‘me time’ (you know the time she doesn’t get all day long whilst the kids are at school and you are at work). Don’t bother saving, she will only get half or more to spend taking the kids to Disneyland with her new fella – harsh but you know it is true.
Remember that a £2,000 HiFi you have always wanted is going to cost you £4,000+ to buy once the divorce is on. Bought now ‘your’ HiFi has a second hand value of, say, £500 max to put on the Form E.
DO I paint a picture you can see or should I use only primary colours?
One final thing I would do is also set out all your thoughts and ‘you story’ in writing somewhere very safe. You might want to have it hand to recall events in the future, or even so that others can read what happened fro your side of the fence when they are older.
Good Luck.
singlecoil said:
Oakey said:
I would concur with those who say to get some evidence before you go in guns blazing. Even with evidence she's still going to deny it so it'll be hell for you if you accuse her without any.
I would not, I can't see what he's going to do with the info once he's got it, it would be extremely counter productive to accuse her of anything, that's the triggering point for the whole thing to collapse, and he will be out on his ear.Once you know what is going on, you are in a much better position to take control of any situation that comes along. Whether you use that knowledge is almost immaterial, but the more you know, the better placed you are to work out how to control things to your own advantage.
blindswelledrat said:
I can't really put my finger on it, but above all else this sentence saddens me. Your marriage is long-dead I am afraid.
Not sure. Dad is the provider of the nice days out and the toys and the holidays and the smiling face. Mum is the harridan who will not let them play with their toy right now but makes then eat lunch. She is the one who tells them off for being slow to get ready for school, etc, etc.Not always as clear cut as it would seem.
The bit that did worry me about that comment though is that I see a temptation to play the 'Kids, who do you love the most?' game. You know, the one that everyone looses.
I have to agree with a previous poster with the 'at least he can see it coming' comment.
Nearly 3 years ago now, my ex (who I wasn't married to) announced she had met someone else and was taking my then 2 year old daughter to live with him 45 miles away. In hindsight there were subtle changes in the way she was acting (usual things, bit of weight loss, aquiring a tan etc) but it was my daughter telling me that someone called 'James' had taken her for a horseride, that prompted me to ring my ex immediately and ask her outright. She was a childminder at the time, and as It happened she was looking after a child by that name, and said it must have been him. Turns out I was right though, and the customer satisfaction phonecall I received a week later from a hotel proved that, when she said she was staying at a friends.
Anyway, to echo others, I'm so much better off without her. She swanned around thinking her s
t didn't stink for a couple of years, and then he saw her for what she is and made an exit. She now has sod all, no car (she managed to convince him to get her a new car within a month, and he's taken it away) and live off the state. She tries to get more money off me, saying she's struggling, but the amount I do give her is more than adequate for the upkeep of a four year old. In fact, I pay over the odds.
Either way, I'm having the last laugh now, And I'm quite enjoying it.
Nearly 3 years ago now, my ex (who I wasn't married to) announced she had met someone else and was taking my then 2 year old daughter to live with him 45 miles away. In hindsight there were subtle changes in the way she was acting (usual things, bit of weight loss, aquiring a tan etc) but it was my daughter telling me that someone called 'James' had taken her for a horseride, that prompted me to ring my ex immediately and ask her outright. She was a childminder at the time, and as It happened she was looking after a child by that name, and said it must have been him. Turns out I was right though, and the customer satisfaction phonecall I received a week later from a hotel proved that, when she said she was staying at a friends.
Anyway, to echo others, I'm so much better off without her. She swanned around thinking her s
t didn't stink for a couple of years, and then he saw her for what she is and made an exit. She now has sod all, no car (she managed to convince him to get her a new car within a month, and he's taken it away) and live off the state. She tries to get more money off me, saying she's struggling, but the amount I do give her is more than adequate for the upkeep of a four year old. In fact, I pay over the odds.Either way, I'm having the last laugh now, And I'm quite enjoying it.
mondeoman said:
Knowledge is power.
Once you know what is going on, you are in a much better position to take control of any situation that comes along. Whether you use that knowledge is almost immaterial, but the more you know, the better placed you are to work out how to control things to your own advantage.
In general terms that may well be true, but how does it apply to the situation under discussion? If he spends time and energy, money even in gathering information that is of no use to him, then those resources are being wasted when they should be invested in preparing for the actual breakup.Once you know what is going on, you are in a much better position to take control of any situation that comes along. Whether you use that knowledge is almost immaterial, but the more you know, the better placed you are to work out how to control things to your own advantage.
ali_kat said:
Wake up & smell the coffee!!
With all respect Ali, that's a little harsh on a chap who is a bit emotionally bruised - because this thread reads very much like he has.ali_kat said:
... she's gone back on the pill for mood swings & depression she swears she hasn't got?!
This, however, is a very, very good point.Ari said:
I'm afraid you are married in name only, your "wife" left years ago. You're just two "family carers" who live in the same house.
Don't worry about your marriage breaking up, that happened years ago.
Sorry mate.
yes, I agree. You can't make your wife love you. Sad situation and you do sound a decent man - time to look to a future that she doesn't appear in. You've obviously got a very strong bond with your children that will hopefully continue. All the best.Don't worry about your marriage breaking up, that happened years ago.
Sorry mate.
Rude-boy said:
1. Car Park Ticket. Would be odd to get one as such hotels usually have their own parking, unless she forgot to register her Reg Number at the reception desk. That said; whilst I have spent hours at such places for many different reasons and it is not 100%, I’d lay a thick wedge that that she was not parking there whilst shopping.
Her 'friend' booked the room and she 'visited' anonymously.No woman is going to say "I'm meeting Mr X in Room Y, this is my car registration. It's the blue Mini over there."
A bit down said:
I have just realised that my wife goes to meet the same "friend" at the same time each week and I have the kids to myself during that period. Now that I know where the services is, it's got to be worth dropping the kids at my mum's and paying the services a visit at that time next week.....
Sorry to hear this mate. Good idea to do the above.Bookmarked.
Sorry to hear your predicament OP.
If i was you, i'd be clever about this, your emotions are clearly clouding your thoughts.
However, for the sake of you & your children, i'd be starting to get your finance in order so to speak, maybe buy an expensive 'snotter' from a friend of yours, syphon some money off to spend on 'toys' if you handle this side of your lives it should'nt be too difficult, cancel credit cards etc so she can't max them out, basically think like a woman, get eveything you possibly can in your name.
I have no idea how to do any of this, but take the offer up of PH'ers, speak to people who've experienced this & find out the legal way to do things.
Then & only then would i want the confirmation, from my view it seems fairly cut & dried & hopefully finding out for yourself will give you some closure, but for the sake of you & your children, get everything 'in order' first, the PH'ers on here are very helpful.
If i was you, i'd be clever about this, your emotions are clearly clouding your thoughts.
However, for the sake of you & your children, i'd be starting to get your finance in order so to speak, maybe buy an expensive 'snotter' from a friend of yours, syphon some money off to spend on 'toys' if you handle this side of your lives it should'nt be too difficult, cancel credit cards etc so she can't max them out, basically think like a woman, get eveything you possibly can in your name.
I have no idea how to do any of this, but take the offer up of PH'ers, speak to people who've experienced this & find out the legal way to do things.
Then & only then would i want the confirmation, from my view it seems fairly cut & dried & hopefully finding out for yourself will give you some closure, but for the sake of you & your children, get everything 'in order' first, the PH'ers on here are very helpful.
Whatever you decide to do it is the start of your brilliant new life. I went through the grinder a year ago and in a weird way it made me feel invigorated, experiencing a lot of pain makes you appreciate the good things more - like how amazing your kids are (mine are 2 and 5) and how maybe I didn't previously cherish every second with them. I've now upgraded to a gorgeous new girlfriend who I have a lot more in common with and life is great and I'm determined to make the best of it.
Here's a bit of a random list of the most important things that got me through the worst of it. Some will help now others maybe for later.
The best advice I got from my lawyer was stay in the house. A lot of good financial reasons for this but also a better plan if you do want to try and reconcile. This was by far the best thing I did. She moved out and took the kids, I stayed with the dog.
If everything gets too much for you, go for a run. My body went into fight or flight mode for weeks. I had so much nervous energy I could run for miles and miles. Also helps with the sleeping and clears you head pounding the streets...
I struggled with sleeping, waking up at 4 everynight with thoughts bombarding my brain (there's a pesky part of the brain who's job it is to do this when you're in danger) and just nodding off before the alarm clock goes off for work. A good technique I picked up for this is to imagine a big no entry sign every time you start to think about your situation.
You might have to force yourself to eat. Buy some protein shakes as you don't have to cook it or force it down and it will give you all your body needs.
If it's over the sooner you get dating again the better. Your ego has taken a real kicking so it's great to have a few dates , even if its just for a quick coffee to rediscover how witty and charming you used to be and that women are attracted to you I had a mate turn up at my door with a crate of Stella and he made me join an online site and send some messages while we got steamed.
I forgot to add to my previous message that I did get a PD on the case. I got some great photos and it provided me with a lot of closure. Her plan was split with me and then introduce him to everyone as someone she just met. As it turned out the £500 it cost was a waste of money as I managed to access her online phone bills but at the time I wanted to do all I could to find out wtf my marriage was ending. The phone bill showed it had been going on 9 months and started when my son was 9 months old
Here's a bit of a random list of the most important things that got me through the worst of it. Some will help now others maybe for later.
The best advice I got from my lawyer was stay in the house. A lot of good financial reasons for this but also a better plan if you do want to try and reconcile. This was by far the best thing I did. She moved out and took the kids, I stayed with the dog.
If everything gets too much for you, go for a run. My body went into fight or flight mode for weeks. I had so much nervous energy I could run for miles and miles. Also helps with the sleeping and clears you head pounding the streets...
I struggled with sleeping, waking up at 4 everynight with thoughts bombarding my brain (there's a pesky part of the brain who's job it is to do this when you're in danger) and just nodding off before the alarm clock goes off for work. A good technique I picked up for this is to imagine a big no entry sign every time you start to think about your situation.
You might have to force yourself to eat. Buy some protein shakes as you don't have to cook it or force it down and it will give you all your body needs.
If it's over the sooner you get dating again the better. Your ego has taken a real kicking so it's great to have a few dates , even if its just for a quick coffee to rediscover how witty and charming you used to be and that women are attracted to you
I had a mate turn up at my door with a crate of Stella and he made me join an online site and send some messages while we got steamed.I forgot to add to my previous message that I did get a PD on the case. I got some great photos and it provided me with a lot of closure. Her plan was split with me and then introduce him to everyone as someone she just met. As it turned out the £500 it cost was a waste of money as I managed to access her online phone bills but at the time I wanted to do all I could to find out wtf my marriage was ending. The phone bill showed it had been going on 9 months and started when my son was 9 months old
Adenauer said:
blindswelledrat said:
A bit down said:
I have a wonderful relationship with both of them and they dote on me - they much prefer me to their mother.
.
I can't really put my finger on it, but above all else this sentence saddens me. Your marriage is long-dead I am afraid..
OP, just been thinking about your situation and what some others, johnvthe2nd in particular have posted.
DO you shave in front of a mirror every morning?
Hold with me on this
Over the next few months and years, if you don’t already, look yourself in the eye when you are doing so. If you can hold your gaze and honestly believe that what you are doing is in the best interests of the children and you without looking away I doubt that you will ever regret your course of action.
When I split from my ex I honestly didn’t think that she was or had been sleeping with anyone else, certainly until a few months after we had had ‘The Conversation’ and I had spent a few nights away from home in the company of another which I had made no secret of (without throwing it in her face as well for the record)! 7 years of hindsight makes me think that I was certainly a little naive, possibly very, and it is almost certain that if she wasn’t sleeping with another chap before ‘The Conversation’ she was certainly thinking of it.
Does it really matter to me? Nope, not really. Sure I wonder from time to time but what was and always will be the most important thing to me about that chapter in my life is that I honestly believe that I did right by all. Whilst I might have been more than fair on some things I wasn’t taken on any rides I didn’t willingly step onto and to my dying day I will know deep in my heart of hearts that if it happened again there is nothing fundamental I would have done differently.
These days I sleep very well at night with a wonderful woman by my side whose shoes my ex isn’t even fit to shine.
DO you shave in front of a mirror every morning?
Hold with me on this
Over the next few months and years, if you don’t already, look yourself in the eye when you are doing so. If you can hold your gaze and honestly believe that what you are doing is in the best interests of the children and you without looking away I doubt that you will ever regret your course of action.
When I split from my ex I honestly didn’t think that she was or had been sleeping with anyone else, certainly until a few months after we had had ‘The Conversation’ and I had spent a few nights away from home in the company of another which I had made no secret of (without throwing it in her face as well for the record)! 7 years of hindsight makes me think that I was certainly a little naive, possibly very, and it is almost certain that if she wasn’t sleeping with another chap before ‘The Conversation’ she was certainly thinking of it.
Does it really matter to me? Nope, not really. Sure I wonder from time to time but what was and always will be the most important thing to me about that chapter in my life is that I honestly believe that I did right by all. Whilst I might have been more than fair on some things I wasn’t taken on any rides I didn’t willingly step onto and to my dying day I will know deep in my heart of hearts that if it happened again there is nothing fundamental I would have done differently.
These days I sleep very well at night with a wonderful woman by my side whose shoes my ex isn’t even fit to shine.
Edited by Rude-boy on Friday 17th August 11:51
Reading this thread has made me feel a bit sick.
Especially the mentions of her secrative phone and the lack of transparancy in councelling.
I remember the split from a long term girlfriend, you get the feeling she isn't on your side anymore. Like shes plotting against you, rather than with you. Its a sickening feeling.
I also think the way females seem to handle these feelings is disgraceful. From the comments on here, I can relate and its very true, they get a grasp of somebody else before they will move on. Leaving you with fk all and no confidence to find somebody else.
A lift from a Pher to the services/to follow her would be the conclusive evidence you need. I think it would be a lot nicer to have somebody with you if you get bad news. Rather than sit on your own feeling like absolute st.
Especially the mentions of her secrative phone and the lack of transparancy in councelling.
I remember the split from a long term girlfriend, you get the feeling she isn't on your side anymore. Like shes plotting against you, rather than with you. Its a sickening feeling.
I also think the way females seem to handle these feelings is disgraceful. From the comments on here, I can relate and its very true, they get a grasp of somebody else before they will move on. Leaving you with f
k all and no confidence to find somebody else.A lift from a Pher to the services/to follow her would be the conclusive evidence you need. I think it would be a lot nicer to have somebody with you if you get bad news. Rather than sit on your own feeling like absolute s
t.Mobile Chicane said:
Her 'friend' booked the room and she 'visited' anonymously.
No woman is going to say "I'm meeting Mr X in Room Y, this is my car registration. It's the blue Mini over there."
Having been 'the other man' I do not agree. If you are having an afair one of the last things you are going to do is leave a trail that can get back to the 'wronged' party. Rhona the Receptionist at the Huntingdon A14 Travelodge couldn't give a sNo woman is going to say "I'm meeting Mr X in Room Y, this is my car registration. It's the blue Mini over there."
t - she knows that a number of her guests will be there for just that reason. On the other hand if you don't report your reg you are almost certain to have a letter land on your door mat that could be opened by the wrong person.
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