Never thought this would happen to me...
Discussion
Sym7 said:
julian64 said:
Of course the most likely situation is that your wife has been discussing her feelings about you with one of her friends and doesn't want you party to the conversation.
But PH being what it is you will be told with certainty your wife is having an affair, you will be given phone numbers of private detectives, and the various people on here that love a bit of intrigue will enjoy the thread while pretending to help you.
But I guess thats the internet, if you were serious about your marriage you wouldn't be posting details of it all over the internet in the first place.
Some valid points. In fact, when I confronted her today about the iPhone secrecy this is exactly the reason she gave.But PH being what it is you will be told with certainty your wife is having an affair, you will be given phone numbers of private detectives, and the various people on here that love a bit of intrigue will enjoy the thread while pretending to help you.
But I guess thats the internet, if you were serious about your marriage you wouldn't be posting details of it all over the internet in the first place.
Wrt me being serious about my marriage and posting on the Internet this is where you and I are at a difference. Firstly, with my three kids involved and my whole life about to be turned upsidedown I find it incredible that you can call my seriousness into question.....it's about as serious as it gets. Sharing as 'sym7' with some anonymity rather than as me (I don't use this profile name anywhere else) it has helped me immensely to share with strangers who I am unlikely to ever knowingly meet. An example of some help is the reference to the book "it's no big deal really" (which arrived today) with advice about how to manage your kids' stability during a marriage break up (should that happen). Other people's experiences help and I am rational enough to pick out the relevant, irrelevant and the obvious bitter.
Please don't question my seriousness again and I'm sure you and I will get along just fine.
Talking to strangers is a great help (that's inherent in counselling right?). I saw a counsellor today and referenced how sharing on PH was helping me and she said that there is no harm in doing that if I felt that it helped to share.
Compare and contrast with this thread and the one you have just read in terms of the opinions given and the fact that the vunerable person follows them and then see why comparing couselling and posting on the internet are not similar.
I eventually gave up with the other thread because I was in a minority of one. I posted almost the same on that thread. I'm not going to beat the drum further. Good luck.
Sym7 said:
Some valid points. In fact, when I confronted her today about the iPhone secrecy this is exactly the reason she gave.
As others have said, as I found out myself and as you are just about to; that phone will hide all manner of things that will likely upset you greatly I'm afraid.Sudden phone secrecy is a massive indicator that somebody else is involved. The fact you have now highlighted it to her means she will probably delete a few of the more 'incriminating' messages.
We could all be completely wrong; but I've seen it first hand. Eight years together and she was always very casual with her phone. Then a few months before it all kick off, 'Sudden Phone Secrecy', lots of excuses, becoming distant, etc.
You can't do anything about it I'm afraid. Eventually curiousity is going to get the better of you, you'll look at her phone, find something, mention it to her and you'll end up being the bad guy for snooping....
Sym7 said:
julian64 said:
Of course the most likely situation is that your wife has been discussing her feelings about you with one of her friends and doesn't want you party to the conversation.
Some valid points. In fact, when I confronted her today about the iPhone secrecy this is exactly the reason she gave.Or like I said, read it without her permission when she's in the shower or something.
- not that there should be anything about the situation that she can discuss with them and not you anyway... you need to be open with each other!
Disco You said:
I don't buy that at all. Tell her you will sit next to her both looking at the screen and not read anything which is obviously to her mates*. Therer's no reason for her to refuse.
Haha, unless 'he' is listed in the phone as something like 'Lucy College 2' (*) and then she claims its a girl from college and private.- That may or may not be a random name I just happen to think of as an example................... b
h.
The Beaver King said:
Haha, unless 'he' is listed in the phone as something like 'Lucy College 2' (*) and then she claims its a girl from college and private.
Yep, very likely to have happened. Read any from names you don't know, and read the preview of the last message from people you do...- That may or may not be a random name I just happen to think of as an example................... bh.
Please ignore julian64, he's been winding most of us up for years.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with 'sounding out' thoughts etc
I really hope this works out and she comes back so to speak.
Plan for the worst but hope for the best is the phrase that springs to mind.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with 'sounding out' thoughts etc
I really hope this works out and she comes back so to speak.
Plan for the worst but hope for the best is the phrase that springs to mind.
Edited by Reindeer on Friday 26th April 16:48
julian64 said:
I eventually gave up with the other thread because I was in a minority of one. I posted almost the same on that thread. I'm not going to beat the drum further. Good luck.
Just out of interest does your work involve or touch on this field? I only ask as to be honest in the OP’s shoes I think I would have said something very similar, if a little more testily, in response. However you seem quite confident in your view being correct and the manner in which you are expressing it gives a suggestion that you feel you have a better knowledge of the subject in hand than most.
Basically are your views those of Julian64 Doctor/Counsellor/Therapist or Julian64 IT Manager at Jones and Co.?
Disco You said:
Yep, very likely to have happened. Read any from names you don't know, and read the preview of the last message from people you do...
Yeah, it'll basically be at the top of the message list.She on FB OP? That tends to be a favoured method of communication. Check to see if she has added anyone around the time you started to suspect things, see if anyone you don't know has been liking her status or pictures quite frequently.
There will be a load of things over the nect few days that will be going through your head. Deep breaths, try to keep your cool and play the long game. It'll all come out eventually.
julian64 said:
I very much doubt a counsellor would tell you to post on the internet. A cousellor sees you as a vunerable person in a degree of turmoil. The very thing a cousellor would NOT be doing is overlaying their opinions on your situation. Try in your next session to get their opinion on what you should do, and ask yourself why they will be happy to talk you round your choices but not give you their opinion.
Compare and contrast with this thread and the one you have just read in terms of the opinions given and the fact that the vunerable person follows them and then see why comparing couselling and posting on the internet are not similar.
I eventually gave up with the other thread because I was in a minority of one. I posted almost the same on that thread. I'm not going to beat the drum further. Good luck.
Well there is a good reason to keep posting here. One of my kids was involved in a counselling company as administration manager. She introduced us to some of the councilors.Compare and contrast with this thread and the one you have just read in terms of the opinions given and the fact that the vunerable person follows them and then see why comparing couselling and posting on the internet are not similar.
I eventually gave up with the other thread because I was in a minority of one. I posted almost the same on that thread. I'm not going to beat the drum further. Good luck.
She did not last too long. She had never met a bunch with such cocked up lives, but because they had a bit of paper they were employed to advise others, mostly less cocked up, but with their advice, probably bound to get worse.
OP I don't know if much of the advice here will be better than the councilors, but putting your thoughts down is probably allowing you to clarify your own thinking, & perhaps others experience will allow you to be forewarned of some pitfalls ahead.
Good luck, & happy landings.
Hasbeen said:
julian64 said:
I very much doubt a counsellor would tell you to post on the internet. A cousellor sees you as a vunerable person in a degree of turmoil. The very thing a cousellor would NOT be doing is overlaying their opinions on your situation. Try in your next session to get their opinion on what you should do, and ask yourself why they will be happy to talk you round your choices but not give you their opinion.
Compare and contrast with this thread and the one you have just read in terms of the opinions given and the fact that the vunerable person follows them and then see why comparing couselling and posting on the internet are not similar.
I eventually gave up with the other thread because I was in a minority of one. I posted almost the same on that thread. I'm not going to beat the drum further. Good luck.
Well there is a good reason to keep posting here. One of my kids was involved in a counselling company as administration manager. She introduced us to some of the councilors.Compare and contrast with this thread and the one you have just read in terms of the opinions given and the fact that the vunerable person follows them and then see why comparing couselling and posting on the internet are not similar.
I eventually gave up with the other thread because I was in a minority of one. I posted almost the same on that thread. I'm not going to beat the drum further. Good luck.
She did not last too long. She had never met a bunch with such cocked up lives, but because they had a bit of paper they were employed to advise others, mostly less cocked up, but with their advice, probably bound to get worse.
OP I don't know if much of the advice here will be better than the councilors, but putting your thoughts down is probably allowing you to clarify your own thinking, & perhaps others experience will allow you to be forewarned of some pitfalls ahead.
Good luck, & happy landings.
The only person who can do this is the client. A counsellor should ask the right questions and let the client talk. This way the client can get things clear in their own mind, and be in the best place to make their own decisions.
In a sense posting on here is, like you said, a good way to try and clarify one's own thoughts, just be aware not to blindly follow the more emotive advice.
Sounds like the 'counsellors', your daughter encountered should be reported to the bacp, as they'll be doing more harm than good.
Very best wishes to the OP.
Sym7 said:
Sorry, it's another of those wife leaving me threads. Been married 13 years and have three adorable children (8, 6 and 4). Life's been tough financially since the company I worked for went down the pan in 2008. We had just had our 3rd child and we had also just moved house with a huge mortgage to boot. Then the company went tits up.
Since living in our new house I've had five different jobs while trying to make sure we have enough money to pay the bills.....which included nursery costs for two of the three children at that time. We have a great private school literally at the end of our garden which has a nursery attached to it so we put the kids there as it didn't cost much more than other nurseries. However, as the kids got older they simply went from nursery to reception.....and before I knew it three kids in private school at a cost of £3k a month. Hence why I've chased the buck for the last five years.
Despite all this we've manage to get through it (with some great help from my rich mate who's helped cover us for a few big costs in the form of a loan). To say it's been tough in the last five years is an understatement. However, my latest job is a dream job and going really well and the money's good so I saw some light at the end of the tunnel.
Then last week...POW!!!!!!!!!! My wife says' "we need to talk". Long story short, she feels I've neglected her over the last few years and not only that, she's been treading on eggs shells as I would bite at any little issue. She's right.....I probably have been tough to live with. Basically she wants out. I'm still in the denial stage but it does seem like it's over.
I love her immensely (always have and probably always will). I've just not been showing it and it seems she needed to see my actions. I can see her point but now here we are with my wife looking for her happiness resulting in turning the lives of 4 other people upside-down. Our kids love the family life....they're so happy with their mummy and daddy and now we're about to drop a bombshell on their little lives and it breaks my heart. Also, the thought of my future not involving my wife is tearing me apart.
My wife suggested a trial separation (which is odd given she's resolute that it's over). And this is the reason why I've posted my rumblings on here:
Do trial separations work? Are they a good idea?
Thanks for any advice.
Colin.
This is going to sound a little harsh Colin but I think you are being too nice to her. Yes even if I assume you have been a bit of an arse with her sometimes, maybe you have shouted at her? maybe had a short fuse over small things however this is still no excuse to leave someone or to seperate. Since living in our new house I've had five different jobs while trying to make sure we have enough money to pay the bills.....which included nursery costs for two of the three children at that time. We have a great private school literally at the end of our garden which has a nursery attached to it so we put the kids there as it didn't cost much more than other nurseries. However, as the kids got older they simply went from nursery to reception.....and before I knew it three kids in private school at a cost of £3k a month. Hence why I've chased the buck for the last five years.
Despite all this we've manage to get through it (with some great help from my rich mate who's helped cover us for a few big costs in the form of a loan). To say it's been tough in the last five years is an understatement. However, my latest job is a dream job and going really well and the money's good so I saw some light at the end of the tunnel.
Then last week...POW!!!!!!!!!! My wife says' "we need to talk". Long story short, she feels I've neglected her over the last few years and not only that, she's been treading on eggs shells as I would bite at any little issue. She's right.....I probably have been tough to live with. Basically she wants out. I'm still in the denial stage but it does seem like it's over.
I love her immensely (always have and probably always will). I've just not been showing it and it seems she needed to see my actions. I can see her point but now here we are with my wife looking for her happiness resulting in turning the lives of 4 other people upside-down. Our kids love the family life....they're so happy with their mummy and daddy and now we're about to drop a bombshell on their little lives and it breaks my heart. Also, the thought of my future not involving my wife is tearing me apart.
My wife suggested a trial separation (which is odd given she's resolute that it's over). And this is the reason why I've posted my rumblings on here:
Do trial separations work? Are they a good idea?
Thanks for any advice.
Colin.
In life you are going to endure difficulties, thats life! what makes it bareable or whorthwhile is doing it for your family and being there for one another. In this day and age people seem to have this concept that life is always like roses and you always remain giddy in love and always romantic; sorry but thats not the case.
Whats important is having respect, care and mature love for one another, you my friend have been a good husband and have supported the family through a tough time, you have made great sacrafices to place all your kids in a top education and I would like to think your wife has been there for you to some extent but Colin that is her job, her basic duty. As a wife they are their to be your friend, your support, your rock when times are tough and vice versa.
Yes you have went through a rocky patch but like others have said its now time to smooth out those bad memories with some nice ones. explain to her this is a part of life, we now have the capacity to make changes, go on holiday together, TALK to each other.
People have to have more faith in marraige and what is stands for!
"People have to have more faith in marriage and what is stands for!"
Yep! I felt that I went by that but she didn't and I only say this as sadly today my 11 year old Niece rang my daughter (13) in floods as her parents have told her and her sisters that they are splitting up
I blame a lot of this on the pressures of modern age. Like the OP all 3 girls are in private education and both parents work their socks off to keep them there. No other luxuries ie just a nice little terrace house and a 10 year old BMW estate.
The mother's own business has recently taken off which means she is constantly flitting over to NY and SF in the States and soon off to Australia, I believe.
I'm not saying that is the sole problem but in many families that has to be a big part of it. The husband and the wife's career constantly butting heads and meaning no time for each other or the kids.
I know a lot of that is what caused our breakdown.
Interesting point: Are marriage breakdowns now more common than in the days when it was just the man who had to bring home the bacon and the woman had the (hard) job of looking after the kids, the home, the bills and her husband.
Just throwing it out there.
Yep! I felt that I went by that but she didn't and I only say this as sadly today my 11 year old Niece rang my daughter (13) in floods as her parents have told her and her sisters that they are splitting up
I blame a lot of this on the pressures of modern age. Like the OP all 3 girls are in private education and both parents work their socks off to keep them there. No other luxuries ie just a nice little terrace house and a 10 year old BMW estate.
The mother's own business has recently taken off which means she is constantly flitting over to NY and SF in the States and soon off to Australia, I believe.
I'm not saying that is the sole problem but in many families that has to be a big part of it. The husband and the wife's career constantly butting heads and meaning no time for each other or the kids.
I know a lot of that is what caused our breakdown.
Interesting point: Are marriage breakdowns now more common than in the days when it was just the man who had to bring home the bacon and the woman had the (hard) job of looking after the kids, the home, the bills and her husband.
Just throwing it out there.
My parents went through a similar situation many years ago. It culminated in them telling me that they were considering divorce and it was a really bad time for the whole family. A big part of the difficulty was my mum's business was struggling and taking up all her time as well. Anyway, they got through it and have had many happy years since. I would say don't give up OP if you really love her and she's worth fighting for. I hope I never find myself in your situation but there's nothing I wouldn't do if I thought it could save my relationship with my OH. I know from personal experience that these difficulties definitely can be overcome.
croyde said:
"People have to have more faith in marriage and what is stands for!"
Yep! I felt that I went by that but she didn't and I only say this as sadly today my 11 year old Niece rang my daughter (13) in floods as her parents have told her and her sisters that they are splitting up
I blame a lot of this on the pressures of modern age. Like the OP all 3 girls are in private education and both parents work their socks off to keep them there. No other luxuries ie just a nice little terrace house and a 10 year old BMW estate.
The mother's own business has recently taken off which means she is constantly flitting over to NY and SF in the States and soon off to Australia, I believe.
I'm not saying that is the sole problem but in many families that has to be a big part of it. The husband and the wife's career constantly butting heads and meaning no time for each other or the kids.
I know a lot of that is what caused our breakdown.
Interesting point: Are marriage breakdowns now more common than in the days when it was just the man who had to bring home the bacon and the woman had the (hard) job of looking after the kids, the home, the bills and her husband.
Just throwing it out there.
Marriage breakdowns probably are more common now, simply because women are financially and socially able to leave. I think this is a generally good thing. I've never been so relieved as when I left my (mental) ex and could keep him safely on the other side of a front door I paid for. Yep! I felt that I went by that but she didn't and I only say this as sadly today my 11 year old Niece rang my daughter (13) in floods as her parents have told her and her sisters that they are splitting up
I blame a lot of this on the pressures of modern age. Like the OP all 3 girls are in private education and both parents work their socks off to keep them there. No other luxuries ie just a nice little terrace house and a 10 year old BMW estate.
The mother's own business has recently taken off which means she is constantly flitting over to NY and SF in the States and soon off to Australia, I believe.
I'm not saying that is the sole problem but in many families that has to be a big part of it. The husband and the wife's career constantly butting heads and meaning no time for each other or the kids.
I know a lot of that is what caused our breakdown.
Interesting point: Are marriage breakdowns now more common than in the days when it was just the man who had to bring home the bacon and the woman had the (hard) job of looking after the kids, the home, the bills and her husband.
Just throwing it out there.
Carthage said:
Marriage breakdowns probably are more common now, simply because women are financially and socially able to leave. I think this is a generally good thing. I've never been so relieved as when I left my (mental) ex and could keep him safely on the other side of a front door I paid for.
Better than keeping safely on the other side of the door that he paid for 
croyde said:
Better than keeping safely on the other side of the door that he paid for
Nope - I paid half of all bills, often more.Then when I caught him behaving badly, he threw ME out of our shared house to sleep in my car.
Then asked me to pay a deposit for his new place 'because you've always paid our deposits'.
He was special.
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