Has anyone used a private detective?
Discussion
Reading through more posts I notice a running theme. These cheating partners seem to deny deny deny. Why? I simply wouldn't do this, especially if my relationship was going downhill. It seems these women need a relationship to grasp hold of until they ae certain they can jump ship and be with somebody else. Men don't seem to have a problem with being single.
The deny part makes them look like manipulative devious
s. To be fair, it actually makes them into a manipulative devious , they don't just look like one.
The deny part makes them look like manipulative devious
s. To be fair, it actually makes them into a manipulative devious , they don't just look like one.I'm speaking from experience but it's almost like she is leaving you clues so that she wants to be caught.
If you wanted to hide it you would just carry on as normal. It sounds like the interaction between the pair of you was minimal before your suspicions so it would be easy to mask any indiscretions.
If the worst comes to the worst then please get some legal representation who will look after your best interests. It may seem expensive at the time but trust me it isn't.
Whatever you do, do not blame yourself or if she turns the emotional screw and lays all the blame at your door then do not take it on board. Do not hit the bottle as an excuse and do not let your work habits slip.
As this is PH I feel that all relationships should be subject to an annual MOT with plenty of advisories and hopefully not a lot of fails.
I'm in the North West too so drop me a PM if it helps.
Hope you come out of this the other side a stronger, more experienced person.
If you wanted to hide it you would just carry on as normal. It sounds like the interaction between the pair of you was minimal before your suspicions so it would be easy to mask any indiscretions.
If the worst comes to the worst then please get some legal representation who will look after your best interests. It may seem expensive at the time but trust me it isn't.
Whatever you do, do not blame yourself or if she turns the emotional screw and lays all the blame at your door then do not take it on board. Do not hit the bottle as an excuse and do not let your work habits slip.
As this is PH I feel that all relationships should be subject to an annual MOT with plenty of advisories and hopefully not a lot of fails.
I'm in the North West too so drop me a PM if it helps.
Hope you come out of this the other side a stronger, more experienced person.
StottyZr said:
Reading through more posts I notice a running theme. These cheating partners seem to deny deny deny. Why? I simply wouldn't do this, especially if my relationship was going downhill. It seems these women need a relationship to grasp hold of until they ae certain they can jump ship and be with somebody else. Men don't seem to have a problem with being single.
The deny part makes them look like manipulative deviouss. To be fair, it actually makes them into a manipulative devious , they don't just look like one.
Enough with the misogyny.The deny part makes them look like manipulative devious
s. To be fair, it actually makes them into a manipulative devious , they don't just look like one.Women cheat and lie, men cheat and lie.
It's always sad for the people/family involved when a relationship breaks down, but best if it can be done as amicably as possible.
Rude-boy said:
blindswelledrat said:
I can't really put my finger on it, but above all else this sentence saddens me. Your marriage is long-dead I am afraid.
Not sure. Dad is the provider of the nice days out and the toys and the holidays and the smiling face. Mum is the harridan who will not let them play with their toy right now but makes then eat lunch. She is the one who tells them off for being slow to get ready for school, etc, etc.Not always as clear cut as it would seem.
The bit that did worry me about that comment though is that I see a temptation to play the 'Kids, who do you love the most?' game. You know, the one that everyone looses.
- her, of course
Carthage said:
Enough with the misogyny.
Women cheat and lie, men cheat and lie.
It's always sad for the people/family involved when a relationship breaks down, but best if it can be done as amicably as possible.
Agreed that misogyny has no place but it would certainly appear to be very often the case that women will find another partner before they will finish with the existing one than. Women cheat and lie, men cheat and lie.
It's always sad for the people/family involved when a relationship breaks down, but best if it can be done as amicably as possible.
With men it tends to be finish the meal you have started before you get a fresh plate.
Not saying that this is the way it always is, but it is certainly a very common theme.
My take, in no particular order:
(Kids are resilient by the way - they will bounce back, providing they are never used as pawns, and they know both parents love them, most will be fine, don't underestimate them)
Without knowing you both, I suggest you get the kids away for a night to grandparents or friends and ask her firmly that you want to talk.
Lay it out calmly. Express that you recognise that she isn't happy, that she is stressed, that she wanted a trial separation. Say you understand if she thinks the marriage is over, that you still care for her, but you think there is someone else and you don't want her to be trapped in a loveless marriage and that you want to build a plan with her that protects you both, and the children. Tell her how YOU feel and the evidence that has made you suspicious and how you aren't happy with the situation either, but whatever happens you want her to be happy?
- Sorry, but your marriage is over, whether she is having an affair or not, from what you have posted here
- The pill is a possible red herring (it can act as a good mood stabiliser) but not with the other treatments she was taken (although that can occur with stress as well)
- The hotel is a giveaway.
- She might care for you, but she doesn't love you any more, and she can't/won't communicate
- You have tried to fight for your marriage (good for you), but it sounds like it has run it's course.
- I don't think a private detective will solve the issue, it will just bring further tension and further (if possible) reduced trust.
(Kids are resilient by the way - they will bounce back, providing they are never used as pawns, and they know both parents love them, most will be fine, don't underestimate them)
Without knowing you both, I suggest you get the kids away for a night to grandparents or friends and ask her firmly that you want to talk.
Lay it out calmly. Express that you recognise that she isn't happy, that she is stressed, that she wanted a trial separation. Say you understand if she thinks the marriage is over, that you still care for her, but you think there is someone else and you don't want her to be trapped in a loveless marriage and that you want to build a plan with her that protects you both, and the children. Tell her how YOU feel and the evidence that has made you suspicious and how you aren't happy with the situation either, but whatever happens you want her to be happy?
McHaggis said:
My take, in no particular order:
(Kids are resilient by the way - they will bounce back, providing they are never used as pawns, and they know both parents love them, most will be fine, don't underestimate them)
Without knowing you both, I suggest you get the kids away for a night to grandparents or friends and ask her firmly that you want to talk.
Lay it out calmly. Express that you recognise that she isn't happy, that she is stressed, that she wanted a trial separation. Say you understand if she thinks the marriage is over, that you still care for her, but you think there is someone else and you don't want her to be trapped in a loveless marriage and that you want to build a plan with her that protects you both, and the children. Tell her how YOU feel and the evidence that has made you suspicious and how you aren't happy with the situation either, but whatever happens you want her to be happy?
Just to add to that - if she does want a trial separation, try and get her to leave rather than you- Sorry, but your marriage is over, whether she is having an affair or not, from what you have posted here
- The pill is a possible red herring (it can act as a good mood stabiliser) but not with the other treatments she was taken (although that can occur with stress as well)
- The hotel is a giveaway.
- She might care for you, but she doesn't love you any more, and she can't/won't communicate
- You have tried to fight for your marriage (good for you), but it sounds like it has run it's course.
- I don't think a private detective will solve the issue, it will just bring further tension and further (if possible) reduced trust.
(Kids are resilient by the way - they will bounce back, providing they are never used as pawns, and they know both parents love them, most will be fine, don't underestimate them)
Without knowing you both, I suggest you get the kids away for a night to grandparents or friends and ask her firmly that you want to talk.
Lay it out calmly. Express that you recognise that she isn't happy, that she is stressed, that she wanted a trial separation. Say you understand if she thinks the marriage is over, that you still care for her, but you think there is someone else and you don't want her to be trapped in a loveless marriage and that you want to build a plan with her that protects you both, and the children. Tell her how YOU feel and the evidence that has made you suspicious and how you aren't happy with the situation either, but whatever happens you want her to be happy?
mondeoman said:
Just to add to that - if she does want a trial separation, try and get her to leave rather than you
^^^^Yes. Though it won't necessarily help long term, it might reduce tensions in the short term. "who slept with who and who left who" are not major factors in deciding custody providing their are no serious mental health / violence / neglect in the eyes of the court, though they do tend to listen to children a little more than they used to. Staying reasonable and avoiding solictors is key to an amicable separation. You don't need them, people just think they have to have them to divorce and it becomes an arms race.
) woman instead.Rude-boy said:
Agreed that misogyny has no place but it would certainly appear to be very often the case that women will find another partner before they will finish with the existing one than.
With men it tends to be finish the meal you have started before you get a fresh plate.
Not saying that this is the way it always is, but it is certainly a very common theme.
On the plus side take comfort in the fact the new relationsahip is doomed from the start. He knows she's capable of cheating so that will plant the seed of doubt in his mind. Their relationship was founded on lies and it will eat away at him, he'll always be thinking "when will she do it to me?". I've never known any of these kind of relationships to last. My ex was knocked up 6 months after we split to the lad she insists she wasn't cheating on me with. The relationship didn't even last to the kids first birthday. She's fWith men it tends to be finish the meal you have started before you get a fresh plate.
Not saying that this is the way it always is, but it is certainly a very common theme.
king his mate now. Carthage said:
Vilifying the mother of one's children (even if she has been unfaithful and should have been more honest) is rarely a good plan.
Amen. Throughout the s
t filled pit of pain that was my divorce, the overriding thing in my mind was that despite everything, she was my son's mother, and I did everything with a view of how he would want me to behave towards her.First off I would talk to her parents but personally I don’t think it sounds like she is having an affair, possibly just losing it a bit & in denial.
I have gone through bouts of depression during my whole adult life for various reasons, it comes and goes. I feel detached from everyone, family, friends, boyfriend, either don’t want to go out and stay in bed to think stuff over which makes me worse or I go out all the time so I don’t sit home thinking about stuff. I would say she definitely needs to see a doctor & eliminate/ confirm the possibility.
It sounds like you genuinely love her and want to make this work, going to the doctors would be my first port of call, if she’s not willing to help herself, maybe it would be best to separate as much as that will hurt to read.
I don’t think the pill has any relevance personally, I have been on the pill for 11 years even though I had a spell of 3 years where I was single, means nothing, I just don’t like having monthly pains etc so I take it, it also stops me getting headaches & having mood swings which I did, a lot before I started it.
Most women will get thrush throughout their lives that’s a fact.
Parking Ticket – I have left my car on services a few times whilst I’ve gone off with mates who don’t live local to me for various reasons, never to have an affair though
I fully believe (even though they seem happier now than ever) that my parents stayed together for us, it didn’t do me any favours as I heard the arguments & saw the slamming of things in the kitchen etc, it still hurts now to think about the time I watched my Mum leave in her friends car after a bad argument. As I say they seem happier now but there’s no guarantees in life
I sleep with my phone under my pillow as it wakes me up due to the flash flashing when I get a notification/ text even when its on silent (this can probably be turned off but its handy at work as it gets my attention
I think men are more likely to talk about being cheated on to anyone that will listen whereas a lot of women I know have hidden it and made up reasons for breakups. I think this is probably the reason women get such a bad rep on PH
Btw – I don’t care about grammatical errors, the advice is more important
I have gone through bouts of depression during my whole adult life for various reasons, it comes and goes. I feel detached from everyone, family, friends, boyfriend, either don’t want to go out and stay in bed to think stuff over which makes me worse or I go out all the time so I don’t sit home thinking about stuff. I would say she definitely needs to see a doctor & eliminate/ confirm the possibility.
It sounds like you genuinely love her and want to make this work, going to the doctors would be my first port of call, if she’s not willing to help herself, maybe it would be best to separate as much as that will hurt to read.
I don’t think the pill has any relevance personally, I have been on the pill for 11 years even though I had a spell of 3 years where I was single, means nothing, I just don’t like having monthly pains etc so I take it, it also stops me getting headaches & having mood swings which I did, a lot before I started it.
Most women will get thrush throughout their lives that’s a fact.
Parking Ticket – I have left my car on services a few times whilst I’ve gone off with mates who don’t live local to me for various reasons, never to have an affair though
I fully believe (even though they seem happier now than ever) that my parents stayed together for us, it didn’t do me any favours as I heard the arguments & saw the slamming of things in the kitchen etc, it still hurts now to think about the time I watched my Mum leave in her friends car after a bad argument. As I say they seem happier now but there’s no guarantees in life
I sleep with my phone under my pillow as it wakes me up due to the flash flashing when I get a notification/ text even when its on silent (this can probably be turned off but its handy at work as it gets my attention
I think men are more likely to talk about being cheated on to anyone that will listen whereas a lot of women I know have hidden it and made up reasons for breakups. I think this is probably the reason women get such a bad rep on PH
Btw – I don’t care about grammatical errors, the advice is more important
Hello all.
Thank you so much for the responses overnight and this morning. It probably says a lot about my state of mind that I have felt more support and kindness from this thread than I have had in my life (children excepted) for a very long time. It's quite humbling and very much appreciated.
I'm very conscious that mine is just one side of the position and that PH is male-dominated so I'm more likely to find male perspective and experience here, but in this instance that is relevant and pertinent.
To try and answer a couple of questions that have been raised:
- There is absolutely no chance of us playing favourites with the children or putting them in the middle of difficult conversations. We both want the best for them and whatever happens we'll make it as easy as possible for them. My comment about them preferring me was just an observation and there is some truth in the "mum is the disciplinarian/dad is the fun guy" angle, although over the last year she has changed her behaviour significantly in this area and now leaves most of it to me. However, there is no doubt that they prefer my company and both want to be with me when we are both around. I'm balanced, consistent and fair with them (as well as spoling them a little) and they know where the boundaries are with me. My wife is much more inconsistent and has become moreso lately. My Daughter in particular seems to be able to do no right at the moment and it's fairly upsetting for her to come to me and ask if I can help her to stop annoying mummy all the time.
- My wife's priorities are all over the place at the moment. I have been away with work for a couple of days this week and she prioritised getting her hair cut (which took five hours and cost £130) over a dental appointment for the children. The dentist called me and asked why the no-show and if there was a problem as they have missed the last three.
- My wife used to be very houseproud and she was involved in the "interior magazines" world for a while. These days I come home to mess everywhere, sinks full of dishes, etc. I don't subscribe to traditional gender roles and I do a lot of housework myself but this is supposed to be her responsibility and she's not meeting it at the moment. I usually just clean up myself.
- After having thrown herself into creating our home for several years my wife now wants to put our house up for sale/rent as she "can't stand living here any more". It's a farmhouse with some land and it's pretty much to her design. The children go to the village school just up the road and love it. In my view, it's not exactly the sort of place that anyone couldn't stand living in. I have resisted this so far as I think children only have three "rocks" in their world - their parents, their home and their school. I really don't think it would be a good idea to change all three at once. My wife doesn't get this at all.
- Finally, and I've avoided bring this up until now - my wife has some previous form here. When we first met I was single and she was in a relationship. Nothing happened while she was with him (she lived in his house) but she came on to me very strongly in an inappropriate manner several times and it was quite clear that it was me resisting a relationship, not her. She would have been happy to start seeing me behind his back. Admittedly this was 18 years ago but with hindsight I suspect her perspective in area this may not have changed much.
Thus far I have tried very hard not to post about her in a negative tone and the points above are intended to show a change in behaviour over the recent past (the last point notwithstanding), rather than to criticise. She is the mother of my children and I did love her very much. As noted, perhaps this went away a long time ago and I haven't noticed. I am also culpable here and it's not all her fault. There have been many times when I have been too exhausted from work to do things with her or really listen to what she was saying (I work up to 80 hours a week in a pressurised environment) and I really should have made time to communicate and listen better. Hindsight is wonderful.
To summarise, if it was just me and her I would probably acquiesce to the separation and count myself lucky. It's not, though, and I still cannot even begin to imagine life not living with my children. This is the crux of the matter - I could live without my wife, but not without my children.
Anyway, I'm in danger of lapsing into self-pity here and that's the last thing I want. Please keep all thoughts and comments coming, it's really helping.
P.S. My wife has just texted me to ask if the four of us can go away for the weekend to a cottage she has booked! This will be interesting with all of us on top of each other for a few days. It seems we are leaving at 6pm so I may be on and offline for the next few days.
Edited to add - we don't argue. I can count on the fingers of one hand proper arguments in our marriage (I just don't rise to it) and I suspect this is a big part of the problem. I raise this in case people think we're screaming at each other in front of the kids.
Thank you so much for the responses overnight and this morning. It probably says a lot about my state of mind that I have felt more support and kindness from this thread than I have had in my life (children excepted) for a very long time. It's quite humbling and very much appreciated.
I'm very conscious that mine is just one side of the position and that PH is male-dominated so I'm more likely to find male perspective and experience here, but in this instance that is relevant and pertinent.
To try and answer a couple of questions that have been raised:
- There is absolutely no chance of us playing favourites with the children or putting them in the middle of difficult conversations. We both want the best for them and whatever happens we'll make it as easy as possible for them. My comment about them preferring me was just an observation and there is some truth in the "mum is the disciplinarian/dad is the fun guy" angle, although over the last year she has changed her behaviour significantly in this area and now leaves most of it to me. However, there is no doubt that they prefer my company and both want to be with me when we are both around. I'm balanced, consistent and fair with them (as well as spoling them a little) and they know where the boundaries are with me. My wife is much more inconsistent and has become moreso lately. My Daughter in particular seems to be able to do no right at the moment and it's fairly upsetting for her to come to me and ask if I can help her to stop annoying mummy all the time.
- My wife's priorities are all over the place at the moment. I have been away with work for a couple of days this week and she prioritised getting her hair cut (which took five hours and cost £130) over a dental appointment for the children. The dentist called me and asked why the no-show and if there was a problem as they have missed the last three.
- My wife used to be very houseproud and she was involved in the "interior magazines" world for a while. These days I come home to mess everywhere, sinks full of dishes, etc. I don't subscribe to traditional gender roles and I do a lot of housework myself but this is supposed to be her responsibility and she's not meeting it at the moment. I usually just clean up myself.
- After having thrown herself into creating our home for several years my wife now wants to put our house up for sale/rent as she "can't stand living here any more". It's a farmhouse with some land and it's pretty much to her design. The children go to the village school just up the road and love it. In my view, it's not exactly the sort of place that anyone couldn't stand living in. I have resisted this so far as I think children only have three "rocks" in their world - their parents, their home and their school. I really don't think it would be a good idea to change all three at once. My wife doesn't get this at all.
- Finally, and I've avoided bring this up until now - my wife has some previous form here. When we first met I was single and she was in a relationship. Nothing happened while she was with him (she lived in his house) but she came on to me very strongly in an inappropriate manner several times and it was quite clear that it was me resisting a relationship, not her. She would have been happy to start seeing me behind his back. Admittedly this was 18 years ago but with hindsight I suspect her perspective in area this may not have changed much.
Thus far I have tried very hard not to post about her in a negative tone and the points above are intended to show a change in behaviour over the recent past (the last point notwithstanding), rather than to criticise. She is the mother of my children and I did love her very much. As noted, perhaps this went away a long time ago and I haven't noticed. I am also culpable here and it's not all her fault. There have been many times when I have been too exhausted from work to do things with her or really listen to what she was saying (I work up to 80 hours a week in a pressurised environment) and I really should have made time to communicate and listen better. Hindsight is wonderful.
To summarise, if it was just me and her I would probably acquiesce to the separation and count myself lucky. It's not, though, and I still cannot even begin to imagine life not living with my children. This is the crux of the matter - I could live without my wife, but not without my children.
Anyway, I'm in danger of lapsing into self-pity here and that's the last thing I want. Please keep all thoughts and comments coming, it's really helping.
P.S. My wife has just texted me to ask if the four of us can go away for the weekend to a cottage she has booked! This will be interesting with all of us on top of each other for a few days. It seems we are leaving at 6pm so I may be on and offline for the next few days.
Edited to add - we don't argue. I can count on the fingers of one hand proper arguments in our marriage (I just don't rise to it) and I suspect this is a big part of the problem. I raise this in case people think we're screaming at each other in front of the kids.
Edited by A bit down on Friday 17th August 13:38
Thanks for sharing back with us. You clearly are a caring father, and have a high level of emotional intelligence. Don't beat yourself up; we are here to help.
The break away can't hurt.
See if you can get her to agree that you both switch phones off for the weekend and try and get some space to talk?
Alternatively, see if she will in turn agree to a weekend of silliness with the children - just doing everything for them for one weekend - junk food, films, board games, their rules, etc? Whatever is happening it is causing stress for both of you.
The break away can't hurt.
See if you can get her to agree that you both switch phones off for the weekend and try and get some space to talk?
Alternatively, see if she will in turn agree to a weekend of silliness with the children - just doing everything for them for one weekend - junk food, films, board games, their rules, etc? Whatever is happening it is causing stress for both of you.
A bit down said:
Hello all.
P.S. My wife has just texted me to ask if the four of us can go away for the weekend to a cottage she has booked! This will be interesting with all of us on top of each other for a few days. It seems we are leaving at 6pm so I may be on and offline for the next few days.
Well it can't be all bad.P.S. My wife has just texted me to ask if the four of us can go away for the weekend to a cottage she has booked! This will be interesting with all of us on top of each other for a few days. It seems we are leaving at 6pm so I may be on and offline for the next few days.
PeanutHead said:
A bit down said:
Hello all.
P.S. My wife has just texted me to ask if the four of us can go away for the weekend to a cottage she has booked! This will be interesting with all of us on top of each other for a few days. It seems we are leaving at 6pm so I may be on and offline for the next few days.
Well it can't be all bad.P.S. My wife has just texted me to ask if the four of us can go away for the weekend to a cottage she has booked! This will be interesting with all of us on top of each other for a few days. It seems we are leaving at 6pm so I may be on and offline for the next few days.
But I hope not.
Pommygranite said:
The biggest hint isn't the thrush, the pill, the ticket, the hiding phone, the service station friend, the holiday alone
It's that she won't have sex with you.
I understand this. I would be prepared to continue with things as they are (honestly knowing that our marriage is over, being open about it but staying together for the children until they approach adulthood) but not if the trust is gone.It's that she won't have sex with you.
Of course I want love/sex/affection and all that goes with it but I want my children to be happy more. In my mind, their needs are far more important than mine. I hear what people are saying about amicable splits and that children get over it, but I am the only stable influence in the children's lives at the moment and although selfishly I don't want to be apart from them, I'm also worried about what their environment will be like if I'm not around.
A bit down said:
P.S. My wife has just texted me to ask if the four of us can go away for the weekend to a cottage she has booked! This will be interesting with all of us on top of each other for a few days. It seems we are leaving at 6pm so I may be on and offline for the next few days.
That's interesting...I've a couple of thoughts on this, either:
- She's trying to get away from something or feel that life has fallen into a rut, hence the wanting to sell the house and move.
- She's going to tell you she's having an affair on neutral territory. Seems odd and unlikely though if the kids are coming.
- She really wants to try and sort things out and getting away for a bit with the family is part of that.
- She is getting ready to tell you she's having an affair and wants to get away so she has one last nice memory as a happy family or she wants to use this weekend as a final stab at getting things sorted before she commits to leave.
Good luck
I take it your wife's role is mother and housewife?
It sounds to me as if she's bored! Or depressed. Or a mix of both.
That doesn't necessarily mean she's having an affair.
Hope your family weekend away helps. Although I think a weekend away with just the two of you might have allowed you space to just be a couple and not a mother and father.
It sounds to me as if she's bored! Or depressed. Or a mix of both.
That doesn't necessarily mean she's having an affair.
Hope your family weekend away helps. Although I think a weekend away with just the two of you might have allowed you space to just be a couple and not a mother and father.
Gassing Station | The Lounge | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff