Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 7)
Discussion
Captain Muppet said:
Einion Yrth said:
Captain Muppet said:
From one of my posts in the recently deleted God thread: two out of three people approve of adultory.
Shame that, fabulous strop at the end, teddy leaving the cot so fast it was red-shifted.
Paddy goes on who want's to be a millionaire.
Chris tarrant asks him the £200 question.
Paddy for £200 who did the great train robbery.?
Was it.
A Ronnie Corbett.
B Ronnie Biggs.
C Ronnie barker.
D Ronnie o'sullivan.
Paddy asks to take the money.
Chris tarrant replies come on Paddy are u stupid or something that's a easy question.
Paddy replies "I might be stupid Chris but I ain't no f
kin grass.A few words of advice...
MOTORISTS: Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.
MCDONALD'S: Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.
COOKING: Boil an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After three miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.
CAREERS: Car thieves... don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.
INSURANCE: Prevent burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.
MOTORISTS: Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.
MCDONALD'S: Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.
COOKING: Boil an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After three miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.
CAREERS: Car thieves... don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.
INSURANCE: Prevent burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.
A Lady interviewer with a male beer drinker,
Lady Interviewer: Do you drink every day?
Man: Yes.
Lady Interviewer: How much a day?
Man: Around 3 twelve-packs starting at noon.
Lady Interviewer: How much does a 12-pack cost?
Man: Roughly £10.00 at a supermarket.
Lady Interviewer: And how long have you been drinking like that ?
Man: 15 years.
Lady Interviewer: So with a twelve-pack costing £10.00, and you consuming 3
twelve-packs a day, you are spending roughly £900 each month. In one year,
you would then be spending £10,800, correct ?
Man: Correct.
Lady Interviewer: If in 1 year you spend £10,800 on beer, not accounting
for inflation, 15 years puts your spending roughly £162,000; correct?
Man: Correct.
Lady Interviewer: Did it ever occur to you that if you did not drink for
the last 15 years, you could have bought a Ferrari ?
Man: Do you drink?
Lady Interviewer: No.
Man: So where's your fk%n' Ferrari ?
Lady Interviewer: Do you drink every day?
Man: Yes.
Lady Interviewer: How much a day?
Man: Around 3 twelve-packs starting at noon.
Lady Interviewer: How much does a 12-pack cost?
Man: Roughly £10.00 at a supermarket.
Lady Interviewer: And how long have you been drinking like that ?
Man: 15 years.
Lady Interviewer: So with a twelve-pack costing £10.00, and you consuming 3
twelve-packs a day, you are spending roughly £900 each month. In one year,
you would then be spending £10,800, correct ?
Man: Correct.
Lady Interviewer: If in 1 year you spend £10,800 on beer, not accounting
for inflation, 15 years puts your spending roughly £162,000; correct?
Man: Correct.
Lady Interviewer: Did it ever occur to you that if you did not drink for
the last 15 years, you could have bought a Ferrari ?
Man: Do you drink?
Lady Interviewer: No.
Man: So where's your f
k%n' Ferrari ?
- The largest cell in the human body is the female egg, and the smallest is the male sperm.
- A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball (a bit bigger than a cricket ball).
- It takes food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
- The attachment of human muscles to skin is what causes dimples.
- The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
- A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
- If the average male never shaved, his beard would be 13 feet long when he died.
- Men with hairless chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair.
- There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
- Side by side, 2000 cells from the human body could cover about one square inch.
- Women blink twice as much as men.
- The average person's skin weighs twice as much as their brain.
- When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate...they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate!
- Your ears secrete more earwax when you are afraid than when you aren't.
- Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
- If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
- The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man.
You looked at your thumb... didn't you?
A mathematician was put in a room. The room contains a table and three metal spheres about the size of a baseball. He was told to do whatever he wants with the balls and the table in one hour. After an hour, the balls are arranged in a triangle at the center of the table. The same test is given to a physicist. After an hour, the balls are stacked one on top of the other in the center of the table. Finally, an engineer was tested. After an hour, one of the balls is broken, one is missing, and he's carrying the third out in his lunchbox.
Justin Cyder said:
- The largest cell in the human body is the female egg, and the smallest is the male sperm.
- A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball (a bit bigger than a cricket ball).
- It takes food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
- The attachment of human muscles to skin is what causes dimples.
- The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
- A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
- If the average male never shaved, his beard would be 13 feet long when he died.
- Men with hairless chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair.
- There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
- Side by side, 2000 cells from the human body could cover about one square inch.
- Women blink twice as much as men.
- The average person's skin weighs twice as much as their brain.
- When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate...they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate!
- Your ears secrete more earwax when you are afraid than when you aren't.
- Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
- If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
- The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man.
You looked at your thumb... didn't you?
I knew it was 6 so I didn't look - A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball (a bit bigger than a cricket ball).
- It takes food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
- The attachment of human muscles to skin is what causes dimples.
- The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
- A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
- If the average male never shaved, his beard would be 13 feet long when he died.
- Men with hairless chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair.
- There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
- Side by side, 2000 cells from the human body could cover about one square inch.
- Women blink twice as much as men.
- The average person's skin weighs twice as much as their brain.
- When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate...they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate!
- Your ears secrete more earwax when you are afraid than when you aren't.
- Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
- If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
- The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man.
You looked at your thumb... didn't you?
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