Being told " I don't love you anymore"
Discussion
Whattodonow said:
Well, how wrong could I be
18 months on and she's done it again, except this time she's left me for a guy she's been with for 2 weeks.
The marriage is definitely done.
I'm sat at work 4500 miles and 7 hrs of time zones away (been here about 5 weeks, due back in another 3)
Her justification is that if her head can be turned so easily, then we just can't be right. She says she's not actually leaving me for him, but leaving me and happens to be with him.
I can feel myself slipping into a horrible dark place, haven't eaten or slept in 3 days, my work has gone to rats
t and I'm in a safety critical role, I've had to ask my boss to send me back to the uk
What a terrible situation. Very sorry to hear it. 18 months on and she's done it again, except this time she's left me for a guy she's been with for 2 weeks.
The marriage is definitely done.
I'm sat at work 4500 miles and 7 hrs of time zones away (been here about 5 weeks, due back in another 3)
Her justification is that if her head can be turned so easily, then we just can't be right. She says she's not actually leaving me for him, but leaving me and happens to be with him.
I can feel myself slipping into a horrible dark place, haven't eaten or slept in 3 days, my work has gone to rats
t and I'm in a safety critical role, I've had to ask my boss to send me back to the ukHas made me think a bit more on my situation. I think I posted way back on this thread or one similar. Basically, a similar ending to your marriage, with the final nail in its (20 year) coffin coming by means of a phone call whilst I was at work on an oil rig thousands of miles away.
Fast forward to now, 3 years down the line and my life is still an emotional mess. Have made no real effort to move on and probably too bitter and twisted to start again. I would have her back tomorrow - even though she has lived with the guy, she was seeing behind my back, for all of this time.
Nowt as wierd as folk, I guess?
Whattodonow said:
Well, how wrong could I be
18 months on and she's done it again, except this time she's left me for a guy she's been with for 2 weeks.
The marriage is definitely done.
I'm sat at work 4500 miles and 7 hrs of time zones away (been here about 5 weeks, due back in another 3)
Her justification is that if her head can be turned so easily, then we just can't be right. She says she's not actually leaving me for him, but leaving me and happens to be with him.
I can feel myself slipping into a horrible dark place, haven't eaten or slept in 3 days, my work has gone to ratst and I'm in a safety critical role, I've had to ask my boss to send me back to the uk
I understand that you are in a dark place at the moment and what she has done to you is terrible as she should have spoken to you face to face and call time on your marriage before starting any of this, but stay on this forum on this thread don't take notice of any trolls.18 months on and she's done it again, except this time she's left me for a guy she's been with for 2 weeks.
The marriage is definitely done.
I'm sat at work 4500 miles and 7 hrs of time zones away (been here about 5 weeks, due back in another 3)
Her justification is that if her head can be turned so easily, then we just can't be right. She says she's not actually leaving me for him, but leaving me and happens to be with him.
I can feel myself slipping into a horrible dark place, haven't eaten or slept in 3 days, my work has gone to rats
t and I'm in a safety critical role, I've had to ask my boss to send me back to the ukJust try to keep a clear head at the moment, it will get better not tha you can see that far ahead at the moment but trust me it will.
Just talking or writing can help you to just get your anger and feelings out, to keep you going in the right way, but talk to someone or us on here.
As strange as it all sounds, I'm a lot more settled now I'm home and have seen my kids.
We've talked a bit about our respective futures, and how we move forward as individuals.
I've asked her to leave tonight and give me the space I need to think, and come back tomorrow to talk with fresher heads. She's going to his place.
As strange as this sounds, I actually feel a lot lighter, like I've been suppressing me to please her for so long, now all that matters is me and the kids.
I can go out and try to become sociable again.
I think going through all the same stuff last time and having to work so hard at making it work, makes this time easier because I know the endstate. We will never be together again
We've talked a bit about our respective futures, and how we move forward as individuals.
I've asked her to leave tonight and give me the space I need to think, and come back tomorrow to talk with fresher heads. She's going to his place.
As strange as this sounds, I actually feel a lot lighter, like I've been suppressing me to please her for so long, now all that matters is me and the kids.
I can go out and try to become sociable again.
I think going through all the same stuff last time and having to work so hard at making it work, makes this time easier because I know the endstate. We will never be together again
Whattodonow said:
As strange as it all sounds, I'm a lot more settled now I'm home and have seen my kids.
We've talked a bit about our respective futures, and how we move forward as individuals.
I've asked her to leave tonight and give me the space I need to think, and come back tomorrow to talk with fresher heads. She's going to his place.
As strange as this sounds, I actually feel a lot lighter, like I've been suppressing me to please her for so long, now all that matters is me and the kids.
I can go out and try to become sociable again.
I think going through all the same stuff last time and having to work so hard at making it work, makes this time easier because I know the endstate. We will never be together again
Good, progress for you.We've talked a bit about our respective futures, and how we move forward as individuals.
I've asked her to leave tonight and give me the space I need to think, and come back tomorrow to talk with fresher heads. She's going to his place.
As strange as this sounds, I actually feel a lot lighter, like I've been suppressing me to please her for so long, now all that matters is me and the kids.
I can go out and try to become sociable again.
I think going through all the same stuff last time and having to work so hard at making it work, makes this time easier because I know the endstate. We will never be together again
Now to set out, quite clearly and firmly, how you propose to handle the situation.
Terrible mate.
I split with the ex in feb, but just found out that she'd been seeing some bloke the second she moved out. All very friendly in the meantime, but the whole time had been seeing someone, off on holidays with him, everything. Claims nothing happened until she moved out but the timeline just doesnt work her way. Very weird feeling sitting there, hearing crap like, 'I love you, but I'm not IN love with you any more' and that her and the new guy have exchanged love yous already.
Did the same, lost appetite, no sleep etc, but you do hit a turning point. Fortunately this was before the wedding, and I'm just thanking my lucky stars, a few months later and I'd have been dinged for a boat load of cash.
Weird finding out, I felt so bad for her I put the deposit on her new place, sent my guys to take her stuff, settle her in, build her furniture, and even sent her a little cash that I got refunded from utility bills when I put them back into my name, then found out she'd been on untold holidays and out and about at the best restaurants in town. Talk about being played for a mug...
Anyway, lots of travel booked now, something to look forward to and just keeping busy, fortunatlely good friends have been inviting me out a lot and keeping me occupied, much needed and appreciated.
Its just amazing how some women can just switch it off, and be straight on to the next on, like you never existed. I couldnt even contemplate being in a relationship with someone for quite some time yet.
I split with the ex in feb, but just found out that she'd been seeing some bloke the second she moved out. All very friendly in the meantime, but the whole time had been seeing someone, off on holidays with him, everything. Claims nothing happened until she moved out but the timeline just doesnt work her way. Very weird feeling sitting there, hearing crap like, 'I love you, but I'm not IN love with you any more' and that her and the new guy have exchanged love yous already.
Did the same, lost appetite, no sleep etc, but you do hit a turning point. Fortunately this was before the wedding, and I'm just thanking my lucky stars, a few months later and I'd have been dinged for a boat load of cash.
Weird finding out, I felt so bad for her I put the deposit on her new place, sent my guys to take her stuff, settle her in, build her furniture, and even sent her a little cash that I got refunded from utility bills when I put them back into my name, then found out she'd been on untold holidays and out and about at the best restaurants in town. Talk about being played for a mug...
Anyway, lots of travel booked now, something to look forward to and just keeping busy, fortunatlely good friends have been inviting me out a lot and keeping me occupied, much needed and appreciated.
Its just amazing how some women can just switch it off, and be straight on to the next on, like you never existed. I couldnt even contemplate being in a relationship with someone for quite some time yet.
Calm thoughts, words and deeds. About now, it might be dawning on her that it would be just as much fun if you moved out, and it might be dawning on her that there are really very easy ways of making that happen. Others on here might have suggestions on voice activated recording devices.
Chin up, love the children, and get a brew on.
Chin up, love the children, and get a brew on.
I'm in the process of applying for a house through my work now, if nothing else it'll give me somewhere to get my head together. It'll be in the next town along so joint custody will be easier to work out with my son staying at the same school
With regards to the house we own, I could easily afford to pay the mortgage myself, for her it would be tight.
I suggested that if she cannot afford it, she finds somewhere cheaper and I'll stay in our house, but her reply was that to rent in this area is unaffordable to her, and as such she would move away with the kids.
With regards to the house we own, I could easily afford to pay the mortgage myself, for her it would be tight.
I suggested that if she cannot afford it, she finds somewhere cheaper and I'll stay in our house, but her reply was that to rent in this area is unaffordable to her, and as such she would move away with the kids.
That sounds like emotional blackmail to me. Very unfair to just announce it without any discussion.
I know it's early days, but it might be worth suggesting mediation. If you can work together to find a settlement re finances, housing, kids etc that would be much better than the slanging match that could ensue otherwise. The best interests of the kids have to come first, surely she realises that. Do you have friends/family that can support you through this?
Have a look at Wikivorce.com. There's loads of info and advice on there. Try and stay calm even if she does start pushing your buttons.
All the best, keep posting.
I know it's early days, but it might be worth suggesting mediation. If you can work together to find a settlement re finances, housing, kids etc that would be much better than the slanging match that could ensue otherwise. The best interests of the kids have to come first, surely she realises that. Do you have friends/family that can support you through this?
Have a look at Wikivorce.com. There's loads of info and advice on there. Try and stay calm even if she does start pushing your buttons.
All the best, keep posting.
Bluesgirl said:
Do you have friends/family that can support you through this?
Not really, a few have been absolutely brilliant over the phone, but TBH, I probably don't have anyone who I'd consider as close within about 500 miles 
I feel like a piece of s
t today, I just found out from a mutual friend that she was diagnosed with M.E back in December. Now that does not in any way excuse her actions, but it makes me feel like an absolute for not supporting her through it, I didn't even know First time poster on this thread but I'll jump right in and say why feel like a when she didn't tell you?
fk her. Don't allow yourself to feel sympathy for a situation she didn't even feel the need to make you privy to knowing about. That's the new guy's problem, not yours. You need to simply focus on taking care of and providing for the kids in any event until such time that they can fend for themselves.
You've been dealt a stty hand but at least you're back in the UK now to handle business. And that's the approach now imo. Get the business head on and remove the emotions.
when she didn't tell you? f
k her. Don't allow yourself to feel sympathy for a situation she didn't even feel the need to make you privy to knowing about. That's the new guy's problem, not yours. You need to simply focus on taking care of and providing for the kids in any event until such time that they can fend for themselves.You've been dealt a s
tty hand but at least you're back in the UK now to handle business. And that's the approach now imo. Get the business head on and remove the emotions.DoubleTime said:
First time poster on this thread but I'll jump right in and say why feel like a when she didn't tell you?
fk her. Don't allow yourself to feel sympathy for a situation she didn't even feel the need to make you privy to knowing about. That's the new guy's problem, not yours. You need to simply focus on taking care of and providing for the kids in any event until such time that they can fend for themselves.
You've been dealt a stty hand but at least you're back in the UK now to handle business. And that's the approach now imo. Get the business head on and remove the emotions.
Didn't want to just read and not post, especially after a cracking post from DoubleTime. After a break-up, It is natural to look for where you went wrong and try to blame yourself but her secrecy brought this on so don't feel bad about not knowing. If she'd told you, you would have had a chance to be sympathetic but she didn't, so no blame attached to you. when she didn't tell you? f
k her. Don't allow yourself to feel sympathy for a situation she didn't even feel the need to make you privy to knowing about. That's the new guy's problem, not yours. You need to simply focus on taking care of and providing for the kids in any event until such time that they can fend for themselves.You've been dealt a s
tty hand but at least you're back in the UK now to handle business. And that's the approach now imo. Get the business head on and remove the emotions.Whattodonow said:
Not really, a few have been absolutely brilliant over the phone, but TBH, I probably don't have anyone who I'd consider as close within about 500 miles
I feel like a piece of st today, I just found out from a mutual friend that she was diagnosed with M.E back in December. Now that does not in any way excuse her actions, but it makes me feel like an absolute for not supporting her through it, I didn't even know
It would seem from this thread that you have more friends and ears to bend than you realise, keep posting and talking, it will help.I feel like a piece of s
t today, I just found out from a mutual friend that she was diagnosed with M.E back in December. Now that does not in any way excuse her actions, but it makes me feel like an absolute for not supporting her through it, I didn't even know I understand that because of the shock of the situation you must be absolutely reeling. However why are you talking about moving out? She is the one in the wrong here so ask her to move out and you look after the kids in your house. Tough s
t if she can't afford to rent in the area, she made that bed, she has to lie in it. She also chose not to share the ME info with you. You cannot blame yourself for something you know nothing about. Keep your focus on your kids and how you can help them. Ultimately this will help get you through, Tonkers posts should be an inspiration on this aspect.
(Can't believe your situation has made me so cross that I posted in a thread that effectively tars me with the same brush. Sincerely yours, a PH SWT.
)Whattodonow said:
Bluesgirl said:
Do you have friends/family that can support you through this?
Not really, a few have been absolutely brilliant over the phone, but TBH, I probably don't have anyone who I'd consider as close within about 500 miles I feel like a piece of s
t today, I just found out from a mutual friend that she was diagnosed with M.E back in December. Now that does not in any way excuse her actions, but it makes me feel like an absolute for not supporting her through it, I didn't even know johnwilliams77 said:
AndStilliRise said:
What is M.E? Can it be fixed?
http://bfy.tw/C3wnI was wondering about the assumption that she would move away with the kids and that they wouldn't see you so much. She's the one who's kicked this off, why should she get to make the decision about who lives where and who has the kids?
Are you in a position to have the kids with you? Could that work? Is that something you'd want to do?
From experience, once the shock has subsided, you'll start getting angry about her behaviour (justifiably so) and you may be less concerned about how she's doing and more determined to look after yourself and the kids and sod what she wants.
Are you in a position to have the kids with you? Could that work? Is that something you'd want to do?
From experience, once the shock has subsided, you'll start getting angry about her behaviour (justifiably so) and you may be less concerned about how she's doing and more determined to look after yourself and the kids and sod what she wants.
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