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There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude
woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred
years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a
single gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a
hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life
for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the
shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.
The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you
care to do it again?'
He asks her 'Shall we?'
She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions.
This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head.'
woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred
years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a
single gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a
hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life
for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the
shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.
The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you
care to do it again?'
He asks her 'Shall we?'
She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions.
This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head.'
2008 Blonde Joke Of The Year
A blonde went into a World Wide Message Centre to send a message to her mother overseas.
When the man told her it would cost £300, she exclaimed: "I don't have any money. But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother".
The man arched an eyebrow.
"Hmmm...Anything?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.
"Well then, just follow me", said the man as he walked towards the next room. The blonde did as she was told and followed the man.
"Come in and close the door" the man said.
She did. He then said "Now get on your knees."
She did. "Now take down my zipper".
She did. "Now go ahead ... take it out...." he said.
She reached in and grabbed it with both hands then paused.
The man closed his eyes, smiled and whispered
"Well............ go ahead".
The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it close to her lips, tentatively said...........
"Hello. Mom...can you hear me?"
A blonde went into a World Wide Message Centre to send a message to her mother overseas.
When the man told her it would cost £300, she exclaimed: "I don't have any money. But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother".
The man arched an eyebrow.
"Hmmm...Anything?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.
"Well then, just follow me", said the man as he walked towards the next room. The blonde did as she was told and followed the man.
"Come in and close the door" the man said.
She did. He then said "Now get on your knees."
She did. "Now take down my zipper".
She did. "Now go ahead ... take it out...." he said.
She reached in and grabbed it with both hands then paused.
The man closed his eyes, smiled and whispered
"Well............ go ahead".
The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it close to her lips, tentatively said...........
"Hello. Mom...can you hear me?"
Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a check-up only to find out that she's pregnant.
She is furious... Here she is, in the middle of her first run for President... Now this has happened to her!
She calls home, gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming:
"How could you have let this happens? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you? I can't believe this! I've just found out I'm five weeks pregnant and it's all your fault! Well... what have you got to say?"
There is nothing but dead silence on the phone. She screams again:
"DID YOU HEAR ME?!?!?!?!"
Finally, she hear Bill's very, very quiet voice. In a barely audible
whisper.... he says:
"Who's speaking?"
She is furious... Here she is, in the middle of her first run for President... Now this has happened to her!
She calls home, gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming:
"How could you have let this happens? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you? I can't believe this! I've just found out I'm five weeks pregnant and it's all your fault! Well... what have you got to say?"
There is nothing but dead silence on the phone. She screams again:
"DID YOU HEAR ME?!?!?!?!"
Finally, she hear Bill's very, very quiet voice. In a barely audible
whisper.... he says:
"Who's speaking?"
10 Pence Short said:
A man walks into a petrol station and says, "can I please have a KitKat Chunky?"
The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.
"No," says the man, "I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat b1tch."
Quoted again, as it was funny the first time, second time, 40th time, 75th time .....The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.
"No," says the man, "I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat b1tch."
The Labour Party has announced it has changed its emblem from a rose to a condom.
This will give a more accurate representation of the Party's current political stance.
A condom:
Allows for inflation,
Halts production,
Destroys the next generation,
Protects a bunch of pricks,
and gives you a sense of security whilst you are actually being f
ked.
This will give a more accurate representation of the Party's current political stance.
A condom:
Allows for inflation,
Halts production,
Destroys the next generation,
Protects a bunch of pricks,
and gives you a sense of security whilst you are actually being f
ked.A new first year class met their teacher for the first time.
She told them "This is your first proper year of school, so we not talk in baby talk any longer. Now I will point to you, and you will tell me what you did in the summer."
The first child pointed to stood and said "My name is Jackie and I visted my nanna."
The teacher said, "That's great, but from now on, no baby talk, so you visited your Grandmother."
The second child said "I am Frank and I went on my holidays on a choo-choo."
Teacher says "That's good, but from now on you will say train rather than choo-choo."
The next child stands and says "My name is Paul and this summer I read a book."
"Very good Paul," says the teacher, "what book did you read?"
He thinks carefully, then proudly says "Winnie The st"
She told them "This is your first proper year of school, so we not talk in baby talk any longer. Now I will point to you, and you will tell me what you did in the summer."
The first child pointed to stood and said "My name is Jackie and I visted my nanna."
The teacher said, "That's great, but from now on, no baby talk, so you visited your Grandmother."
The second child said "I am Frank and I went on my holidays on a choo-choo."
Teacher says "That's good, but from now on you will say train rather than choo-choo."
The next child stands and says "My name is Paul and this summer I read a book."
"Very good Paul," says the teacher, "what book did you read?"
He thinks carefully, then proudly says "Winnie The s
t"Man goes to the doctor feeling a bit ill;
"I'm sorry" said the doctor, "I'm afraid you have caught 'yellow 45' and theres no known cure for it, you only have a few weeks to live"
"What should I do?" asks the man
"Well I'd do something you really enjoy doing and make the most of it! Do you have any hobbies?"
"I like to play bingo, I think i'll go down to the bingo hall."
So off he goes, he buys his books and gets ready to play the local game first, which he wins, £5000! Fancying his luck and thinking back to what the doctor said he buys a load of books for the national game with a £50000 jackpot. The game starts and the man is dabbing away and again, he wins!
The owner of the bingo hall is so pleased that someone has won the national in his hall he gets the man up on stage to a mass of applause;
"This man is the luckiest man in the world!" he exclaims "Not only has he won the £5000 local jackpot but he has won the £50000 national right here! There is nobody luckier!"
"But i've got yellow 45" the man says
"Jesus Christ" says the owner "he's won the raffle as well!"
"I'm sorry" said the doctor, "I'm afraid you have caught 'yellow 45' and theres no known cure for it, you only have a few weeks to live"
"What should I do?" asks the man
"Well I'd do something you really enjoy doing and make the most of it! Do you have any hobbies?"
"I like to play bingo, I think i'll go down to the bingo hall."
So off he goes, he buys his books and gets ready to play the local game first, which he wins, £5000! Fancying his luck and thinking back to what the doctor said he buys a load of books for the national game with a £50000 jackpot. The game starts and the man is dabbing away and again, he wins!
The owner of the bingo hall is so pleased that someone has won the national in his hall he gets the man up on stage to a mass of applause;
"This man is the luckiest man in the world!" he exclaims "Not only has he won the £5000 local jackpot but he has won the £50000 national right here! There is nobody luckier!"
"But i've got yellow 45" the man says
"Jesus Christ" says the owner "he's won the raffle as well!"
A modern Islamic couple, preparing for a religious wedding meets with
their Mullah for counseling. The Mullah asks if they have any last
questions before they leave.
The man asks, We realize it's a tradition in Islam for men to dance
with men, and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception,
we'd like your permission to dance together.
Absolutely not, says the Mullah. It's immoral. Men and women always
dance separately.
So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?
No, answered the Mullah, It's forbidden in Islam.
Well, okay, says the man, What about sex? Can we finally have sex?
Of course! replies the Mullah, Sex is OK within marriage, to have
children!
What about di fferent positions? asks the man.
No problem, says the Mullah.
Woman on top? the man asks.
Sure, says the Mullah. Go for it!
Doggy style?
Sure!
On the kitchen table?
Yes, yes!
Can we do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a
bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, leather harnesses, a bucket of
honey and a porno video?
You may indeed!
Can we do it standing up?
No, says the Mullah.
Why not? asks the man.
Because that could lead to dancing.
If you find this offensive, tough sh!t, its a joke, FFS get over it
their Mullah for counseling. The Mullah asks if they have any last
questions before they leave.
The man asks, We realize it's a tradition in Islam for men to dance
with men, and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception,
we'd like your permission to dance together.
Absolutely not, says the Mullah. It's immoral. Men and women always
dance separately.
So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?
No, answered the Mullah, It's forbidden in Islam.
Well, okay, says the man, What about sex? Can we finally have sex?
Of course! replies the Mullah, Sex is OK within marriage, to have
children!
What about di fferent positions? asks the man.
No problem, says the Mullah.
Woman on top? the man asks.
Sure, says the Mullah. Go for it!
Doggy style?
Sure!
On the kitchen table?
Yes, yes!
Can we do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a
bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, leather harnesses, a bucket of
honey and a porno video?
You may indeed!
Can we do it standing up?
No, says the Mullah.
Why not? asks the man.
Because that could lead to dancing.
If you find this offensive, tough sh!t, its a joke, FFS get over it
A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun.
He shouts "this is a raid - everyone get on the floor!!", and proceeds to empty the cash drawers.
As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off his balaclava. The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head and shouts.. "Did anybody else here see my face?".
The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and goes over and shoots him in the head also.
"Did anybody else see my face?" he shouts again, waving his gun around. There is silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard
from a distant corner..
"I think my missus caught a glimpse...."
He shouts "this is a raid - everyone get on the floor!!", and proceeds to empty the cash drawers.
As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off his balaclava. The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head and shouts.. "Did anybody else here see my face?".
The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and goes over and shoots him in the head also.
"Did anybody else see my face?" he shouts again, waving his gun around. There is silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard
from a distant corner..
"I think my missus caught a glimpse...."
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