If the worst were to happen...
Discussion
Penny-lope said:
But sadly not everyone lives in the same little 'happy world'
This man has been in this child's life since it was 8 months old, so you can not expect him to just hand over the child and stand back, or walk away (depending on which the biological father may well expect him to do)
OP, all three of you have to sit down and talk things through like adults, and decide what would be best for the child (which of course may well change with time)
Agreed.This man has been in this child's life since it was 8 months old, so you can not expect him to just hand over the child and stand back, or walk away (depending on which the biological father may well expect him to do)
OP, all three of you have to sit down and talk things through like adults, and decide what would be best for the child (which of course may well change with time)
It frightens me to think that I could be told by him that I will have nothing more to do with his son; which is morally wrong but could be legally right. I can't even say for sure that I wouldn't do the same if I were in his position, so maybe that makes me a hypocrite.
I think it will have to be discussed at some point.
bozibo said:
SC7 said:
I asked if I would be legally able to take responsibility for the child. If I can't, then that is something I will have to accept.
If there were no pre - existing legal agreement you would have to fight for him.willy wonka said:
Me and my wife have been through this my wife has a daughter from a previous relationship.When we got married we had the same thought.As bad as it sounds you have to treat the child as a possession if your partner has sole custody with her ex just having access she has to leave the child to you (if she wants to)in her will.We had to do this but as my stepdaughter is now 25 it does not matter so much.
HTH
Thank you.HTH
This may sound stupid but does she automatically have sole custody as the mother until legally challenged? Or can one only consider themselves sole custodians after arguing the case in court?
You see, the agreement for him to see his Dad at weekends is only verbal between my missus and her ex. Nothing is set in stone.
Edited by SC7 on Saturday 16th October 23:00
Penny-lope said:
Cas_P said:
He's the dad, he plays a part, he clearly cares about his child. You're not his dad, and you shouldn't go trying to take his place because you *think* you'd be better. Just because he cheated doesn't mean he doesn't care about his child, and he probably feels quite upset by the fact that you so clearly openly believe
this child is or should be more yours than his. And probably feels pushed away.
You say I don't know the whole story so can't judge, but you've put this thread up on here and asked advice/thoughts based on the information given. I think
you're wrong and need to think of how
You'd feel if you were the father. But you clearly don't want any opinions that differ with your thoughts. Regardless of saying "I appreciate what you're saying" to people. Because it's obvious you don't. I have a 4 year old (on Monday) and I'd never let anyone take his dads place and I'd not expect his dad to let anyone take my place.
But sadly not everyone lives in the same little 'happy world' this child is or should be more yours than his. And probably feels pushed away.
You say I don't know the whole story so can't judge, but you've put this thread up on here and asked advice/thoughts based on the information given. I think
you're wrong and need to think of how
You'd feel if you were the father. But you clearly don't want any opinions that differ with your thoughts. Regardless of saying "I appreciate what you're saying" to people. Because it's obvious you don't. I have a 4 year old (on Monday) and I'd never let anyone take his dads place and I'd not expect his dad to let anyone take my place.
This man has been in this child's life since it was 8 months old, so you can not expect him to just hand over the child and stand back, or walk away (depending on which the biological father may well expect him to do)
OP, all three of you have to sit down and talk things through like adults, and decide what would be best for the child (which of course may well change with time)
Though, do see one of my posts when I said it should be the dad giving you access, this implies that I in no way think you should, if that situation was to happen, completely lose contact with the son. I just don't think you would/should have sole custody, though you should have access, as you have clearly played a huge part in bringing this child up, which is admirable. But I still don't think, from your replies, that you're putting it into perspective and thinking of it from the fathers P.O.V and seem to be disregarding how much he probably loves his son just as much as you do.
If he didn't love your girlfriend anymore and cheated that changes nothing, there's no point bringing it up. It doesn't make him feel any differently about his child. Maybe you should speak to HIM about this and see what he thinks?
Edited by Cas_P on Saturday 16th October 23:49
Cas_P said:
Penny-lope said:
Cas_P said:
He's the dad, he plays a part, he clearly cares about his child. You're not his dad, and you shouldn't go trying to take his place because you *think* you'd be better. Just because he cheated doesn't mean he doesn't care about his child, and he probably feels quite upset by the fact that you so clearly openly believe
this child is or should be more yours than his. And probably feels pushed away.
You say I don't know the whole story so can't judge, but you've put this thread up on here and asked advice/thoughts based on the information given. I think
you're wrong and need to think of how
You'd feel if you were the father. But you clearly don't want any opinions that differ with your thoughts. Regardless of saying "I appreciate what you're saying" to people. Because it's obvious you don't. I have a 4 year old (on Monday) and I'd never let anyone take his dads place and I'd not expect his dad to let anyone take my place.
But sadly not everyone lives in the same little 'happy world' this child is or should be more yours than his. And probably feels pushed away.
You say I don't know the whole story so can't judge, but you've put this thread up on here and asked advice/thoughts based on the information given. I think
you're wrong and need to think of how
You'd feel if you were the father. But you clearly don't want any opinions that differ with your thoughts. Regardless of saying "I appreciate what you're saying" to people. Because it's obvious you don't. I have a 4 year old (on Monday) and I'd never let anyone take his dads place and I'd not expect his dad to let anyone take my place.
This man has been in this child's life since it was 8 months old, so you can not expect him to just hand over the child and stand back, or walk away (depending on which the biological father may well expect him to do)
OP, all three of you have to sit down and talk things through like adults, and decide what would be best for the child (which of course may well change with time)
legally no you have no rights.
When you and your partner marry, you still have no rights to the child.
You could ask about adopting the child but as the father does actually see the child Id doubt he would agree.
you have said a number of times that the parent and child arrangement was set up by the mum and dad and nothing legal, it dosent have to have been written up by lawyers but it does show that the father is interested as he does have time with his child. you say he changes it a times to suit him but he still appears to see his child weekly. you also say that he could ask to have the child for extra hours or nights but has either you or your partner mentioned that to him??? how is he meant to know that you would both be willing?
Seems to be serous lack of actual communication between the mum and the dad of the child, if you can be friendly and easy going with the dad and offer him extra time to see his child then if the worst happened to your partner then he may be happy to agree to you having access to the child.
Access and maintenance payments are totally seperate but if your partner gets maintenance for the child, if you adopted him then this money would stop.
Any relationship with the absent partner is generally encouraged (unless it is unhealthy and dangerous). The fact that he cheated on your partner while she was pregnant will be of no interest to a judge as they will only be interested in the father and child relationship.
You may act like a dad to this child but you are not the childs dad, you cant take that place. You can be a friend and a step dad and may even be called "dad", enjoy, cherish and value that but the child needs a relationship with you and their dad as well as thier mum
When you and your partner marry, you still have no rights to the child.
You could ask about adopting the child but as the father does actually see the child Id doubt he would agree.
you have said a number of times that the parent and child arrangement was set up by the mum and dad and nothing legal, it dosent have to have been written up by lawyers but it does show that the father is interested as he does have time with his child. you say he changes it a times to suit him but he still appears to see his child weekly. you also say that he could ask to have the child for extra hours or nights but has either you or your partner mentioned that to him??? how is he meant to know that you would both be willing?
Seems to be serous lack of actual communication between the mum and the dad of the child, if you can be friendly and easy going with the dad and offer him extra time to see his child then if the worst happened to your partner then he may be happy to agree to you having access to the child.
Access and maintenance payments are totally seperate but if your partner gets maintenance for the child, if you adopted him then this money would stop.
Any relationship with the absent partner is generally encouraged (unless it is unhealthy and dangerous). The fact that he cheated on your partner while she was pregnant will be of no interest to a judge as they will only be interested in the father and child relationship.
You may act like a dad to this child but you are not the childs dad, you cant take that place. You can be a friend and a step dad and may even be called "dad", enjoy, cherish and value that but the child needs a relationship with you and their dad as well as thier mum
Cas_P, thank-you for saying all I wanted to in response to the OP. I'm a dad of a nearly 6-year old who's Mother left me when he was 9 months old (we were married). If someone took the attitude of the OP towards custody of my child should something happen to him I'd go radio rental.
Us absent Fathers are painted in a bad light all too often and tarred with the same brush of those dads who really don't care. Many of us do and for another man to take the place of us in our Childs life is unthinkable.
OP, stop polishing your halo and give some consideration to the REAL father of your wifes to be Son.
Us absent Fathers are painted in a bad light all too often and tarred with the same brush of those dads who really don't care. Many of us do and for another man to take the place of us in our Childs life is unthinkable.
OP, stop polishing your halo and give some consideration to the REAL father of your wifes to be Son.
Fun Bus said:
Cas_P, thank-you for saying all I wanted to in response to the OP. I'm a dad of a nearly 6-year old who's Mother left me when he was 9 months old (we were married). If someone took the attitude of the OP towards custody of my child should something happen to him I'd go radio rental.
Us absent Fathers are painted in a bad light all too often and tarred with the same brush of those dads who really don't care. Many of us do and for another man to take the place of us in our Childs life is unthinkable.
OP, stop polishing your halo and give some consideration to the REAL father of your wifes to be Son.
Whoa hang on. Us absent Fathers are painted in a bad light all too often and tarred with the same brush of those dads who really don't care. Many of us do and for another man to take the place of us in our Childs life is unthinkable.
OP, stop polishing your halo and give some consideration to the REAL father of your wifes to be Son.
Just because you're a good father does that mean all biological fathers are?
Because he slepy with my missus 5 years ago does that automatically make him a REAL father?
I'm not taking any "attitude" at all towards the custody of the child. I'm asking would I have any right to keep what I see as my son.
Christ, I thought I was doing something positive here. All I'm trying to ascertain is whether I have any rights because I'm frightened to death of losing my boy if I lose my wife.
No one is saying you are not doing the rit thing. You just seem to have it in your mind that your rights as a loving 'step father' are above that of the biological father. It doesn't matter if their relationship broke apart, or that they do not get on. The simple fact is that the father IS involved in the Childs life, and as such, he has more right than you do as a parent. You don't like it, we get it, but it doesn't sound like the guy is an abscent fatherly, or doesn't give a f
k. The sooner you realize that, the better.
k. The sooner you realize that, the better. SC7 said:
Fun Bus said:
Cas_P, thank-you for saying all I wanted to in response to the OP. I'm a dad of a nearly 6-year old who's Mother left me when he was 9 months old (we were married). If someone took the attitude of the OP towards custody of my child should something happen to him I'd go radio rental.
Us absent Fathers are painted in a bad light all too often and tarred with the same brush of those dads who really don't care. Many of us do and for another man to take the place of us in our Childs life is unthinkable.
OP, stop polishing your halo and give some consideration to the REAL father of your wifes to be Son.
Whoa hang on. Us absent Fathers are painted in a bad light all too often and tarred with the same brush of those dads who really don't care. Many of us do and for another man to take the place of us in our Childs life is unthinkable.
OP, stop polishing your halo and give some consideration to the REAL father of your wifes to be Son.
Just because you're a good father does that mean all biological fathers are?
Because he slepy with my missus 5 years ago does that automatically make him a REAL father?
I'm not taking any "attitude" at all towards the custody of the child. I'm asking would I have any right to keep what I see as my son.
Christ, I thought I was doing something positive here. All I'm trying to ascertain is whether I have any rights because I'm frightened to death of losing my boy if I lose my wife.
You're not really seeing the point here, are you. You think you're doing something positive by trying to ascertain whether you can take a child away from his father if his mother dies? I think you should be given access, but I by no means think you should be given custody when his real father plays a part in his life, and it's completely unfair to expect that.
Edited by Cas_P on Sunday 17th October 00:36
Blue Meanie said:
No one is saying you are not doing the rit thing. You just seem to have it in your mind that your rights as a loving 'step father' are above that of the biological father. It doesn't matter if their relationship broke apart, or that they do not get on. The simple fact is that the father IS involved in the Childs life, and as such, he has more right than you do as a parent. You don't like it, we get it, but it doesn't sound like the guy is an abscent fatherly, or doesn't give a fk. The sooner you realize that, the better.
No, what I asked is whether I would be presented with an opportunity to take on the child legally should anything happen to his mother.k. The sooner you realize that, the better. He lives here with us now. Surely he should be at least given the opportunity to live the same life if anything were to happen to his Mum.
Also, for what it's worth, he pays sweet FA in child support, despite having a good job.
SC7 said:
Blue Meanie said:
No one is saying you are not doing the rit thing. You just seem to have it in your mind that your rights as a loving 'step father' are above that of the biological father. It doesn't matter if their relationship broke apart, or that they do not get on. The simple fact is that the father IS involved in the Childs life, and as such, he has more right than you do as a parent. You don't like it, we get it, but it doesn't sound like the guy is an abscent fatherly, or doesn't give a fk. The sooner you realize that, the better.
No, what I asked is whether I would be presented with an opportunity to take on the child legally should anything happen to his mother.k. The sooner you realize that, the better. He lives here with us now. Surely he should be at least given the opportunity to live the same life if anything were to happen to his Mum.
Also, for what it's worth, he pays sweet FA in child support, despite having a good job.
SC7 said:
Blue Meanie said:
No one is saying you are not doing the rit thing. You just seem to have it in your mind that your rights as a loving 'step father' are above that of the biological father. It doesn't matter if their relationship broke apart, or that they do not get on. The simple fact is that the father IS involved in the Childs life, and as such, he has more right than you do as a parent. You don't like it, we get it, but it doesn't sound like the guy is an abscent fatherly, or doesn't give a fk. The sooner you realize that, the better.
No, what I asked is whether I would be presented with an opportunity to take on the child legally should anything happen to his mother.k. The sooner you realize that, the better. .
Cas_P said:
You think you're doing something positive by trying to ascertain whether you can take a child away from his father if his mother dies?
No this is where YOU have it wrong. Edited by Cas_P on Sunday 17th October 00:36
I'm not trying to take anyone away from anyone. I'm asking if my "son" could at least have the opportunity to live the life he lives now, but without his mother.
I'd have absolutely no problem whatsoever in him spending time with his Dad. But I have him 'full-time' now, why should that change?
SC7 said:
Cas_P said:
You think you're doing something positive by trying to ascertain whether you can take a child away from his father if his mother dies?
No this is where YOU have it wrong. Edited by Cas_P on Sunday 17th October 00:36
I'm not trying to take anyone away from anyone. I'm asking if my "son" could at least have the opportunity to live the life he lives now, but without his mother.
I'd have absolutely no problem whatsoever in him spending time with his Dad. But I have him 'full-time' now, why should that change?
Edited by Cas_P on Sunday 17th October 00:45
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