Attention Toilet User! Rant

[Where2Guv]

Oh there is just some animal that uses the communal toilet block.

Moving offices in three weeks, so won't be a problem. Just needed to vent

It's had some positive comments from the other business' since it went up, so hopefully it will shame the phantom smearer

[clonmult]

Cub911 said:

Elwe's tale is truly horrifying.

OP - intro is too polite; 'Attention Toilet User'. It is clear they cannot use a toilet like a human being, so suggest you use 'To the Animal of Disgust that visits these facilities'.

Totally agree with that edit, considerably more appropriate.

Whats disturbing is that there's often the occasional person in the offices who seems to be incapable of performing the toilet process without either making a complete and utter bomb site of the lav, or who just makes way too much noise.

Its somewhat offputting (and quite nauseating) when there's someone in the stall next to you going "UNNNNHGGGGHHH, OOOOOHHHHHH, NNNNNGGGGG ... >plop<". Yes, they may well have given birth to several pounds of log that felt like it took an eternity to remove from its peaceful resting place, but please, STFU!

Its the same breed of bloke who goes down to the gym and makes similar noises (hopefully barring the >plop<) when moving a truly pathetic amount of weight.

[twister]

Mind you, sometimes it's not easy to do the right thing. There are 4 cubicles in the gents at work, three of which are quite simply the most useless flushers I've ever seen. Even a single sheet of loo roll is enough to cause them problems, so heaven help you if you actually dare to deposit anything down the pan. But then, having attempted and failed to flush away the evidence with the first pull on the handle, you're then left facing a cistern refill time of at least 5 minutes before a second attempt is possible.

To make matters worse, the cisterns are hidden away behind the wall so you can't hear the water flowing into them, and unlike some cisterns where you can feel where the water level is by slowly moving the handle until it starts to push back, these ones give you no feedback at all. So, you're left playing refill roulette - how long are you prepared to hang around in the cubicle before reaching for the handle and trying another flush... remember, if you judge incorrectly, you'll empty the cistern and put yourself right back at square one.

Still, once you've maqnaged to dispose of your business, at least there's always soap and towels in the dispensers, and hot water from the tap - not something that could always be said about the place I worked before this.

[cazzer]

In the same vein...what is it with modern cisterns taking three weeks to refil?
Its not like it uses any less water.
They refil at a dribble these days, its no good when you have a turd with an agenda to get shut of.

[Daniel1]

during an induction for a large building site we were obviously told the location of all the sites toilets and that the previous week they had had to remove a partition wall due to a deposit. Likewise ive heard stories of a roofer who allways used to leave presents for people in the chimneys.

The worst personal experience is going into some services on the motorway and discovering liquid poo literally 6 feet up the wall like it had been sprayed.

[minimatt1967]

There has been a lot of toilet chat on PH today, very odd, but very very entertaining!!

[miniman]

We seem to have been relieved (see what I did there) of the issues caused by "The OCD Logger" who, until recently, was responsible for putting trap 2 out of action every morning at around 10. Our aural spies detected the careful layering of some 7 miles of bog roll over the seat, prior to the dropping off of the kids, followed by another 3 miles of paper, then the attempted dispatch of the whole lot out to the English Channel. Sadly, faced with enough tissue to clean up after a boarding school full of adolescent boys, said khazi would wave the white (brown?) flag after the third flush, leaving the unfortunate cleaner to have at it with a bog brush. Or a pressure washer, whichever was most readily to hand.

[Fatman2]

Jeez, try sharing a floor with about 100 guys to 6 traps. Fook me there are some sick mofo's about. I honestly think some of the disgusting fecks take great pleasure in spraying and blocking up as many cubicles as they can in a day.

I eat a relatively healthy diet but some guys must just eat vindaloo for breakfast, lunch and dinner for all the noise and bloody stench.

Worst thing I ever did was to take a call from a dealer whilst sat waiting for my guts to do the biz. I'd was just about to tell her I'd call back when some bd next door let fking rip (on purpose I bet). Being a toilet the noise echoed round the cubicle and to top it off the saleswoman said, before I had the chance, "shall I call you later love?"

Never did buy the car, which was a shame as it was a cracker

[mattmoxon]

Yep we have similar issues, sometimes you walk into a cubicle and it has been decimated, I mean if you have proper explosive diarrhoea or bowel issues then there can be reasoning but seriously how do you get st all over the bit at the top where the flush water comes out???

[alfa pint]

Some come here to sit and think.
Some come here to st and stink.
But I come here to tickle my balls
and read the writing on the walls.

[Ayahuasca]

Apparently some dirty bds squat on the rim, which must increase the blast radius by an order of magnitude.

[Where2Guv]

Ayahuasca said:

Apparently some dirty bds squat on the rim, which must increase the blast radius by an order of magnitude.

What the fk?

[captainmatt]

We had a phantom stter at school. Every so often, a different toilet would be "had" - the "calling card" so to speak was taking a massive st in the pan, but leaving a small nugget just on the seat, and then causing as much destruction as possible.

The most extreme attack of the "poo bandit" as he was known was when a model from one of the art rooms (holding its arms aloft) was stolen, placed on the floor, then the mother of all logs laid out into its arms, before the usual decimation taken to an all new level.

fking disgusting, but very amusing not only for the accusations ("I hear you're the poo bandit" when you are losing an argument for example) but also because of some of the names we came up with:

The aforementioend phantom stter and poo bandit
Brad stt
Adolf stler

I think there were others... but none I can recall. I wish it was the memories of the stter that I forgot though, christ...

Edited by captainmatt on Thursday 25th November 22:19

[Google [bot]]

[wildoliver]

Well my toilets are reminiscent of public school toilets from the 80's (I speak from experience) think outside building, concrete floor that fetching shade of browny grey and misery painted walls. All topped off with government issue toilets and basins.

So unpleasant as nature has made them already we have our fair share of animals using them, thus meaning the traps are avoided at all costs, the urinals are only used in desperation and without painting too vivid an image on tiptoe.

So why oh why does one or more members of staff use the urinal while how can I put this? "Mining for nose gold", they then flick the said bogey at the wall in front of the urinal. We now have a fetching "bogey wall" which must look great to business visitors!

[Vidal Baboon]

captainmatt said:

We had a phantom stter at school. Every so often, a different toilet would be "had" - the "calling card" so to speak was taking a massive st in the pan, but leaving a small nugget just on the seat, and then causing as much destruction as possible.

The most extreme attack of the "poo bandit" as he was known was when a model from one of the art rooms (holding its arms aloft) was stolen, placed on the floor, then the mother of all logs laid out into its arms, before the usual decimation taken to an all new level.

fking disgusting, but very amusing not only for the accusations ("I hear you're the poo bandit" when you are losing an argument for example) but also because of some of the names we came up with:

The aforementioend phantom stter and poo bandit
Brad stt
Adolf stler

I think there were others... but none I can recall. I wish it was the memories of the stter that I forgot though, christ...

Edited by captainmatt on Thursday 25th November 22:19

i'm crying with laughter

[captainmatt]

Vidal Baboon said:

captainmatt said:

We had a phantom stter at school. Every so often, a different toilet would be "had" - the "calling card" so to speak was taking a massive st in the pan, but leaving a small nugget just on the seat, and then causing as much destruction as possible.

The most extreme attack of the "poo bandit" as he was known was when a model from one of the art rooms (holding its arms aloft) was stolen, placed on the floor, then the mother of all logs laid out into its arms, before the usual decimation taken to an all new level.

fking disgusting, but very amusing not only for the accusations ("I hear you're the poo bandit" when you are losing an argument for example) but also because of some of the names we came up with:

The aforementioend phantom stter and poo bandit
Brad stt
Adolf stler

I think there were others... but none I can recall. I wish it was the memories of the stter that I forgot though, christ...

Edited by captainmatt on Thursday 25th November 22:19

i'm crying with laughter

They closed that toilet after that major incident as well. Not a wise move, just pushed the legend on in the style of Jack the Ripper.

And I think we had a name based on him as well...

[maniac0796]

Vidal Baboon said:

captainmatt said:

We had a phantom stter at school. Every so often, a different toilet would be "had" - the "calling card" so to speak was taking a massive st in the pan, but leaving a small nugget just on the seat, and then causing as much destruction as possible.

The most extreme attack of the "poo bandit" as he was known was when a model from one of the art rooms (holding its arms aloft) was stolen, placed on the floor, then the mother of all logs laid out into its arms, before the usual decimation taken to an all new level.

fking disgusting, but very amusing not only for the accusations ("I hear you're the poo bandit" when you are losing an argument for example) but also because of some of the names we came up with:

The aforementioend phantom stter and poo bandit
Brad stt
Adolf stler

I think there were others... but none I can recall. I wish it was the memories of the stter that I forgot though, christ...

Edited by captainmatt on Thursday 25th November 22:19

i'm crying with laughter

Same. I actually thumped my fist on the desk in laughter.

[matchmaker]

My OH works as a housekeeper at a holiday self-catering complex. Her comments:

1. Towels are provided for drying hands
2. Arsewipes are provided for cleaning st off arse. Please do NOT confuse with 1 above

Dirty s. Would they do this at home?

Edited by matchmaker on Thursday 25th November 22:46

[ben10]

We had a phantom stter at our school, but instead of giving said stter a name, we just names the st. Rather like Mr Hankey the Christmas poo in south park...We had Trevor the 6th form poo!

The lad wasn't even doing it intentionally either, the bd just didn't want to go down the pipe at any cost...perhaps the soil stack wasn't wide enough...

It too about a week for get it to finally give in and actually flush down and then about a day later the tt would go and lay another one!