Has anyone used a private detective?
Discussion
I read the first few pages of this thread (as directed by a poster in my thread of a similar theme). It sounded just like my current living nightmare. So I flipped to the last few pages to read my future. It's not what I wanted to read to be honest. I am definitely still in denial stage and I still want to fight to make my marriage work. However, ABD's opening couple of 'chapters' in this thread are just so similar I feel my path ahead is likely to follow suit.
I really really do not want to see my three lovely innocent children go through the trauma of their parents splitting. I just do not understand how my wife can not feel the same way.
I've got to say, this thread has been tough to read for me.
I really really do not want to see my three lovely innocent children go through the trauma of their parents splitting. I just do not understand how my wife can not feel the same way.
I've got to say, this thread has been tough to read for me.
Sym7 said:
I read the first few pages of this thread (as directed by a poster in my thread of a similar theme). It sounded just like my current living nightmare. So I flipped to the last few pages to read my future. It's not what I wanted to read to be honest. I am definitely still in denial stage and I still want to fight to make my marriage work. However, ABD's opening couple of 'chapters' in this thread are just so similar I feel my path ahead is likely to follow suit.
I really really do not want to see my three lovely innocent children go through the trauma of their parents splitting. I just do not understand how my wife can not feel the same way.
I've got to say, this thread has been tough to read for me.
As has been said on your thread. Only you know exactly how you're feeling. You need to have a proper heart to heart with your missus, and try and get everything out in the open. It may not be what you wanna hear, but at least one way or the other you can start to act on it. I don't think I actually told you to do anything, its difficult to give advice to a total stranger.I really really do not want to see my three lovely innocent children go through the trauma of their parents splitting. I just do not understand how my wife can not feel the same way.
I've got to say, this thread has been tough to read for me.
Your relationship may still be salvagable and I know exactly how you feel about the denial stage. Its incredibly difficult to accept and let go of someone whom you experienced so much with and invested so much of your in.
Good luck
As has been said (and no doubt far more eloquently than I could ever manage) stick to your guns. Sure the kids are hurting but they'll come to terms with it in time. When they're a little older they'll understand that you weren't happy and understand that it was better to be apart and happier than together and bottling it all inside 'for the children'.
I've noticed a few other posts like this popping up in the past few days. Perhaps we should start a counselling service?
I've noticed a few other posts like this popping up in the past few days. Perhaps we should start a counselling service?
Thanks again for all the comments (and sorry for my absence, I was recovering from being slapped in the face with a wet fish - not a euphemism, sadly 
). It looks like it was an interesting evening! Everyone is entitled to their opinion of course - not much I can do about that. I've got plenty of other reasons to lose sleep .
The thread has definitely evolved from "is there something going on?" to "this is what it's like to go through this". It's for that reason that I'd like to keep it going - quite a few people in similar situations have used it was a reference point, both in terms of advice from others and potential outcomes.
One of the comments did strike a chord though - I've noticed that my mood is often quite "sterile" lately. I've always been quite playful and I seem to have lost a bit of the fun in my life. Perhaps not surprising, but I'll have to do something about that.
Sym7 - really sorry to hear about your situation. While it does look like you are in the same boat as me, one of the things I am glad I did was make absolutely sure of the situation before I took any action and it's one of the things I'm really glad I did (and many thanks once again to several PHers who actively helped me on that front). I feel for you, best of luck.
). It looks like it was an interesting evening! Everyone is entitled to their opinion of course - not much I can do about that. I've got plenty of other reasons to lose sleep . The thread has definitely evolved from "is there something going on?" to "this is what it's like to go through this". It's for that reason that I'd like to keep it going - quite a few people in similar situations have used it was a reference point, both in terms of advice from others and potential outcomes.
One of the comments did strike a chord though - I've noticed that my mood is often quite "sterile" lately. I've always been quite playful and I seem to have lost a bit of the fun in my life. Perhaps not surprising, but I'll have to do something about that.
Sym7 - really sorry to hear about your situation. While it does look like you are in the same boat as me, one of the things I am glad I did was make absolutely sure of the situation before I took any action and it's one of the things I'm really glad I did (and many thanks once again to several PHers who actively helped me on that front). I feel for you, best of luck.
Edited by A bit down on Thursday 25th April 07:34
A bit down said:
I've noticed that my mood is often quite "sterile" lately. I've always been quite playful and I seem to have lost a bit of the fun in my life.
FYI - I went through this during, and for at least 6-12 months after, my divorce. I think you shut down emotionally. You do recover though and get back to your old self 
garyhun said:
FYI - I went through this during, and for at least 6-12 months after, my divorce. I think you shut down emotionally. You do recover though and get back to your old self
Indeed. It's called 'recovery' and it's the most normal thing in the word post emotional trauma. It's the human equivalent of the wounded animal licking it's wounds somewhere quiet and alone. Think no more of it than that, but give it the space and the respect due to acknowledge that it's a process that cannot be rushed... but at the same time, musn't be allowed to become the new pattern in your life. i.e. recognise the trauma that you have been through and afford your mind the time to recover. It will.garyhun said:
A bit down said:
I've noticed that my mood is often quite "sterile" lately. I've always been quite playful and I seem to have lost a bit of the fun in my life.
FYI - I went through this during, and for at least 6-12 months after, my divorce. I think you shut down emotionally. You do recover though and get back to your old self Sorry for the delay, I've been away but thank you for asking.
Life ticks by really. The children have ups and downs - they can go for several weeks as if nothing is wrong and then they go through small phases of "why did you break up?". They have handled the whole thing brilliantly overall and I'm really proud of them.
X had a bit of a health scare a few weeks ago which led to her freaking out in the middle of the night and me having to go and collect the children at 2am which wasn't helpful. I'm also a bit worried that her overall "victim" mentality is rubbing off on the children and I'm having to work hard to keep them seeing the world in a positive light. I'll win that one though :-).
I've been out a couple of times on "dates" but the way people behave around this stuff just confuses the life out of me. Just being open, honest and straightforward appears to have gone out of the window. Also (says he after creating a giant "all about me" thread...), the women I have been out with seem incredibly self-obsessed (although to be fair this applies to a lot of new people I meet in any context of either sex). My natural way of creating rapport with strangers is to ask them a lot about themselves and let them talk, but I haven't had to do much probing so far :-).
I suppose almost a year on (how fast has that gone?) my summary would be that I'm just getting on with my life, doing the best I can by the children and trying to anticipate unpredictable behaviour from X. There are definitely times when I feel lonely but that's par for the course. Part of me still mourns the past and part is excited about the future. It will be very interesting to see how the next year goes - I'll keep you informed :-).
Life ticks by really. The children have ups and downs - they can go for several weeks as if nothing is wrong and then they go through small phases of "why did you break up?". They have handled the whole thing brilliantly overall and I'm really proud of them.
X had a bit of a health scare a few weeks ago which led to her freaking out in the middle of the night and me having to go and collect the children at 2am which wasn't helpful. I'm also a bit worried that her overall "victim" mentality is rubbing off on the children and I'm having to work hard to keep them seeing the world in a positive light. I'll win that one though :-).
I've been out a couple of times on "dates" but the way people behave around this stuff just confuses the life out of me. Just being open, honest and straightforward appears to have gone out of the window. Also (says he after creating a giant "all about me" thread...), the women I have been out with seem incredibly self-obsessed (although to be fair this applies to a lot of new people I meet in any context of either sex). My natural way of creating rapport with strangers is to ask them a lot about themselves and let them talk, but I haven't had to do much probing so far :-).
I suppose almost a year on (how fast has that gone?) my summary would be that I'm just getting on with my life, doing the best I can by the children and trying to anticipate unpredictable behaviour from X. There are definitely times when I feel lonely but that's par for the course. Part of me still mourns the past and part is excited about the future. It will be very interesting to see how the next year goes - I'll keep you informed :-).
Edited by A bit down on Sunday 14th July 12:54
Transmat said:
The whole self obsessed thing and constant talking about themselves can be a red herring. Sometimes it's a sign of nerves and they just want to appear interesting to try and impress you.
Women are from mars and men are from Venus etc.
This seems like a fair point, thanks. It's also easier for me to just be quiet and let them talk :-). I've edited my last post, because it isn't just women - I meet quite a few people professionally and it seems like people are becoming more selfish in general. Perhaps I just bring out the worst in people - I certainly have in the last year :-).Women are from mars and men are from Venus etc.
Top man. Just keep going mate, you sound like you're doing OK. If it weren't for the kids, I reckon you'd be thinking "I can't believe that was ever my life" whenever you think of her now.
It's important that she doesn't drag the kids down with her, so I'm glad you're doing what you can to counter her victim mentality. At some point she is going to have to accept that everything that's happened has been by her own hand. It's not life that has it in for her etc. else she will never ever progress, but at the end of the day that's really not your problem.
I'm sure you'll meet a decent woman when the time is right. It seems to be very fashionable in some women's eyes to have a bloke run around after them, and for everything to be about them. Your life together would also have to meet certain standards as people on the outside looking in would have to be impressed etc.
Avoid these types.
All the best
It's important that she doesn't drag the kids down with her, so I'm glad you're doing what you can to counter her victim mentality. At some point she is going to have to accept that everything that's happened has been by her own hand. It's not life that has it in for her etc. else she will never ever progress, but at the end of the day that's really not your problem.
I'm sure you'll meet a decent woman when the time is right. It seems to be very fashionable in some women's eyes to have a bloke run around after them, and for everything to be about them. Your life together would also have to meet certain standards as people on the outside looking in would have to be impressed etc.
Avoid these types.
All the best
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