Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 8)
Discussion
GOG440 said:
Edward was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living.
All the typical answers came out, Fireman, Policeman, Salesman, Chippy, Captain of Industry etc. but Edward was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.
'My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him.'
The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Edward aside to ask him if that was really true.
'No' said Edward, 'He plays football for England, but I was just too embarrassed to say'.
Er, nobody plays football for England for a living.All the typical answers came out, Fireman, Policeman, Salesman, Chippy, Captain of Industry etc. but Edward was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.
'My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him.'
The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Edward aside to ask him if that was really true.
'No' said Edward, 'He plays football for England, but I was just too embarrassed to say'.
Ayahuasca said:
GOG440 said:
Edward was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living.
All the typical answers came out, Fireman, Policeman, Salesman, Chippy, Captain of Industry etc. but Edward was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.
'My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him.'
The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Edward aside to ask him if that was really true.
'No' said Edward, 'He plays football for England, but I was just too embarrassed to say'.
Er, nobody plays football for England for a living.All the typical answers came out, Fireman, Policeman, Salesman, Chippy, Captain of Industry etc. but Edward was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.
'My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him.'
The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Edward aside to ask him if that was really true.
'No' said Edward, 'He plays football for England, but I was just too embarrassed to say'.
Ken and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year, and every year Ken would say, 'Edna, I'd like to ride in that helicopter'.
Edna always replied, 'I know Ken, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'.
One year Ken and Edna went to the fair, and Ken said, 'Edna, I'm 75 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance'.
To this, Edna replied, "Ken that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'.
The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'
Ken and Edna agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.
He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word...
When they landed, the pilot turned to Ken and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'
Ken replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Edna fell out but, you know, "Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!'
Edna always replied, 'I know Ken, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'.
One year Ken and Edna went to the fair, and Ken said, 'Edna, I'm 75 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance'.
To this, Edna replied, "Ken that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'.
The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'
Ken and Edna agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.
He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word...
When they landed, the pilot turned to Ken and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'
Ken replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Edna fell out but, you know, "Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!'
An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey, and the old man walked.
As they went along they passed some people who remarked “What a shame, the old man is walking, the boy is riding.” The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.
Later they passed some people who remarked “What a shame, he makes that little boy walk”. So they decided they’d both walk.
Soon they passed some more people who remarked “They’re really stupid to walk when they have a decent donkey to ride.” So they both decided to ride the donkey.
They passed some people who shamed them by saying “How awful to put such a load on a poor donkey.” The boy and the man figured they were probably right, so they decide to carry the donkey.
As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the donkey, the donkey fell into the river and drowned.
The moral of the story: If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass goodbye.
On morals......
An Eskimo made kayaks for a living, and always tested them out before he sold them. One downside was it was bloody cold and he feet were always freezing.
He bought a small oil heater to put in the kayak to keep his feet warm.
During one test the heater fell over and the kayak caught on fire.
It burnt to a cinder, and the Eskimo drowned.
The moral is "You can't have your kayak and heat it"
An Eskimo made kayaks for a living, and always tested them out before he sold them. One downside was it was bloody cold and he feet were always freezing.
He bought a small oil heater to put in the kayak to keep his feet warm.
During one test the heater fell over and the kayak caught on fire.
It burnt to a cinder, and the Eskimo drowned.
The moral is "You can't have your kayak and heat it"
The Planes Indians practiced polygamy, and one chief had three squaws.
The first squaw lived in a teepee of elk hide, the second in a teepee
made of buffalo hide, and the youngest in a teepee of hippopotamus hide.
Then he slept with each wife on the eve of his great hunting trip.
He was gone nine moons and when he returned, he went into the elk hide
teepee and found that his wife had borne him a son. Likewise, in the
buffalo hide teepee, that squaw, too, had borne him a son. So, imagine
his surprise when he found twin baby boys in the hippopotamus hide
teepee.
This just proves that …
The squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws of the other two hides.
The first squaw lived in a teepee of elk hide, the second in a teepee
made of buffalo hide, and the youngest in a teepee of hippopotamus hide.
Then he slept with each wife on the eve of his great hunting trip.
He was gone nine moons and when he returned, he went into the elk hide
teepee and found that his wife had borne him a son. Likewise, in the
buffalo hide teepee, that squaw, too, had borne him a son. So, imagine
his surprise when he found twin baby boys in the hippopotamus hide
teepee.
This just proves that …
The squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws of the other two hides.
Alex said:
The Planes Indians practiced polygamy, and one chief had three squaws.
The first squaw lived in a teepee of elk hide, the second in a teepee
made of buffalo hide, and the youngest in a teepee of hippopotamus hide.
Then he slept with each wife on the eve of his great hunting trip.
He was gone nine moons and when he returned, he went into the elk hide
teepee and found that his wife had borne him a son. Likewise, in the
buffalo hide teepee, that squaw, too, had borne him a son. So, imagine
his surprise when he found twin baby boys in the hippopotamus hide
teepee.
This just proves that …
The squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws of the other two hides.
Love it! Hahaha.The first squaw lived in a teepee of elk hide, the second in a teepee
made of buffalo hide, and the youngest in a teepee of hippopotamus hide.
Then he slept with each wife on the eve of his great hunting trip.
He was gone nine moons and when he returned, he went into the elk hide
teepee and found that his wife had borne him a son. Likewise, in the
buffalo hide teepee, that squaw, too, had borne him a son. So, imagine
his surprise when he found twin baby boys in the hippopotamus hide
teepee.
This just proves that …
The squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws of the other two hides.
Fluffsri said:
Alex said:
The Planes Indians practiced polygamy, and one chief had three squaws.
The first squaw lived in a teepee of elk hide, the second in a teepee
made of buffalo hide, and the youngest in a teepee of hippopotamus hide.
Then he slept with each wife on the eve of his great hunting trip.
He was gone nine moons and when he returned, he went into the elk hide
teepee and found that his wife had borne him a son. Likewise, in the
buffalo hide teepee, that squaw, too, had borne him a son. So, imagine
his surprise when he found twin baby boys in the hippopotamus hide
teepee.
This just proves that …
The squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws of the other two hides.
Love it! Hahaha.The first squaw lived in a teepee of elk hide, the second in a teepee
made of buffalo hide, and the youngest in a teepee of hippopotamus hide.
Then he slept with each wife on the eve of his great hunting trip.
He was gone nine moons and when he returned, he went into the elk hide
teepee and found that his wife had borne him a son. Likewise, in the
buffalo hide teepee, that squaw, too, had borne him a son. So, imagine
his surprise when he found twin baby boys in the hippopotamus hide
teepee.
This just proves that …
The squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws of the other two hides.
k me, a new joke! A primary school teacher on the first day of a new term;
'Ok children, what did you do over the holiday?'
Annie: 'We went out in Daddy's brum brum'
'Oh dear Annie, it's not a brum brum. It's a car. Ok?'
Paul: 'We went to a farm & saw some moo moos'
'Paul, they're not moo moos. They're cows. Ok? And what about you, Tom?'
Tom: 'Not a lot really Miss, stayed in the flat most of the time watching Winnie The st DVD's'
'Ok children, what did you do over the holiday?'
Annie: 'We went out in Daddy's brum brum'
'Oh dear Annie, it's not a brum brum. It's a car. Ok?'
Paul: 'We went to a farm & saw some moo moos'
'Paul, they're not moo moos. They're cows. Ok? And what about you, Tom?'
Tom: 'Not a lot really Miss, stayed in the flat most of the time watching Winnie The s
t DVD's'
The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the M4 near Bridgend recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the ...bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars.
The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"
The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"
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