Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 8)

[vx220]

sparkythecat said:

Told this one to my sister-in-law, last time it cropped up on here. Despite my brother-in-law sitting in her site shaking his head, she fell for it right through to the bitter end, and was completely oblivious to a room full of people waiting for her to catch up.

[iwantagta]

I went for an interview as a blacksmith yesterday.

He said "Have you ever shoed a horse"

I said "No, but i told a donkey to fk off once"

[Piersman2]

vx220 said:

sparkythecat said:

Told this one to my sister-in-law, last time it cropped up on here. Despite my brother-in-law sitting in her site shaking his head, she fell for it right through to the bitter end, and was completely oblivious to a room full of people waiting for her to catch up.

Just got my 17 son with this, hook line and sinker, right the way through to 'cah' before he realised it wasn't for real!

[bridgland]

An elderly couple are having issues remembering things and decide to go on a memory course.

The course was really impactful for them and taught them how to remember things through simple image association. As an Introduction to the session, the trainer gave them an example. "How never to forget the capital of Mississippi being Jackson. Just imagine Michael Jackson doing his moonwalk backwards down the winding Mississippi River". The rest of the day continued in the same way with more and more challenging things to remember, becoming more and more easy to do.

Around a week later, the elderly man was in his front garden tending to the plants, when his neighbour called over to him and asked him how the course went.

"It was remarkable. It has really changed our lives", said the old man.
"What was the chap's name who ran the course?" Asked the neighbour.
For a moment, the elderly man seemed to go blank, then he suddenly piped up. "Hold on. I've got it. A flower.......red petals......long green stem......thorns along the stem"
"Rose?" the neighbour suggested.
"That's it!" The old man excitedly said. He turned towards the house and shouted "Rose! What was the name of that fella from last week?"

[Pints]

bridgland said:

An elderly couple

[Laurel Green]

Pints said:

bridgland said:

An elderly couple

Have another

[gazapc]

Piersman2 said:

vx220 said:

sparkythecat said:

Told this one to my sister-in-law, last time it cropped up on here. Despite my brother-in-law sitting in her site shaking his head, she fell for it right through to the bitter end, and was completely oblivious to a room full of people waiting for her to catch up.

Just got my 17 son with this, hook line and sinker, right the way through to 'cah' before he realised it wasn't for real!

Snap. Just got my girlfriend. She is a zoologist so was actually vaguely interested in the behavioural effects. Even had an 'aww sad' at first hearing 200 crows had been found dead.

[K12beano]

I told my psychiatrist that I've been hearing voices.





...





...






He told me that I don't have a psychiatrist .....

[littleowl]

Watching the France - Portugal Euro 2016 final here.

And I don't know whether it's the floodlights or what, but I've never seen so many moths inside a football ground.
Apart that is a few years back when the Sheffield Utd chairman opened his wallet.

(Yes. You can pinch it & edit the team as you fit).

[kowalski655]

Based on statistics, the most common sexual position amongst married couples is Doggy Style. This is where the husband sits and begs, whilst the wife rolls over and plays dead_
_-----------
A beautiful woman loved gardening, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day while taking a stroll she came upon a neighbour who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes. The woman asked the gentleman,
"What do you do to get your tomatoes red?" The gentlemen responded,
"Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato plants and flop my willy out, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much." The woman was so impressed, she decided to try the same idea with her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her muff and tits to her garden hoping for the best. One day the gentlemen was passing by and asked the woman,
"By the way, how did things go? Did your tomatoes turn red?"
"No" she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous

---

What do puppies and gynaecologists have in common?
Wet noses

Edited by kowalski655 on Sunday 10th July 22:28

[K12beano]

We don't seem to have many OLD jokes on here, so here's a vintage one. In fact it may be so veteran that all the players are dead and buried long ago........


So the supply teacher was in and teaching a new-to-her class.

Noticing a large number of empty desks she started out a little apprehensively by calling the register.

So, sure enough, she gets to just the second name, Ben and little Ben is not there..... but lo and behold the door bursts open and a little boy rushes in. He's a bit flushed and "Sorry, Miss".

"Well, what's your name?" she asks patiently.

"I'm Ben, Miss"

"Ah, well OK - but you seem to be a little late?"

"Yes, Miss. Sorry, Miss. I've been up Cherry Lane."


"Well, OK this time Ben, but don't let it happen again."

And with that she resumes at the register.... only to be interrupted straight away by another burst of the door and....

"Sorry I'm late, Miss" comes the cry from a slightly red-faced little boy

"And who are you?" enquires the teacher.

"I'm Keith."

"And where have you been, to be late for your class?" says the teacher slightly disapproving look creeping into her eye

"Sorry Miss. Just been up Cherry Lane, Miss" mumbles little Keith

"OK. Well go and sit........" starts the teacher before being interrupted with another burst at the door and a little boy is panting and quite agitated.

"Well!? You're a little late, Young Man?"

"Sorry Miss. Won't happen again."

"And where have you been?"

"Hmm, Miss." he starts in a quiet voice. "Sorry Miss, I've been up Cherry Lane."

"I see. Well take your place." A slightly exasperated voice of the teacher starts to show feint disapproval.

"Now where was I?" She returns to the register, just about to read out the next name and ..... whoosh! the door bursts open yet again.

"Sorry if I'm late Miss!" cries out a sweet looking young girl with a bright and breezy smile

"Well this isn't really good enough" calls back the teacher with a rather stern expression and a twitching eyebrow. "Now, Young Lady, I presume you're going to tell me you've been up Cherry Lane???"

The little girl looks slightly confused, then replies.....








"No, Miss. I AM Cherry Lane"

[silverfoxcc]

K12,
you bugger i was typing that one out myself....

[K12beano]

silverfoxcc said:

K12,
you bugger i was typing that one out myself....

Don't know what sparked it in my memory apart from a dinner party last night where I was coming up with a few oldies.... Also had the "Peter ...I can see your house from here" one in my mental bag but have a strong memory from thirty (yes 30) years ago when a mate told it in the middle of a pub with a let-us-say "keen" Christian lady who took great exception!!!!! And the "Death. By Bongo" joke is a difficult one in mixed company....i find!??!!!!

[AW111]

Re Cherry Lane - when I heard it it was

"I've been throwing pebbles in the river"

Punchline is obvious.

[Evangelion]

Yes, you've got to be careful when you tell jokes in public. I was in the pub with a few mates recently and one of them was telling this joke, I'm sure you know it:

Q. What do you do if an epileptic has a fit in the bath?
A. You throw in your washing.

Then an old guy came over and ssid, "I'm sorry lads but I don't find that funny. My son was an epileptic and he died in the bath."
My friend said, "Oh, I'm really sorry. Was that just from a fit then?"
"No, said the man, "He choked on a sock."

[droopsnoot]

vx220 said:

sparkythecat said:

Told this one to my sister-in-law, last time it cropped up on here. Despite my brother-in-law sitting in her site shaking his head, she fell for it right through to the bitter end, and was completely oblivious to a room full of people waiting for her to catch up.

I must try this one in the pub, if I can keep a straight face long enough. I did catch someone out with the Zebra meat one:

During the foot and mouth crisis some years ago, there were government plans to start importing Zebra meat to replace the shortage of beef. This had a number of advantages, in that Zebra are very plentiful, not endangered so the cost can be kept down, the taste and texture of the meat is very similar to that of beef, and of course the supermarkets love it, because it's already bar-coded.

[omgus]

Evangelion said:

Yes, you've got to be careful when you tell jokes in public. I was in the pub with a few mates recently and one of them was telling this joke, I'm sure you know it:

Q. What do you do if an epileptic has a fit in the bath?
A. You throw in your washing.

Then an old guy came over and ssid, "I'm sorry lads but I don't find that funny. My son was an epileptic and he died in the bath."
My friend said, "Oh, I'm really sorry. Was that just from a fit then?"
"No, said the man, "He choked on a sock."

[Vipers]

Children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.

One of the nuns had put a note next to the apples, it said "Take only one, God is watching."

At the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. One of the boys wrote another note to leave by the cookies,

"Take all you want, Gods watching the apples."

[havoc]

AW111 said:

Re Cherry Lane - when I heard it it was

"I've been throwing pebbles in the river"

Punchline is obvious.

Then there's the ducks "in and out of puddles all day" joke...

...by the way, have we finished with the kittens now?!?

[Frimley111R]

omgus said:

Evangelion said:

Yes, you've got to be careful when you tell jokes in public. I was in the pub with a few mates recently and one of them was telling this joke, I'm sure you know it:

Q. What do you do if an epileptic has a fit in the bath?
A. You throw in your washing.

Then an old guy came over and ssid, "I'm sorry lads but I don't find that funny. My son was an epileptic and he died in the bath."
My friend said, "Oh, I'm really sorry. Was that just from a fit then?"
"No, said the man, "He choked on a sock."

How can you possibly not have heard that 100 times by now?? Its not like you're too young!