Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 8)
Discussion
A woman wants the inside of her house painted and she calls a contractor in to help her. They wander around the house, and she points out the colours she wants. She says, "Now, in the living room, I'd like to have a neutral beige, very soft and warm." The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he goes to the window, leans out and yells, "Green side up!"
The woman is most perplexed but she lets it slide. They wander into the next room. She says, "In the dining room I'd like a light white, not stark, but very bright and airy." The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he goes to the window, leans out, and yells "Green side up"! The woman is even more perplexed but still lets it slide.
They wander further into the next room. She says, "In the bedroom, I'd like blue. Restful, peaceful, cool blue." The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then once more he goes to the window, leans out and yells "Green side up"!
This is too much. The woman says, "Every time I tell you a colour, you write it down, but then you yell out the window 'Green side up.' What on earth does that mean?"
The contractor shakes his head and says, "I have four blondes laying turfs across the street."
The woman is most perplexed but she lets it slide. They wander into the next room. She says, "In the dining room I'd like a light white, not stark, but very bright and airy." The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he goes to the window, leans out, and yells "Green side up"! The woman is even more perplexed but still lets it slide.
They wander further into the next room. She says, "In the bedroom, I'd like blue. Restful, peaceful, cool blue." The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then once more he goes to the window, leans out and yells "Green side up"!
This is too much. The woman says, "Every time I tell you a colour, you write it down, but then you yell out the window 'Green side up.' What on earth does that mean?"
The contractor shakes his head and says, "I have four blondes laying turfs across the street."
There was a chap who was an absolute belter all the girls fancied him the sad news for him had an enormous schlong. It was so big, once seen,no girl would let him get near her with it.As a result he was still a virgin,and was bemoaning this fact to a good mate. Suddenly the mate said, 'Well if they dont see it, they wont get frightened, just get undressed in the dark and keep the light off at all costs.Tell her its a religious thing'
So he decided to try it and it all went well and up to the bedroom, where he turned the light out.The conversation went like this
Girl 'why have you put the light off?
Him 'Its my religion' Quickly getting undressed
G What do you mean?
H We have to have sex in the dark Getting into bed beside her
G Are you Hindu?
H No getting on leg over
G Sikh?
H 'No not that' getting ready to insert
G Do you believe in JEEEESSSUSSSS CHHHRRIISSST
G
So he decided to try it and it all went well and up to the bedroom, where he turned the light out.The conversation went like this
Girl 'why have you put the light off?
Him 'Its my religion' Quickly getting undressed
G What do you mean?
H We have to have sex in the dark Getting into bed beside her
G Are you Hindu?
H No getting on leg over
G Sikh?
H 'No not that' getting ready to insert
G Do you believe in JEEEESSSUSSSS CHHHRRIISSST
G
A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"
"What do you mean?" the pirate replies, "I'm fine."
The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," says the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the surgeon fixed me up, and I'm fine, really."
"Yeah," says the bartender, "But what about that hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands."
"Well," says the pirate, "We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the surgeon fixed me up with this hook, and I feel great, really."
"Oh," says the bartender, "What about that eye patch? Last time you were in here you had both eyes."
"Well," says the pirate, "One day when we were at sea, some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up, and one of them shat in my eye."
"So?" replied the bartender, "what happened? You couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird s
t!"
"Well," says the pirate, "I really wasn't used to the hook yet."
"What do you mean?" the pirate replies, "I'm fine."
The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," says the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the surgeon fixed me up, and I'm fine, really."
"Yeah," says the bartender, "But what about that hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands."
"Well," says the pirate, "We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the surgeon fixed me up with this hook, and I feel great, really."
"Oh," says the bartender, "What about that eye patch? Last time you were in here you had both eyes."
"Well," says the pirate, "One day when we were at sea, some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up, and one of them shat in my eye."
"So?" replied the bartender, "what happened? You couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird s
t!""Well," says the pirate, "I really wasn't used to the hook yet."
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