Sean Connery Joke (Vol 5)
Discussion
OlberJ said:
Boy appears at home one night at 3am, plastered drunk.
His wife is sat up in bed fuming as he stoats in the door with a pig under his arm.
"See this...? This is the cow i have to have sex with when you're not in the mood"
His wife scowls at him, "That's not a cow, it's a pig you moron!"
"....I was talking to the pig."
It's like Groundhog day every 10 posts...His wife is sat up in bed fuming as he stoats in the door with a pig under his arm.
"See this...? This is the cow i have to have sex with when you're not in the mood"
His wife scowls at him, "That's not a cow, it's a pig you moron!"
"....I was talking to the pig."
A girl calls her Mother,
''Mum I'm getting a divorce''.
'A Divorce? Why?' The mother asks, shocked.
''Mum all he wants is bum sex. I used to have a lovely little bumhole the size of a 5p piece. Now it's the size of a 50p piece''
The Mother says, 'Sweetie, you have a lovely home, a Porsche, a platinum credit card, villa in Marbella, kids in private school, and 6 holidays a year and you want to give all that up for the sake of 45p?'
''Mum I'm getting a divorce''.
'A Divorce? Why?' The mother asks, shocked.
''Mum all he wants is bum sex. I used to have a lovely little bumhole the size of a 5p piece. Now it's the size of a 50p piece''
The Mother says, 'Sweetie, you have a lovely home, a Porsche, a platinum credit card, villa in Marbella, kids in private school, and 6 holidays a year and you want to give all that up for the sake of 45p?'
The Pope comes to Glasgow and asks
"Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar.
With that, wee Brendan got in line, and when it was his turn, the Pope asked, "My son, what do you want me to pray about for you ?"
Wee Brendan replied, "Your Holiness, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."
The Pope put one finger of one hand in Brendan’s ear, placed his other hand on top of his head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed.
He prayed a great prayer for Brendan, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.
After a few minutes, the Pope removed his hands, stood back and asked, "My son, how is your hearing now?"
Wee Brendon answered, "Ah don't know. It's no' 'til next week....."
"Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar.
With that, wee Brendan got in line, and when it was his turn, the Pope asked, "My son, what do you want me to pray about for you ?"
Wee Brendan replied, "Your Holiness, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."
The Pope put one finger of one hand in Brendan’s ear, placed his other hand on top of his head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed.
He prayed a great prayer for Brendan, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.
After a few minutes, the Pope removed his hands, stood back and asked, "My son, how is your hearing now?"
Wee Brendon answered, "Ah don't know. It's no' 'til next week....."
There's a chap who, on his birthday, gets dressed in his best clothes and goes out for a few beers, having promised to meet his wife later for his birthday meal in town.
He goes to a few pubs and a few hours later is absolutely hammered. He spills his beer on his shirt and just as he manages to stagger to the toilets to clean himself up, he throws up all down his shirt.
Being completely drunk he really has no clue what to do.
He staggers back to the bar in despair, saying to the barman, "Jush look at the shtate of my *hic* shirt ... my wifesh gonna *hic* kill me!"
The barman says, "That's easy. Have a coffee and some water to try and sober up, wipe the worst off your shirt, then tell your wife some drunk guy spilled his drink on you and then threw up. But, and this is the best bit, stick a £20 note in your shirt pocket and tell your wife the drunk guy gave you money to get your clothes dry cleaned."
The drunk guy thinks this is such a great idea, then decides 'sod it' and carries on drinking.
Later, he finally staggers to the restaurant to meet his wife for dinner. Of course, he looks a mess and stinks of booze.
"You're pissed" his wife says, rightly so.
"Nah, nah I'm not ... *stifled hic*" the husbnad replies. "I only had a few, but then thish really drunk guy spilled his drink on me and the bugger only went and threw up on my best shirt - look!", pointing to the messy stain on his chest.
"But", the guy continues, "he gave me £20 to get my clothes cleaned. It's in my shirt pocket. Look."
His wife puts her hand (carefully) into his messy shirt pocket and retrieves the money ...
"But there's £40 in here!" she says to her husband.
"Yeah, the b
d took a st in my pants too!"
He goes to a few pubs and a few hours later is absolutely hammered. He spills his beer on his shirt and just as he manages to stagger to the toilets to clean himself up, he throws up all down his shirt.
Being completely drunk he really has no clue what to do.
He staggers back to the bar in despair, saying to the barman, "Jush look at the shtate of my *hic* shirt ... my wifesh gonna *hic* kill me!"
The barman says, "That's easy. Have a coffee and some water to try and sober up, wipe the worst off your shirt, then tell your wife some drunk guy spilled his drink on you and then threw up. But, and this is the best bit, stick a £20 note in your shirt pocket and tell your wife the drunk guy gave you money to get your clothes dry cleaned."
The drunk guy thinks this is such a great idea, then decides 'sod it' and carries on drinking.
Later, he finally staggers to the restaurant to meet his wife for dinner. Of course, he looks a mess and stinks of booze.
"You're pissed" his wife says, rightly so.
"Nah, nah I'm not ... *stifled hic*" the husbnad replies. "I only had a few, but then thish really drunk guy spilled his drink on me and the bugger only went and threw up on my best shirt - look!", pointing to the messy stain on his chest.
"But", the guy continues, "he gave me £20 to get my clothes cleaned. It's in my shirt pocket. Look."
His wife puts her hand (carefully) into his messy shirt pocket and retrieves the money ...
"But there's £40 in here!" she says to her husband.
"Yeah, the b
d took a st in my pants too!"Edited by 5potTurbo on Thursday 19th August 13:54
Not got sound at work, but if I remember rightly, this is the proper version of the above joke and delivered superbly!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DvHOXiP9O_Y
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DvHOXiP9O_Y
Edited by RobbieB on Thursday 19th August 13:57
RobbieB said:
Not got sound at work, but if I remember rightly, this is the proper version of the above joke and delivered superbly!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DvHOXiP9O_Y
I can't watch that at work ... you could well be correct, but I heard the joke from my brother a couple of weeks ago.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DvHOXiP9O_Y
Edited by RobbieB on Thursday 19th August 13:57
Sorry...
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. Soon after, he breaks into a house at night and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
5potTurbo said:
There's a chap who, on his birthday, gets dressed in his best clothes and goes out for a few beers, having promised to meet his wife later for his birthday meal in town.
He goes to a few pubs and a few hours later is absolutely hammered. He spills his beer on his shirt and just as he manages to stagger to the toilets to clean himself up, he throws up all down his shirt.
Being completely drunk he really has no clue what to do.
He staggers back to the bar in despair, saying to the barman, "Jush look at the shtate of my *hic* shirt ... my wifesh gonna *hic* kill me!"
The barman says, "That's easy. Have a coffee and some water to try and sober up, wipe the worst off your shirt, then tell your wife some drunk guy spilled his drink on you and then threw up. But, and this is the best bit, stick a £20 note in your shirt pocket and tell your wife the drunk guy gave you money to get your clothes dry cleaned."
The drunk guy thinks this is such a great idea, then decides 'sod it' and carries on drinking.
Later, he finally staggers to the restaurant to meet his wife for dinner. Of course, he looks a mess and stinks of booze.
"You're pissed" his wife says, rightly so.
"Nah, nah I'm not ... *stifled hic*" the husbnad replies. "I only had a few, but then thish really drunk guy spilled his drink on me and the bugger only went and threw up on my best shirt - look!", pointing to the messy stain on his chest.
"But", the guy continues, "he gave me £20 to get my clothes cleaned. It's in my shirt pocket. Look."
His wife puts her hand (carefully) into his messy shirt pocket and retrieves the money ...
"But there's £40 in here!" she says to her husband.
"Yeah, the bd took a st in my pants too!"
as told by Clement Freud..."the funniest joke in the world"He goes to a few pubs and a few hours later is absolutely hammered. He spills his beer on his shirt and just as he manages to stagger to the toilets to clean himself up, he throws up all down his shirt.
Being completely drunk he really has no clue what to do.
He staggers back to the bar in despair, saying to the barman, "Jush look at the shtate of my *hic* shirt ... my wifesh gonna *hic* kill me!"
The barman says, "That's easy. Have a coffee and some water to try and sober up, wipe the worst off your shirt, then tell your wife some drunk guy spilled his drink on you and then threw up. But, and this is the best bit, stick a £20 note in your shirt pocket and tell your wife the drunk guy gave you money to get your clothes dry cleaned."
The drunk guy thinks this is such a great idea, then decides 'sod it' and carries on drinking.
Later, he finally staggers to the restaurant to meet his wife for dinner. Of course, he looks a mess and stinks of booze.
"You're pissed" his wife says, rightly so.
"Nah, nah I'm not ... *stifled hic*" the husbnad replies. "I only had a few, but then thish really drunk guy spilled his drink on me and the bugger only went and threw up on my best shirt - look!", pointing to the messy stain on his chest.
"But", the guy continues, "he gave me £20 to get my clothes cleaned. It's in my shirt pocket. Look."
His wife puts her hand (carefully) into his messy shirt pocket and retrieves the money ...
"But there's £40 in here!" she says to her husband.
"Yeah, the b
d took a st in my pants too!"Edited by 5potTurbo on Thursday 19th August 13:54
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