Attention Toilet User! Rant

[Pigeon]

(It's pooh, there's an H on the end of it. Horrid word anyway though.)

There was a lad at school who used to invite people into the bog to view his "world record farts" (he meant "turds", but we weren't old enough to be fully clear on which "adult" rude word meant what at the time). They were sodding huge, one end would be out of sight round the bend and the other end would be resting on the rim. How such a huge turd could come out of such a small body still baffles me.

[140litre]

Toilet blocks,cubicles ! Luxury !
As my office is the cab of a locomotive I have to stop and go o'naturale.just have to get the timing right with passing trains.Got it wrong a few times though.

[10 Pence Short]

Pigeon said:

How such a huge turd could come out of such a small body still baffles me.

Which is exactly what Gordon Brown's Dad said all those years ago.

[y2blade]

elwe said:

It could be so much worse. Were I work it took HR a year to track down the phantom toilet stuffer.

It started off with basic filling the bowl with hand towels and then flushing so an overflow happened. Then a turd was added on top of the hand towels so it would be floating across the floor after the bowl over flowed.

By the end the phantom toilet stuffer was stuffing the toilet, laying cable in the hand basin and then smearing it all over the walls before giving himself a hand shandy with excitement over what he had done. Since he was leaving his nut butter all over the turd smeared mirror he had to be one sick individual.

Apparently we couldn't use DNA evidence as no crime had been committed. HR had to look at the holiday records and narrow down the list of suspects. His mistake was doing it over christmas when most people were out of the office.

Of course it came as no suprise who the culprit was, it was the creepy bloke who was obsessed with people having a prolapse and would ask new starters if they had ever seen one before explaining what a prolapse was in great detail. More than one female new starter didn't come back from lunch after that introduction.

Edited by elwe on Thursday 25th November 18:31

bloodyhell
wtf what is wrong with some people

[clonmult]

10 Pence Short said:

Pigeon said:

How such a huge turd could come out of such a small body still baffles me.

Which is exactly what Gordon Brown's Dad said all those years ago.

[Big Rod]

[quote=clonmult]Its somewhat offputting (and quite nauseating) when there's someone in the stall next to you going "UNNNNHGGGGHHH, OOOOOHHHHHH, NNNNNGGGGG ... >plop<".quote]

"Schmick"

[omgus]

Where2Guv said:

Ayahuasca said:

Apparently some dirty bds squat on the rim, which must increase the blast radius by an order of magnitude.

What the fk?

We have loads of staff working in my offices who transfer across from our Indian office for 6-12months, a lot of them Squat, and seem to be good shots as it is often in the bowl, unfortunately UK toilets cannot hold the weight of a man squatting on them. They will eventually come away from the wall and then the soil pipe will fill up the partition until it leaks into the ladies loos below about once a month.
However there are some deliberate bad crappers, one shat mostly liquid crap into the cistern of the ladies loos, when it was flushed it caused quite a reaction.
Or the person who like to crap on the floor infront of the cubicle, at least 1 staff member has stepped in it as they open the cubicle door.

[captainmatt]

omgus said:

Where2Guv said:

Ayahuasca said:

Apparently some dirty bds squat on the rim, which must increase the blast radius by an order of magnitude.

What the fk?

We have loads of staff working in my offices who transfer across from our Indian office for 6-12months, a lot of them Squat, and seem to be good shots as it is often in the bowl, unfortunately UK toilets cannot hold the weight of a man squatting on them. They will eventually come away from the wall and then the soil pipe will fill up the partition until it leaks into the ladies loos below about once a month.
However there are some deliberate bad crappers, one shat mostly liquid crap into the cistern of the ladies loos, when it was flushed it caused quite a reaction.
Or the person who like to crap on the floor infront of the cubicle, at least 1 staff member has stepped in it as they open the cubicle door.

fking hell.......

[Tow Vehicle Rqrd]

omgus said:

Where2Guv said:

Ayahuasca said:

Apparently some dirty bds squat on the rim, which must increase the blast radius by an order of magnitude.

What the fk?

We have loads of staff working in my offices who transfer across from our Indian office for 6-12months, a lot of them Squat, and seem to be good shots as it is often in the bowl, unfortunately UK toilets cannot hold the weight of a man squatting on them. They will eventually come away from the wall and then the soil pipe will fill up the partition until it leaks into the ladies loos below about once a month.
However there are some deliberate bad crappers, one shat mostly liquid crap into the cistern of the ladies loos, when it was flushed it caused quite a reaction.
Or the person who like to crap on the floor infront of the cubicle, at least 1 staff member has stepped in it as they open the cubicle door.

This squatting business backfired very badly for one particularly unfortunate chap when my Dad was working as an engineer in a factory in Hounslow. The gents were blocked up almost on a weekly basis, and to save money on drainage specialists, a system was divised whereby the bog lids would be weighted down, and a high-pressure airline inserted into the first khazi in line to blast away the lodged logs and associated paperwork. On this occassion, the usual fleeting pre-checks were carried out prior to blast-off, ie; a quick glance beneath the partition to ensure no feet were visible. Finding all was clear, the airline was cranked up to full capacity, followed by the sounds of churning ste, an expolsion and a high pitched scream from one of the traps towards the end of the row. The door flew open, and the wailing squatter emerged, covered from head to toe in crap.

If this wasn't all bad enough, the squatter had to be hosed down in the factory coutyard - in the middle of February! And to top it off completely, one of the company's drivers saw him about an hour later having a raging argument with a bus driver who was refusing to let him on the bus!

[Where2Guv]

[omgus]

Where2Guv said:

Have another

[Beefmeister]

I often wonder about some of the people in my office.

There's one guy who i call 'the polisher'.

When wiping, he makes a noise similar to when you're sanding a block of wood.

All i can imagine is that he's just smearing st back and forth, not pleasant.

Then there's 'Colonel Splatter', who always seems to have violently powerful diahorrea. Wrong.

[OlberJ]

We had a lad at school who used to wipe forwards!

He reckoned wiping backwards would smear jobbie up your bum crack to your back.

"What about your balls, do they not end up smelling of ste?"

"Not if i wipe round the way!"

He never did explain what he meant exactly but he's still known to this day as JobbieBaws.

[Greenwich Ross]

Reminds me of a time I popped into the gents at Gatwick. Opened up the door of one that appeared to be literally painted in st. Christ alone knows what the previous encumbant had been eating but it was certainly obvious what he'd had for dessert for, sticking out of the mess, lodged half way down the u-bend, was a rolled up copy of Over 50's. Lovely. Needless to say I had to swallow a bit of sick down as I hightailed it out of there. Grim.

[ccr32]

Tow Vehicle Rqrd said:

omgus said:

Where2Guv said:

Ayahuasca said:

Apparently some dirty bds squat on the rim, which must increase the blast radius by an order of magnitude.

What the fk?

We have loads of staff working in my offices who transfer across from our Indian office for 6-12months, a lot of them Squat, and seem to be good shots as it is often in the bowl, unfortunately UK toilets cannot hold the weight of a man squatting on them. They will eventually come away from the wall and then the soil pipe will fill up the partition until it leaks into the ladies loos below about once a month.
However there are some deliberate bad crappers, one shat mostly liquid crap into the cistern of the ladies loos, when it was flushed it caused quite a reaction.
Or the person who like to crap on the floor infront of the cubicle, at least 1 staff member has stepped in it as they open the cubicle door.

This squatting business backfired very badly for one particularly unfortunate chap when my Dad was working as an engineer in a factory in Hounslow. The gents were blocked up almost on a weekly basis, and to save money on drainage specialists, a system was divised whereby the bog lids would be weighted down, and a high-pressure airline inserted into the first khazi in line to blast away the lodged logs and associated paperwork. On this occassion, the usual fleeting pre-checks were carried out prior to blast-off, ie; a quick glance beneath the partition to ensure no feet were visible. Finding all was clear, the airline was cranked up to full capacity, followed by the sounds of churning ste, an expolsion and a high pitched scream from one of the traps towards the end of the row. The door flew open, and the wailing squatter emerged, covered from head to toe in crap.

If this wasn't all bad enough, the squatter had to be hosed down in the factory coutyard - in the middle of February! And to top it off completely, one of the company's drivers saw him about an hour later having a raging argument with a bus driver who was refusing to let him on the bus!

I'm in tears of laughter...

[paul99]

We have an infamous toilet user known as 'Bum Man' where i currently work. Almost every day he managed to make one of the 3 office toilets unusable for a few hours with the god awful stench he produces. There has been numerous complaints made as he stinks up the corridor aswell.

Good news is that he has now been positively identified as the sweaty fat greasy bd from the office upstairs who was the #1 suspect anyway. God knows what his diet must consist of!

[Mazda Baiter]

omgus said:

However there are some deliberate bad crappers, one shat mostly liquid crap into the cistern of the ladies loos, when it was flushed it caused quite a reaction.

Aaah, the upper decker. An often misused classic.

It is a must-do job on your last day of work for a company.

The gift that keeps giving.

[Digga]

I was in the stalls "loogged on the the sphincternet" in a motorway services a few years ago and heard the guy in the next stall finishing his paperwork off.
The next thing, he flushes the loo and cries out in exclamation. Fortunately, I realised - sixth sense style - what was occuring next door and being sat on the throne, picked up my feet as a torrent of water and god knows what cascaded under the partition.

If I wasn't on the bog anyway I'd have shat myself laughing. Poor bloke must have had his shoes full of the stuff.

[omgus]

Mazda Baiter said:

omgus said:

However there are some deliberate bad crappers, one shat mostly liquid crap into the cistern of the ladies loos, when it was flushed it caused quite a reaction.

Aaah, the upper decker. An often misused classic.

It is a must-do job on your last day of work for a company.

The gift that keeps giving.

True, but a diarrhoea based upper decker only gives once, and what a present it was.

[snowy slopes]

A lad i know works for a company in doncaster called prosper de mulders, and they are a one of the largest companys dealing with waste by products from slaughterhouses. They extract the fat and bones for other uses, pet foods etc. Anyway, before the law changed, they used to get all sorts of exotic animals come through their doors, including a gorilla. Seems they had a lad who used to hide in the bogs to get out of work, so one time his work mates hid the gorilla in his favourite trap ready for him. He goes in, sees said gorila, races out of the kazi babbling, and wasnt seen again